Celebrity Fit Club – Episode 7: The Snapple Lady Snaps


by Panndyra, Goddess of Chaos

Tonight’s episode showed that the sweet and kind Wendy “Snapple Lady” Kauffman has a bit of a bite to her. She’s not always so calm and forgiving, y’all. You go, girl. Let it out. Ralphie May sees some fruits to his labor and Daniel acts arrogant (but that’s not new). Okay, let me stop summarizing and teasing and get to the review.

ANT starts off by telling everyone that they’ve collectively lost 154 lbs. He quipped that if they lose 6 more pounds, he’ll be gone because that’s how much he weighs. (That’s 160, y’all if you aren’t doing the math!)

There are only 2 fit camps left – next week’s the season final and it’s gonna be good.

Billy Blanks showed up for Fit Camp. Bill is the creator of Tae-Bo, a kickboxing cardio workout that helped me shed 30 lbs. a few years back. (Don’t tell Billy, but I gained it back plus some. I’m so mad at myself! But Tae-bo works when you work it!)

Daniel couldn’t hack it – his back still hurts. After a while, Biz tried to give up. Harvey and Billy worked to get him back in the game. Joe took a cell phone call during the workout. That pissed off a lot of people. Harvey was really angry with him.

Worse, though was that Joe – who was already deemed the weakest link by the Eastsiders – remember he was swapped to the FBs – is not exactly making lots of new friends on his new team. Wendy, especially, is really angry with him. She said that taking that call was “despicable”. “He’s not a team player.” She was downright incensed.

It seemed as though most of the celebrities didn’t take the Tae-Bo Boot Camp so seriously. However, Judge Mablean was completely focused. ANT noticed and said to her, ‘you were kicking some booty at Tae-Bo.

The judge weighed in. Her last weight was 189. Her target was 4 lbs. She weighed in at 184 – down 5 lbs. So, Mablean did kick some butt – hers. She was congratulated by the panel and Harvey said, “I’m happier for you than anyone.” He reminded her that when she had some trouble and they made adjustments that he was right. She conceded with a laugh. Marisa noticed that she was happier in her own skin now. Mablean said it was because she was reaching for a goal and not just thinking about it. She is proud of herself for doing it.

Her total pounds lost so far is – 24 lbs.

Kim Coles has her weigh-in next. ANT reminds her as she steps up to the scales that her team is losing its overall lead over the East-Siders. In order to regain focus, Kim arranged for her team to have a Spa trip. Ralphie didn’t make it. He had a run-in with airport security. When he called to tell Kim, the team almost didn’t believe him.

Ralphie said he kicked the counter and broke it. He was not a happy camper. The team went on without him. The next morning, the FBs were poised to go off on a hike. Wendy and Kim couldn’t find Joe at first. They were told at the front desk that he was in a massage.

They barged into the massage room. He said he wasn’t going. After a bit, the ladies trudged off and did it themselves. The hike was pretty vigorous. At one point, Wendy said that she was ‘flattered’ that Kim thought she could handle this hike. After that, she couldn’t talk much – she was winded. However, she did admit that as tough as the hike was it was a million times easier than spinning.

Joe moved from a massage to an experimental acupuncture treatment in which glass cups were hooked up to a machine. The cups were put on special acupoints on the body to help deal with cravings, etc. The machine was turned on and gave Joe an electromagnetic shock every time he said yes when the acupuncturist asked him if he “wanted donuts.”

After a while, he stopped saying yes causing ANT to comment – “one (addiction) down, about a dozen more to go!”

So, did Kim lose the 4 lbs. that was her target? NO. She lost 1 lbs. She was down to 201 lbs. She has been very inconsistent throughout the series and I’m not sure how serious she takes this – or how honest she is about her ‘eating issues’ – HOWEVER, it’s really easy for me to say that sitting here too so take the observation with a grain of salt.

Dr. Katz wondered what her issue was. She didn’t make an excuse she said:

*I ate more than I should.
*I didn’t exercise enough.

Marisa mentioned Tae-Bo and they got to talking about who was more attractive – Billy Blanks or Harvey? Kim said – Billy’s aiiight, but I’ll take Harvey anyway. Then, she blushed and giggled. Harvey didn’t stray from the course. He said he’d like her to get back on track. Her final target is 4 lbs. Kim says she’ll meet that goal “on her honor.”

At least week’s fit camp, the celebs were “treated” to Dr. Katz’ lyrical nutrition lesson. Mablean appreciated it. Kim said she wished it was briefer – it was hard because others didn’t want to listen. Biz and Mia interrupted and ran off in the middle, leaving Dr. Katz bewildered. Daniel, of all people, told them how rude that was. Mia replied, “at least I showed up” referring to Daniel’s almost no-show last week.

It’s Biz turn to be weighed now. He was 318 last time. His target was 6 lbs. So far, he’d lost 26 lbs. This week he lost 8. He’s down to 8 lbs. That’s a total of 34 lbs. He’s lost the most of all the fit clubbers so far. Biz celebrates, the panel congratulates him. Harvey tells him what a “star pupil he is”. Biz says this is for life and he’s going to be consistent. His final target is 6 lbs. He wanted to “make it 8”. Harvey said, “Take the 6.”

It rained before the tug of war challenge. Some of the fit clubbers didn’t want to go out in the rain and get wet. Harvey wasn’t happy with them for that, but he moved it in side. Instead of a team competition – it was one on one. The winning team would receive:

Cooking gear
A bow flex extreme 2 machine
More…

Daniel said that the FBs are nice, but it’s unfair to put his team against theirs in anything athletic. His team will always win. Kim thinks they’re brutes.

Judge beat Wendy
Biz beat Joe G
Mia beat Kim

Pretty easily might I add. Daniel and Ralphie opted not to square off since it wouldn’t impact the outcome.

Wendy’s turn at the scales. She weighed 224 last time. Her target loss is 4 lbs. She hit her target exactly and was down to 220. Marisa asked her how losing weight was the “final frontier” for her. Wendy said that she’s kicked all her other addictions – drinking, drugs and smoking. She doesn’t want to go back. She admits to being a train wreck for a long time and Daniel rolled his eyes. (Kind of interesting!) Her final target is 3 lbs; she’s had an overall loss of 25 lbs.

Miss Mia is getting ready to face the scales. She walk sup. She was 195 last week. She had a 5 lb target. She was down 3 to 192. Dr. Katz says that, although she didn’t hit her target, it was good progress forward. Mia was happy that she could fit into some jeans she couldn’t before.

As Joe gets ready to be weighed, ANT says, “Joe, you’ve been under attack this week.” Of course, we heard how Joe’s team got angry at him for taking a phone call during Fit Club activities. They had a meeting about it. Joe mentioned that he was “on track” and “doing what he had to”. Wendy got upset asking who he meant wasn’t doing what was needed. She got in his face a bit. Joe then said, “First you had a problem with Mablean, now you’re having a problem with me.”

He wants to just focus on himself – so he’s not really a team player, but maybe – there’s truth to what ANT said as well – ‘Sometimes, it seems as though the FBs aren’t ever pleased.’

His weight last week was 284:

*target – 5 lbs
*current – 282

He did less than ½ of what he was supposed to, but didn’t seem to get down about it. The panel questions his commitment. They really think he’s not serious. Joe says he is and seems surprised by that. He’s got a wall up of some sort, but I think he really wants to tackle the issues. It’s just hard. He’s lost 20 lbs in total and well, we’ll see if he hits his 5 lb target next week. I hope he does.

Now, it’s time for Daniel to face the scales, the music and whatever else – (but not his demons. Not yet, it seems!) Last week he was “less than a shining example” for his team. ANT was being kind. He threw tantrums, was rude and kept shooting suspended for a long time while everyone waited.

This week – I note that he looks even worse. He’s lost weight, yes – he hit his 3 lb target. He’s down a total of 28 lbs. He’s been able to exercise a little. Marisa notes that he wanted to lose weight to get naked for the cameras. He was like ‘I’ll audition for you right now.’

He goes over to ANT who tells him – “you’re hotter than Alec now.” He asks Daniel to show, “me your stomach.” Daniel dropped his pants. He called ANT “shiny-boy” and said he wasn’t doing anything for his kind. He was rude. Poor ANT was put in a horrible position. Jack-a$$ Baldwin.

Finally, Ralphie has his turn. I am rooting for Ralphie. He’s had some setbacks the last few weeks. He couldn’t make it to the spa retreat his group had planned. Instead, he had a mud treatment. He said it felt like “pudding” going on. He joked that he looked like “THING” from the Fantastic Four. Check out this link for some pics of the “THING”:
http://jerome.galica.free.fr/marvel/Fantastic%20Four/ben/ben.htm

Last week Ralphie learned that, although he has the most to lose of anyone else on the show, he’s lost the least. He’s disappointed and bordering devastation. Dr. Katz and the panel tell him that they know he can lose the weight and his body may be building muscle first because of the excess exercise. Ralphie still just wants to see some results here – he feels like he’s letting his team down.

Here’s the tale of the weight:

Last Week: 471
Target: 6 lbs
Actual Loss: 11 lbs

Yes, he lost ELEVEN lbs. He is down to 460. Dr. Katz and Marisa hugged him. His team was congratulatory as was most of the EastSiders. It was a great boost to Ralphie and validation for him. Marisa mentioned that perhaps it was inspiring to others to see him struggle so and then stick with it and lose. I must admit she’s right. I was so proud of him and it’s given me greater resolve in my own diet plan.

(In three weeks, I’ve lost 6 lbs, gained 3 and am back on the losing side again!) It’s frustrating, but – Ralphie’s experiences are encouraging.

I guess that’s the point of the Fit Club. At least, that’s what host ANT hopes. Check out our interview here:
http://www.realityshack.com/modules/articles/article.php?id=539

At the end of the episode tonight, the EastSiders had lost a total of 19 lbs. The FBs only 18 lbs. The FBs lead overall by 7 lbs. Next week is the Season Finale.

Here are some teasers:

*Kim and Harvey go out on a date.
*Daniel does something to shock us all!

**If you want to chat about the episode, email me at panndyra@realityshack.com. Thanks.


Wickedly Perfect Episode #9 – Big Apple Season Finale

by Heather Angel

For this two hour season finale, the five remaining contestants (Mitch, Kimberly, Heather, Dawn, and Amy) head to New York City. They will each do a five minute craft making segment with help from CBS’s “The Early Show” Host, Hannah Storm. What’s unique is that this is an individual challenge – no more Crafty Beavers or Team Artisan. The contestants get makeovers in the Big Apple and prepare for their
screen tests.

Judges Bobby Flay, David Evangelista, and Candace Bushnell watch as Dawn goes first making a table display. Candace says the project looks great but her voice is annoying. David says he wished she would have pulled her hair back. Bobby thinks Dawn’s smile lights up the screen but she needs to work on the ending of her segment.

Mitch is up next. He says he’s prepared 20 years for this moment. Mitch demonstrates how to make a candle display using an apple and cranberries impaled by a wire. David says Mitch had no inflection in his voice. Candace and Bobby agree that personality is important and that Mitch should be more enthusiastic.

Amy makes a “tie snake”, that’s a men’s neck tie stuffed with beans or cotton to make it look like a snake. Why anyone would need one of those is beyond me. Amy spills beans everywhere as she tries to show Hannah Storm how to make this bizarre creature. David says Amy has good energy. Candace says the segment was fun, but juvenile. Bobby says that the craft needs to work. It’s not good to spill the beans on “The Early Show”.

Kimberly demonstrates how to make ribbon flowers. Candace says the flowers look great and she felt like she could do the project. David and Bobby think Kimberly’s project looks amazing. When Kimberly returns to the CBS greenroom Mitch is green with envy when she brags that the judges had no negative comments for her.

Heather goes last, showing Hannah how to turn an old skirt into a purse. Hannah says the project is very cute, but the judges are less impressed. Bobby wonders why Heather didn’t bring a sewing machine, seeing as how that’s the most important tool in the project. Candace said the craft dominated Heather’s personality. David thought Heather looked terrible, saying her sweater looked like it was out of the movie Flash Dance. He was also appalled that she was wearing a “wife beater” under the sweater and her bra strap was hanging out. After all the screen tests are finished, the judges choose Kimberly and Mitch to go on to the finals. Heather, Amy, and Dawn are out.

It’s hour two of the season finale. Joan Lunden tells Mitch and Kimberly that they will go head to head each throwing a lavish society party in a New York City loft. The will also create a magazine cover featuring themselves. The food will be catered. At the party, Kimberly and Mitch will unveil and introduce their own magazine covers. The party is all about their images and they’ll be judged on every aspect of the presentation, as well as how they oversee the execution. They have two days and $20,000.

Mitch and Kimberly both want to win, mostly for the prizes but partially because they can’t stand each other. The next day, Mitch and Kimberly meet with their party planners. Mitch is going for bright colors like red and pink. Kimberly wants something more tame and elegant. Mitch’s magazine is called Directions for Living. His initials, MAP, will appear in the corner. Kimberly has chosen the name Lifestyle for her magazine.

Kimberly won a coin toss and got to choose which side of the loft she wanted. She chose the side that looks out onto the water. Mitch says he doesn’t mind because it will be dark so it doesn’t matter. His side of the loft looks out on the Empire State Building. For the drinks, Kimberly wants a martini with almond syrup and cinnamon sticks, while Mitch decides to go with a clear tomato martini he himself invented. It’s time. Mitch and his waiters are wearing bright red shirts. Kimberly’s servers are in black, and so is she.

The judges arrive, and a little while later, Joan welcomes everyone and introduces Mitch and Kimberly. The judges start with Kimberly’s side. Bobby compliments the drinks, but Candace hates the food. The judges move over to Mitch’s side. He explains the idea of MAP, his initials, and points out the arrows on the floor and trays. He explains how he made the clear tomato martinis. Bobby wonders if it isn’t a drink for summertime. The judges love Mitch’s food. Joan announces that it’s time for the unveiling.

Mitch goes first. He says that he’s wanted to do this since he was twelve and thanks his parents for being so supportive. His magazine cover is unveiled. Candace likes the title. Mitch is pleased and thinks the cover turned out well. It’s Kimberly’s turn. She talks about empowerment through the domestic arts. Mitch isn’t impressed with her magazine cover. Candace thinks that it looks inviting. Bobby hasn’t decided which he prefers.

It’s time for the big decision. All contestants from past shows gather at the Rock Garden to find out who the judges will choose. Candace asks both perfectionists about their parties. Mitch says that he’s passionate and the party showed his personality. Kimberly says that she wanted her guests to feel welcome and comfortable. Her colors were warm and part of her style. Bobby says that the background of Kimberly’s magazine looked “stately.” Kimberly says that it appealed to her and was elegant. David wonders if Mitch’s cover was too busy.

Candace asks Kimberly if she tasted her food. Kimberly admits that she didn’t, because she was too busy getting ready. Bobby asks Mitch if his drink wouldn’t have been better at a different time of year. Mitch says that he wanted to try something different. Bobby asks Kimberly about her drinks. She says that it was her taste and was seasonal. Bobby brings up Kimberly’s bad food. Candace says that her party was good anyway. Bobby thinks that Mitch’s party looked like “a Valentine’s party on steroids.”

It’s the moment of truth. Joan repeats that the winner will receive a book deal, a TV deal, and will appear on The Early Show six times. There’s also a surprise – the winner will get a 2005 GMC SUV. Candace says that she voted for the person who knows what the audience wants and how to give it to them. She’s picked Kimberly. David says that this was a hard decision, so he looked at past challenges. He’s picked Mitch.

Bobby has a list of words that describe the winner: “potential, smart, marketable, and comfortable.” He tops off the list with the name of the winner: Kimberly.

Mitch says that second place isn’t losing, and we haven’t seen the last of him. Kimberly says that she’s not a homemaker anymore. She’s not scared; she thinks she can handle it.

Heather can be reached for comments or questions at heather@realityshack.com.

Sabotage! – Starting Over, 03-03-05


by LauraBelle

The women in the Starting Over house all get there because of a desire to change, and because of the knowledge that they can’t do it alone. Yet, even after they enter the house, it is still hard to change that old way of thinking.

Rhonda continues to be concerned about Bethany and her poor body image. she pulls out a picture Bethany drew of herself, and the size is so distorted, she has drawn herself to resemble Mr. Sta-Puff the marshmallow man. Rhonda thinks it’s time for a reality check.

“How ya livin’?!?” Iyanla enters Group asking. All the women say “Large” in unison. This day she would like to talk about the women accepting less than they want for themselves, making their decisions become sabotage.

Vanessa believes she has sabotaged herself by not going to college. She has always wanted to, but feels getting her degree would hurt her relationship with her boyfriend. Asked why, she says if she worked less so she could attend school, they wouldn’t have anywhere to live. She would rather be with him with a high school diploma, than without him and have a college degree.

“Did you make that up?” Iyanla asks incredulously. Vanessa insists that is what she truly thinks would happen, as then her actions would be affecting his life. She would have to move back in with her parents, leaving him alone in Las Vegas, and away from her. Back to her original point, Iyanla calls this the most delicious case of sabotage she has ever seen. She believes Vanessa is making up he needs a place to live as an excuse not to follow through with college.

Renee would like to go to college, too, but what is sabotaging her is her fear of failure. Rachael believes other people’s fears sabotage her, Candy fingers a fear of ridicule, and Cassie and Bethany stick to their standards of self-doubt and not remembering.

Iyanla asks the women to focus on what they don’t want to happen by shaking their arms out and dropping forward. Vanessa admits what she’s really afraid of is that she would go back into a state of depression if her boyfriend left. Iyanla tells her if she lives her life fearing that, she better prepare herself for it to really happen.

After Group, Vanessa is visibly upset and commiserates with the other women in the kitchen. They say they have all been there, and Rachael tells Vanessa she’s been putting off her dreams for her boyfriend, which Vanessa isn’t ready to agree to. Rachael follows this by asking why she is here. When Vanessa answers that it’s because she is not happy, it’s a slap in the face to her. the realization that her life with her boyfriend obviously isn’t as happy as she would like it to be.

There is one more person on Renee’s “Giving List” and Renee knows it is her father. Even though she is disappointed her dad didn’t come for his visit, she realizes she still needs to make amends. Iyanla is sending her to the Ronald McDonald house that helps out children with life-threatening illnesses, most of which have cancer. It is a perfect time for her to practice her newfound skills of listening and compassion. Iyanla tells her she needs to be present for these kids. She needs to do for others what was never done for her, in order to forgive fully.

Bethany and Rhonda sit in front of a gym and watch people going in and out for Bethany to gain some perspective on other people’s body image. Rhonda asks her to point out those that she feels have bodies she thinks look good. Bethany, once involved with softball, likes the more athletic bodies.

Now instructed to interview the people leaving and entering the gym, Bethany asks them why they work out. She is told varied reasons, such as it makes them feel better, it starts the day off better, and for overall health. One of the men even tells her he doesn’t know why she is trying to figure all this out, because he thinks she looks great.

Bethany is asked by Rhonda what she heard these people saying to her, and she says she heard them saying exercising doesn’t have to be something you have to do, but can be something you enjoy doing. It’s more than just something physical to them; it’s also about feeling good about yourself. Having worked out myself regularly since 1990, I readily agree. To me not to do it is like not brushing my teeth in the morning.

Suddenly Bethany has an epiphany. This is all because she always feels inferior to her sister, Jessica, feeling she is better at everything and much thinner. Bethany thinks she is perfect. Rhonda notes how interesting it is that before the amnesia, Bethany was the one that was regarded as perfect by Jessica, and after the amnesia, it’s Bethany thinking Jessica is perfect. Bethany eventually says she is willing to give up her chase for perfection so she can have a life. She wants to just enjoy singing and playing the piano again.

At the Ronald McDonald house, Renee joins the kids coloring, making cards and even making cookies together. Her goal is for the kids to smile, laugh and have fun. The kids make a huge giant cookie for Renee with nearly every type of sprinkle imaginable decorating it.

Renee interviews foreign-born seventeen-year-old Marcela about her time in the Ronald McDonald house. Marcela had twelve surgeries since 2000 to remove a brain tumor. The doctors told her family five separate times she was going to die, and her family began taping all the important events, believing they would be her last. She calls the Ronald McDonald house her home and says she wouldn’t change anything about her life. She enjoys helping out the other younger children now that she is better.

As Renee leaves she says these kids are very strong, and her heart goes out to all of them. She calls her dad to tell him about this assignment and he says it really puts things into perspective.

Rachael gets together with Iyanla and says she has had yet another conversation with her biological father. It is getting easier for her, as it’s not as emotional. She realizes her emotional attachment to him will need to be developed. Iyanla tells her it’s time for her to complete the mourning process for her mother and stepfather. Rachael would like to accomplish this by writing letters to them and by going to their gravesites. She would appreciate her brother and aunt being there as well. Iyanla tells her to lay the program out.

Vanessa calls her boyfriend and tells him she would like to go back to college, leading him to ask why. When she says she feels she wants to, he says he is behind her one-hundred percent, but he doesn’t understand why she wants to since she already has a future. Vanessa tries to assure him she is serious about this. He tells her not to quit this like she does everything else. Nice. Dump him now, Vanessa; it’s not exactly what I would call one-hundred percent.

Rhonda, having been told by Iyanla about Vanessa’s comments in Group, meets with her to discuss this. Vanessa, never having been able to cry before, now can’t seem to stop. She says she is afraid of no support. Rhonda tells her that anybody who loves her will help her dream come true, and asks if Vanessa really thought she should be here at Starting Over, but didn’t think her relationship would need to change. Vanessa tells Rhonda he is afraid she won’t follow through.

Rhonda doesn’t understand this viewpoint of Vanessa, and says she has always been an overachiever, but her earlier dream just ended. It’s normal to be depressed, sad and mad. Rhonda adds she is concerned Vanessa is more concerned with his feelings than her own. She doesn’t want Vanessa to make a huge mistake that most women make, twenty years from now, into a marriage with three kids, and thinking she has made a mistake. Well, she wouldn’t be the first one, Rhonda.

Rachael meets with Kelly who belongs to a Motherless Daughters group, and asks her how she can better heal her past. Kelly tells her not to feel so alone. She explains her story of how her mother had what they thought was a simple asthma attack, but was already gone by the time Kelly got to the hospital. Rachael admits to Kelly that she can’t get out of the car sometimes at the cemetery and hasn’t been there in nine years. Kelly tells her when she is able to let go she will find a balance and realize it’s just part of who she is. She encourages Rachael to realize her parents would want her to be happy and move on.

Bethany calls Jessica to talk to her about the jealousy she feels since her amnesia for her. Jessica laughs and says she doesn’t know her very well, and that since her amnesia, she just has no faith in herself. She tries to get Bethany to see that this image of perfection is one that Jessica doesn’t have of herself, only Bethany sees that.

Vanessa tries calling her boyfriend again, and he asks if she is made because he wasn’t supportive earlier. She says that college would make her feel better, and that it has nothing to do with him. There ya go, Vanessa. You’re on the right track. He tells her it involves his money too, funny since Vanessa admits to giving him $8000. He tells her she just doesn’t have a good track record for following through, and asks why he should believe her.

Woah. Every little hair on me is standing up, making me say forget him and go to college. She obviously feels a tie to him and a sense of security. I know Rhonda, Iyanla and Dr. Stan will help her to believe in herself and empower herself again. Although, growing up spending seven hours a day in gymnastics, perhaps she never believed in anything in herself that wasn’t centered around gymnastics. It’s time for that to change.

I welcome all questions and comments at LauraBelle@realityshack.com

We're Gonna Get A Shark – Survivor: Palau, Episode 3

[i]by atarus[/i]

Welcome to Ulong, the tribe of lazy bums and complainers. The episode starts off with Stephenie mentioning the fact that the previous Tribal Council woke Jeff and Kim up a little bit. Jeff says that Jeff was brutal about questioning Jeff. (God I love doing that.) If Jeff’s questions woke Kim up at all, she woke up complaining, that’s for sure. She mentions that she “didn’t like questions like that” and that “I don’t want an image of a 2-person alliance.” Okay, CBS, loud and clear, CAST PEOPLE THAT WATCH THE SHOW AND NOT MODELS PLEASE. I’d rather look at people that are averagely pretty and know what they’re doing than look at people that are averagely pretty and are dumb as rocks. (Oooh, that’s a BURN to Kim.) James, meanwhile, continues to be his redneck self and says that Kim’s a woman and all she’s got to her advantage is her sexsheality. That’s how he said it, I swear.

On Koror, we get a nice shot of Coby carrying wood in just his underwear. Er. That came out wrong. ANYWAY. The Korors are trying to build a better shelter, and Coby in a confessional complains that people are starting to grate nerves and it starts to get annoying because you can’t get rid of anybody. (Foreshadowing anyone?) Caryn and Katie get into a fight, and again I use the term “fight” loosely with Caryn because a fight with her is her yelling at you, not giving you a chance to talk, and then walking away before you can respond. Hm. Caryn tells us that Katie is a tart and that she has something to say all the time about everything. She tells Katie that every time she does something, Katie is waiting with a snide remark. Katie, meanwhile, confessionalizes that she nearly started laughing at Caryn because she was so irate and that Caryn never gave her time to respond. I’m not entirely sure where this fight came from at all, however! I would like to say it’s hard to care for a fight when you really don’t like either party. Sorry Caryn, maybe pick a fight with Ian or Tom next time so I can more adequately hate you.

It’s reward challenge time! Jeff Probst gets a kick out of this one because he actually gets to do something during the challenge. Jeffy pulls the magic level and a life preserver pops up out in the water! And then the Survivors have to get the preserver and take it back to their platform. The bonus? The survivors can get physical! Without punching or intention to hurt of course. Their reward? A sewing kit. I swear, CBS strands them with nothing just so they can have bland rewards like this that excite the castaways. Either way, Ulong basically hands Koror their rear end during this task. Jeff and Tom go at it, Jeff is smart (*Gasp!*) and hangs back, waiting for Tom to get the preserver, and when Tom puts the preserver around his waist, basically drags Tom to his own platform. Stephenie vs. that girl that’s on Koror, Stephenie just creams her. And then it’s Angie and BJ vs. Gregg and Janu. Angie acts like a mad woman and dunks, scratches, and does everything to both Gregg and Janu, and neither look happy about it. Anyway, BJ with Angie’s dunking help gets the preserver and Ulong wins reward.

On Ulong, Ibrehehehehehem speaks (*double gasp!*) and says that he’s not a sewer or a seamstress (I’d sure hope he isn’t a seamstress….that’s, um, icky?) so the reward isn’t that special to him. Bobby Jon says that winning the reward gave them a momentum boost, but there’s still stuff around camp to be done. Bobby Jon is what you call “Ulong.” Well, maybe Bobby Jon and Stephenie. Either way, while every else is laying about, BJ is doing all the work. Kim is giving him hearty cheers from the sideline though! Kim says that Bobby Jon works a lot and he needs to “sit down and chill out.” Yeah Kim, you think that.

Tom, Ian, Gregg, Jenn, and Katie are out on a hunt for food. They find banded sea snakes, which are very poisonous (both Tom and Gregg read the Boy Scout manual CBS gave them before coming to the island, and were able to spout out very interesting information to the confessional men because of it) but they decided “Oh what the heck, why not.” So while Tom pins down the snake, Ian chops off his head. Katie remarks that Ian was “so cute” in that he was saying “Sorry buddy, sorry man” and then KYAH! Chopping off the snake’s head. Ian himself says that he loves animals, and so killing the snake wasn’t really his thing. Tom loves the fact that he “hooked up with two knuckleheads that get excitement out of things like this.” But while they’re hanging the snakes out to dry, they get a visit from a shark or two. Tom says that in Long Island, if they saw a shark in the water everyone would run away from it, but here everyone runs into the water with sticks in their hands. Um, hello, what about that machete you were using on the snake? Or are machetes reserved for helpless little creatures? Either way, we are treated to a few minutes of footage of Ian and Tom going after sharks with pointy sticks but not getting anything. Oh, and Ian says “heeby-jeeby” in there too. Pretty cool.

The next morning, while Jeff is out taking a pee, he rolls his ankle on a coconut and hurts it. Uh oh. And hey look we have a challenge the same morning! Jeff is scared because the treemail says the challenge will be pure strength and it figures that’s when he hurts his foot. Meanwhile, we discover that Bobby Jon is a fan of toga parties, as that’s all he can make with the sewing kit.

At the challenge, Jeff explains that all tribe members will be tied to a common rope, each carrying a backpack of 20 pounds of sand. They walk around in a circle in the water, and the first person to catch the other team wins. If you drop out, you have to give your weight to someone else. Koror sits out that girl and Janu. When the challenge starts, Jeff immediately gives his weight to someone else because of his hurt ankle. Caryn trips and falls and tries to stay in, but finally gives her weight to Tom as Ulong starts catching up to them. Mr. Miyagi and Katie follow Caryn soon after, and so do Angie and Kim for the other team. Stephenie is the only girl left in the challenge. The time passes and both Coby and James eventually have to drop out of the challenge. It’s BJ, Ibe, and Steph vs. Tom, Ian, and Gregg. BJ is carrying 80 pounds and Steph is sticking it out like a champ. However, Ulong tires quicker than Koror and in the end Ian is able to jump on Ibe and Koror wins immunity for the third time in a row.

Jeff calls a pow-wow when Ulong returns to camp. He says that there’s no way he can get to the end on a busted ankle, he can barely put any weight on it. Stephenie wants him to stay. James is sad that a strong person wants to be voted out. Bobby Jon refuses to vote for Jeff, saying that even with Jeff down he’s ten times stronger than Kim. Angie is convinced that if Jeff goes, Kim will start doing more. Bobby Jon shows Angie that Jeff is cutting coconuts and remarks that Kim couldn’t even do that. James tells Jeff that it isn’t logical to get rid of him, and Kim sees everyone conspiring and says there’s a chance Jeff will be here the next day.

It’s TC time again, and again I could really care less. It’s either going to be Jeff or Kim, and really, will I miss either? No, not really. A key remark is that Bobby Jon says that Tom is a man among men and that he thinks Tom single-handedly beat them in the challenge. Ibrehem says that it was because Jeff was out of the challenge, if Jeff’d been a participant they would have won. Kim also calls Bobby Jon “freakin’ Tarzan.” (I like that. BJ is now Tarzan, joining Mr. Miyagi and that girl. Wait, Kim came up with it. Never mind.)

It’s time for the votes. James votes for Kim and says she’s lazy. Kim votes for Jeff and says that “this is what you wanted, this is what I’m going to do.” Bobby Jon votes for Kim, saying he won’t play Jeff’s “silly-ass game.” You tell ’em Bobby Jon. However, Stephenie, Angie, and Ibrehehehehem decide otherwise, and in a 4-2-1 vote, Jeff is toast.

Jeff’s final words is that he wishes he hadn’t injured himself, he had to make the choice that would allow his team to advance to a further point in the game, and tells Ulong that it’s time to take Koror to the cleaners.

Next time, Ulong gets “desperate” but we don’t know what about. The tribes have to choose a representative for a challenge, and apparently when Ulong arrives they still haven’t chosen one. Go Ulong. *snicker*

I think I’m out of snide remarks for this column. E-mail me at atarus33@yahoo.com if you have an opinion on how Survivor is this season. See you next week.

“Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful” – The Apprentice 3, Episode 7

“Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Beautiful” – The Apprentice 3, Episode 7

By: Cori Linder
clinder@realityshack.com

Beauty is like a red rose—it looks and smells sweet but get too close to it, and it might stab you with a thorn.

Audrey and the rest of the Net Worth team return to the suite, and Audrey feels wounded because her team members thought she was the weakest link and that she represented incompetence. For her, they insulted her personally, which makes her sick to her stomach. Apparently she doesn’t endorse Mr. Trump’s mantra that “It’s not personal, it’s just business.”

Audrey lashes out at her team, saying that she doesn’t want to be treated as a child. She believes she has earned her right to be there based on, again, personal issues such as her parents went to prison, she was living out of a car at 17, and had nothing to her name. Girls hated her because she is so beautiful, and she wanted to scar her face so that they would like her.

In comes John who adds fuel to the fire—with a smile. He tells her that she will probably make more money than anybody else because she’s “gorgeous and a sweetheart.” Say that to me, John, and I’ll give you the biggest smile. Audrey juts out her lower lip, says he insulted her, curses, and then walks away. John seems to be loving this.

The challenge:

Each team will be building a miniature golf course on the Chelsea Piers and then will run it for a full day. The team who makes the most money will win. Supervising the tasks will be Carolyn and Ashley Cooper (substituting for George).

Assigning project managers:

Net Worth – Audrey knows she needs to prove herself or her team will feed her to the lions, so she volunteers to be project manager. She feels this is ideal because she has played miniature golf and has creative ideas about it. Her logic is, well, interesting. John doesn’t agree and believes that the person with the least personal issues should be project manager. His bluntness is actually refreshing and it is so obvious he cares nothing about her. She fights for the job and “wins.” Immediately, she delegates jobs.

Magna – There’s less drama on this team, and Stephanie will be project manager.

Strategies:

The Magna team comes up with a jungle theme and calls it “Safari Sunday” to attract parents and children. While the team seems focused on aesthetics, Kendra is worried about the marketing aspect and suggests they work with vendors to do cross-promotion marketing and provide discounts.

On the Net Worth team, the girls have fun picking out costumes and clown outfits while the men are wanting Audrey to actually “lead” and make some decisions regarding marketing. This seems to be too difficult for Audrey. Later, Audrey requests status reports from everybody but an argument between John and Audrey ensues. “Stop it, stop it!” implores Audrey. It’s like big brother is picking on little sister. In her mind, Audrey is probably thinking he’s just bitter because she’s “pretty.”

Soon the Net Worth team members dress up in clown suits to attract attention. Now, for many of us, clowns represent the ultimate colorful freaks that terrorized our childhood birthday parties. And just when we think we have moved past this trauma, we see a clown (masquerading as Chris) chewing tobacco and loudly smacking his lip. In my youth, this would have put me over the edge. Now, I just have to cringe hearing that slop, slop, slop in his mouth. “The kids are all afraid of me,” he discovers. Slop, slop, slop.

The Magna team is progressing nicely with their fliers/coupons, and is enjoying much success, which is why they don’t enjoy much air time.

Results…

Magna outsells Net Worth by $200. In keeping with the golf theme, Magna gets to play golf with Mr. Trump and professional golfer, Christy Kerr. The Net Worth team must face the boardroom.

On the golf course, Mr. Trump arrives in a helicopter, an entrance that Erin thinks is “pretty hot.” Erin tries her best at golf but her skills are left to be desired. Mr. Trump politely comments she has a “very delicate swing.”

Back in the suite, Audrey seeks advice from Angie who warns that John is going to eat her alive. John suspects that Audrey will bring in Angie to gang up on him.

In the boardroom…

Audrey blames the team’s promotion strategies for their loss. Mr. Trump seems more concerned with Chris’s habit of chewing tobacco. Back to Audrey…she is tired of having the project manager be in charge of everything and that it’s all John’s fault. John goes on the offensive and “insults” her by saying she’s a 22-year-old girl, which doesn’t bode well with Ashley Cooper. She counters with, “Mr. Trump, he thinks that I’ll only be successful because I’m beautiful and have a good personality.” Are we missing something here? Gone is her pout in favor of a radiant smile for The Donald. Everybody wants to fire Audrey, except her #1 fan, Angie.

In an odd move, Audrey decides to bring John, Craig, and Angie back into the boardroom. Angie looks upset for she has been defending Audrey all along. Now, in Angie’s mind, she might have brought Angie back in so that they could gang up on John. However, it’s apparent that Angie is no longer blinded by Audrey’s “beauty” and sees her as the beast instead. Now, Angie believes that Audrey should be fired.

Mr. Trump says although her team members thought Audrey was good-looking, they didn’t respect her and beauty doesn’t cut it. “At least they can’t say I picked the best-looking one,” remarks Mr. Trump.

In the Cab of Shame…

In the taxi, Audrey—her eyes drooping—says she’s sad that John is still there. And then, with a beaming smile, says “Mr. Trump did say I was beautiful.” For Audrey, all is forgiven.

Until next time…

Quotes of the week:

“When I get to the pier, we’re going to have a little pow-wow…[hangs up the phone and then under her breath]…to sit you down like a child and beat the s*** out of you.” – Audrey (when discussing with John the marketing strategy)

“Audrey made one big decision and that was that she was not going to make any decisions.” – John

“It’s really funny. She’s trying to go toe to toe with me, like the clash of the Titans, but in reality it’s like a lion swatting away a gnat.” – John (commenting about Audrey)

Warning: Children At Play – Starting Over, 03-02-05

by LauraBelle

Everyone currently in the Starting Over house had some type of difficulty in their childhood that now affects their adult life. Of course, this can be argued about most people, but these six women seem to have more than their share.

Rhonda starts out the day with a two-o-one with Bethany and Vanessa. Rhonda has noticed they have something in common – neither of them had a real childhood. Well, Bethany could possibly have had one; she just doesn’t remember. When Rhonda asks if she has had any flashbacks of being silly and playing, she says she hasn’t, which is odd, since in her hypnosis session with Dr. Stan last week she remembered playing dress-up with her brother and sister.

The two, Bethany and Vanessa, are going to have a fun play day to make up for what they missed out on. Their first assignment is to gather all their housemates in the front yard and play. Rhonda gives them “support tools” such as hula hoops, chalk and jump ropes. When Starting Over producers moved the show from Chicago to Los Angeles this year, they told us it was so the housemates could have more time outdoors. We didn’t realize this was what they had in mind.

Outside, Candy picks up the balls and juggles. Rachael says she never had much of a childhood either, especially after her parents died. Vanessa says in this environment it brings out the competitiveness in her instead of play, and starts to want to have contests, such as who can hula hoop the longest.

Iyanla walks in on this scene and asks what they are all doing, and is told they are having a fun play day. Everyone remarks how beautiful Iyanla looks today, and she replies she always does. You have to admire that ability in a woman, to always be that confident in her looks. She pulls Renee out for a quick chat.

Saying she has good and not so good news, Iyanla starts with the not so good news. Reggie, Renee’s dad, has wimped out and decided to not come to the Starting Over house today for his long-awaited reunion with Renee. The good news is Renee can still reach out to him with the letter. Iyanla notices Renee is pretending to be okay, but is deeply hurt, as she should be.

Rhonda arrives, pulls Cassie off to the side and hands her five videotape copies of Cassie’s message to her son. Today, Cassie’s birth son’s stepmother, Shelly, is coming for a visit, and Cassie is going to give the tapes to her to distribute, hoping one of the tapes will eventually reach her son. The copies are meant for the adoptive mother, one for the adoptive mother to give to the son, one for the adoptive father, one for the adoptive father to give to the son, and one for Shelly.

The best case scenario with Shelly’s visit is, Cassie believes, Shelly will see Cassie’s heart, to know she only wants the best for her son, and will agree to help. Her fear is the adoptive mother will be angry at her for going behind her back. Rhonda assures Cassie they’re not going behind anybody’s back. The adoptive mother shut the door on them, and chose not to help.

Next up is Group with Rhonda. She talks about the playtime they all just had in the front yard. Asked the benefits of it, Candy, the elder woman of the house, says it helps you stay young. Rhonda points out adults forget to enjoy life. Rachael takes the opportunity to say her childhood was interrupted with her parents’ death, and she was forced to abandon he childhood and be thirty-five. Vanessa did play, but missed out on having friends her own age, so had no one to share her play with.

Knowing Renee received the news her dad wasn’t visiting, Rhonda asks how she’s doing. renee says she is disappointed, but it’s good to be supported by the other women. Asked the difference between childish and child-like, Bethany says childish is demanding something right now and child-like is enjoying it now. Bethany knows to be child-like now, she needs to start allowing herself to have fun. To be child-like today, Renee realizes she needs to laugh and have fun, even though she is sad.

After Group, Rachael is shocked to get a phone call from Jerry, her biological father. He tells her he wants to fly down and come meet her. She would like it and wants to do it while in the Starting Over house, as she feels safest there. Jerry tells Rachael he is getting an album together for her, too, on things he has done in his life.

Renee meets with Iyanla to discuss, again, her dad not visiting. She had been more excited than scared, and is now just sad. Iyanla reassures her that her dad’s response doesn’t matter; Renee’s growth to forgive and get to this point is what really matters, and that still stands even without him coming to the house. Renee takes the opportunity to call and leave a message asking him to call her back to discuss him not coming.

They feel like kids again, Bethany and Vanessa tells Rhonda after their playtime outside. Next up for them, Rhonda is sending the two to the home of two professional players. Vanessa thinks the eclectic-ness of the house makes it look like a crazy house They all play with an iguana while two scottish terrier dogs wander about.

Bethany and Vanessa create cards and have their faces and wrists painted with passion flowers to represent having passion in their lives. To support their creativeness in the future, Vanessa would like to be a dancer, and Bethany would like to go back to singing and playing the piano.

Reggie calls Renee back before Iyanla leaves. She supports Renee during the phone call, as Reggie says he just felt it would be best to get together on their own, away from the pressures of the Starting Over cameras. She reads him her letter, and he says it was beautiful, and he is proud of her progress.

Reggie would like Renee to be part of he and his wife’s lives, and says there has bee a missing plate every get-together without her. I don’t know if I have ever heard something more touching. He tells her the letter confirms it and to save it for him. After Renee is off the phone, Iyanla tells her a mission impossible is possible when you trust yourself.

Shelly finally arrives at the Starting Over house, and Rhonda and Cassie are there to greet her. Shelly says she is immediately stunned by how much Cassie’s son looks like her. Getting down to business, they sit down and Cassie asks how long Shelly has known her son. Shelly says she was in his life from the time he was almost two to ten years old. The adoptive mother and dad were already separated and she was his babysitter when he was at his adoptive father’s home. Eventually she and the dad married, but the adoptive mother retained custody.

Asked to describe Cassie’s son, Shelly says having ADHD he was a handful, but liked Ninja turtles and pancakes. Skateboarding is his passion. At eighteen, he is tall, thin and blonde, and very good-looking.

Shelly is asked why the original adoption agreement wasn’t honored, and he wasn’t told initially he was adopted. Perhaps out of fear, Shelly believes, as Cassie’s son was a very angry boy. Cassie asks if it would harm him if she became involved in his life, and Shelly says she is not sure, but stresses Cassie should never go alone.

Rachael calls Iyanla and tells her that Jerry called. “Shut up!” Iyanla tells her. Rachael gives Iyanla the message that she should start arranging his visit. Rachael asks if it’s okay if her brother comes some time as well. Asked why, Rachael says she needs to tell him how he made her feel when he kept walking in and out of her life due to his drug use. Iyanla says they will get together tomorrow and discuss both her biological father and half-brother visiting.

Shelly gets out the pictures she has brought to show Cassie. Cassie says she was supposed to get some according to the original adoption agreement, but she never did. She also gives Cassie some momentos to keep as well, saying she still has plenty more for herself and the adoptive father to have and keep. Included is a sweatshirt that he personally decorated himself, some tiny mittens, a baby bib, and a picture he drew when he was around four that includes a set of his handprints on it. Cassie notices in the pictures his eyes are just like hers, and the pictures all look like her at that age. It has been over a day since I watched this episode, yet this still brings me to tears.

Cassie thanks Shelly for helping her to see she is worth it, as before she didn’t feel she was. Shelly assures her she is. Cassie asks if she should look for him now, and Shelly says if he is out of school, yes, Cassie should go for it, and suggests maybe going through the counselor at school, as they agree to give the counselor one of Cassie’s videotapes.

Cassie reads the letter she has written aloud to Shelly, who says she believes Cassie doesn’t want to hurt her son. Cassie tells Shelly she is so glad Shelly was in his life, and Shelly says so was she. Shelly repeats my personal motto, that everything happens for a reason. She also says Cassie has to follow her heart and that she and the adoptive father support her in that.

Something tells me meeting her son could make this all come full circle. Just like the others, Cassie is deeply wounded by her childhood, which aided her in giving her son up for adoption. She wanted a better life for him. It seems he hasn’t gone on to have the happiest life, and the adoptive mother wants to blame Cassie’s genes for the situation. It seems, though, that the adoptive father and Shelly believe that the adoptive mother is more to blame for her controlling ways. I think meeting each other could heal both Cassie and her son. Along with Cassie and Shelly, I believe it is all happening for a reason.

I welcome all questions and comments at LauraBelle@realityshack.com

Lights! Camera! Action! – The Simple Life, Episode 5

Lights, Camera, Action! – The Simple Life, Episode 5

By: Chloe

The first shot is of the Eisner family peeking out the window at their approaching guests, Nicole and Paris. With their backs to the camera, they watch the dogs scamper around in the front yard. Andy Eisner, Dad, thinks if the dog poops in the yard, his neighbors will scoop it up and sell it on EBay. It’s the American Way!

In a side interview, Andy warns of foul language and a loud obnoxious family. Oooo, goodie! This could be exciting…not! Yawn! The family consists of a mom who fades into the background, one teenage girl who fades with her, a pre-teen drum playing son and a little show-off baby brother. Within a few minutes of Paris and Nicole’s arrival, the drummer is giving a rock concert to polite onlookers, Paris and Nicole. The little show-off models his Michael Meyers mask, slaps himself and then falls to the floor, all in an attempt to impress Nicole and Paris. Cute, but the dead air space in between his antics is painful. Nighty-night, baby brother!

The following morning, Paris and Nicole slump into a local news station to intern at the ungodly hour of 5:30. Gasp! Believe me, they look like they just rolled out of bed and left the hairbrush at home.

The first task is to write a spot on the Great American Smoke-out, to which Paris wonders, “What is the Great American Smoke-out?” We see another look of stunned amazement from yet another employer. Don’t they watch this show? Okay, sorry! I had a moment there.

They whip out the spot and the talking heads run through it quickly. Meanwhile, Paris and Nicole assist the cameramen and queue the talking heads. They do this by waving their hands around and dancing.

Next, they are sent to the control room to handle the teleprompter. They realize its great fun to speed up the prompter and see how fast the talking heads can keep up. This goes okay until the boss gets irritated and takes them off of it.

Steve, the weather man, takes over Paris and Nicole’s training from there. He guides them through the displays of the weather statistics and takes their word processing blunders well.

Later that day at the Eisner house, the girls decide to give makeovers to the boys. The parents agree, not realizing what will happen to their babies.

The kids get the full treatment of hair styling, coloring (in primary colors), clothes and ear piercing – not the baby, just the drummer.

Reception back at the Eisner house is a little lukewarm to say the least. They’re not overly enthusiastic to see their babies turned into punk rockers! No big! A little water, scissors and ditching the earring and they’re back to normal.

At the TV station the next morning, Paris gets to be the new weather girl. In her runway model outfit including her purse, which she will not let loose, Steve, the weatherman, trains her on the weather screens. In her charming, airhead way she actually does a good job.

After two minutes, she is bored though and decides to play matchmaker for Steve, the weatherman, by holding his picture up to the camera and announcing his availability. Poor man! He completely loses it and the sweat begins to pour. He is completely nerved out now, which doesn’t get better as the phones ring off the hook with prospective dates.

Paris and Nicole earn a good report from their station boss and receive $100 each. It’s back to the Eisner house for goodbyes.

The girls feel bad about the makeovers that went awry, so they cut a bit of hair from their own heads and put it into a locket for the drummer son. For the little show-off they give him bronzer makeup. Baby bro’ is touched and gives them a framed school picture in return.

And it’s on the road again…

I welcome your comments! Chloe@realityshack.com

Cheated! – American Idol 4 – 3/2/05

By Annie

Yesterday my alarm went off at its usual time of 4:50 a.m. As per my daily schedule, I prepared myself for work, did battle with the Los Angeles freeway system, and put in my ten hours of work. Once again I got back on the freeways, waved to my fellow commuters, stopped to pick up a few things at the store and got home dog-tired.

We had drizzles and threatening clouds all day.

You might be wondering what this has to do with American Idol. The answer to that is “nothing”. But I thought you might want to read something that – believe it or not – was more exciting than the measly 30 minutes of Wednesday night’s American Idol.

When one thinks of American Idol, one envisions music, applause, cheers, boo’s and good entertainment. Wednesday night we got cheated. It was strictly eliminations. No music. No final songs.

Ryan spoke with the judges briefly and they told us what we’ve heard from them many times before – that if you pick a popular song by a current artist, you must hit it out of the ballpark or you will sound like a bad imitation.

First to be eliminated is Celena. She says she sang what she loved. Randy, Paula and Simon all tell her to keep her dreams alive. I’d like to tell you more – but there wasn’t more.

Ryan speaks ever-so-briefly to the women about doing well in dress rehearsal. Nadia agrees she felt comfortable then but you never know when you’ll miss a note during the real deal.

Next to go is Aloha. The judges agree, this was not her time to be going home. I’d like to tell you more – but there wasn’t more.

After a roll call of safe names, we learn that Joseph and David are going home. The judges say that some of their performances lacked spark.
Truly, I wish I could tell you more. I wish I could add some drama or something funny – anything. But honestly – that is all there was to the show.

I feel cheated.

If this recap leaves you feeling as I did after watching AI (cheated and wanting more), feel free to email me and I’ll tell you more about my exciting day-to-day life. This goes for you too, Mario! :loveyou:

annie@realityshack.com

Witch Doctor Kim and Her Rockin' Violin: Queer Eye for the Straight Girl Episode 1. 7

–Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl

What madness is this? No file footage shuffling out to the SUV? Have the Queer Eye people heard my cry? Instead, the Gal Pals are taking a building by storm! They infiltrate the offices where Kim works. She’s wearing her black hair in pigtail buns, has on an open button down over a tee, baggy pants, a messenger bag, and no make-up. They whisk her out of the building. Honey grabs cookies from someone’s desk on the way out.

In the SUV, Kim needs a cigarette. Danny opens her dossier and finds that she’s a punk rock princess and used to be a farm girl. And she was a shoplifter. Danny says that part of the day will be teaching her how to not get caught. She says that she learned that she shouldn’t wear mesh or see-through clothes, as she did when she got caught. Damon says, “Vandals never wear sheer.” Heehee.

Danny says that Kim wants her band to be successful so she can make money and pay for stuff. She’s 32 and spends her money on partying. The GP are not too impressed with that. Kim says, “Well you’re going to take care of me, right?” Robbie says, “We will take care of you TODAY, but you’re on your own after that.”

Credits. You know those Learn to Dance tapes that come with footprints to follow? Well, there are some crazy-ass dance steps that scroll across the bottom of the screen. Try that, Danny.

They arrive at Kim’s apartment and the music stops. Robbie says, “I’m so sorry, Damon.” The apartment is a wreck. Crap is all over the place. Some walls are while. Some are a pinkish-red with white splotches of primer. Honey ventures into the bathroom and calls it disgusting.

Kim has a box and a pile of brain-fetus art that’s really coyote backbones and skulls. Elsewhere, Honey finds a whip and starts whipping the room and then tries to whip Robbie.

Danny enters the kitchen and thanks God that he had his rabies shot. There are empty water bottles, nasty towels, and dishes everywhere. He yells, “This is DISGUSTING.” So far, that’s two disgusting rooms.

In the living room, Damon finds a doll body with no head. He and Danny assume that one of the skulls should be attached to the body. They decide it’s either a voodoo doll or a date that never escaped Kim’s voodoo powers. Since when is she a witch doctor?

Robbie then flies out of the closet (pun!) in a frilly, rag doll dress and straw hat. Danny calls him Woody’s girlfriend from Toy Story.

Meanwhile, Honey hops onto Kim’s computer. She finds poetry. She thinks that’s the secret to Kim’s personality. Kim’s a musician, so poetry really isn’t a far leap.

In the bedroom, Damon calls Kim a witch. Danny finds a large black cloak and says it’s good for a witch hunt. If she’s the witch, why would she hunt witches?

In other part of the house, there’s pathetic, grayed linoleum flooring. Danny calls it very “pet cemetery.”

Over in the living room, Robbie steps on a skull.

Danny pulls Kim aside for a heart-to-heart. She tells him she’s not where she thought she’d be at 32. She wants to be successful. She will always play music, regardless of how successful the band is. She wants to spread her wings and she goes into a diatribe about cocoons.

Meanwhile, Damon folds Honey and Robbie into the sofa bed. Heehee.

Cut to Robbie and Kim in her closet. He pulls out some white go-go boots. “NO!” She says, “They were for a costume!” He says, “Well, these boots were made for walking. Away from here” and throws them. He asks what she wants to wear on stage. She says it needs to be a tough punk image and moveable. She’s a self-proclaimed “nutcase on stage.”

In the corner of the apartment, Kim has stacked up leaves and big branches. Damon likes the concept but thinks Kim needs to go about it a different way.

Robbie then goes through the box of skulls. He says it’s like going through the junk box of a 12-year-old boy rather than a 32-year-old woman. Danny and Honey vigorously nod their heads in agreement.

Honey ventures back into the bathroom with Kim. Kim has lots of make-up and never throws anything away. Honey tells her that she has to throw stuff away because bacteria build in it. Then Honey says that she already threw out a bunch of stuff. So there.

Damon sidles up to the potbelly stove and says it’s where Kim cooks children. Okay then.

Meanwhile, Honey talks to Kim about her wrinkles. That’s nice.

Elsewhere in the house, Robbie has wrapped Damon up in brown paper. Danny shakes his head at them. “That’s productive.” Heehee.

Kim then plays the violin for them. Danny says that music is clearly her dream. Isn’t that what she’s been saying? He tells her that he has record company people coming to her show tonight.

The GP leave and the Hunky Helpers enter. Damon turns to follow the HH, but the GP pull him back on track.

The bass player interviews that Kim is a rocker chick.

The friend interviews that Kim shops in thrift stores.

A band member interviews that Kim is inspired by poverty.

In the SUV, Kim feels chaos. She says she needs to learn how to focus. Robbie says that focus is the word that popped into his mind, too. She wants her home to be like an outdoorsy place. Like a treehouse. Robbie says, “This isn’t Swiss Family Robinson!”

They arrive at a furniture store with an indo-Chinese theme. Obligatory seat sitting. Kim leans back in a teak loungy chair and says, “Captain, I’m ready for take off.” I guess she likes it.

They find a shelving unit of dark wood that has about nine cube shelves. I want them for my apartment! Damon says they can flank the shelves. Kim says, “And by flank, you mean…” Thanks for asking, Kim, because I had no idea either. Apparently, flanking means getting two and pairing them against a wall. Damon and his technical lingo.

Next, Damon throws Kim on a dark wood four poster bed. Damon and Robbie sandwich her. She laments, “Too bad you guys are gay.” They all get up, Kim leaves, and Robbie and Damon look at each other wide-eyed as if to say, wow she needs a man.

Moving on to Danny at Crunch gym. Danny is wearing only a pair of shorts. My heart is pounding and seriously I felt my eyes get wider than they’ve ever gotten before. I have no idea what’s going on right now because I can’t get over Danny in his semi-naked state. Something about kickboxing and a guy named Chad.

Blah. Blah. Blah. Danny with no clothes. Okay, now Kim is kicking and punching. Danny? Still in the shorts but now he has on boxing gloves. Grrr. More Kim punching and kicking. Chad and Danny fear for their lives as Kim takes out all her aggression.

Danny says it’s time to shower up and, much to my dismay, the cameras do not follow him. Sigh.

Kim meets up with Robbie at JackHenry. Danny is now fully clothed to accompany her. He should be naked more often. In fact, that should be a law. Danny can’t wear clothes. Anyway, they meet up with Tia who dresses lots of rock stars.

First she tries on a cream colored bustier with black lace at the top and a halter strap and skirty thing. She says it may inspire the band to wear colors other than black.

Black satiny pants. Metallic heels. Painted jacket. Layered tank and no bra yet her nipples don’t show through. Magic!

Next she puts on a denim bustier and blue jeans. She explains that the band never wears blue jeans. It’s always black. She suggests that she get the jeans and ease the band into the idea of them. She doesn’t want to wear them at the big gig. Too much change too soon. Kim, they’re jeans. Get over it. Instead, she pairs the denim bustier (which is blue denim so she’s very hypocritical here) with a black mini-skirt.

She moves on to FrankStudio with Honey for a haircut. Honey and Robbie slurp down apple martinis as Honey explains that FrankStudio has a lot of apple scented products. Frank won’t strip the color out of Kim’s hair because it’s too dark. He will cover up her gray and cut angles. Wow—by the time he’s done, Kim looks fabulous. Angled. Layered. No more pig buns at the top of her head.

Over to Danny at the historical Village Studios where Floyd and Dylan have recorded. She meets BT, a producer and DJ, who listens to and criticizes Kim’s song. She does some violin finger plucking (that sounds dirty!) and BT suggests she put it at the beginning of her song. He wants her to make her song sound “uber professional.” That’s an industry term, you know.

Danny and Honey then give Kim an electric violin. Or a floating violin. Or is it a violin made of metal? Okay, I have no clue what the hell it is but Kim sure is happy about it and that’s what counts.

The lead guitarist interviews that Kim’s taste and look suffers.

Her friend interviews that she works hard to make it through life.

In the SUV, heading home, Danny tells Kim she has so much riding on her show. He says it could change her life. Kim retorts, “It better or you’re all fired.” Honey bursts out laughing. Ha! That’s comedy.

Ooh, more Hunky Helpers. They move things. They hang things. The help hunkily.

Kim enters the apartments and says, and I’m not kidding here, “Holy monkeys and bananas and sundaes and trees.” What??? Damon says he loves her hair. Now there’s a relevant response.

He explains that all the material is tactile and smooth. He made bamboo walls, which are awesome! Also he installed and flanked the shelves.

The dining room is now salmon colored and the table is dark wood.

The living room walls are a lemony-sage color.

The bedroom is blue. The four poster bed is in the middle with burgundy satiny bedding and a real mattress that forms to your body. They all climb into the bed. Damon hung floating shelves on the wall. Her skulls are now on the shelves.

The bathroom is clean, thankfully, and bright white. Damon added crimson accents.

Honey brings Dr. Perricone in for a skin care lesson. I think Dr. Perricone has a book out right now. He be famous. He also mumbles and I have a hard time understanding what he’s telling Kim to do. Something about anti-inflammatory pore tightening, facelift in a bottle with a few squirts, and edible lip plumper. That’s all I got from him. He leaves, mumbling a good-bye.

Honey gives Kim the Kate Spade Bag ‘o Make Up.

Over in the closet, Robbie lays out outfits for Kim to choose from. He mixes the new clothes with the old ones. They decide she will wear the denim bustier, black mini-skirt, and combat boots for the performance.

They gather near the door to the apartment. She grabs Danny’s hands and says, “We’re in love!” WHAT? BACK OFF SISTER! Where did that come from anyway? She says that she’s in love with all of them. They she cries and says she’s blessed. Because God speaks to people via make-overs. They believe in her. Group hug.

Hip Tip: Contrast is the fashion trend. Robbie says it’s okay to wear sequins and jeans.

Kim’s friend interviews that Kim loves to party.

The drummer interviews that Kim is an artist.

The Gal Pals gather round the Armani Critic Couch. Kim showers, towels, and does her skin regimen. She scrubs her face rather quickly. She then has no idea what make-up is what and almost pokes herself in the eye with the eyeliner.

Danny asks, “Is there a reason she’s doing this at 70 miles an hour?”

Damon points out that Kim puts her hands over her head to shield the light as she looks at her make-up in the mirror. On stage is darker and she’s predicting how she’ll look in different light.

She puts on fishnets, the black skirt, and, well, then she has some trouble with the bustier. The GP yell at her to suck it in and squeeze it on. Robbie says, “It’s a one of a kind top so I’d like to see it in one piece.” Heehee.

She finally gets it on. Then she puts on her blue boots and painted jacket that Danny wants as his own.

Kim arrives at a club called The Gig. The band “wows” and “omigods.” Kim asks for a drum beat and then proceeds to strip off her jacket and model her new look. They like it. Robbie loves her boobs. Kim shows the band her new violin. They love it. Honey calls her sexy.

The Gig fills up. Danny freaks out because the A&R people aren’t there. The show starts. The crowd cheers. Kim rocks the stage with her violin. There’s a flute player too—that’s very Jethro Tull. Kim faces the audience while playing, which she’s never done before.

Now Kim sings. It’s Evanescence like. The A&R people arrive. Ooh, bongos. Robbie calls Kim, “A total original.” The music moguls whisper to each other. The show ends. Danny comments, “all that without a boob popping out.” Ha!

Kim meets up with the music moguls. They invite her up to the offices to talk about representation.

The Gal Pals are amazed and squeal. They toast to Kim and say, “You’re on your way!”

This week’s tips:

Honey says put eyeliner in the freezer if you need to sharpen it.

Robbie says to wear lingerie as a tank top.

Damon says that pillows are fun.

Danny says he wants to marry me and take me around the world and then father eight children. Or he says that stretching is important when working out. You decide what’s the truth.

The punk rock witch doctor is made over into a punk rock witch doctor. Umm, wasn’t this supposed to be a make-over?

Email me: Christina@realityshack.com Do you think Danny should be legally bound to be naked?

Getting to Know You Repeatedly: Queer Eye for the Straight Girl Casting Special

–Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl

And now for an hour of filler-fun. An anonymous woman’s voice talks about the Gal Pals and how they’re “the best friends any straight girl could ask for” while we see clips of all different Queer Eye for the Straight Girl episodes. The voice-over woman, who probably has a phone sex job judging by the tone of her voice, continues to repeat herself. I swear she says that best friends line at least five times. Finally, she says, “Meet the Gal Pals.”

Credits. Vroom, vroom, Honey.

The music transitions into the theme song for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Didn’t the phone sex operator just tell us we were going to meet the Gal Pals? What gives?

Apparently, we need a history lesson. PSO voices over that Carson, Kyan, Thom, Ted, and Jai became America’s sweethearts once Queer Eye came onto the scene. No mention of Blaire, the queer who fell by the wayside after the second episode of the first season, making way for Jai. Where is Blaire now? Crying into his morning protein shake, no doubt. Dumb move, hot shot.

In 2004, Queer Eye went international! Fab Fives appeared in all sorts of countries like France, Sweden, Denmark, Italy, and Spain! A clip reel ensues with international gay men climbing through international closets, speaking languages other than English. The only thing I kind of understand is one Italian guy tells another guy something about a mother and a shirt. My foreign language skills could use a little polishing.

The original Fab Five won an Emmy.

Enter the West Coast guides for straight girls living on the West Coast. So says PSO, who slightly growls when she says Coast. She must earn at least six figures a year.

Danny interviews that straight girls are hysterical, inappropriate, appropriate, and loving. And I love him, so we must be meant for each other.

Honey interviews that they don’t do make-over shows. They do make-better shows.

Robbie interviews that each girl already has everything she needs to be fabulous. They just unbury the fabulousness on the show.

Danny calls each episode one big gay party.

Damon interviews that gay men and straight girls get along so well. Honey contributes that to the love of shopping and checking out men. Danny says that there’s no ulterior motive when it comes to gay men because they’re obviously not looking for more than friendship with a woman.

This is the part of the show where we meet the Gal Pals.

PSO says that Robbie is The Look. Robbie explains that he’s all about fashion and grooming. Although I think Danny does more grooming tips on the show than Robbie. Robbie’s too busy stealing clothes.

PSO says Damon is The Locale. Damon explains that he gives each home a new design.

PSO says Danny is The Lifestyle. Danny My Love explains that he does everything. Really? Don’t tempt me.

PSO say Honey is The Lady. Honey explains that she has something unique about her that helps her connect with the girls—her gender. Yes, that’s why she’s The Lady. She has a vagina, which makes her qualified to give a female perspective.

This is the part of the show where the Gal Pals gossip about each other.

Danny interviews that the chemistry between the four of them is “brilliant or destructive.” Cut to scenes of the GP fighting.

Robbie interviews that he and Danny are always fighting. Cut to scenes of Robbie and Danny beating each other up and wrestling on the floor.

Damon interviews that Robbie is a prankster because he wears funny outfits. Cut to scenes of Robbie dressing up in women’s clothes. Those aren’t funny outfits, Damon. Those are the clothes he’s trying to steal.

Robbie interviews that Danny thinks he’s so cool because he’s British. Then he makes fun of Danny, saying that “Danny thinks he’s James Bond but really he’s a big queen.” Cut to scenes of Danny dancing and twirling and doing high-kicks. Those are Bond’s new moves, actually.

Damon interviews that Honey is motherly. Cut to scenes of Honey yelling, “Boys! Boys! Boys! Someone is going to get hurt!” Danny adds that Honey has no qualms about flirting with their straight girls. Cut to scenes of Honey sneaking peeks at girls from all different angles.

Honey interviews that Damon is a mama’s boy and is the youngest of them all. I didn’t think Damon was the youngest. I thought Robbie was. He doesn’t seem all that young anyway. Damon calls himself inappropriate and blames it on his being youngest.

Damon then says that the Gal Pals are like brothers and sisters. Much like his relationship with lost half-brother Roger Lodge.

Danny interviews that, because they spend so much time in the SUV, he invented a car dance. So that’s where that choreography came from a few episodes ago! The mystery has been solved! Cut to scenes of Danny and the GP dancing up a storm in the SUV.

This is the part of the show where the GP repeat everything that PSO already said at the beginning of the show.

Robbie interviews that he’s The Look. He embodies his job from head to toe, especially when it comes to bags and shoes. He’s most upset that many girls can’t walk in heels. He says that going through closets is the best way he can find out about a girl. He also says that the girls he works with aren’t afraid to voice their opinions, cry, or “throw you against a wall and threaten you.” Heehee. That’s the first amusing comment that’s happened this episode.

Danny interviews that he loves The Life because “it’s a broad spectrum—health, fitness, food, wine, and dreams.” He’s the dreamweaver. He can get you through the night. He also finds out about the girls from their closets. However, he goes that extra step and actually talks to the girls. He has a heart to heart until they cry, and that’s when he knows his job is done.

Damon, as The Locale, interviews that he re-does the home. He says that it’s hard to figure out the girls’ personalities when he first walks into a home. I’m guessing that’s because they have no real style going on and that’s why they need him in the first place. He mostly updates the furniture and then “picks and chooses” important focal points, and works around them. He thinks “the gift of giving a new home is huge.”

Honey interviews, “Every time someone asks me what I do, I explain that I talk to them about being a woman.” Because she’s The Lady. She says she bridges the gap. What gap? I thought that gay men were the perfect friends for straight women. There should be no gap. Honey says she gets to know the girls through their make-up regimen and their books. She claims that every woman needs pampering and fun.

This is the part of the show where we see audition tapes and the casting directors and producers talk about the auditions. Are we having fun, yet?

Hundreds of men from the “gay mafia” showed up to the audition. They were handsome, funny, diverse guys. One of them wore braids and looked like Pocahontas if Pocahontas were a gay man living in L. A. They had many professions: hairdresser, actor, songwriter, hypnotherapist. One of them had a fake chin. One of the casting directors calls the producers to tell him, “Every gay man in LA is an event planner.” Let the laughs roll as we see a rapid set of clips of gay men telling the CD that he’s an event planner.

Danny likens the audition process to a gay club on a Saturday night—a bunch of queens crowded in a room with a camera in the middle. The guys had only five minutes to make an impression.

Robbie says that the process was “more grueling than I ever imagined.”

Damon says, “It went on forever. And ever. And ever. And ever.”

Robbie, Danny, and Damon “wanted it.” Really wanted it. Badly. And that’s why they got the job.

The gay casting director/producer person calls Danny “a force inside a great package.” The straight casting director/producer person says, “I’ll stick with a force.” The gay CDPP cackles.

The Critic Couch has now appeared in a tiny brown room and the GP are watching the audition footage. Danny calls Damon a character from Team America. Split screen of Damon and character—wow, they do look similar. I wonder if he, too, is related to Roger Lodge.

The CDPPs say that Damon’s eyebrows were memorable. The gay CDPP says that Damon had appeal because “he could be your best friend or he could be your lover.” The straight CDPP says Damon was “talented.” The gay CDPP cackles again.

During the audition, they asked Robbie if he was familiar with hair and make-up. Robbie says, “Am I familiar with make-up? I’m wearing it! I’m on camera!” Everyone laughs. The CDPP call him a great friend.

The CDPP explain that they brought in a “real live straight girl” to the auditions to see whose chemistry worked. While with Robbie, she says, “I don’t do heels.” Robbie blurts out, “I’m leaving! Those are my favorite things!” Everyone laughs again.

On the Critic Couch, Danny tells Robbie that he liked that he wore a jacket to the audition. Then they realize that all three guys are wearing jackets on the Critic Couch. Then Honey says, “Look at the three of you!” They’re all sitting with their left legs crossed daintily over their right legs with perfect posture. “And look at me!” Honey has her legs spread wide and is hunched over, her elbows leaning on her knees. They all laugh some more. Heehee. That’s maybe the third amusing thing this episode. Robbie’s casting bits make me smile too.

The CDPP explain that they had a casting call for a show called Liquid Lesbian for which every single lesbian on the West Coast showed up. It was a fake show because they didn’t want people to know there would be a lesbian on queer eye. During the casting, they ask a bunch of lesbians “would you rather” questions. Finally, they come to the infamous, “Ginger or Maryann?” Now, remember that beer commercial where the guys are playing pool and they ask each other that question and one of the women says that Ginger was a bimbo so all the guys choose Maryann? Well, not here! In unison, the lesbians say, “Ginger!” and everyone laughs.

Honey explains that in being the lady, “the womanness is there.” What the hell does that mean? The CDPP say Honey stood out because she was demanding and smart.

On the Critic Couch, Honey says that she thinks she took off her jacket when she realized a lesbian casting director was coming into the room. Seconds later on the audition tape, she slides off her jacket. The boys cheer.

The CDPP finally mixed the gay guys and the lesbians and mass chaos ensued as everyone realized that a lesbian would be on the show. The Gal Pals say they first thought that they were being duped.

Damon interviews, “the lesbionic twist was phenomenal.” That’s so not a word but I’m so loving it. Plus, he can get away with making up new words because he’s the youngest and has big eyebrows.

On the casting footage, Robbie and Honey chit chat. He tells her that he loves the Debra Messing look she has, and she says, “Yeah, no boobs.” They giggle. More footage of the GP getting along in the hallway. Kinda like a pressureless singles mixer because they aren’t interested in each other.

This is the part of the show where we watch the GP get “the call.”

Danny “whoohoos!” into the phone. Damon smiles. Honey says she’d love to be on the show. Robbie? Yells at his cat. On the Critic Couch, the GP cheer for themselves.

This is the part of the show where we learn about where the GP came from. It includes baby pics which is cool. And it repeats stuff we’ve already heard this episode.

Danny was born in London and raised by his great-grandmother and grandmother so he learned all about cooking. He became a dancer and an actor and did plays in the West End. Then he traveled the world. Some cool pics of Danny with hair. So weird.

Damon is from San Diego. He opened a floral design shop and became an event planner. He explains that Thom from QEFTSGuy does all the re-do on his own, while QEFTSGirl has Hunky Helpers. Damon says he’s too lazy to do it all himself.

Honey is from New York. Yes, that’s her real name. She says that if she didn’t get the Queer Eye job, she’d probably be a stripper or a Bond girl. Perfect for Danny’s Dancing Bond. She has two siblings, and they were all raised by her single mom. She had been married and had a daughter. Then realized she was a lesbian and everyone was shocked, especially her husband. She produced several independent films, including one about gay marriage.

Robbie is from Oregon. He studied theater and loved clothes. As much as he loved Oregon, he moved to L. A. as soon as he could. He modeled, and we see lots of modeling pics. He did commercials, too.

This is the part of the show where the GP talk about their experiences on Queer Eye. And repeat stuff they said before.

These experiences include watching a birthing video and kickboxing.

This is the part of the show where we see a gag reel of Hip Tips.

The CDPP explain that the only part of the show that requires a bit of acting ability is the Hip Tips. Damon hates Hip Tips. No one is good at them. We first see clips of them messing up and laughing about it. By the end, they’re all cursing on the gag reel.

This is the part of the show where the GP offer miscellaneous commentary that didn’t fit anywhere else in the show, except for when they said it the first time around using different words.

The episodes have a range of emotion. Robbie says that it’s more than make-up and furniture.

Honey talks about the show with Kristin and Peter and their wedding. They all reminisce about Melissa. And then about all the other girls.

The CDPP are proud of the show.

Gag reel of the Gal Pals making a final toast on the Critic Couch and not getting it right. Ever.

Let me start by saying that I truly love the Gal Pals. That being said—Do you ever feel as if you’ve wasted an hour of your life? Try to imagine what it’s like to then write about it…

Email me: christina@realityshack.com What would you rather be doing right now?

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