Like A Kick In The Nards: Rock of Love 2, Episode 9
Heather Hath No Scorn
Dear Bret,
Who do you think you are? Flavor Flav? New York? Bringing in the exes is not a new idea that you came up with on your own so don’t act as if it is.
Heather is radiant! Why aren’t you with her? Why is she friends with you? She should be forever sticking pins in a voodoo doll that looks like you. Thank your lucky stars, buster, that she’s still in your life and wants the best for you.
The cigar bar is a horrible idea. These guys look like they are healthy and don’t want to sit in a room full of smoke. Also, if you want a group of guys to talk about their exes, you should probably get them liquored up first. Much like Heather is doing back at the house with the girls. Now that she’s in the house, I’m realizing how mundane this season is as compared to last. This season has a lot less drinking, a lot less alcohol, and a lot less cattiness. Sure everyone hated Kristy Joe, but not in the same way Lacey and Brandi and Heather caused trouble.
Why is it that you’re just finding out now that Megan was on another reality show? That’s pretty easy to find out. She friggin won the friggin show. Your people do background checks. You could have known.
Omigod, Heather in her interview? Gorgeous! Good for her. Sucks for you. Wow, also, Destiney and Daisy with no makeup on? Also, so pretty. Well, with less makeup on considering they cake it on so much normally. If you stop putting on so much eyeliner, maybe they’ll stop putting on so much makeup and everyone will look a little better.
Word of the week is apparently “gotcha.” I suppose I like it better than hi-yo.
Dave and Busters? That’s where you should have gone first instead of Lung Cancer Lounge. You should go there for dates, too. Any girl who can’t hang at D&B is a girl who simply can’t hang. Sure, it’s gratuitous product placement, but still, it’s fun.
If you took the girls to D&B, you would probably get information out of them like, Hey Bret, I’m still living with my ex-boyfriend (Daisy). Or, Hey Bret, I was on Beauty and the Geek (Megan). Or, Hey Bret, I’m a rock-star fucker (Destiney). Or, Hey Bret, I was just at D&B yesterday for my BFF’s Sweet Sixteen because I’m like still in like high school (Jessica). Or, Hey Bret, I, er, I. Umm, okay, I’ve got nothing to say about Ambre except for that the way she spells her name is still weird. That means she’s your best match, no matter how out of place she seems on this show. Choose her. Show over.
You said to Charles that you don’t want to be an ass? Too late. Heeheeheeeeeee. You walked right into that one.
Make sure you have liability insurance because Jessica is going to die from alcohol poisoning before the show is through. I kinda wish she would throw up on you, but for her sake, I’m happy that she’s kept the projectile vomiting to a minimum because that would be uber embarrassing. Once again, I’m impressed with Heather who, I’m pretty sure, got puked on a little bit.
You want to touch them, hold them, feel them? Ew. Is that some kind of fucked up version of Tommy?
Never ever ever never ever again actually use the phrase “rock of love” in a serious conversation again. How can anyone take you seriously? I have no idea how Daisy’s ex sat there with a straight face when you said that.
Heh heh—you said nards.
Ambre getting her pass makes sense. The other girls getting passes doesn’t. Kicking out Meg makes sense since you were doing that last week anyway. I don’t get why she’s surprised about going home.
I agree, Meg’s standing and staring at you is awkward. Aaawwwwkkkkwwwaaarrrddddd. You should tell Big John to carry her out. That’s what he’s there for. Or maybe get Heather to do it. She’s capable. Walking her out is as dumb as when you walked out Kristy Joe. Then you try to kiss her? She didn’t even want to hold your hands when you were giving her speech about taking a hike. Why would she want to kiss you? Dumb dumb dumb.
Vegas? You’re taking them all to Vegas? I’d like to go to Vegas if it’s on your dime. Vegas is like one huge D&B only with gambling and strippers. Taking Heather is a good idea. You should fly her wherever she wants to go whenever she wants. You owe her that much still.
As for what you owe me, I don’t know where to begin. Actually, you can start with Big John’s number. I know you’ve heard me ask for it before. Maybe this time you’ll pull through.
Yours,
Christina
** Got a PS for Bret? Email me by clickin’ my envelope above. Chat in the forums.
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