Definitely Tastes Like Crazy: Flavor of Love 3, Episode 1
101 Ways To Mispell Easy Words
All hail the broke-down tambourine man! Yes, folks, Flavor Flav is back for a third season, which means his first two flavors went bland. Flav pulls up to the Nut House in a big black limo, driven by none other than the fantastic, wonderful, uber-sexy Big Rick. Flav steps out in a tux. Hey, that’s kinda nice. A glittery red, white, and blue clock. Very sophisticated as far as clocks go. Of course, he ruins it by wearing white sunglasses with horns up at the corners. I guess you can take the man out of the Viking hat, but not the horns off the sunglasses. I’m aware that made no sense. Which makes sense in this arena, KWIM?
The gaggle of women, aka nutjobs, cheer and hoot and holler and Flav hoots back. Then we get to flash back to his history one more time. Even he’s sick of telling us about all the other shows he’s been on. He says “for just in case you don’t remember” which is incorrect grammar which is typical. He explains that Delishis didn’t work because she left him to sell blue jeans. Heehee. Nice. He makes an analogy—love is like a baseball game and he’s struck out three times so he has one more chance. Maybe he should revisit the basic rules of baseball. I’m not a huge fan of the sport, but I’m pretty sure he’s wrong on that account.
Then he stands behind a podium, very politician-like, and tells them that this time, it’s for real so he needs to find love or die trying. They all cheer for his likely death. Or maybe they’re cheering for the love part. Then he says something about the house which makes them going charging in. It looks as if he had something left to say but they ignored him.
Inside they run into each other. There’s a girl down in a doorway. They fling themselves on beds. Some are carrying flags. No way! There’s a baby elephant in the hallway! Granted, it’s a fake elephant, but still. One of them is riding the elephant already. This is sure to be the best season ever.
Big Rick gets everyone to shut up and follow him into the foyer (which he says “foyr-yeah” which is how it’s supposed to be pronounced—yeay!) and he lines them up for the naming ceremony. Flav comes down the stairs in a button down shirt reminiscent of Bill Cosby’s sweaters. He should stay in the tux all the time. He tells them that because he wants to empower them, he will let them choose their own nicknames. He obviously got that idea from I Love Nuts (I Love New York).
The first girl calls herself Sinceer because she’s sincere about being there. The next one wiggles her butt at him and calls herself Bunz. The third is a white girl with blonde hair wearing a hoodie. She says he can call her Vanilla. He calls her Ice. So much for empowerment. Basically, they can choose their own names as long as he approves of them.
The next girl wants to be called Bad Girl so he calls her Bee Exx and I don’t know why. The next girl says something about Autumn and Spring so he calls her Seasonz. The next girl wants to be called Loco so he calls her El which is a masculine pronoun as well as the word for boy in Spanish. I suppose in this case, it would mean booooyyeeeeeeeeee.
The nice little black thing with a blonde weave (his words, soooo not mine) wants to call herself Vixen. Cut to Viking Flav calling out reindeer names. He calls her Prancer.
Then we come to maybe the most overtly crazy of the bunch. A tall woman, ultra pear shaped, who interviews that she is his wife. At first, I thought that maybe it’s one of his baby-mamas or something. But no. She’s not really related to him in any way. Silly, silly me. That proves how long it’s been since Tastes Like Crazy has aired. FF is slightly terrified. She says her name is Tick Tock so he calls her Tik.
And now we have our New York of the season. The woman with flippy hair sashays back and forth to show how her hair and dress move in the breeze. She wants to be called The Windy City. Flav calls her Shy because she’s not. Obviously. She interviews something about tunnels and holding on and riding. So the second overtly crazy one in the house.
TWINS!!!!! A pair of em shock the heck out of Flav. They say that he needs sugar and spice. He replies that he loves Dr. Suess and calls them Thing 1 and Thing 2. I shit you not. They interview that they’re happy with the names because they’re memorable. Way to spin the shit out of that, ladies.
The next girl who comes up says he can call her cutie so he lets her have that but spells it Q-Tee because why must we spell simple words in a simple fashion. Next is St. Lewis (come on! seriously? Louis. It’s not difficult). Followed by Hotlanta. Then comes some girl who awkwardly raps about her breasts and fried chicken so he calls her Grayvee and she’s somehow happy about that.
Next up is a girl named Reina or something close to that so she wants the name Rain. However, Flav’s already had a girl named Rain and she was a complete psychopath. Cut to black and white footage of Rain the Psychopath. The girl complains because it truly is her name so he calls her Reyna. She’s an internet winner—someone people chose to be in the house for him over the internet.
The next is another internet winner. She calls herself the perfect ten. Her name is Dimez.
The next internet winner comes up to him with no name in mind. FF interviews that she has the world’s largest underbite. I would have to sort of agree with Flav on that one. She also has paws tattooed to her chest which I think indicates stripper. He asks her, “what does the beach wash up against?” and she’s clueless so he asks again. She touches her chest, again clueless. Man, this may be my favorite girl yet. He says it one more time before giving up and shoving her nametag at her—Shore-tee because she’s short.
Another internet winner comes up—she’s a white girl from the Valley who might shop at Lane Bryant. She says she’s peachy, totally. So he calls her Peechee. The next internet girl comes up and FF is not impressed. Cut to Viking Flav lamenting—I thought my fans loved me. HIL. AIR. EEE. US. He asks her where she’s from and gives her the name Savana.
The last but not least is a girl who lists a bunch of cities and finally says there isn’t anything like Miami but forbid it if we spell it correctly: Myammee. Jeez.
Mixer time! Windy City Shy pulls him aside first and uses the words true and heart a whole lot. Then Ice pulls him aside. Flav says she has the Guida syndrome (like Bridget Nielson). She tells him that she doesn’t know why she’s there and she’s trying to get to the next level on her radio show. He doesn’t know why she’s there and she says if he likes her, he likes her. Right.
Dimez gets one on one time and she compliments him a lot. She then says she’s majoring in Criminal Justice. Flashback to Flav’s arrest for parole violations. Hmm, that may not be a good match right there.
Thing 1 and Thing 2 wonder who wouldn’t love them? I think it’s a rhetorical question so I’ll refrain from answering right now. Flav thinks being with them is like living in stereo.
Hotlanta and El share one on one time. Flav seems more interested in Hotlanta but El keeps interrupting. Hotlanta is trying to tell him about her three kids that would complete his group to make ten of em and she gets pissed at El for not staying quiet. FF likes that she’s a good woman who can cook and hold down a household.
Then Bunz sucks on his lemon for a while. She interviews that she owns a lot of porn. Well, everyone needs a hobby. Tik is sharing this time and is screeching and leaning in and scaring Flav.
Meanwhile, Windy City Shy is telling a group of girls that she sees at least five girls who shouldn’t be there. Then inside, she grills some of them about whether or not they’re ready to raise ten kids. She shows them her biceps as if that has something to do with the birthing process.
Bee-Exx and Reyna talk to Flav about where they’re from. She’s from the Bronx. Ohhh, that’s how she got the name. They didn’t say that before. Then in the middle of conversation, Reyna grabs his head and commits the cardinal sin. She touches his face. Dun dun DUNNNNNNNN. We all should know from Somthin’s mishap that touching Flav’s face is a big no no no no no. To make up for it, Reyna talks about how she’s followed him since Public Enemy and the time on the clock. Flav asks her what the clock represents. She says that it represents that it was time for black people to look at themselves and tell the white people about it. He says that he can appreciate it but it’s not what the clock is all about. He says that time is the most important element of life and we can’t afford to waste time. Thanks, Flav, now I feel real good about my obsession with your show.
Inside, Grayvee and Sinceer fawn over Flav. Grayvee talks about her cooking skills. Sinceer bickers about fried chicken and how he doesn’t need it. Flav is upset because he loves chicken. They fight over how they know how to treat a man. Then Savana and Peechee try to grab him away. Flav is scared because those girls are a little heftier than the others. He agrees to one on one time with Peechee and Savana and he feels like a wedgie. It’s very uncomfortable. Peechee has wanted to meet him for so long and Savana wants to hold him down and make him better.
Prancer walks in and grabs him away and the relief is written all over him. He tells her he wants companionship—a friend he can get tight with. He wants to get married one day but not now. Q-Tee comes in and puts his head on her boob and he has to ask them not to touch his face. Again! Seasonz tells Flav that he should go with her if he wants a lady that has a good head on her shoulders. Oh, I’m sorry. It’s Seesinz. Her motivation is some dude who’s locked up.
They all gather in the living room and Flav says that elimination will be hard for him. Then for a third time, someone touches his face. What’s wrong with them? It should be automatic elimination for anyone who puts her hands on his face.
When Flav is in his room, Windy City Shy shows up to tell him that Bee Exx should not be there because she doesn’t know why she’s there and Bee Exx wasn’t in her Kool Aid. At least, that’s what I think she said. The she interviews about pie. Flav has a feeling Shy is there to pick a fight instead of being there for Flav.
Flav finds Bee Exx and says girls are already talking. He asks if she wants kids and she says she already has two of them. Flav interviews that he doesn’t need more drama—obligatory flashback to New York having a fit.
Elimination Ceremony Time!!!!
Flav shows up wearing his crown and a furry cape over red satin jammies. He tells them that he connected with some of them but not all so some have to leave.
The first clock goes to Grayvee. The second goes to Reyna even though she touched his face and didn’t know about the clock thing. Next is Bunz followed by Myammee and Prancer. Next up is St. Lewis. Then Hotlanta who knows the next clock is hers. She totally guessed it! Or VH1 told her. Whichever.
Ice is next even though she might not be there for him. He tells Big Rick to hold on before giving her the clock. Flav says he appreciates her realness and wants to climb her.
The next girl is Tik even though she scares the crap out of him. Then Sinceer, El, Seesinz, Bee Exx, Shy which is not surprising at all, and finally Thing 2. Oooh, splittin up the twins! Oh, spoke too soon. He calls over Thing 1 because he feels bad. He gives them one clock with a huge rope to put around both of them.
Peechee (Crista), Dimez, Savana (Savanna), Q-Tee (Erika) , and Shore-Tee (Angela) are all eliminated. Four of them were from the internet. Moral of the story—don’t let your fans choose your lovers. Viking Flav once again complains about the internet users.
And then, one time FLAVOR FLAV!!!!!!!!!
I have a feeling that this season is going to be the best season ever. I mean, if the elephant didn’t do it, then, well, maybe the face touching did.
Phew, that was a whirlwind of craziness. Did I miss anything? Chime on in. Email me or chat in the forums.
You can also live the dream or get more Gossip Girl if you want a break from this reality tv stuff.
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