Sluttin It Up: Charm School, Episode 8
Suck and Swallow
It’s getting down to the wire as the class keeps shrinking. We begin this week with Becky moping around and this time in her interview, she doesn’t have enough pep to go ghetto at all. Sigh. She thinks it’s sad that Larissa left when Becky was the one who was supposed to go. Umm, Becky—Larissa has issues and she wasn’t letting Charm School help her figure them out.
The girls meet downstairs for the next lesson. This week’s commandment is Unless Thou Can Play, Thou Wilt Be Played. Mr. Tariq King Flex Nasheed is the guest today. Only the way Mo says it, it sound like his name is Tariq King, Sex Machine. I think that he was on an episode of MTV’s MADE. He’s the author of a lot of books about relationships and playas and mackin it. Becky thinks Tariq is a pimp and she likes pimps. Ha! That’s the Becky I love.
Sex Machine begins with Relationship 101 as the girls are all gaga. Shay thinks that having a good looking teacher helps students pay attention. Attention to what, I’m not quite sure. Sex Machine begins by listing The Four Ps: Playas (or players), Professionals, Pushovers, and, Parolees. He then shows pie charts that show all about charisma and profit and they have to guess which of the four Ps goes with which chart. Apparently Pushovers don’t know anything about sex while Parolees are all sex drive.
Sex Machine keeps asking them if any of them have dated a Playa or a Parolee, and oh, how we love the editors—they keep flashing back to dates with Flav. Heeheeeee. Leilee says that she married a professional who wanted her to leave it to beaver and so she left.
Now we learn about a fifth category that does not start with P. It’s the Urban Renaissance Man. Why not just call him a Renaissance Man? This term is not new. Stop trying to seem like you made it up, Sex Machine. This type of guy encompasses everything all the others have, but it’s balanced. Brooke asks if you have to sleep with every guy to figure out which type he is. Umm, a nice chat over coffee might help as well.
Dean Mikki gives them their assignment. They will have a prom at Charm School with lots of guys there. The guys will be from all the four categories, and only one will be the URM. Ha! Say that out loud—urm. Funny stuff. That’s what happens when you bogart a term. Anyway, the woman who chooses the URM will win immunity from expulsion.
The girls chat about the prom. Shay asks what happens if none of them chooses the URM. Then they get excited because they get to choose dresses. Becky thinks she looks like Barbie threw up on her. Brooke doesn’t wear panties. Saaphyri thinks the men should be scared because the girls haven’t been around guys in a long time. Then she and Becky go over the traits they’re supposed to look for—sensitive, sexy, sexual appetite, profit potential.
They go downstairs in their prom dresses and Mo meets them in one of her own. They all look very pretty. The guys come in wearing suits and it’s suddenly an awkward seventh grade mixer where no one can look at each other and everyone sways uncomfortably. Saaphyri interviews that she’s been bamboozled because they’re all ugly. Hil. Air. Eee. Us. Mo reiterates exactly what Dean Mikki said before but now we see who’s in what category.
Joey is a player, which I knew as soon as I saw him. He’s a strip club DJ and thinks he’s a smooth talker. He looks a little bit like that guy who got kicked off of Idol and then claimed he did it with Paula. Dajuan is a player also and I didn’t know that but I wouldn’t talk to him anyway because he’s wearing a big red jacket. His nickname is Saduce and wants to sleep with women a lot.
Owen is a professional who wears Armani suits and works late even on special occasions. Suddenly, I feel like Chuck Woolery on Love Connection.
Tiaunte is a pushover who has the coolest name ever. He supported his last girlfriend and can’t wait to get hitched and pop out some little ones. Brandon is also a pushover who hangs out with his grandma and lets his mom mow the lawn.
Mo says that they even have an actual parolee who did eight years in a federal prison. Cut to Sun Ra aka the Seashell. His suit is about three sizes too big for him. He calls himself the foreplay specialist and never has sex with the same woman more than twice. I’m racking my brain for a joke about sex in prison with a guy named bubba but nothing is working for me that’s not highly inappropriate so insert your own prison sex joke here, preferably mocking his self-proclaimed foreplay specialist status.
The URM is Mark, an award winning film director who likes to work with children. He is open to discussion and compromise in his relationships. He also is wearing a very nice suit.
Becky interviews that she’s on her mission to find the URM. Cut to Becky clinking glasses with the Parolee. Hil. Air. Eee. Us.
Mo, Dean Keith, Dean Mikki, and Sex Machine are all watching the party going on, unbeknownst to the girls.
Leilee dances with the Professional. She finds out that he owns a business in Cali. She interviews that since she has been stripping since 17, she knows how to read people. Okay, fine, stripping did give her some good people skills. She asks him about dating and he says that he has gut feelings about dating. She says she’s like that too. They both love shopping. The judges think that he’s got her wrapped around her finger. She interviews that he’s definitely the URM.
Becky talks to one of the pushovers. He talks about how he’s too old to have a family and he’s all whiny. She says that her goal is to talk to every dude. She then talks to the prisoner again about having love and being a sweetheart. Mo yells to the tv for Becky to move away from him. Ha! Becky talks to Red Jacket Player for a minute and then we cut to her interviewing, Next! Double Ha! She gives the Pushover and “oh lord” and interviews that he needs to go back to his mama. Well, he does make his mama mow the lawn.
Brooke, meanwhile, is grinding into crotches. She interviews that she likes to have fun and is good at spotting players. She screams out that it would be more fun if they were naked. Mo is not impressed. I have a feeling Brooke is going home today. Mo says that Brooke is slutacious. I am so using that word over and over again. Then Brooke talks to Red Jacket Player who keeps touching her and she asks him if he likes vaginas. Ew. Then he licks a strawberry and she asks him if he likes to fuck. Ew. Ew. Ewwww. He tells her let’s go. EWWWWW. What’s wrong with her? Low self-esteem, that’s what it is.
Now one of the players is doing incredibly dumb dance moves and Becky is acting like she’s gaga but in a very sarcastic way. Right on, Becky. Brooke is still talking to Red Jacket Player and he takes her into the kitchen where they start mackin it. Mo is embarrassed for Brooke. Brooke interviews that she thought he was a player but he was also the best looking guy there so she didn’t care. To tell you the truth, I have no idea what he looks like because I am mesmerized by the big red jacket. Mo thinks she’s slutty.
Shay is getting along grandly with Seashell the Parolee. However, she interviews that she thinks he’s a player even if he is cute. Leilee is still talking to the Professional. They talk about the movies and then play rock, paper, scissors for no reason. She interviews that this is the man of her dreams.
Brooke is back among the less-slutty and she finds the URM and asks him if he likes to fuck or make love. His answer is an uncomfortable grunt and then she asks if he has time for a relationship. He says something about making things work and she interviews that he’s boring. Seashell Prison comes over and the URM says that it’s up to Brooke whether she wants to talk to him. She leaves the URM for the parolee. The judges all squirm. Seashell wants her to go upstairs and then he calls her a tease. He keeps saying that he wants to go outside and she says no and then Parolee wants her to suck alcohol out of an ice sculpture while he yells “swallow it!” Becky calls her a ho. Ok, I agree. It’s not looking good for Brooke.
Mo can’t stomach it anymore and she says that dark liquor magnifies who you are. Brooke interviews that he was hot. Then she asks someone off camera, Was he hot? Because she was so drunk and can’t remember.
While all the ladies dance with the guys, the URM is in the corner alone. There’s more groping on the dance floor and Brooke grinds between two guys all drunk and holding up her strapless dress. She slurs her words and talks about tits. Then Parolee man says something about stretchmarks and big boobs. In front of Saaphyri. Who’s had it with the ugly men.
And so, the Saaphyri of old comes out. God, I love this. She starts yelling at Parolee that he’s saying shit because no one wants him. He asks, Miss Weave are you okay? She says, I’m fine Mister Seashell. She asks him from which ocean did he get his seashells and then tells him he’s going bald and offers her hair specialty services. Then they go at it. They scream insults. Some of the guys pull him away and he keeps yelling. One of the pushovers takes Saaphyri outside. She still screams. Mo goes to break up the party before Saaphyri gets violent. I wish she wouldn’t. Actually, I wish that she could stop with the angry and simply stick with the funny and I wish she didn’t have hard times at all because I really, really find her amusing and she deserves a really good life.
Mo and Sex Machine ask the ladies to pin their flowers on the guy they think is the URM. Some guys have more than one flower. Sex Machine starts with Owen. Leilee says that she gave him her flower. Sex Machine explains that Owen is the professional who uses money to pick up women and downplays their intelligence. Leilee is shocked and doesn’t get it. Exactly.
Shay and Saaphyri chose the mom-as-lawn-mower pushover.
Becky and Brooke chose Tiante, also a pushover.
No one chose Mark. He’s the URM. Because no one chose the URM, everyone lost. No surprise there.
The next day, the girls rehash the prom. Saaphyri says that she wants to party with Brooke in real life and Brooke says that she was so bored so she had to amp up the party. And possibly lose 50 grand? Dumb choice. Brooke says that they’re all Urban Renaissance Women. PA Mo tells them to check the bulletin board for instructions.
The instructions say that they all got played and Mo was shocked by their behavior. She makes them decide who was the best and the worst of the Charm School class. The best will have immunity. The worst will be called to the carpet. Let the bickering and backstabbing begin!
Brooke thinks that she best represents the class. Saaphyri says that Brooks is an embarrassment to all the mamas of the world and is a hooker. She also says that she didn’t get angry at all last night—cut to the fight that ended the prom. Shay says that Saaphyri should have walked away. Saaphyri brings up the stolen pictures. Again! Let it rest, dammit! Leilee says that she probably didn’t do the best because she spent too much time with one guy. They all say that she didn’t spend enough time with everyone. She agrees. I don’t know why they keep accusing her of something that she already admits to. She explains that she was having an amazing conversation and that’s why she didn’t mingle. Which makes sense in a real-world setting, but this was a competition. Then she says that she played rock, paper, scissors, and that’s deep. Jeez.
The girls break up the meeting and Saaphyri tells Leilee that Brooke wants Leilee to go. Brooke tells Shay that she can get Leilee to vote for Shay as the best if they all vote Saaphyri for the worst. Brooke tells Leilee that this has nothing to do with friendship and that they can create a tie. Leilee asks Brooke to go slower because she has a problem following words. She says that she’s not an audio learner. She apparently needs diagrams. Cut to Saaphyri who has it all written out. Leilee is confused. So much for visual learning. Leilee? Is an idiot.
Leilee grabs a notebook to go by herself downstairs to figure it out on her own. Brooke says that she needs people to give her numbers and can’t do it alone. Leilee says she’s at least going to eat. Brooke says fine but not to do it alone.
Finally, they all need to cast their votes by hidden ballot. Shay thinks that Becky is not her friend anymore because Becky is probably voting for Saaphyri for the best. Reality tv is not a place for friendships to grow.
Dean Mikki tells them that Becky won with two votes. Brooke and Saaphyri tied for worst but then the tie was broken by Leilee who voted Brooke the worst. Umm, why did Mikki tell them who voted for whom? And why is Leilee’s vote the deciding vote? One of the other ones could have been the “deciding” vote. This is dumb dumb dumb. Stop causing drama. Dumb.
Now Brooke and Leilee fight. Leilee says that Brooke didn’t carry herself right or represent the school in a good way. Brooke tells Leilee to look at her when she speaks and Leilee says that she’s not a little girl. No, Larissa was the little girl and a sociopath and she’s gone now. More fighting and some background giggling. Brooke says that she’s 21. She’s 21? Really? I thought she was in her 30s. Seriously.
Brooke says that everyone knows Leilee will go back to stripping. Leilee interviews that Brooke is a slut and at least strippers get paid. Technically, sluts get paid, too, because “slut” was originally slang for prostitute, but in the way she’s using it, yeah, okay, Brooke doesn’t earn a living by sleeping around. She earns other things like yeast infections and pregnancy scares. Brooke screams that she’s not Leilee’s friend and that Leilee is fake.
Elimination Ceremony Time!
Mo calls Brooke, Leilee, and Saaphyri to the carpet.
Dean Keith tells Leilee that he was disappointed that she didn’t consider the competition and she spent most of the time with the man she was most attracted to. Dean Mikki says she did a reverse turn.
Keith tells Saaphyri that she recognized that she would have a problem with the parolee and tried to keep away but couldn’t avoid conflict altogether. Mikki tells her not to let anyone bait her.
Keith claps for Brooke and says that she was ready to engage with everyone. He tells her a quote his mom told him—You can put as much lipstick on a pig as you want but it’s not going to make her a lady. Ouch! That’s two weeks in a row that Keith has brought on the fury. Mikki tells Brooke that she was disgraceful.
Mo tells Saaphyri that she was surprised at her fight and even though he was wrong, she lost control. Still, Saaphyri wasn’t the worst and she goes back to the stairs. Mo tells Leilee that she deserves more and needs to figure out what she doesn’t want. She sends Leilee back to the stairs.
Mo tells Brooke that she was an embarrassment because of the drunkenness and prostitution. Brooke defends herself by saying that the lesson taught her to find the URM. Mo asks if Sex Machine taught her to suck an ice sculpture or let a man put his hands all over her body. Heehee. Mo says she feels bad because it’s the first time that Brooke has been on the carpet and now she’s there as the whore of Charm School. Brooke says that she’s not a whore. Mo corrects herself and says that Brooke’s behavior was whore-like. Brooke gets expelled for sluttin it up hardcore.
Brooke cries that Mo said nothing nice and simply called her a whore and how can anyone look up to that. Boohoo, whore. Heehee. Sorry, that was just too funny to pass up. Mo wishes Brooke the very best of life and Brooke doesn’t believe her and says that she’s not a saint and never said she was. Mo tells her to love herself and Brooke says she does. She doesn’t. When you act like that, you just don’t. There’s a big difference between that and Samantha on Sex and the City, you know what I mean?
Brooke storms out and says, Leilee you’re next, and then, No I’m not gonna spit, America. Then she screams that she’s not the whore of Charm School. Mo interviews that Brooke was expelled because she was slutacious. She was the whore of Charm School. A slutacious whore, and then she cracks up at what she’s saying and that’s the best moment of Mo the whole season. Finally, she’s funny and laughing.
Mo dismisses the class and calls after them to get ready for their final exams. Mo tells the judges that there’s never a dull moment. Only slutatious ones, I guess. Such a good word.
Are you slutacious? Email me, chat in the forums, and see why I’m an Impulse All-Star.
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