Dancing With the Stars 5, Episode 2 - Testosterone Tuesday
The Men Make their Moves
“Tonight, a storm is brewing, and it’s raining men!” opens host Tom Bergeron. Seriously? “Raining Men”? That’s the best they could come up with? Is there no joke too corny for you, Tom? “Get ready for Testosterone Tuesday!” Ugh, I guess not.
Fortunately, Drew Lachey’s still co-hosting, so that will help me get through Tom’s awful sense of humor. They re-introduce all the stars again, y’know, just in case you forgot them from last night. Who’s dressing Josie Maran? I love how they keep giving her low-cut dresses that show off a ribcage where cleavage should be. The hosts explain that the men will be dancing tonight, again, because the audience must be full of idiots if they didn’t catch the hint during the opening “raining men” montage. They go on to recap the performances (and Bruno’s creepiness) from the night before.
Let’s move on, shall we? Cameron Mathison meets with Edyta Sliwinska and admits that he had to wear leg braces as a child due to Legg-Calvé-Perthes syndrome, a degenerative disease of the hip joint, which now affects his flexibility as an adult. He’s also still working full-time on his soap, All My Children, so he’s racking up plenty of Frequent Flyer miles as he travels from New York to Los Angeles and back to keep up with both shows. “Sleep’s overrated,” he jokes.
Maybe more sleep would help him with his dancing. As he dances the foxtrot, he looks… stiff. I realize that his body needs to be controlled, but it doesn’t look natural. Cameron has very good extensions and lines, but some of his footing needs work. I hope he gets better because I think he’s a likable guy, but not so good with the dancing. Len Goodman compares Cameron to a water faucet: the dance flowed, and then it splattered a bit, then there was a nice gush, a couple of drips, and then back into the flow again. Um. Okay. Overall, he thought Cameron did a good job for his first time out. Bruno says that Cameron is “not quite a Rolls Royce yet, but not a Buick either.” Carrie Ann was concerned because he started off a little weak and stiff, but she ends with compliments. The couple earns 7-7-7 from the judges, which I think is a tad high.
Next up is Floyd “Pretty Boy” Mayweather (thanks for the e-mail Glynis!) and his partner Karina Smirnoff. Floyd is also training for a championship fight while he’s training for the show. Maybe he should only concentrate on dancing because he has difficulty mastering the simplest of steps. “I’m not doin’ that step! Why’re you giving me something so difficult?” Fed up with his stubbornness, Karina walks out on him. Floyd turns away from his selfish ways and apologizes, and the couple continues on to a successful rehearsal. Awww… it’s like an after-school special.
I thought this guy was supposed to be the one to watch out for. Sure… if I’m on the lookout for a train wreck. Everything’s just awful. For one, the choreography seems to be full of hip-hop dance moves. His lines, extensions, everything is just bad. He can’t even stand up straight! His posture is icky. (Yes, that’s totally the technical term for it: “icky.”) Bruno says he’s going to change Mayweather’s name to “September Storm.” Well, it’s good to know that Bruno’s creepiness treats everyone equally, man or woman. He tells Floyd that he could be an amazing dancer if he channels his energy into technique. Len thinks he has lots of potential. (That’s a nice way of saying, “That sucked.”) He’s hoping that Floyd will come back stronger in the second “round” for the quickstep. (Uh, hello? Spoiler alert much?) Carrie Ann says that it was fast, furious, and full-out, but that he needs to watch his finesse. The scores come back 6-6-6. Fabulous.
Our next couple is Helio Castroneves and Julianne Hough. Hey, did you forget that Helio has won the Indy 500? Twice? Don’t worry, the producers will be sure to remind you. Helio thinks that dancing in front of millions of people is scarier than zipping around on the racetrack. I think his gigantic smile is kinda scary. During one of Helio’s races, his car crashes, but he comes out okay, just a minor issue with his right knee. He wishes he could blame his bad knee for his dancing difficulties, but he admits that he just can’t remember the steps.
I really like the fact that Helio is wearing a tuxedo with tails. It just adds an aura of classiness to the whole thing. Suddenly, Helio’s big cheesy grin looks absolutely perfect for the performance. His lines are kinda ‘eh’, and he needs to work on completely finishing his arm extensions, but otherwise, he looks pretty darn good. Judges? Carrie Ann tells him that he had no need to be nervous because he is a natural. Of course, Bruno can’t go without some kind of creative name-calling; this time around, it’s “king of charm.” Len tells him he was on cruise control. Aaaaand we cut to commercial.
Ugh, what the heck is up with the commercial buffers? I can’t stand all the mugging that they make the dancers do. You know that goofy uncle who tries to something funny for the camera at the wedding reception? Now imagine 24 of them. Yeah, ew. When the commercials are over, we get Helio and Julianne’s scores: 8-9-8. Wow! Len seems like a tough cookie, so I’m surprised that he gave such a high score. But it was definitely well deserved.
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