America’s Toughest Jobs, Premiere – If You Puke In The Sink, You’re Doing Dishes
So, let’s give this show a shot, what do you think?
This is a competition show, so in the spirit of Survivor, Top Chef, The Amazing Race and others, let’s see if we can break it down from week to week. After this first episode, it looks like it might be quite interesting. I will just say this first before we continue: I would not be able to do ANYTHING on this show. So all my criticisms… grain of salt, folks.
So Not Phil Keoghan is standing on some giant super structure in some random city and is giving his opening spiel. He tells us that this is a chance of a lifetime for these folks to change their jobs. America has been built by hardworking men and women and some of them took a dangerous path, a life of big risk and big reward. Thirteen people are taking part in this event and some blonde woman says that she can’t sit behind a desk anymore.
Not Phil calls this the adventure of a lifetime as we get a montage of scenes from the upcoming season. Bullfighting. Someone saying these people have no idea what they are in for. Someone talking about losing a finger. You know, typical things that I have every day in my job staring at the computer screen and talking to government agencies.
Not Phil says they will travel to remote, spectacular locations and work tough, backbreaking jobs with crazy bosses. Tempers will flare and they will learn about themselves. One guy says that this is not a game show, and he is wrong. This is a game show, just not one that will ever see Wink Martindale.
Not Phil’s name is Josh Temple. Hi, Josh. He says that it is time to punch the clock on America’s Toughest Jobs!
We get some serious Amazing Race-ish camera movements as we whoosh into Dutch Harbor, Alaska and the first job: crab fishing in the Bering Sea. The Announcer gives a voiceover that is so annoying that I can’t even describe it. Ok, let me try. It sounds like a junior high school student trying to read the attendance report over the loudspeaker before homeroom. Stilted and no inflection, it is like nails on a chalkboard. I will keep the Announcer’s exposition to a minimum wherever I can. However, I do kind of dig the ridiculously flowery language used at times. Like this one…
"The contestants will spend two bone chilling, sleep deprived and perilous days on board as junior deckhands or Green Horns." Heh. There are better ones later on.
They will be split onto two boats, six on the Tempo Sea or the Yellow Team with Captain “Kiwi” John Hansen. May I add that this is an awesome name!! Kiwi says that these folks look like “city dwellers” in for a rude awakening. The other seven will be aboard the Fierce Allegiance or the Red Team, with Captain Tony LaRussa. I would like to say that the St. Louis Cardinals’ manager is really branching out here. And he has also let himself go.
It is 7:03 PM and they are ready to go. Brian the Deckhand says that the 13 do not know what they are in for and don’t have the “slightest idea what it takes to be a crabber.”
Announcer tells us that crab fishing is one of the deadliest jobs on earth. There is nearly a 100% injury rate. Big deal, my office has an almost 100% paper cut rate. There have been 80 killed in the Bering Sea since 1990. Damn. They face sub-freezing cold, ice, 30 foot waves, 40 knot winds, and sea serpent attacks. Ok, I added that last one, but still, that’s some crazy danger.
Chris, an investment banker, 49, from Queens, calls this a man’s world. I wonder if this will come back to bite him later on? Meanwhile, Chris is working next to Michaela, a recruiter, 25, from Boston, and Brian the Deckhand says that she is basically kicking his ass. She gives a big WOOO.
Moki the Deck Boss thinks they may have a tough time. Ben, a carpenter, 28, from Boston, is excited, but thinks he should be scared. I think that he looks like Jason Castro’s older brother.
The contestants will sort, bait and launch thirty 800-lb steel pots (basically, giant cages) in search of crabs. They will then pull them out of the sea and sort the crabs by legal size and type. They will spend two days aboard doing this. Then the captains will select the worst two workers on their ships and those four will have to go out and do it again. Ouch. That is a tough penalty.
Temple is on dry land – he is a smart host – and tells us that the 13 will launch into the cold, dark Bering Sea. Meanwhile, he will go to the bar and kick back with some wings and beer.
9:12 PM: Sandy, a school teacher, 26, from Winnie, TX, is pulling on some “freakin’ gargantuan boots” like she is on the “freakin’ moon.” Thanks for cleaning it up for us Sandy.
They are heading 80 miles NNW of Dutch Harbor and the contestants are lined up on deck for a Maritime ritual. Red Team Deck Boss Mike, who is the coolest thing about this first episode, tells them to each take a fish out of a bucket and pray to the Crab Gods that they will “all come home safe with a pocket full of money.” He tells them, as Moki tells the Yellow Team, to bite off the head and eat it. I instantly say that this is no ritual other than the crab fisherman version of pledge hazing. Next, they will have to read the Greek Alphabet backwards while doing pushups naked.
Rie, a model, 34, from Portland, says that she may be Asian, but doesn’t eat sushi. I have never seen fish head California Rolls in any sushi restaurant I have ever visited. Any of my Top Chef friends want to take on that Quickfire Challenge?
Several contestants gag and spit, but Amy, a Wall Street executive, 40, from Boston, says that she is allergic and will die if she does it. A deckhand tells her just to rip it off, but she says even that will kill her. That’s some hard core fish allergy; or complete bull. You decide. Sandy thinks that if you don’t have the balls to bite off a herring, you don’t have the balls for this show. Her words, folks. I think Sandy is pretty cool.
Amy still can’t do it, so Eric, a sculptor, 53, from Long Beach, CA, leans over and does it for her. He tells us that he had three of them. He has some wild, crazy eyes that make me think he was living on the streets in Long Beach when they found him.
Their first duty: prepare the bait. They basically have to take about 1600 pounds of frozen herring and put the individual 40-pound blocks into a crusher. Deck Boss Mike says that everyone should respect the chopper with “all of your life because it will take your hand off in a second.” Remember, 100% injury rate!
Amy can’t lift the 40-pound block of fish over her head and into the chopper. Why is she on this show at all? Did she think this was casting for America’s Got No Talent? She tells us that this wasn’t her favorite activity. As we later learn, throwing 40-pound blocks of fish into the chopper is like a morning stretch to these guys. I love how she is mocked behind her back by the cigarette smoking deck hand. Amy again interviews that she likes doing the nasty jobs and the challenge and that this is truly living life. Going to the Ritz Carlton spa is not living life. I would imagine it involves less fish though.
After two hours, they move on to gutting cod. It involves slicing down the back, stabbing the stomach and, well, gutting fish. Basically, they need to hook the gutted cod and the bucket full of herring to the giant cage and dump it into the water. It goes to the bottom and crabs are lured in by the oils from the herring and then they feed off the cod. We get to see this thanks to the Giant Cage Camera that shows the crabs climbing aboard for their last meal. One crab looks right at us. It reminds me of the Simpsons where Homer goes into space and lets the ant farm loose (it really makes sense in context) in the capsule. When an ant floats past the camera, Kent Brockman thinks it is an ant invasion. I say we all hail our conquering Crab Overlords from deep under the sea.
11:02 PM: It is 19 degrees and Announcer tells us that the contestants have experienced the “brutal cocktail of waves, fish guts and diesel fuel” and it is taking its toll. I have had the cocktail in college, really gets you hammered. Rick, who we haven’t met yet, is puking over the side. Deck Hand gives him a bait jar. Seriously, these deck hands are tough boys. Rick looks up and says “America’s Toughest Jobs!” That is a great way to sell the show.
Commercials – DeNiro. Pacino. It’s about time, guys.
We are back, and Sandy is puking too. Kiwi mentions that she has gone over the rail about four times. At 2:03 AM, a gull flies over. Not sure if that matters or anything, but it looked cool. It is time for some eats! BACON! Just what you want when seasick.
Steven, a college graduate, 22, from Dallas, calls it the Breakfast of Champions. Like little chocolate donuts. On the Fierce Allegiance, Senta is throwing up in the sink. Awesome Mike says, “Sorry, but if you puke in the sink, you’re doing dishes.” Ha! Good. Friggin'. Rule.
On the Tempo Sea, Amy is making some giant grilled cheese sandwiches. She is told that they actually have a bread knife, so no need to starch it up that much. She says it is her first time using a skillet, let alone a stove (She’s 40!). She says she has no f’n clue how to cook and turned off her NYC stove and keeps books in it. Editors have fun with that line because it couldn’t make her more of an East Coast Elite if they tried.
After a short nap, they are back out again at 5:06am. Awesome Mike says that it is a “beautiful, glorious day out there. We’re gonna make some money, right?” Senta? Still puking. Rick is better, though. He is a VP of a software company, 35, from Loudon, NH. He says the previous night was rough, but he “woke up, chunked once, and is good to go.” Rick may be tougher than I thought. Of course that was how I spent my senior year in college.
Now they are dragging the pots (giant cages) over to the launching pad. They do so with a 10-pound grappling hook to drag over to the pad. Then they must knock it over onto the pad – remember, 800 pounds. Then attach the 40-pound bait apparatus to the inside, drape another 50 pounds of line (called a shot) on top and after tying the doors shut, throw the whole thing in the water along with an attached buoy.
Awesome Mike tells them to keep their feet on the deck at all times when the pot goes over. “If you get caught in the line, you go over into the ocean and we will not find you,” he bellows. Important safety tip. Rick comments about how they were hastily showed how to do this task and then expected to do it.
At 7:02am, on the job for 12 hours now, they are told to pick up the pace. Rommel, a karate teacher, 28, from Blackwood, NJ, says that it was a lot to do and is worried about Amy. First things first, who names their kid Rommel? Were Goering and Himmler not options?
Anyway, Amy tosses her buoy and bonks Eric on the noggin. She gets understandably ripped apart for almost killing Crazy Eric. The line could have wrapped around him and taken him down into the ocean. She says that she wanted to throw by lifting her leg, but was told to keep her feet on the deck. Oh, come on. Stop being so literal!
That begs the question, just how much safety is there? If he got taken over the side, how do they save him? There must be SOOOO much insurance taken out on this show.
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