— Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl
Let me start by saying I’ve had an awfully long day and I’m writing this under the stress of having stood out in the cold for hours on end while there was a fake bomb scare at my job today. I teach and it’s midterms week and some idiot decided that standing out in zero-degree weather is better than taking a test. So if I seem a bit off and this recap misses things, that’s why.
In the SUV, the Gal Pals open the dossier for this week’s straight girl, Luz. Luz has big boobs. Her parents, who now live with her and come from Mexico, put her through Stanford and Harvard. She is a lawyer who left a six-figure salaried job to work in her neighborhood for much less money. Damon shrieks, “WHY?!” Then there’s dead silence. Heehee. She’s going to work in Compton. Robbie yells, “Everybody down!” She works, works, works, but in an unfashionable office. She has old, frumpy clothing. Their mission: Unveil a new Luz and give a great office opening. A little more Erin Brockovich and a little less Marsha Clark.
Credits. Did you know the dancing silhouette is really a blonde?
The GP invade Luz’s quaint house. White walls, hard wood floors, not much decoration, not much furniture. A big ass big screen television that takes up half the living room. Which Robbie points out is quite different from the old wood-paneled 20-inch sitting on the floor in the corner of the room that acts as some sort of end table. And then there’s Luz: a petite, brown haired woman in sensible shoes. There’s nothing really wrong with her but she’s not fashion forward.
Damon is intrigued by the mini-microwave sitting next to the fireplace. He says, “Look! You can cook!” Heehee. Then he says, “We have passionate love making going on,” and straddles a tiny white statue of naked people doing it that was hidden behind the large television.
Coming out of the closet (heeee—I amuse myself) is Danny, dressed in a pink boa, holding a biking helmet. He says that the “workout stuff in the back of the closet is not a good sign.” But he says “sign” all Britishy and I fall in love all over again.
Back to Damon, who’s futzing with the stereo. Luz says she doesn’t know how to use it because it’s her dad’s. Danny emerges in the boa, but now also has a silky white dress dangling from his neck. “Is this for when mom and dad are not around?” Heehee.
Meanwhile, Honey is trying to open the piano. She tugs and pulls. “Somebody locked the organ. They must have known we were coming.”
Back to the bedroom, where Danny now paws through underwear and jewelry.
Over to Damon, who’s made his way into the white, white bathroom. This place is like a laboratory. Damon pulls back a curtain and says, “This is a clever way to hide the hideousness.” Meanie. He’s just projecting his bitterness that he lost the Blind Date gig to his long lost half brother Roger Lodge.
Now Robbie’s in the closet, literally but not figuratively, criticizing the lawyer-clothes. He wants nice suits but instead gets blazers. “Every single thing I’m not recommending.” So this episode he won’t be stealing anything. And Danny has lost the boa in trade for a belly-dancer skirt. Which he jingles by shaking his firm bottom. Shake shake shake. He humps the doorway. Sigh. He’s such a tease.
Honey has broken the code and opened the piano. She’s now playing some tunes. She thinks she’s talented and she has to use only one finger. I think that’s a lesbian joke!
Danny has torn apart Luz’s bedroom (which, in case you couldn’t guess, is white). There’s crap all over her bed. He starts his inquiry: “So how long has it been since you’ve had a boyfriend?” She says a year. Then, “How was the sex?” Wow, that’s so none of his business. But their Gal Pals so why not ask? Luz laughs instead of answering. Or maybe that is her answer.
Mayhem at the organ! Damon and Robbie get in on some dancin’ action!
Cut to Danny. “Well, how WAS the sex?” Luz says okay. Ha! Her ex must love that. She says he wasn’t very nice. Apparently, he told her that she was only 85% of what he wanted. Danny says, “WHAT?!” in disbelief. Yeah, the last guy I went on a date with told me I was mushy and that he could help me work on my problem areas. Wonder what Danny would say to that.
Meanwhile, the dancing has subsided. Honey and Robbie wonder what’s under the curtain that hangs above the piano. Is it a window? No! It’s an air conditioner, which I think is a creative way to cover it up. Those things are hideous in any room.
Enter Luz’s friend, a very cute man who may be gay. Damon takes him away. Robbie asks Luz if he’s a “friend” using the whole finger-air-quotes thing. Damon says, “I smell a bi.” Heehee. His name is David. And yes, he may be gay. Almost gay.
Danny makes Gayvid spill the beans on her last boyfriends. He wanted to beat up the most recent ex. He calls her wonderful and like the mother to everyone, but she doesn’t take care of herself.
Damon then calls her Charro as he makes her wear a pink halter top.
Danny goes through Luz’s DVDs looking for slutty stuff.
Gayvid tells Robbie that Luz waxes her upper lip. Nice.
They all jump in the SUV and talk about her job and how a new office will help her help more people. She wants to make a difference. Her office has bars on the windows and Danny asks if its for keeping people in or out. Florescent lights. Ew. Paneled walls. Ew. Bookcases and desks scattered about. Rubber flowers. Shelves of law books. Danny goes through a desk and asks, “What’s with the Winnie the Pooh tissues? You’re not three!” Heehee. Damon says that the office has no personality. Except for being bland. Bleck.
They move to the empty space next door. Danny wows. “You weren’t kidding when you said blank canvas.” The place is an empty white box. Damon’s decorating heaven. Honey tells Luz that she shows confidence at the office that she didn’t show at home. Luz says that her office is her territory. Honey wants them to make an office that shows “how Luz thinks she feels says you.” What?
Danny stresses that really important people will be at the office warming. Luz asks, “More important than you?” STOP FLIRTING WITH MY MAN!
Luz’s client interviews that she needs help with her look.
Her co-worker says she dresses like she’s going to a funeral.
HUNKY HELPERS CARRY LARGE WHITE BUCKETS!
In the SUV, Luz says she wants to buy clothes that are sexy and professional.
HUNKY HELPERS MOVE DESKS!
They pile into Saks and shop for petite power suits with their own private shopping suite. The first suit is “classic black”. Robbie puts Luz in a single-button suit because she has curves, as real women do. He says, “It’s very courtroom drama.” She puts on a gray tweed dress with a black jacket. It’s “classic” too. He then puts her in shoes that reveal toe cleavage. It’s in, especially if you like Michael Kors. And you have to like Michael Kors if you watch Bravo because he’s the judge on Project Runway.
The next stop on Luz’s make-over train is the furniture store. Damon shows her some really funky tables in orange tones. Then he caresses a table and says it may be too much for the office but it would be good as an end table. Desk shopping too. Fun.
Obligatory couch and chair sitting. They find a couch that Damon calls “feminine but not too girly.”
Luz meets up with Danny for some food shopping. It’s so cute—Luz is taking notes! Danny makes her take them but it’s still cute. Danny tells her all about expensive wine and more expensive wine and red and white and how many glasses in a bottle.
And then they try some cheese. Who can eat that much cheese all at once? They taste and taste. They come to some cheese that I’ve never heard of and Luz says, “I don’t think enough people would like that to buy it.” Danny thinks she’s making a wise decision and budgeting her money well. Hey, why is she budgeting? Why does she have to pay? Maybe since they made over her house and office she needs to foot the bill for food.
Next it’s canapés. Because Danny hasn’t said canapé in a while. Duck mousse is cheap. Cheap canapés it is.
Onto the salon with Honey and Robbie. It’s an A-list salon in L. A. First, she learns day-to-night make-up routines. Brow-brushing. Dusting of color. Honey likes mascara. Luz uses an eyelash curler and mascara. Lips last. To enhance the look for night, she puts cream eye shadow on.
Next, she gets a hair cut. The premier colorist comes out and can’t wait to seamlessly layer her hair and add in light caramel color. Luz doesn’t want “hoochie red colors.” Heehee.
Gayvid says Luz takes care of everyone in need.
Her co-worker interviews that she should do something for herself.
In the SUV towards home, Honey makes Luz stare at her hair in the car mirror. She tells Robbie and Honey that her dad hands out her business card at shop meets. She enters the house and finds a new bedroom. Her bedroom now has a feminine touch and some decoration. The bed has a satiny orange-brown comforter with matching striped throw pillows. She has wooden night tables and some wall art. Damon says she has a new mattress, too.
Honey got Luz designer reading glasses from Lenscrafters. I once returned glasses to Lenscrafters. They have a great guarantee. Honey says she feels smarter with glasses on. Thanks. Keep the nerd stereotype alive. Also, Honey gives her a GP gift pack!
Robbie tells Luz to use sheer stockings for a dressy look, especially if you’re short. He gives her a red broach that has nothing to do with anything.
In the living room, Danny has all these candles set up. Hey, what’s going on here? Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. Danny gives Luz a massage. I think he’s doing this on purpose. There’s no need to make me jealous, Danny. I’m all yours! Just give me a call and I’m there! Even better, I’LL give YOU the massage. How ‘bout that?
He blah blah blahs about blood flow, immune system, stress, water, feet. Luz says she has the hottest masseuse in L. A. Grrr. Danny gives her a face revitalizer and a face mask.
The GP and Luz head over to the office. It’s orange themed. The walls are orange and peach. Luz is working in a popsicle. The couch is orange. There’s a clear fold-out divider screen with a black frame that’s really cool. And she has red leather desk chairs. Oh, yeah! Pimpin’ the office. Did I just use the word “pimpin?” Oh, God, what’s wrong with me?
Damon gropes a touch lamp.
Danny wants to role play. OKAY! Oh, they mean practice lawyer stuff. Honey gives them a scenario. Danny goes out to be an attourney. And, well, that’s not Danny. Gloria Allred comes walking in. Danny’s like gotcha. Allred gives her some advice about stress and balance. “You’ve gotta say no.” Sometimes. Then she says, “Those who fail to plan, plan to fail.” Ugh, I hate that adage.
The GP give Luz a briefcase. What? No book? They recap what she needs to do for the evening. The GP leave, calling out, “Those who fail to plan, plan to fail!” That makes no sense because if you’re not planning anything, then you can’t plan failure. That happens naturally, which I think is the point of the saying, but then just say it.
Hip Tip: Honey says to rinse your razor in ice cold water for a close shave. That so gives me goosebumps, ergo, a worse shave. Is that just me?
Luz’s mother interviews that Luz doesn’t make a lot of money.
Gayvid interviews that Luz could be mayor.
The GP gather round the Critic Couch which is in an all white room. Danny says he loves the esquire house. Now rooms have names? The guys are in snazzy suits and Honey is in a sequined black top. Did I miss a memo?
Luz gets ready for the big night. She puts a call in to the gourmet market and orders wine and cheese. Why couldn’t she have ordered it before? Danny says canapé a few more times and gets nervous because she’s ordering things she can’t pronounce. Luz smirks when she orders it so she’s kind of nervous too. I mean, who wants to sound like an ass on the phone to some wine connoisseur?
Then she wants to add a personal touch to the food so she makes Mexican cookies. The dough seems frozen and she has a hard time rolling it out. Robbie says, “If the cookies don’t work out she can always shingle the roof with it.” Finally, it softens and she makes lots of little squares. Then her oven starts dinging and she can’t figure out why. Honey calls out, “It’s just the oven telling you it’s ready!” Then the GP make a bunch of sexual innuendoes so rapidly that I can’t catch any one of them clearly.
Luz washes her face with some product and Honey says, “She’s scrubbing too hard. See? This shows she needs to take more time to herself.” She better. She’s going to lose an eye that way. She puts on a mask that Danny says will make her radiant.
She wears the gray tweed dress and toe cleavage shoes that Robbie laid out for her. She opts to not go with the jacket and Robbie is quite upset about it.
Then she puts on make-up, putting on mascara before curling her lashes. Honey is perplexed. Robbie says, “You know what she’s done? She’s come up with her own way to do it.” Honey’s still perplexed because she’s The Lady and knows best and how dare Luz come up with her own way. Or Luz just got mixed up.
Almost-gay-David arrives as Luz’s cookies, or as Honey calls them her homemade poptarts, finish baking. He can’t get over how lovely she looks. Aww, Gayvid is so sweet.
Gayvid and Luz head over to her new office. Gayvid loves that, too. Robbie says it looks like she’s moved to Beverly Hills. Damon calls it, “Gay trickery. Gay voodoo.” Luz sets up the food. Danny panics: “I see only one carton of bread.” But panic subsides as crackers and cheese find their way to the table. Luz asks the food delivery people if they have a tablecloth. As they check, she tells her friend that they can run out to the dollar store to get one. Damon has a coronary!
Danny says canapé one more time.
The folks arrive! Luz’s mom starts crying and Luz’s dad calls her beautiful. Luz’s mom is the cutest little woman! Next to my own mom, of course.
FYI: Heather B. from the first season of The Real World is in the AOL commercial about virus protection. Some reality tv trivia smack dab in the middle of a Queer Eye recap. You weren’t expecting that, now were you?
On the Critic Couch, the GP repeat stuff they’ve said in the SUV for no reason at all. More people arrive, including her co-worker who’s a ringer for George Lopez. He tells her, “The girls look good.” Did he just make a boob comment to a co-worker? George loves the red leather desk chairs. He must be a pimp.
Luz stands with a hand on her hip. The Gal Pals clap for her assertiveness.
Michael from New York has arrived. He’s an old lawyer friend. He speaks to her mother in Spanish. I think he’d look much better without the mustache. The GP think he’s cute. George Lopez accosts Luz and tells her that Michael is “dapper.” The GP like his tie. Robbie calls him, “Very Blair Underwood.” Luz tells George that toe cleavage is in.
More people come in. They’re from the community. Perspective clients.
Michael toasts to Luz. She winks. Michael pulls her aside. He then tells Luz she has passion and gold flecks in her eyes. Luz blushes. He might be moving to L. A. She grins. I still think he’d be better with no mustache. Robbie sighs, “You had me at hello.” Ha!
Cut to the door and three older black women entering. Damon calls out, “Here come the Pointer Sisters!” Ha! Now that’s comedy. The women are actually from the Chamber of Commerce and they’re there to welcome Luz to the neighborhood in her new expanded office. Heehee. I found the Pointer Sisters thing even funnier after finding that out, and so should you.
Luz speeches. She’s excited to be in the community. The Chamber of Commerce Pointer Sisters speech. Everyone claps. Then they do the Lucas clap and yell “yes we can” in Spanish. That was the slogan of the college I teach at until three other colleges used it in the same month!
The Gal Pals toast to Luz.
This week’s tips:
Robbie says to shop for shoes after a long day’s work because then your feet are sweaty and smelly and the salespeople will love you for it.
Damon says to stop cluttering up little shelves so they look less cluttered.
Honey says to use a cold razor because she still doesn’t get goosebumps from it.
Danny says to serve one-handed snacks at a party so your other hand is free to do whatever it wants. Like reach out and grab someone.
Luz is now a lady like lawyer who can show some cleavage in the courtroom without the judge holding her in contempt. Ah, the wonders of the toe.
Email me: Christina@realityshack.com How do you shave with goosebumps?