Honestly, I think we can name each episode commentary after something cartoonish and buffoonish that comes out of Silvio DiSal's mouth. This week's installment brought out that winner about the macaroni. As I have previously pointed out, it must be an old-school Bronx Italian thing, because to my dad every type of pasta was macaroni. However, Silvio's plea to his equally-oppressive-on-the-ears wife came as she defiantly decided to get in the bizarrely placed hot air balloon and not in the kitchen.
Speaking of that balloon, why was it even in the episode? And was it tethered to the ground? It didn't even go up in the air! What a friggin weird show this is!
I made a vow not to mock children in this column. And I will stick with it, but boy, that Faverey girl is making it very, very difficult on me. Instead, I will mock mom and dad. My evidence before the court - the "nobody touch me" scene. In it, the girl shouts that line and goes to cower in the corner. When no one reacts, she comes out and asks why nobody feels bad for her and says that they have to so she can win.
You know how that behavior develops? That kind of constant craving for attention? Because it gets indulged for far too long. I don't think I have ever seen a kid - on TV or in person - who has had more of a desperate plea for attention than she has. Couple in the hysterics after they mercifully lost and my theory is complete. Mom and Dad Faverey? STOP LETTING HER TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU! Because, boy, I can't imagine those outbursts as a teenager.
As for the show itself, really, it's hard to find too many plot points to go over when there really isn't a plot. What do you do with these things ...
1. A pie eating contest for a gift shop shopping spree
2. The aforementioned tethered balloon to nowhere
3. A challenge prize of a private jet to ... Phoenix.
4. The most excitement shown to mannequins this side of Andrew McCarthy
5. The loudest burp in reality show history
OK, so the pies were a bit interesting. This was this week's unofficial King of the Road challenge - eat half the pie at the halfway point on the trip. Family who gets the most in the time limit wins.
How about some more lists? Along with Amy DiSal's amazing sonic boom of a burp, we got this:
1. Silvio daintily eating around the edges of the pie to avoid getting his hair and perfect tan ruined. Seriously, dude is a cartoon character.
2. Monty family had a strategy for eating pie with no hands. Aaaaand, it involved dad cutting it in half with his tongue. Just the thought of eating something my dad dug his tongue into makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
3. Monty Mom had a blueberry in her nose. And she ate it.
4. Blake DiSal, the ironic voice of reason this season, commenting about Mrs. Faverey spitting the pie back and dad Faverey eating it. And how it made him stop eating. And me too. Still, I mean that's like Freddy eating his puke in Amazing Race 6 levels of gross.
5. Monty family wins a challenge. Hey, it wasn't the Cootes! And then they had a group prayer before the gift shop shopping spree. Something tells me that if there is a God, blessing reality show shopping sprees is low on his To Do list. Right up there with helping singers win Grammy Awards.
Hey, this list thing is fun! How about a list of five annoying things from the travel montage?
1. That Faverey girl's outburst. I still want to give her a retroactive series of time outs.
2. Another Applebee’s product placement. Did you know they have Carside to Go service? Now you do.
3. The Killer Storm!!! I mean, I expected a convoy of trucks led by Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton to go rolling in next to a flying cow. That was ridiculous, it's rain. Just drive slowly and don't be an a-hole.
4. The wigwam motel ... I guess we need to be thankful no one did any bad Indian jokes.
5. I think I block out everything precocious done by the Coote boy. It's one of my powers.
So no more lists. The King of the Road challenge was to unload a bunch of mannequins onto a plane and strap them in. The obvious strategy that would work would be the assembly line. A kid and a parent unload the bus, a kid and a parent put them in seats, then all of them strap the mannequins in.
Of course, no one really does this. Several families just do a free for all. I mean the airplanes look like the pilot of Lost. It looks like the "crash positions" scene in Airplane! It looks like my college dorm room.
DiSals get their asses kicked with only 29 done. Favereys and Monty Family each get 46 and are barely edged by the Pollards' 47 and the Coote's 49. Amie Pollard then gives us the most fake congratulations ever seen outside of the Stanley Cup Playoffs.
The Cootes then get a trip to a spa in Phoenix. And steak. Good for them.
The End of the Road challenge is in the giant New Mexico crater. I was kind of hoping for a trip to Area 51. Instead we get the catapulting of random things into the air and a memory challenge. Well, who could ask for more than that?
DiSals think the phone was a VHS tape or a purse. Somehow Amy could identify three irons tied together. Blah blah blah. Anyway, the DiSals actually are good at this one as they stop fighting; listen to their amazingly smart and wise children, and place the items in order before the other families can blink. Montys and Favereys scramble, and the Favereys are beaten. And not in the way we may have been hoping.
A couple of Roadside Attractions:
* Silvio calling Sandy Richter the Grim Reeep-ah.
* Favereys went nuts over missing taking photos of cows. I'm sure those shots of cows in the distance taken from a moving RV would have been prize-worthy.
* I like the Cootes, but boy, I'm actually hoping they lose one of these at some point. But given the choice of Cootes, Montys, Pollards and DiSals...I guess the Cootes are the way to go. Maybe the Montys.
* Next week - Silvio discovers that America. Is. Beautiful. He should totally write that song.
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