The Lust Bus: Rock of Love Bus, Episode 1
Exciting And New
Dear Bret,
You cannot fool me. Rock of Love Bus is nothing more than Rock of Love 3. I saw your interview on Chelsea Lately. I know you think you’re avoiding the third season curse by calling your show something other than what it actually is. This season is Rock of Love 3: On The Road. You can call a pig a goose, but it’s still a pig. Sorry, I think I just called your bus a pig, which was, believe it or not, completely unintentional. You know what I mean.
See? You get me so flustered. In the words of Joan Jett, I hate myself for loving you.
Anyway, as a compromise, I’ve decided to let you call your show Rock of Love Bus while I call it The Lust Bus. Onward.
This photo session is interesting. Beautiful pictures of hot bodies usually aren’t the type of picture on a security pass, but it does fit your style. I don’t know if you’re keeping track of what you’re saying, so let me recap for you. Your turn ons include: Natural Born Killers, tattoos, pants, girls who sit on the floor, Utah, sexy confidence, hotness, and taking pictures.
Omigod, how much do I already love Big John? When he introduces that strung out blonde chick? “This is Nikki, Tribe, something, whatever.” Hil. Air. Eee. Us. When’s Big John getting his own show? Speaking of DJ Nikki Tribe Something Whatever, are boobs that big really attractive? More importantly, are they functional? Are they practical? I would think they’d get in the way.
And there it is. Your first hi-yooooooo! Jeez. I thought we’d discussed that. Or at least I discussed it and pretended that you read it and agreed. Thank you, though, for admitting that you use “awesome” way too much. You’ve got me saying it all the time. I take that as a sign that you’re trying to cut down. Replace it with something else; instead of awesome, say Pickles! or Protractor! or Amagansett! You’ll learn to stop it.
Just to let you know, Mindy may stalk you. Forever.
If you have eyes in the back of your head, how can they see through your bandana? In case your extra eyes missed it, Farrah and Gia and Nikki Tribe Something Whatever are humping each other. Gia is eating Farrah’s crotch. Through her dress, of course! Because that’s classy.
Okay, did you actually take the vagina shot? Did you actually do the shot in the tube that Gia posted in her hoo-ha-hole? Really? Seriously? I don’t see why any of the other girls would stay there if you do. I mean, behind closed doors, mack it up, but sticking your face in a girl’s naked lady parts in public is not a point winner in my book. I suppose that’s why I’m at home and not on the Lust Bus.
Ooh, you with your lost voice is sexy. Did I just compliment you? I think so. Moving on.
That taste that you can’t quite put your finger on is puke. Marcia drank two bottles of tequila and vomited right before she shoved her tongue in your mouth. Again, I don’t see why any of the other girls would kiss you after that. I would’ve taken you into the bathroom and shoved Listerine down your throat. In fact, I would’ve stopped you from kissing her altogether. I don’t see how throwing up and kissing someone is a good tradition.
BTW—what’s up with your sideburns?
I really like Beverly because she seems like a normal person who truly digs your music and can still hold her own in a bar fight and a keg stand. That means you won’t choose her. Because you make bad choices.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! I love how you’ve granted access to thirteen girls all at once. Can every elimination ceremony be like this? Short!
Spoke too soon. As usual. Now that you’ve whittled it down to seven girls, you’ve decided to show us all your math skills. Thirteen and now seven. Five go home. That means two go on. Now one gets a pass. Now there’s six girls and five still go home, which means one gets on. Why are you suddenly Rainman?
I don’t see how you can make the decision to keep Marcia after she choked Natural Born Killers Lady. That can’t be your call. Isn’t that the call of the producers? Don’t all people who use physical violence get kicked off? Unless, of course, it was planned or scripted. I’ve never thought your show was scripted. I’ve called it everything else, and I’ve even speculated about the producers putting thoughts into your head or the girls’ heads or setting up certain situations, but never did I think a fight would be scripted. So I’m not sure what’s going on here. Why would you want to keep around a woman who choked someone AND kissed you with puke mouth? One or the other I could see letting slide, but both? You are a forgiving kind of guy.
Omigod, did you just say “Thank you, and good night!”? Oh, yes, yes you did.
It’s good to have you back in my living room. I have to admit that this show has not completely irked me as I thought it would. Let’s give it some time. I’m sure it’ll start grating on my nerves soon enough.
Love you forever,
Christina
Got a P. S. for Bret? Email me by clicking on my envelope (yup, still sounds dirty). Chat in the forums.
To escape the harshness of reality, you can get more Gossip Girl, check out the new 90210, or follow The Unromancing of Roma.
|
The comments are owned by the poster. We aren't responsible for their content.
|
|
|
