All The World's A Party (With Strippers): Rock of Love 2, Episode 8
Have you heard a tree laugh? The ocean fart? The wind do its Billy Idol impression?
Dear Bret,
You are a cruel, cruel human being. I had my hopes up last week that you’d listened to me at last and told VH1 that you could no longer be part of their scheme to make me lose all fantasy love and lust for you. Now, you’re back. For shame, Bret Michaels, for shame!
This week’s task is pretty cool. Last season, the girls made an album cover so it’s only natural that they should make a video. Why would everyone be familiar with your song, Come This Far? Is that what it’s called? See? I don’t even know what you just said.
I’m sure you’re happy that Blow Up Daisy, Destiney the Whiner, and Jessica Not-Who got the rockin song because there’s sure to be some sort of stripper theme tied into it. Actually, even if they got the ballad, they’d probably find a way to insert some stripper action.
Ambre’s idea is actually really good. That makes me think that there’s no way you’re going to choose her team as the winner. Kristy Whatserface’s crying plus Erin’s bad acting makes one heck of a video.
How many times can you say awesome in one breath? Seriously.
Ooh, sigh. Big John seems to have loved the Fallen video. Actually, Dean Karr Super Duper Video Director (the guy you seem to have a non-sexual man-crush on), who didn’t help the Fallen team at all, seems to dig it, too. Big John’s face spells out shock. You guys totally underestimate these girls sometimes. The other team’s video makes no sense—I get that it’s a school girl turned stripper, but it’s cut all choppy. Dean Karr better not put that video on his list of credits. But now I know why we’re supposed to know that song—the theme song to the show is actually one of your songs from your album? Really? I shudder. Ambre’s right on when she says the boobies will win.
{Gasp}. You never cease to amaze me. You chose Ambre’s team! Bravo, Bret, for pulling your head out of your ass for once. FYI: Kristy Joe is not the only crazy one. As soon as you leave, Destiney goes apeshit at losing and thinks it’s all Kristy Joe’s fault. You might want to tell her that it was her poor videography skills that made her lose. Now she’s losing her mind. Which isn’t even fun to watch because she’s really annoying and repetitive. At least come up with something new to say about Kristy Joe.
Your date with Ambre, that you promised would be awesome, is really kinda lame. She got all dressed up to sit on the floor in your bedroom. You couldn’t take her to maybe a hooka bar or something? Of course, she loves it. She’s so friggin down to earth. Nothing says romance like inviting a tiny Indian man to come along on your date to cleanse your chakras. You are so lucky that Ambre is easy-going. I do enjoy that you sent the Indian man up to clean out Kristy Joe, though. His whole the world is a party so come join it? That’s comedy.
Here’s the thing. Ambre wins the one on one and gets to go to your bedroom. Kristy Joe and Erin have to share the date and you take them out to a rooftop bar. How is that fair? Do you really want a girl who likes the fact that you admit to staring at her tits instead of her face? Do you really want a girl who said she wasn’t married anymore and then just admitted to you before the date that she finally called off her marriage? Neither of them seems like suitable for a relationship material. In fact, no one does. No one fits perfectly as your rock. Stop the show! Stop it now before my image of you is, well, nevermind—it’s too late for that.
Man, I love elimination ceremonies. I get that you pick Ambre first. I don’t get why you pick Destiney at all. I can’t believe that you think you have feelings for Kristy Joe. That little something you think you have for her is VH1’s need for ratings, ergo, the need to keep the crazies on the show as long as possible.
This is so friggin dumb. Your walking Kristy Joe out the door after she tells you she needs to leave is dumb. Your long embrace goodbye is dumb. Her teary eyed, “I have to go” is dumb. And, omigod, your ruefully dropping her backstage pass to the floor as you come back in? Not only is it dumb, it’s also too way over the top tenth grade girl drama queen. Plus, now you’re treating Meg like crap. The whole “I’d love for you to stay” thing is so rude. AND her accepting it and staying when you were going to kick her out proves just how lacking she is in the brains department.
Finally, your “I have to be alone” walk out with Big John in tow makes you more of a drama queen than I ever could imagine. So not awesome at all.
Christina
* Got a PS for Bret? Email me or chat in the forums.
Had enough of Bret? (I don’t blame you). Live the dream with me or get more Gossip Girl to take your mind off things for a while.
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