Dancing with the Stars, Season 5, Resultary 1: Looks 10, Dancing 3
Any excuse to quote A Chorus Line.
Hello to all our returning Rhumba-rrific readers!!!! This season, I’m going to be doing a results show recap (in the loosest sense of the word) wrapped up in lots of commentary on the week’s performances. Will it be the paddle or the high five? Will we be Bruno or Len? You never know what’s going to happen with resultary!
The judges made a lot of noise this week about how this was the best season starter EVER. IN THE HISTORY OF DANCING WITH THE STARS, REALITY TV AND POSSIBLY, THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE. EVER. So they were a little excited. Me? Less so.
Jennie looked like she was going to pass out but managed to keep it together. The ads had her as the 90210 babe but I’m thinking more America’s Sweetheart. She just looks happy to get out of the house.
Josie wins the Paulina prize for most complaints. Was she not aware that signing up for this show would involve, to a certain degree, dancing? And yes, we get it, you’re not a dancer. But must you be a whiner? Poor, delicious Alec, I am here to ease your pain.
Sabrina is apparently a Cheetah girl which has nothing to do with Cheetos (although she and the snack were the same orange). Is it a junior, less dirrrrty version of the Pussycat Dolls? Whatever kinda of animal she’s supposed to be, she was ch-ch-ch-cheetahlicious. Not only was her attitude infectious but her dancing was ridiculously good. Her new guy partner was grinning like he hit the jackpot. No wonder they got the encore. And yeah, she’s a ringer because she came with moves but her expertise is hip hop, so she’s going to be challenged by ballroom.
Marie looked like she was having a great time but I was bored. Also, concerned that I may not be able to handle it when she salsas. Mis ojos, mis ojos!
Mel B’s laugh scares me. Her dancing was pretty blah which made me wonder what exactly were the Spice Girls’ talents? Singing zing-a-zing-AH? And it looks like Maks (love you!) has another tough girl on his hands.
If Jane had said that she feels 16 again one more time or if Tony was going to profess how honored he was to work with her, I was going to throw my remote at the TV. Dream come true… blah blah blah…. Was I the only one who was kinda fixated on the house that Dr. Quinn built?
Cameron’s smile is ridiculous. I think he has at least 12 more teeth than the average person. And then they whip out the whole leg brace story and my love grew even more (don’t worry, Maks, it’s just a fling). Even Edyta, wrapping herself around him like a boa, looking ecstatic at her good fortune, couldn’t get me down. And his dancing? I’m sorry, what?
I just want to put Floyd in my pocket and carry him around with me all day long. He’s just so adorable and eager to please. Karina needs some anger management classes to work through her storming off on every star. I’m not sure why the judges were so harsh on him but still, he’s in my pocket.
Helio. Ah, Helio. It’s so hard for me to choose between Latin lover or race car references. And I have to keep it up for a whole season because it looks like he brought his moves from the racetrack to the dance floor. I had no idea who he was but I think Julianne lucked out again. Ok, one Top Gun reference – I feel the need…the need for speed!
This is a PG13 forum so I’m going to keep my Albert comments (Maks, it’s okay, a girl needs to keep her options open) family friendly. Let’s just say that Elvis’s “A little less conversation, a little more action” would work well as our theme song. One pocket for Floyd, one pocket for Albert. I’m set.
What is it about Mark that irritates me so much? It’s probably 50% goatee, 50% smugness. It certainly wasn’t his dancing, which was surprisingly smooth. Maybe he’d stay out of the bottom two if he spread some of his $5B around. Oh and also? Stop talking about it.
Wayne. Surprising that someone who spent his whole life in entertainment was so much less entertaining than other elder statesman like Jerry Springer and George Hamilton. No only does he look like he had a face transplant but he looks so uncomfortable. Or at least that’s my interpretation of the expression on his “face.” Danke Schoen, Wayne and maybe Auf Wiedersehen, soon?
This week’s results show had Dolly Parton and Savion Glover, such a natural combination that I don’t know why someone hadn’t thought of it first. Inflatable boobs and tap dancers? Solid gold! They also brought back Kenny Mayne who did a taped bit that went on too long.
Josie was a shoo-in for the bottom two, although I was disappointed that the judges gave her such a hard time. In other seasons, she would have been middle of the pack so it’s not exactly fair to all of sudden ratchet the expectations to 9’s during week 1. Mark needs to be less cocky if he wants to stay out of the bottom 2, especially when he considers that there are lots of pretty boys who will get points just for showing up (and showing off). But it was bye-bye Josie this week, to no one's surprise.
Will Sabrina and Helio continue to dominate or will the other stars step it up? Will the judges ease up or get even tougher? Who will creep me out more with her ritmo latino – Jane or Marie? Will Wayne blink? Will Jennie cry? Will Mel B do that scary laugh another 12 times? Will Albert unbutton a little more? How is a girl expected to focus on anything else when there are so many unanswered yet pivotal questions? Like Bruno, I can barely sit still until Monday.
Mali Perl can be reached at mali@realityshack.com. When did DWTS become Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous and when can we go on the house tour?
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