Chef Boston's Sage Advice--RANCH: I Love NY 2, Episode 6
Lots of ranch
The I Love Nuts Comment Of The Week Contest is back and better than ever! Congratulations, Candice, for this juicy tidbit of information: Mr. Wise always wears his hat to complete his image as a rapper! Suh-weet. I actually did check out the link even though it’s a MySpace page and MySpace is the downfall of all humanity. Is it wrong that I think he’s a pretty good rapper? I know nothing about rap, but I was boppin along to the song that played. I liked the background vocals better than his, but I dug the song.
We begin exactly where we left off: at the elimination ceremony with Buddha smiling on his way back in. NY tells the guys that they each have to sign a form to say that they don’t mind Buddha being there. Take that, Me, for shaming VH1 for foul play. Here it is—the “I won’t sue you if Buddha punches me” contract. Everyone welcomes Buddha back because they missed him because this is suddenly summer camp and not a competition. Everyone except Tailor Made who keeps his head down the whole time, hesitates a whole lot, and then signs the form only because he loves NY so very much. He doesn’t look at Buddha and Buddha smirks all smug. TM says he won’t give Buddha the satisfaction of looking him in the eye. What? I’m pretty sure his cowering is giving Buddha great satisfaction.
Buddha now seems kinda slimy to me. There’s something snake-like about him and too smooth. Maybe because he now thinks he’s really God-like since he was able to come back on the show after attacking a fellow contestant with a glass of orange juice. I’m a sucker for a hot bod and perfect smile, but even I won’t be sucked in by this false charm. Show me a violent Buddha and I’ll show you a beast in Buddha’s robes.
They all toast, led by Buddha, and TM is on the outskirts of the circle. Then he runs away when they go into the living room. All the other guys crowd around Buddha and praise him basically. TM is pissed that NY is putting his life in jeopardy. Because he can’t leave on his own free will I guess.
The next morning, Buddha and TM are working out in the gym. Buddha’s lifting like 50 pound dumbbells (I don’t know what that is in metric—sorry, Canada). He’s wearing a “the world is mine” shirt which the camera people feel they should continuously zoom in on. Meanwhile, TM is shirtless and shouldn’t be and he’s struggling with pulling on some resistance bands. Very funny.
Later on, Big Ant brings in a note from NY. Buddha reads that they all need to cook a dish for NY. Entertainer runs to the phone to get a recipe from his mom. He starts off, “Ma, it’s Frankie” which is the only moment so far that I’ve liked him. He’s gotta be Italian and from New York by the way he says Ma. I’m pretty sure if he said, “Ma, it’s the Entertainer,” she’d curse and hang up on him. She makes several suggestions before he says he wants to make penne a la vodka which she says is easy. She starts off by telling him to pour two jiggers of vodka and he has no clue what a jigger is. Heheeeeeee. I don’t cook and even I know that a jigger is a measurement that is shot like. But maybe that has nothing to do with cooking and everything to do with my drinking habit.
TM decides to make a salad because he does take out a lot. Wolf’s light bulb came on and he decides to make chicken fajitas.
They all arrive at the industrial kitchen where they’ll cook and NY brings out Mr. Boston who she calls her master chef. He hugs her and Mrs. NY and they’re all smiling. It’s a sweet moment. He tells the guys that he was an expert on what NY wanted to put in her mouth. Man, that’s too easy so I’m moving on. He reveals the secret ingredient—NY’s favorite food: Ranch Dressing. I don’t consider condiments a food but there it is. They all have to include at least one cup in their dishes.
Now Mr. Boston gets all Rain Man on us and walks around repeating, Lots of ranch, more ranch, a little more ranch, lots of ranch.
Entertainer asks Mr. Boston how he’s supposed to incorporate ranch into penna a la vodka. Mr. Boston tells him to make the penne and throw the ranch on afterwards. Entertainer trusts Boston because Boston is a chef. The editors put up a pop up box on the screen that informs us: FYI—Boston is an accountant, not a chef. HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!!!
Ranch. Use ranch. Lots of ranch. Ranch solves everything. Heal the world with ranch.
Pretty interviews that ranch doesn’t go well with cheese cake. Wow, he can make cheese cake? However, we see him measuring out a cup of ranch from the ranch fountain in the middle of the kitchen. Yes, I said ranch fountain. You know those chocolate fountains for fondue? This one has ranch. It must smell pretty rank.
Buddha makes veggies and chicken and puts a little bit of ranch on the side. He interviews that he was set on doing the opposite of what Boston said. I don’t like Buddha.
NY and Mrs. NY come back in for judging. First is Entertainer’s Tiffany Delight—garlic bread and penne a la vodka with ranch. Mrs. NY says it’s fattening and NY loves it because he incorporated her two favorite things—ranch and vodka. Hahahahhhaaaaaaaaa.
Next is Wolf’s chicken fajitas. NY has a food orgasm. Wolf does a happy dance.
Pretty presents his Mississippi Roll O Dice. NY spits it out. They can’t believe that he put ranch in the cheese cake. Neither can I.
Then Mr. Wise presents NY’s Dogs. They are appalled that he made hot dogs. Mrs. NY calls it trashy. He says it’s his first time making fries. NY asks if he cut them. He says he got them out of a bag but deep fried them. So it was his first time opening a bag of frozen fries.
Next Punk presents Saturday Afternoon which are Bleu Cheese Burgers. NY spits it out because she doesn’t like bleu cheese.
Tailor Made gives them his Smart, Sexy, Salmon Salad. NY says it looks interesting. He explains that he added caviar because she likes the finer things in life. She says she doesn’t like caviar. He says, Sorry baby. She says she’ll taste it anyway and someone calls out that caviar is fish eggs and she starts to have a fit. She tastes it finally and spits it out because it’s way too fishy. Even ranch couldn’t save it. First off, why did she say she didn’t like caviar if she had never tasted it before? Secondly, I’ll admit that salmon is a very fishy tasting fish but she could have known that by smelling it.
Buddha tells them that he made something that’s representative of him. What the? He presents marinated chicken and vegetables. Mrs. NY likes it because it’s healthy.
NY chooses Wolf as her date. Mrs. NY chooses Buddha for NY’s other date.
Buddha and NY get all dressy for their date. They make out ass soon as they see each other. Their date takes place upstairs in the house. Why did they get all dressy for that? She tells him she’s happy he’s back and she missed him. Buddha interviews that he had lots of thoughts and regrets while he was gone. They tell each other how much they like each other and how attractive they are. He does look good. No no no! I will not succumb to the Buddha charm!
NY says that she’s aggressive. He wonders if she can handle him. This moves into bedroom conversation. She says that a small penis would be sad and he says that he’s got references.
Meanwhile, TM is pacing back and forth downstairs. Incidentally, he’s wearing a shirt with a Buddha on it.
NY and Buddha’s conversation has moved from penis talk to trust issues. She says it’s intense. He says she needs to trust him deeply. They mack it. A lot. I don’t need to see this. NY interviews that Buddha is a better kisser than TM. NY tells Buddha that he kisses like Valentine’s Day chocolate. She takes him over to the mirror to see how they look good together.
After the date, NY checks on the guys. She fawns over Pretty’s tie. She hugs Wolf and gets giddy about their date. She hugs Buddha again. TM walks NY upstairs and they talk about NY’s heart. But then, Punk comes over from out of nowhere and they start mackin it. Hil. Air. Eee. Us.
TM decides to step things up by buying NY off. He calls some place and tells them that he’s buying a gift for his girlfriend. Girlfriend? I don’t think so, crazyman. The gift costs $800.
The next day, Wolf and Buddha are outside talking and Wolf farts. A lot. He meets up with NY in the house and NY explains that their date will be on the set of Nip/Tuck because they asked her to do a guest role as herself. Ooh, they’ve got hot guys on that show. That’s a show I wish I watched but I never knew when it was on so I’ve never watched it.
They arrive at the set and the executive producer tells NY that he and the crew are all fans of the show. He gives NY a huge bottle of liquor or champagne or something that will get her drunk. The exec comments that Wolf isn’t a thug and is well mannered and isn’t NY’s type. Then the exec interviews that NY should marry him. I love that the world is full of crazies no matter where we go.
NY and Wolf go into the trailer and she has to tell him what they are eating. She calls him a bumpkin. He doesn’t know what the tuna or the cheese is. They eat anyway and then run her lines. Wolf interviews that he wanted to kiss her but she wouldn’t be able to remember her lines if he did. Then they fall asleep and he farts in his sleep. I dated a guy who did that once. It’s pretty nasty. So very nasty. But I guess you can’t help it if you’re unconscious. And btw, Wolf has a deep southern accent that I’ve never noticed before. I guess it isn’t noticeable when he talks about his dick.
They call NY to the set and the director introduces her as the guest star and everyone claps. That’s nice. She does all her lines and does the scene and it’s funny because since she’s playing herself, at times it’s hard to tell if she’s doing the scene or not. She curses too. I guess that’s in the script. Do they curse on Nip/Tuck? The scene ends with Julien the hottie from NT kissing her. Nice!
NY goes outside with a production assistant and asks if that was rehearsal. The assistant says that they were filming and it was all over. NY did a really good job. She and Wolf finally go home.
All the guys missed NY. Punk pulls her aside and tells her that his day was too boring and sad when she’s not around. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her. She’s flattered. Then Buddha shows up out of nowhere and takes her away. Punk doesn’t like Buddha’s smugness and thinks his actions were disrespectful.
Then inside, Pretty grabs NY and carries her upstairs. She interviews that she was happy she had panties on. Yes, we all are. They mack it at the top of the stairs while TM stands about a foot away watching and waiting. When she’s done mackin, TM gives her the gift he bought her. She pulls out a negligee. They kiss and he says that he loves her twice and calls her baby again. She changes into the negligee for the elimination ceremony.
Elimination Ceremony Time!
NY’s boobs are like two kickballs glued to her chest. I have no idea how we’re not seeing nipple.
She tells them that some of them have separated themselves from her and she needs an aggressive man who will seek her out. She wants them to win her time and if they don’t step up, they won’t stay.
She’s going to hand out chains in the order of guys making the most effort.
Tailor Made gets the first chain because he went from the dog house to the pent house. Buddha thinks it’s funny that TM bought NY a nightie that Buddha would later take off. Punk is pissed because TM shows his affection with his credit card. It’s not TM’s fault that NY can be bought.
Next chain goes to Buddha because he opens up to NY the most. They’re feeling each other and it feels right. Ugh! I HATE him. She gives him a big hug and he puts one arm around her waist and keeps his other hand in his pocket because he’s cool like dat. Arg!!!!!!!
Punk gets the next chain and tells her that the first chain should have been his. She likes that he says that.
Entertainer gets the next chain and promises to be more aggressive.
Pretty gets the next and says he has love for NY every night.
Then we cut to an interview with Wolf who says that if he were eliminated tonight, he’d be appalled. Then he stops himself and asks, Is that a bad word? That don’t mean something good, do it? HIL. AIR. EEE. US!!!!!!!!!! I’m lovin Wolf now!!!!! Which means, no doubt, he’ll be eliminated.
The last chain goes to Mr. Wise for no apparent reason. Maybe he wins by default because he didn’t break wind at any point in her presence. NY asks him if he wants her and he says Yesido imgonproveit—thanks for the subtitles, editors. We love you.
NY tells Wolf that he’s a sweet country bumpkin who will never fit into Hollywood. They say they’ll always be cool and she wants to get ribs with him in Texas.
Wolf/Greg, wow that’s a normal name, interviews that NY is missing out on a lot. He starts to undo his pants and we cut back away. I guess we’ll never know what his dick is really like although everything is big in Texas.
Mrs. NY tells the guys that she’s happy they’re all there but they need to hurry up and destroy each other for her daughter. They all laugh. Big Ant brings out champagne and the guys run for it. NY tells TM he has great taste and Buddha is pissed that NY is talking to him. NY tells them that they should show her that they want her and want to be in her house. They yell that they love her. I guess that’s proof enough.
Email me, especially if you don’t like Buddha. Chat in the forums, too. They’re gettin juicy.
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