I Specifically Asked You Not To Be Slutty: Rock of Love Bus, Episode 7

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	Published: 03-01-2009
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I Specifically Asked You Not To Be Slutty: Rock of Love Bus, Episode 7

Don't Be Whorey Either

Bret, My Darling Dear,

Taya is Pent of the Year! Good for you two! Or maybe it’s Pet of the Year. I’m not too familiar with the lingo. You most likely are. You know what I’m saying.

We already had Mudbowl. Must we also have Truck Stop Games? I thought we were going to Alabama. We’re still in Tennessee. I don’t know why I’m writing this letter as if I’m on the bus with you.

I love that you’re making teams by reading names off of a card. You still don’t know everyone’s name by heart. You’ve just used awesome twice within three seconds. That may be a record.

Now you’re stooping to product placement with a full vat of Bret’s Brew in the beer belly flop tank. Come on.

I’ll admit that I’m impressed with Kami’s stripper skills. Judging from your wide open jaw drop, you’re impressed, too. You couldn’t stay away from the working the pole pun. I’m glad you did it before I did. It’s obligatory during a stripper contest.

I will now shamefully admit that I’m also impressed with Ashley’s on-her-knees slide on the Slip N Slide during the hot dog relay. I’m further impressed that no one made any wiener jokes.

Now that you’re hearing Bev and Kami don’t want to have you screw other girls if either one of them is in a relationship with you, you probably don’t want them. Their cake should be enough, but you have a tendency to want your cake, eat it too, and then have some rhubarb pie and a side of ice cream. Wow, did you call her Kamilicious? Really, Bret-yonce? Your defense is weak. There’s a difference between always being surrounded by girls and sleeping with them. Unless, of course, you constantly have an erect naked penis out while being surrounded. I shouldn’t assume you don’t. Never mind.

On one hand, Kami’s smart for leaving. On the other, what the fuck did she think being on tour with you was going to be like?

The amusement park date is kind of awesome. This is what Farrah thinks of you and Kelsey: “She looks like she’s kissing her dad. That’s kind of weird.” I need not comment further.

You say you want to be the only drunken fool. Man, that’s too easy. I’m not gonna touch it.

Hooray! Now for the scene I’ve been waiting for. Ever since the teaser after the first episode, I’ve been waiting to hear Big John say these immortal words to Kelsey and Farrah: I specifically asked you not to be slutty and whorey. Man, I love Big John. His pep talk to Kelsey, telling her that she’s put in so much effort and she has a good shot at this thing, is priceless.

Dude, what’s up with your hair? I know you sang your heart out on stage, but you could run a comb through that before suiting up with your bandana for elimination.

Hmm, perhaps Big John should have consulted with you before his pep talk to Kelsey since you’ve eliminated her for freaking out and crying on a speed bump. In my book, that’s awesome. In yours, not. Yet one more reason we are so not compatible. Speed bumps.

Hugs,
Christina

**Got a P. S. for Bret? Email me and chat in the forums.

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