Coffee Cake Empire Goes Belly Up: Flavor of Love 3, Episode 9
Mo' Money Mo' Problems
Even though Flav has commented about the fighting in the house being never-ending, he hasn’t gotten angry about it. We all know that Flav doesn’t like violence. This week, Flav loses his shit because he’s fed up with it. At last, we’ll be entertained.
Hotlanta finds out that she’s being evicted because she spent the rent money to fly out to be on the show. Priorities! That’s a great way to start your day. Why didn’t VH1 pay for the flight? Hopefully, they’ll pay for her to fly home so she doesn’t have to hitch it home.
Flav gathers the girls and proposes to them. They have to pretend to marry him—write vows and write objection letters. Thing 1, Thing 2, and Sinceer team up. Hotlanta, Tree, and Seesinz come together. Seesinz thinks Hotlanta is a good teammate for this challenge because Hotlanta already thinks she’s married to Flav. Heeheheeeeeee! Hotlanta actually spends most of the prep time drinking. Luscious D, Black, and Phototype are the last team. Oh, her name is still Prototype. Big Rick (yeay Big Rick!) goes around to the teams and tells them who they need to object to.
Flav waits outside in his tux and stupid white horned sunglasses. Black is first and says her vows about friend chicken. Flav reads the vows and Tree interrupts to object. She puts on some weird psuedo-southern accent. I thought Tree was an actress. She’s really bad. Everyone thinks she’s an ass. flav says he thinks that lady was drinkin and Black calls her crazy. Black and Flav kiss but they aren’t actually married.
Hotlanta is next and she’s drunk. She opens the folder that has her vows and a lot of pages spill out and it’s supposed to be a joke because it looks really long, but no one laughs. Hotlanta is drunk during her interview, too. Flav reads vows about cleaning his teeth and Sinceer objects. Sinceer says that Hotlanta has no backbone, no body, is trashy, and can’t provide a stable environment for her kids. Sinceer says you can’t change a ho into a housewife. Hotlanta interviews that she runs a house with no problems. Apparently, she forgot she’s being evicted. Flav keeps saying WOW over and over. Hotlanta stands there with a stupid smile on her drunk face. Then she interviews that Flav may not be man enough for him.
Thing 2 is the next wife. Once again, someone gets Flav’s name wrong. Thing calls him William Drake and his name is William Drayton. I think William Drake was a pirate or the manufacturer of coffee cakes or something. This season, they have managed to spell both his stage name and his real name wrong. Nice going, girls. Now Flav says Drakes makes cakes so maybe it’s a common confusion. She then calls him her confident instead of her confidant but no one seems to care. Then Flav curses but warms the rest of them that he will. Prototype objects by saying Thing doesn’t know his name, not all of her toes are painted, and she’s wearing the wrong bra for her dress. Flav macks it with Thing 2 because he liked her vows even though she got his name wrong. Viking Flav says it felt like a wedding.
Flav tells Tree that she’s too dramatical. He tells Thing 2 she did a slammin job. He chooses Thing 2 as the winner. The winning team is moving on to the next round. They need to put on black dresses and write eulogies for his funeral. The best eulogy wins the girl a one-on-one date.
They go inside and Flav is lying in a casket. The casket is lined with leopard. The girls are all in black. Thing 1 gives her eulogy about him being a good dad. Then Flav starts giggling. Thing 1 starts giggling. Then all the girls and Big Rick are laughing.
Thing 2 goes next. She says Flav standed his ground in entertainment and he’s a loss to the music business. She macks it with dead Flav at the end.
Sinceer is last. She calls Flav an angel on earth and says he gave African-Americans self-pride. She refers to Fight The Power. She’s crying. I wonder if she knows that he’s still alive.
The priest says that the speeches were beautiful. He wonders what the deceased has to say about it. Then off come the stupid sunglasses and Flav’s eyes open and he sits up like a zombie awakening from the dead. Despite the idiocy of this entire show, I still enjoy Flav immensely. He’s got such a good heart and sense of humor.
Flav tells them that they all did a good job. He said the realest eulogy was Sinceer’s. She gets the solo date. Viking Flav says that her eulogy and her objection speech were both the best.
Another Flav-O-Gram arrives for the girls. It says that the old girls need to decide which of the new girls is really there for him and which is definitely not.
Hotlanta is drunk again.
The old girls interview Prototype. She says she’s a manager and a Miller Lite model. The girls thinks he has stretch marks. She says she’s met Flav before but didn’t give him her number.
Black is next. First they ask her if she’s white and how her parents feel about her dating Flav. She says her kid is mixed and she thinks Flav is fun. They ask if she’s physically attracted to him and she doesn’t answer directly.
Luscious D is third. They ask her what she knows about Flav and she says she knows him from Surreal Life.
Tree is last. They ask why she’s there and she says she wants to get to know Flav better. She whispers all her answers. They ask her if she’s physically attracted to him. She says eyes don’t get wrinkles when people get old.
The girls discuss their findings and they call Protoype “photocopy.” I don’t know if they realize that’s not her name. They decide that Black is mostly there for Flav out of the four new girls. Flav comes to the kitchen and takes Black upstairs to his room. He tells her to put on something more comfortable. She’s wearing a t-shirt and sweats—how is that not comfortable?
Oh, by comfortable, he meant, put on lingerie. Which she does. They drink a little and then they mack it. A lot. He says she’ll grow on her and she says he already is. I think that might be an erection joke but they don’t realize it.
The next day, Flav takes Sinceer out on her date. As soon as they leave, Hotlanta starts bemoaning the fact that Flav didn’t speak up for her during the wedding ceremony when Sinceer called her a bad mother. The new girls tell her that Sinceer told them that Hotlanta’s there to get money. Hotlanta tells them that Flav isn’t rich and that the house isn’t his and he already has seven kids and that’s a lot of child support. While I don’t think Flav is Bill Gates rich, I think the man has money.
For the date, Flav and Sinceer fly in a biplane. They mack it in the plane. Then the engine cuts out and the pilot says, “um this isn’t good” and he hopes Flav didn’t push the button in the front. Then he yells, “Oh gosh we’re going down” and calls for mayday. He shouts to Flav to pull some lever and finally they level out. That isso not believable. I need a biplane expert to weigh in here. How can there be one button not accessible to the pilot that can make the plane go down? Stupid.
When Flav gets back, no one talks about his near death. He calls Luscious D over to get to know her. He asks if she has kids. She says she has dogs. Flav doesn’t like dogs and wants three more kids.
Tree gets some time with Flav next and asks if she can bring a girl to join them. Hotlanta thinks that Tree wants to have a threesome. She tells Flav everything that Hotlanta said. She says she never said that Flav was broke and she will never have a man support her. Flashback to getting money out of Jerry. Then they all go inside so Flav can get to the bottom of it. Tree reiterates the conversation and Flav asks who heard her say it. Black and Luscious D corroborate the story. He says the house is his and he’s not broke and no one knows about his child issues. He shows all the money he has in his pockets. One of the twins calls Hotlanta money hungry and then the two of them get into each other’s faces to scream some more. Then Flav screams OHHHHH, EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP. He sends some of the girls to their rooms.
Hotlanta and Flav talk about what she said in his room. She says that he’s not a real man if he can’t see the real her. He thanks her for her honesty and she leaves.
Elimination Ceremony Time!!!
The first clock goes to Sinceer. He reminds Thing 1 and Thing 2 that he’d split them apart; he calls them a team and gives them both clocks. Seesinz gets the next clock followed by Black, and Phototype whose name keeps changing.
Flav tells Hotlanta, Luscious D, and Tree that they’ve got to get to the bottom of things. He calls Tree courageous for what she did and Tree gets the next clock. He calls her one interesting sister and wants to check her pulse. That’s an interesting way to woo someone. He tells Luscious D that their date was beautiful and tells Hotlanta that she’s beautiful. He tells Luscious D that she’s beautiful but they don’t have a connection.
Luscious D/Shannon post-interviews that it sucks for Flav that he doesn’t get to be part of her life.
Flav clarifies to Hotlanta that he’s not broke and the only person who can speak on his finances is him. She says he has love for her and tells her to get her clock. Then he says, You’re time is up. NO WAY!!!!! I was thinking that there might be a double elimination but when he held out the clock...man, did he fool me. Too cool, Flav. Nice move. Big Rick offers a “whoa”. Flav tells Hotlanta she can take the clock with her. I suppose it’s like a consolation prize. You don’t get the mansion and the money, but you get a nice clock that really works and has your face on it. She says that she trusted him and didn’t want to leave with regrets but she regrets ever trusting him. Hotlanta/Nicole post-interviews that everyone has ripped her apart while she’s tried to be herself so she’s glad he didn’t choose her.
So say all the losers.
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