Punch Drunk Nutty Love!: I Love NY2 Reunion
All Kinds Of Crazy Welcome
Happy Nutty New Year, everyone! The nuts runneth over one last time on VH1’s second season of I Love Nuts, er, New York. Reunion shows are always so touching. A great time to catch up and reminisce and get in those final punches and insults that didn’t make it to air the first time around.
Lalalalalalalala is yet again our host who recaps all the seasons of Tastes Like Crazy and then the last season of I Love Nuts and keeps calling NY Tiffany. She introduces the men (aka nutloafs) of I Love NY 2: Entertainer, Buddha, Wolf, Cheezy, CousinItt, 20 Pack, Knock Out, ManMan, Midget Mac, Doc (who?), Champion, Yours, Punk, Pretty, Millian, Ears, Sweetie Pie, and Mr. Wise. They all look pretty normal, or as normal as expected. Then NY ocomes out and omigod her boobs are even bigger than they were on the show. I love her dress though—it’s very sparkly black a la Laura Branagan in that Gloria video (or how I remember the video) and she’s rockin some fab hooker boots. Lalalalalala tells her that the ratings have been great and asks if NY is surprised by how America follows her quest for love. NY isn’t surprised. That’s not surprising.
We now take a look at Cousin Itt’s distinctive style. He drinks mustard from the bottle and hits on a couch cushion. NY interviews that he’s a mental patient. Cousin Itt speaks unintelligibly and ManMan interviews that there’s something wrong with him. Then the Roses Debacle comes up again and we need to watch all the footage all over again. Cousin Itt keeps making that stupid face where his mouth juts out to the side and he squints. Then the Larry Fishburne thing comes up. We all remember this, right? The audience is loving this footage; everyone is laughing. Ugh, do we need to see the mucus tongue kiss again?
Cousin Itt comes up to the stage and wants a hug from NY. He tries to kiss her again and she’s all WAIT! He lets her go and opens a huge black sack to reveal a cinder block and some bricks. They keep asking what he’s doing and he doesn’t answer at first. Then he says that he’s going to chop things with his hands because he can protect her and Tailor Made can’t. Then he pounds on a brick with his bare hand and he can’t break them. The cinder block breaks. Then he actually does break some bricks. Lalalalalalalala asks Cousin Itt what he thinks of people who who think he’s faking his personality. He says that this is the way he talks but if he’s on a job interview, he can change it. He makes Lalalala interview him and he tries really hard and actually speaks normally. Like a person. But then goes back into word garbage at the end. Then he gives NY a box as she asks him to wipe away his drool. He says that he never ate chicken wings and fries with her so he can’t love her. She’s scared of opening the box but then he makes her open it and there are old French fries in it and he says it’s a symbol of love. She can’t believe he brought her cold fries and throws them at him. Then she calls herself Miss NY. Now she has a title? Cousin Itt goes to sit down again.
Lalalalalalalalala shows some footage of Mrs. NY talking about sorry losers and Mama’s Boys.
Mrs. NY comes to the stage in a sparkly black vest over a white button down. She says that it was hard to watch her daughter go through the process again but her own leadership skills helped her this season and she has the right person this time around and there will be no more I Love New York. Lalalala makes her look back at Champion who Mrs. New York called a dreamboat and melted onto the floor for and took home when he was eliminated. Again, isn’t she married? Mrs. NY says that he didn’t stay in the house but he made it. Champion comes to the stage and his shirt makes him look like a big pink Popsicle. Oh, my. He and Mrs. New York make out a lot. A lot a lot. NY runs backstage in terror. I didn’t think I’d be using my Puke Pail so soon. Mrs. NY goes to find NY but NY comes out and asks for an explanation.
Lalalalalalala suggests that Champion wipe the red lipstick off his face and Mrs. NY says he can keep it on. Because she likes gender bending. NY still wants an explanation. Lalalalalala asks about NY’s dad and Mrs. NY says it’s in the past and Champion is the future. NY can’t believe it and Champion suggests she start to believe. She tells him to shut the fuck up and he wants to be one happy family. Really, finding out that your mom left your dad for someone your own age on a television show is probably not in the top ten good times of your life. NY curses at him some more and tells him he’s not in the family. Lalalalala thanks him for talking to them and tells him to move the stage. She wants to move on so NY can absorb what just happened because it was shocking. More gross than shocking, I’d say. I think Mr. NY should have his own show.
Midget Mac’s turn to take the spotlight. We flash back to when the Women NY first saw him and were in shock and a bit turned off. Then we see lots of laughter and mocking and more terror. Then we see footage of them calling him short. Then we see more footage of Mrs. NY telling MM he looks funny and telling NY she’ll be the laughing stock if she gets with him. Then we see footage of MM beating up the other guys in the house and then finally him kissing NY.
MM dances up to the stage and sits down right next to Mrs. NY with his arm around her back. Lalalala tells him he was the first little person to be a competitor. He thinks he showed people that he’s a regular man. Lalalalalala asks Mrs. NY why it took her a long time to warm up to him. She says that MM was a shocker to her because she’s never seen a small person before. She still wouldn’t want NY with a small person and her defense is that she’s being honest. She loves MM and he taught her something and they’ll always be friends. Lalalalalalala asks him about his daughters and MM says they’re real good. He and Mrs. NY hug.
Lalalalalalalala calls Wolf up to the stage. He dances and struts and sits next to Mrs. NY. They shake hands. Lalalala reminds us that we’ve never verified Wolf’s first day claim—footage of him saying he has a big dick. A lot of footage. About his member. Dick dick dick dick dick. Have we had enough yet? I have. Oh, some new footage of Mrs. NY saying she likes a big dick and wants to see his. Still, it’s enough footage.
Then Lalalalala asks if Mrs. NY is ready to find out the truth. She wants to so she and Wolf go behind these two white screens you would find in a school nurse’s office and he dances around and it’s backlit so we see him taking his pants down as he bobs up and down. Mrs. NY says there’s nothing. She sees nothing. He says he won’t pull anything out unless he’s going to use it. Wow, that was a waste of time.
Now it’s time to flashback to Entertainer’s time in the house. Mrs. NY thought he was a freak. No noo no nooooo! Toe suck footage. Noooooooooo! More Mrs. NY calling him a freak and a pervert. Footage of his ex saying he has a temper and lives with his parents.
Entertainer comes up to the stage, taking a deep breath in the process. He sits next to Mrs. NY but leans the other way to be as far away as possible. He says he isn’t bitter that NY called him a loser because he’s his own person. Lalalala reminds him that he’s the only guy who had NY’s toes in his mouth. He says those are the only toes that have ever been there and toe sucking is not in his regular repertoire. Great, thanks for making us witness your experimental phase of foot fetish.
Lalalalalala then cuts to footage to Entertainer’s home life. He shows the house outside. Then shows his old Christmas stocking. Then he does laundry as his parents yell at him. He uses a leaf blower and his dad yells at him. His dad interviews that they hope Entertainer can move out but they don’t mind him there. Then he plays a guitar and sings and his voice isn’t all that bad. Why didn’t he show this side of himself on the show? Then he stops short when people come to his window. But no one is at the window. Then his parents are screaming at him in the living room. Then he rakes leave. Then his dad yells at him for sleeping. Then he’s outside complaining that they yell at him. Then his mom says that she doesn’t really want to kick him out. Entertainer can’t show the rest of his house because it’s not his place. Then his parents say he can rent an apartment or a house. Then he shows off his basement room and his mom asks if there’s something going on and demands respect.
Lalalalalala asks NY how she feels about seeing the footage. Before she can answer, Entertainer jokes, “Now she knows why she made the right decision.” And that’s very endearing because he knows it’s partially true. Then NY gets a little serious to explain that when she’s in the throes of passion, she’s very loud, and it would bother her knowing that his parents are upstairs and can hear. So all of America hearing: good. Parents hearing: bad. Got it. Entertainer promises that he would’ve made her smile still. NY tells him that his parents are too involved in his life and he says that her mom is more involved in her life than his mom is in his life even though he lives at home. Which is true.
Then we see footage of the jock strap beaver hair transvestite fight. Which is still pretty awesome. His parents are in the audience. Lalalalala asks why things went so bad so fast. Mrs. Entertainer stands up and says that they’re going to talk like two human beings. Mrs. NY answers “I’m not human.” I think we see where the problem now lies. Mr. Entertainer calls out, “How could you be—you’ve got three eyes?” The audience erupts in laughter, Entertainer laughs, Mr. and Mrs. Entertainer laughs and the very inhuman Mrs. NY of course takes that as a compliment and claps and laughs. Mr. Entertainer is a very good hearted guy obviously.
Mrs. Entertainer says that she hadn’t like the way they had been talking and that they had been disrespectful. Then NY does some dancing and booty dropping as a response. Then Mr. Entertainer yells about asses and faces and Mrs. NY stands and whips the floor. Mr. Entertainer turns around so she can hit his ass. They all yell at each other. Entertainer yells from the couch that NY is low class and her mom didn’t raise her right. More yelling and Lalalalala laments that they cannot have a civil conversation.
Lalalala talks about having a brilliant, smooth talking, hunk of a man in the ranks and NY had two. Footage of Punk and Buddha. Ooh, sweaty Buddha on the step machine. Mmmm. Too bad he’s a manipulative ass. Some mackin it footage of NY and Buddha. NY and Buddha fighting. So really, this footage is more about Buddha than it is about Punk, which is what the whole season was like anyway. Punk was like the red-headed step child of the brilliant, smooth talking hunks.
Punk and Buddha come to the stage. Dang they look good. Except for Punks big shiny red jacket. What is it with big guys who wear bright red jackets? That looks so dumb. Oh, and Punk got a hair cut or it’s slicked back and not all spiky and wild the way it was. Man, he has not recovered well from being axed from the show.
Lalalala tells Punk he literally looked stunned when NY eliminated him. Nice—make him relive his heartbreak. Punk says that that morning he had been in her bed and she was saying how she loved him and that they would go to Jamaica the next day and twelve hours later she told him the exact opposite. NY says that she didn’t play him and had real feelings for him. Punk asks if she had real feelings for everyone else then, and did she say that she loved them.
Buddha, aka I Need Attention, jumps in to say that he heard that all the time. NY laughs and is like, what are you talking about? Punk asks Buddha if she called him Ezra; Buddha says she called him Ezra all the time. Punk says she used to call him David all the time. I guess he’s implying that it shows love. NY says that muscles will not play her out and they can’t tag team her. Lalalalala asks if she fell in love with all three of them and NY says she had feelings for all three and she chose the right one for her lifestyle. She says that it’s tough and they turn on her and it’s hard on her. Then Buddha stands and says, Ladies and Gentlemen, New York! She says, see? They lose and they turn on her. She has a point. At the end of the show, Punk and Buddha were cutting each other down. Now that they’ve both lost, they’re teaming up against her to make fun of her.
Lalalala asks Punk if he would take another chance with NY if she offered it. He looks away and NY is like, I’m over here. He says, I know where you are; I’m thinking. Then Buddha says something to get attention and NY tells him not to pass judgment on her. They bicker back and forth. Buddha says her mom uses her like a puppet so NY is looking for a puppet. Punk and Buddha aren’t puppets. NY says she’s happy and that’s all that matters.
Lalalalala asks Buddha how he really felt about NY. He says that he was into her and then he wasn’t. He says that NY was always interesting no matter what. Then he says that he and Punk both got played. NY says, Let’s be Tiffany and Ezra now—how did you get played? Buddha says that he couldn’t see himself without her and he’ll always be her friend. What does that mean? That makes no sense.
Now we go to the guys in the audience. Pretty says that Buddha and Punk were very close in the house. He says that when he watched the show, he saw Punk saying stuff about him after he left. NY says that he’s a lawyer and is trained to lie. Pretty explains that, well, I really don’t know where he’s going with this at all. Then some guy who got cut so early that I have no idea who he is screams that Buddha shouldn’t stand up for a guy who says he’s gay. Buddha stands up and takes off his jacket, mumbling about something. Punk stops Buddha from going up in the audience. Buddha starts folding his jacket. Now they yell. Buddha says not to be confused by the jacket and calls the guy a homophobe and they ‘re all family but the yelling guy. They take the yelling guy away. I have no idea what any of that was about. Lalalala thanks the two of them for coming up and being honest. Does anyone know what’s going on? Because I sure don’t.
Tailor Made time. Footage of him being a tattle tale and everyone else hating him. TM comes out to a cheering audience and Lalalala says it’s a hostile crowd. He says he’s appreciative of the positive feedback he’s gotten. Buddha rambles on that she’s a woman looking for a dog and he’s on a leash. TM wishes him all the best in his male escort and acting career. TM says that NY picked the best man, not the big man.
Lalalala asks him about the spitting incident with Mr. Wise. He says that he regrets it, especially after remembering what NY went through with Pumkin spitting on her. He says that most people would respond to someone getting that close all up in their grill. Mr. Wise says, Not by spitting! TM says that Mr. Wise spit first. Mr. Wise reminds him that he spit on Cousin Itt twice. Really? Maybe he spits when he talks. TM thinks that they all thought it was a fraternity to make BFFs and they were all licking Buddha’s cock when he came back. He’s right. And kinda funny. Mr. Wise says that TM would be crippled if TM spit on him on the street and TM makes fun of him for using the word street cred, stealing my thunder because I so would’ve jumped on that.
Mr. Wise says that he’s a man. He should’ve hit him and didn’t. He came too far on the show to get kicked off. He says that he struggled and he wasn’t going to let anyone take anything from him. Lalalala says it takes a real man to take the higher road.
HOLY SHIT OMIGOD!!!! Someone jump dive sucker punches Tailor Made right off the couch. I’m thinking it’s Mr. Wise but I’m not sure because Lalalalala was going to commercial and now there’s security all over the place and an empty couch. This is the most awesome thing ever. Mr. Wise—it IS Mr. Wise—stands up and says I saved your life. Cheezy and Buddha are in the audience half laughing, half in shock.
THEN, oh thank you producers and editors and the entertainment geniuses at VH1—they offer an instant replay. And another. And another. TM crunches up and squints on the couch and Mr. Wise’s body punches into him and sails over as TM tumbles off the couch. Triple instant replay! TM yells that Mr. Wise doesn’t know how to hit right and tells security he had to fix his suit and wants a lint brush. Lalalala makes it all about herself and tells security that she doesn’t want anybody else to hit anyone because she doesn’t want to be hurt. Okay, fine, she has a point. Flinging a shoe is one thing; guys pounding on each other is another. I wonder if she’ll admonish Mr. Wise the way she admonished Buckwild.
Sidenote: In no way do I condone violence. Punching—not even jump dive punching across the couch—doesn’t solve problems. Including the entertaining kind.
TM has recovered quickly. I guess he’s gotten used to being beat up. Lalalala reminds TM that he found love with NY and they show footage of the two love birds together kissing awkwardly and I’m getting my bucket out again. Lalala brings out NY and they hug and make out and NY is all laughing and uncomfortable. They kiss more. Awkwardly. I throw up into my bucket. He says that it’s been a long time but not as long as people think because they don’t follow the rules. It’s real life and love and they’ve been together since they got back from Jamaica. As in moved in. They stayed out of the public eye as best they could.
Lalalalalala asks NY if this is for real. NY thanks TM for trying out for I Love Nuts because he’s more than she ever thought she could find. Lalalala asks TM if his daughter met NY and NY loves his daughter and calls her the baby. Lalalala asks NY if she’s ready to be a mom. NY says she’s not pregnant and has too much partying to do before she has a baby. Lalalala says she saw TM slip a box under the couch and asks him what he’d like to do with it.
TM takes out the box and says it cost him a lot of time and money and he got it two days ago. He gives NY his divorce papers. He’s a single man! NY is happy and now it’s all about the two of them. Lalalala says it feels good to see NY in this happy place.
Lalalala asks the guys what they think about TM and NY. Punk congratulates them and says he’s still single. Buddha says he has a lot of love for NY and thinks differently of TM but wants them to be happy. TM says that the show was a small fraction of what he and NY have experienced together. He then takes out the engagement ring and she says that she loves TM and kisses and hugs him. NY says life is short and she’s a grown ass woman and she accepts the ring even though she said she didn’t want to be engaged for two years. Lalalala says it’s clear she’s happy and in love. NY says she’s so happy. Lalala wishes them the best and thanks everyone for coming.
Then TM picks up NY and carries her backstage as she cackled. Now THAT’s love. Sort of.
Email me. Chat in the forums. Wash out your I Love NY Puke Pail and repaint it with Rock Of Love. Oh, yes, when one nut leaves, another one takes its place.
|
The comments are owned by the poster. We aren't responsible for their content.
| Poster |
Thread |
| luvmyshelltoes |
Posted: 2008/1/7 13:44 Updated: 2008/1/7 13:44 |
Writer   Joined: 2007/12/12 From: Palos Verdes, CA Posts: 92 |
 Things I learned from the Reunion Show 1. During the break NY's weave went terribly awry. She was on a good hair streak for awhile but apparently that's over
2. Midgets can still sag
3. Mr wise should audition for Cirque d' Soleil
4. A ridiculous red blazer can be made even more ridiculous by adding stars to one sleeve and the back
5. Mrs. NY will probably have her own show with Champion somewhere down the line
6. Cristina should manufacture a line of puke pails for all of us VH1 Devotees
|
|
|
|
|
|
