It's A Giracle!: KG's My Life On The D List, S5, Ep3
Now With Michael McDonald
This week we get to see if all the Grammy campaigning will pay off. Kathy Griffin and Tom go to the afternoon version of the awards, which she calls the Shmammies (much like how she calls the Emmys the Schmemmies). She loses to George Carlin. It’s not a bad loss; it’s not like she lost to Carrot Top or Miss Maybelle.
To feed her pain, she and Tom go to a taqueria, still decked out in their evening wear. Then later on in the evening, after the real Grammys, they go to the official after-party. There are no celebrities there except for KG. There’s also some odd hippie freaky blonde-afroed circus chick dancing around her and Tom.
At home, KG cuddles with her Emmys to make her feel better. She gets a box of Paula Deen crap from Paula Deen along with an invitation to her house in Savanna. To prepare for the trip, KG asks MamaMaggie for a good recipe. She comes up with ham and spinach roll-ups and sloppy joes, neither of which KG will cook.
KG, Team G, and Michael McDonald arrive at the Deen abode, which is perfectly country. Tiffany wants to work for Paula. PD announces that, because of all the dogs, they have to be on Turd Alert. They all meet Brandon, PD’s gay. They go upstairs to see the guest room—it’s amazingly decorated—and they find out that MM and KG will share it later on. KG is scared of MM doing weird things with his penis.
They all head to the garden. PD shows them how to hit someone with a switch, using Tom for the example. Then KG goes to hit MM and manages, instead, to whack Paula Deen in the face.
Paula Deen puts them to work in the kitchen, telling them to each make something. Tom makes Frat Boy Pizzas, which are English muffin pizzas. MM makes something with scallops. Tiffany makes enchilada casserole—Tiffiladas. KG makes Cake Soup, two pieces of chocolate cake blended into a vat of vanilla ice cream.
Time for the tasting. PD enjoys Tom’s pizzas even though they look like dog treats. She doesn’t like the scallops so much, but she swallows them anyway. She loves Tiff’s enchiladas even before she tastes the dish. She also likes Kathy’s Cake Soup. Then she kicks everyone out of the kitchen so she can cook a five course meal that includes deep fried chicken made in a deep fryer that is built into her kitchen counter.
At dinner, they all meet PD’s two sons. KG leacherously gloms onto Bobby because he’s single. She thinks if she wins him over, she’ll win over the South. KG tells PD about Tom’s penchant for pulling out his eyebrows and eyelashes, and PD says she does the same thing. She goes to pluck out an eyelash and an entire row of fake ones comes off.
Brandon, who has since gotten smashed on gin, comes over to fix her up, calling her a gay-tastrophe. Then he hopes for a gay miracle—a giracle.
KG later on climbs into PD’s bed to talk. This is becoming a pattern. They chat about PD’s empire. One of the dogs starts snoring. Then another one throws up on the bed.
At bedtime, PD tucks in KG and MM, which is a little weird, no? I have no idea where Tom and Tiff are sleeping. MM wants he and KG to say something nice to each other since it’s their first time sleeping in the same room. She says she wants to pummel him with a bloody tampon. He promises to make her morning a living hell.
The next day, Team G goes to PD’s restaurant to work. KG is serving ho-cakes to everyone. They look yummy. She asks PD for a raise and continues to complain about how heavy her tray is. They are all moving rather slowly. PD says that they are good at what they do but they suck at the restaurant business. KG learns to kiss everyone on the head because that’s how PD greets people in her restaurant. Since she can’t do that at shows, KG kisses as many people as possible in the dining room while serving her ho-cakes.
I think I want my new nickname to be ho-cake. It’s so sweet and so sinful all at once.
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