Celebrity Rehab, Episode 1 – Intake Begins

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	Published: 01-21-2008
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Celebrity Rehab, Episode 1 – Intake Begins

Welcome to Celebrity Rehab, the brainchild of Loveliner Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew is going to try to piece back together the drug and alcohol shattered lives of some of our favorite has beens, never weres, and might’ve beens.

Open to a montage of bad celebrity mug shots and their most popular drug and alcohol addled moments. Dr. Drew tells us that celebrity addition is the hottest thing in America. Umm I’m going to go for the world judging from British tabloid coverage of Amy Winehouse, Boy George, and George Michaels. Dr. Drew further endears his audience by saying we love to see people hit rock bottom and want to know why. Me? I just want a giggle. He then tells us we’re going to understand addiction like never before and gives us his credentials (Loveline, Medical School, Board Certification in Addictionology), and says we are going to see the celebs in an isolated environment (isolated with VH1 cameras in the house). Drew is hopeful that he’s going to both change and save lives. And we’re off!

First to arrive is Jeff Conway of Grease and Taxi fame with an empty champagne glass in hand; now that’s the way to travel in style! Oh how far Kinickie has fallen. I want to cry because I loved him way more than Danny Zuco… there, tears shed, all done! He says he’s reporting for duty and that’s the last intelligible thing he says maybe for the season. Come to find out in a piece of movie trivia that will never make it to Jeopardy that during the filming of the Greased Lightning dance scene in Grease they dropped him on his back and hurt his vertebrae. He then rattles off his fun pills (vicodin, norco, oxycontin, xanax, Zoloft, ambien cr). His inner junkie told him not to refuse the scripts from the doctors and to say yes to drugs. We then flash to a table with white powder which he immediately explains is Pabulum he has to snort to go “poopie” because of the pills. But then he starts to talk about his cocaine addiction and now I’m just confused and befuddled, which is what it is like to wake up as Jeff Conway every morning. He describes his girlfriend Vickie as amazing and I can see why as she counts off his pain pills every 6 hours or so. He hopes Rehab is successful.

At the Pasadena Recovery Center, Dr. Drew asks Kinickie what he did the night before and he answers unintelligibly again even for the captioners. Dr. Drew gives the history of his relationship with Jeff and blames his girlfriend for his drug use since she regularly slips him drugs in rehab. He tells OxyContin Vickie that everyday visits are not allowed and she immediately looks like she just lost her best friend. Dr. Drew tells her she needs to work on her own recovery and she promptly ignores him. She then tells on Dr. Drew to Kinickie and he gets distressed at the prospect of not seeing OxyContin Vickie each day.

Next up is Chyna Doll. Through a series of still pictures we see her descent from Wrestling Star to D Movie Co Star with Anna Nicole Smith. She talks about her drug use in wrestling and her drunken adventures during The Surreal Life flash on the screen. But despite the evidence before her Chyna does not feel as though she has a problem or that she needs rehab.. hmm. Dr. Drew asks her about her drinking and she says she mostly binges but she doesn’t think her binges are issues. She doesn’t use painkillers but does use sleep aids daily but doesn’t feel she abuses them. Dr. Drew asks her why she's here and she becomes as confused as Kinickie and says “I don’t know.” Dr. Drew looks pensive and frustrated and now I have a headache and am going to look for the leftover Norco from my ankle surgery.

Meanwhile Jeff is stooped over drooling and sleeping in his wheelchair

Next up is Seth Binzer or “Shifty” from Crazytown. Wow! Is he hot or what? Now I know how I got hooked on that silly come come my lady song when they flash the video on screen …look at those muscles. Oh geez he’s a crackhead! Quick! Show the video of him looking hot again. Oh no it’s a home video where he’s showing off his crackpipe. He’s still kind of hot and I have to keep reminding myself that he’s a crackhead albeit a clean cute one but a crackhead nonetheless. He raps/spoken words a Mother Goose rhyme about cocaine and he tells the cameras not to follow him because he’s trying to score and drug dealers don’t like cameras. Seth arrives to rehab with his belongings in a plastic bag and I wonder if he sold his luggage for crack. Resident Tech/Brave Woman Shelley learns he’s packed some Red Stripe for fortification when she informs him that she needs to go through his bags. At his intake interview, he tells Dr. Drew that he misses coke the most when he’s sober and calls cocaine the curse. He says that everywhere he goes people hand him cocaine. Dr. Drew tells him he sees a monkey on his shoulder… tee hee.

Mary Carey arrives in a taxi because SHE’S BLASTED!!!!! She reminds us she’s an adult film star and a former almost governor of California during the recall - a dark time for my dear state - and also tells us of her future plans to run for President. I’m sure that’s why Hillary is kicking down the door of the Presidency so she can pave the way for President Mary Carey, but who am I to take away a dream. We learn that Governor Carey attended an exclusive Prep School and FSU but decided to get into Porn because she thought it would be fun to be on camera. VH1 then obliges us with a home video of Mary’s drunken escapades and what is sure to be her opposition’s campaign against her future run for the Presidency while Mary tells us that she doesn’t know how to stop drinking. She tells us her mother jumped off of her four story apartment building and she promised God that if He saved her she would quit porn and “be good”. She feels Dr. Drew helping her would be amazing. At intake she asks if her friend Chyna is there and Resident Tech Shelley leads her to Chyna so she can have some company while they go through her bag

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