Dirty, Dirty Girls: Rock of Love 2, Episode 5
You're A Mean One, Mr. Michaels
Dear Bret Michaels:
I am cordially imploring you to stop it stop it stop it now. It’s not too late. You can still redeem your rockin self.
I see my pleas fall on deaf ears. I see you’re still on my television screen. I see all the reasons that you should stop the show immediately. Here they are for you to see since you can’t see them as I see them.
While last week’s elimination was amazing with Bandana leaving for the love of Whatshername even though the last pass was for Whatshername anyway, I’m still not happy that Whatshername is there because I’m not happy that so many of them are there. That means a long season. However, I don’t mind Big John. Change the focus of your show! You and Big John hanging out in the house! That I’d watch without much heartache. Ooh, and Big John without head gear? Yummy with a spoon.
The Second Annual Mud Bowl still does not fool me. I am fully aware, as is everyone else, that you care nothing about athletics. This mud bowl is all about getting the girls dirty in their close-to-undies. Oh, did you just call yourself a god? Seriously? Don’t let all this fame go to your head at this stage in your career. Until now, you’ve been down to earth. One season of a reality show and you think you’re divine. No, sorry, you’re not. No no no no no. If you were a god, you’d probably be able to have enough power to have a rock of love already.
Okay, yes, it’s funny that Meghan has no chance at a date. I guess it’s good that Jessica (who?) got picked. Now I can stop wondering who the hell she is.
This game is a little pathetic. Your new nickname for Inna/Tuna—Ukranian Love Bus—is not any better than Ukranian Love Tank, no matter how bad she is at playing football. I would have thrown the ball to someone else too. Ambre is pretty much the only girl there who has skills in mud and balls. I’m wondering, however, how you remain mudless while the girls are covered in goo. Someone should sack you. Hard.
The more I watch Daisy, the more she looks like a blow up doll. But in a good way. Know what I mean? Her football skills are pretty good, too. That doesn’t mean I’m condoning your behavior with her. I’m just saying she’s a good competitor.
Hey, Ed McMahon. We got through almost half the show without a hi-yo. Why’d you have to go ruin it?
Finally, the longest game ever is over. Obviously, you choose Daisy at the MVP. She could have stood on the sidelines and that would’ve happened. Ew. It’s so seedy when you call her “beautiful girl” because, well, it’s like your her dad then. Not in a “who’s your daddy?” kind of way but in a “I fathered you” kind of way. It gets extra skeevy when you choose skimpy outfits for her to wear. And worse when you say hi-yo because then you sound like Ed McMahon and you could be her grandfather. Crap. Despite your lecherousness, your description of her outfit as “hah? followed by a hu-uh? and a hat” is Hil. Air. Eee. Us.
By the way, the girls back at the house are bitchin about not being able to spend time with you. One of them is Bird’s Nest Hair Catherine. I wouldn’t worry about that too much. But Peyton is the other one. You need to spend more time with her because she’s perfect for you. End your date with Blow Up Daisy to avoid all the questions she’s drilling you with and go back to the house and get with Peyton already. You’re letting your penis think for you as always.
Are you aware that Megan refers to you as her boyfriend? That’s a little bit creepy. She also calls a note, a piece of paper, “gross.” She has some sort of valley girl issue. While I don’t condone violence, I’m hoping that Peyton kicks her ass for removing Peyton’s note from the door. Oh, and by the way, as my friend and fellow Poison fan Fred reminded me, Megan might have been on Beauty and the Geek. Yeah, so maybe you should check that before you declare her any sort of rock.
Your pinkie swear with Bird’s Nest Hair Catherine is kinda cute. Blow Up Daisy is right on when she says Catherine is reminiscent of Peggy Bundy. Though she did not use the word “reminiscent.” Ick. Throw Up Bucket, where are you? The kiss with Bird’s Nest is uncomfortable and weird.
Oh, ew. I have no idea why these girls destroyed themselves for you. Ambre’s legs are all kinds of fucked up from the mud bowl. Nice job, Bret. Destroy the cool women in the house.
Bret Bon Dage Girls Double Oh Rock. I have no idea what that means. I’m guessing it has something to do with James Bond and 007 but the girls in racing outfits has nothing to do with anything. I’m quickly getting over my love for you this episode. I think this one finally seals the deal.
I don’t get why you talk about the other girls with the girls you’re on a date with. That’s so weird. You’re turning into such a girl. Are Catherine and Jessica (who?) really worth talking about? At least now you’re talking TO Kristy Joe instead of talking behind her back and calling her Whatsherface. Even though that was pretty funny.
Nice. Real nice. You’re making Peyton cry. Unfortunately, you have to let her go this episode. I know I’ve been pushing you to be with her because I obviously know what’s best for you, but you are an evil person. You let your lust for blow up dolls overshadow the others who have potential to actually be your “rock.” Peyton’s too good to be a rock—instead, she does rock. She’s more rockin than you’ll ever be. Send her home and let her be so you don’t have to recite the 10th Grade I Like You But I Don’t Like Like You Speech. For shame, Bret Michaels, for shame. You are NOT looking for love. You are looking for long hair, big lips, long legs, smooth skin, a crafty tongue, and a love box. That’s all you want. It’s so pathetic. I’m so done with fawning over you.
While you’re at it, get rid of Catherine because it’s obvious she’s not for you. Jessica (who?) too because who the heck is she? Get rid of them all right now. End the show. I doubt you’ll be able to redeem yourself after this, but the sooner you end the show, the more likely you’ll be able to find some sort of redemption.
Jeez, really, are you at all into Meghan in that stupid gold bikini top? Everyone else is wearing clothing. She looks ridiculous. You probably think it’s awesome. You liked her heart note? I bet you wouldn’t like her if you heard her call you her boyfriend.
Seriously? Jessica (who?)??? You want her to continue to rock your world? How in the hell is she rocking your world? You don’t even talk to her!! Catherine too? Ugh. You baffle me.
You are such a schmuck to bring it down to Blow Up Daisy and Rockin Peyton. As much as Daisy is wrong for you, you shouldn’t fall all over her and shower her with attention only to keep her hanging on and stressing over elimination like this. You already know my feelings about Peyton. You are an evil, evil man. Eliminating Daisy like this is so incredibly awful. Keeping Peyton like this is so incredibly awful.
Oh, what? What? Huh? Saving the best for last? Keeping all of them? Making the season longer? To steal your words, Whatsagoinon??????
Well, kudos to you for screwing VH1 like that. Next week’s double elimination should be entertaining. Still, none of this redeems you. You suck, Bret Michaels.
Sincerely,
Christina
** Got a P. S. for Bret? Email me or chat in the forums.
If you’re sick of Bret Michaels, live the dream with me or get more Gossip Girl.
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