Greased Up Pigs, Literally: Rock of Love 2, Episode 6
Sniper John, Marry Me
B—
Last week’s stunt has left me more distraught than any other episode. You’re a masochist. You like to prolong my suffering. Your claim that you were going against the rules seemed very rebel-without-a-clue, er, cause, but really, it cried out “I’m not supposed to be doing this except for the fact that VH1 told me to because my ratings have dropped severely after Flavor of Love premiered and how am I supposed to compete with a guy who wears Viking horns?” I don’t know, Bret. Seriously, I mean, how CAN you compete with Tastes Like Crazy? You can’t. Stop the show immediately.
Sigh, Big John. Swoooooon. Tell him I’ll saddle up anytime with him.
I do appreciate the effort to make me enjoy the show more. The arrival of Rodeo makes me happy. I still disagree with her move to throw herself at you during last season’s reunion show, but I do like her. Hopefully, she’s shaken off the crazies and is more down to earth. But with that wicked laugh, I’m not so sure. Ooh, I really like her as a blonde. The most similar girl to Rodeo this season is Peyton, and Peyton has no crazy-eyed laugh and is more down to earth. Choose her! Choose her!
Let me clue you into something—Megan interviews about how the other girls don’t understand what it’s like to go through life being hot. Yeah. Umm, she obviously didn’t learn anything from being on Beauty and the Geek. Also, is Catherine old enough to be the mother of some of the other girls? Simply wondering.
The rodeo relay is fun until you get your stupid ass up onto the bale of hay and cackle at the girls who are diving in the mud to catch the greasy pigs to win your heart. Is that a turn on? Pigs? You’re a sick man, Mr. Michaels. I can also do without the cowboy-related cliches. Riding off into the sunset. Bleck.
You know what? I’ve changed my mind. Leave Peyton alone and choose Blow-Up Daisy. You don’t notice any of the other girls when she’s around. Whosiewhatsie is trying to hand you the bandana she just got off of the pig and you don’t even notice. She’s slapping the muddy bandana into your hand and you’ve got your eyes glued to the human blow up doll who says that the pigs must have gone to college because they’re smart enough to run away. Yeahh. See what you miss when you’re in the mix of things?
Heh heh. Jessica (who?) says you can’t lose all the time, can you? And Catherine is crying, “I’ve lost four times.” Heeheeeeeee. Man, she’s gonna lose it like Kristy Jo did. Wah! Horses! Competition! Wah! She can’t even smoke a cigarette. Wah! Nice.
A pitch black restaurant? So you can’t see their bumps and bruises. I wish I had known about this place a long time ago. That would’ve saved a lot of date-trauma for me. Did the host say the server is blind? Oh, God, ew. I knew this was gonna happen. The other girls are talking to you while Kristy Joe is mackin it with you. How can they not know what’s going on? What if another one of them goes in for it? Although you can’t see it, I can. No, no, no. Man, I’m starting to find this amusing. I’m not encouraging this behavior at all, but watching on the night-vision cam is fun.
Your bedroom is called The Rock Suite? Creative.
This is getting a little old. The girls are jealous because you’re spending time with Kristy Joe. Kristy Joe thinks they all hate her. You can’t figure her out. She’s married. You want to nail her but your brain says no no no. That’s a good way to fuck with a girl’s emotions. Blah blah bleck. Oh, and her lunacy turns you on. Thhwwwwppppptttt. 
Catherine’s desperate attempt to catch your attention with breakfast is well-intentioned but kinda dumb. Nice—Meg calls her an old horse that you have to shoot. You need to get rid of both of them now. I do like Catherine’s style. Bring a date instead of win a date. Heeheee. Nice sunglasses in the morning. Oh. Really? You sleep with your bandana on? You must have separation anxiety. You should talk to someone about that.
Paintball as a date. Okay, I can go with that. Shit. You had to bring out the hi-yo. At least now it’s down to one per episode. Oooh, AND I get to see Big John the War Time Sniper. This date really is awesome, Bret. That’s an observation, not encouragement. My one lament about your one on one with Jessica is that I can no longer call her Jessica (who?).
Yeay! You said the magic words! Send two girls home! That means it’s...
Elimination Ceremony Time!!!
Holy bright blue bandana, Bret! You’re still keeping Kristy Joe? You’re not gonna choose her in the end. Why screw with her when you know she’s emotionally unstable?
Why do I feel another rebellion coming on? You’ve got Inna/Tuna, Peyton, and Bird’s Nest Catherine left and only one pass. I can’t see you getting rid of Peyton or Inna. Which means you would get rid of only one. Which means you would be prolonging the season. A better twist would be to get rid of all three, not because I don’t like Peyton, but because it would make the season go quicker.
So you keep the Ukrainian Love Tank Inna/Tuna.
Poor Peyton. You suck, Bret. You suck so bad. It IS such a cop out. She’s perfect for you. Sucky sucky suck suck. Poor Catherine although this elimination makes sense. Not surprising that you’re getting rid of the older gals. Disappointing, but not surprising at all.
Sigh. This is so exhausting.
Christina
**Have a P. S. for Bret? Email me or chat in the forums .
If you’ve had enough of Bret Michaels, live the dream with me or get more Gossip Girl.
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