Calendar Girls, Kinda: Flavor of Love 3, Episode 7
Sapphyri and Buckwild Visit and Save The Day!
Last episode brought us the best elimination ceremony of Tastes Like Crazy, featuring Big Rick. This week, VHDumb (thanks for that one, Ebs) gets a little smarter. They bring back people who get ratings. Hooray for Buckwild and Sapphyrii (whose name I will try to spell correctly but will inevitably get it wrong a whole lot if not all the time). As for the comment of the week contest, yeah, forget that. Who cares? I’m trying to scrape through the rest of the season without passing out into my throw up bucket from boredom.
Viking Flav tells us he has his top six in the house—screech--seven if you count the twins. Stupid stupid stupid.
Flav gathers the girls in the atrium and tells them they’ll be shooting a calendar. He calls in Buckwild and Saphhyri. Buckwild has been creating a clothing line and Sapphyri has a line of lip chap. Can we have a show about them instead? Flav leaves and Sapphyri tells them that they have twelve months, six girls, and one professional photographers. The girls need to decide who shoots what. Can they shoot each other? With tranqualizer darts?
Windy City Shy, who has done hair shows and watches Tyra Banks, tells the other girls how to pose. Then they go outside and Seesinz takes over a bit. Then they all figure out what months they each want based on who looks good in a bathing suit and who’s wearing a stars and stripes hat. No one wants Shy to do February because no one thinks she’s sexy because she has stretch marks. Shy yells at Prancer that no one else can do February.
Flav watches on from his balcony, waiting for the full-on catfight to begin. Now he’s telling us that catfights are entertaining. He’s trying to make us realize that his show is still entertaining. So be entertained, dammit.
For June, Shy poses with the twins. They sit and grab her legs and she stands over them with her butt up in the air. Oh, they have clothes on, thankfully.
Micah is the professional photographer and Buckwild and Sapphyri tell the girls that they aren’t showing enough skin. No no no no no.
Prancer decides she wants to be in every shot. She does April in a bunny suit and basket of eggs. Then she tries to do another one and Shy puts an end to it. Prancer points out Shy’s stretch marks and Shy says Prancer has them, too.
The Twins stand with the oven open for November. It’s not very sexy.
Hotlanta and Seesinz post in their bathing suits for August. Prancer thinks Hotlanta is a hot mess. Prancer and Seesinz do another shot when Hotlanta goes inside. Micah takes another pictures.
For September, Seesinz crawls on a piano bench and wears glasses. Sinceer is supposed to do it but she’s not there in time.
Then while Shy and Sinceer figure out what to wear for February, Prancer and Seesinz try to shoot it. Then the Twins tattle on them to Shy and Sinceer and all the girls start fighting except for Hotlanta who’s wearing a Santa hat. Flav stands upstairs watching the fight. They decide that they will all shoot February and have three Februarys in the calendar and eliminate other unnecessary months like March—who needs March? All of the girls go a little lesbian on the shoot.
Then they shoot March. Okay, March is back in and maybe May is out. The girls all yell about who’s wearing green and Micah says they need to figure out the next month. I’m sure he’s wondering how he got his ass into this. Then as they all yell, he says it’s a wrap. Where are Buckwild and Sapphyri during all this? More of them, less of these bickering girls please.
Micah tells all the girls it’s been a wild day and he’s never experienced anything like this before, wow, yeah. He says they have some great shots. Buckwild and Sapphyri are there to judge. They show June and Sapphyri asks why there’s not enough skin in a summer shot.
Sapphyri then says the Thanksgiving picture with the raw-ass turkey is horrible.
The March picture is of Prancer on a kitchen counter and they love it. Then they also love Prancer in April and July.
They all call September hot, which features Seesinz. Even Shy says it’s a good shot.
Micah shows the three shots for February. Buckwild calls Sinceer and Shy amateur night at the strip club. They all like Seesinz and Prancer’s picture, including Micah. Then Micah leaves because twelve months the calendar has not.
Sapphyri and Buckwild choose Prancer and Seesinz as the winners of the one-on-one date. No one can count on this show. That’s the last we see of the dynamic duo. That was a total tease. They were on screen for all of five minutes in total.
After the challenge, they fight in the kitchen. Sinceer and Seesinz shout at each other. Sinceer has a vein in her forehead that pops up when she’s angry and the editors—love the editors—freeze frame it for us to enjoy.
Then Hotlanta talks about how she strips but her customers have never seen her naked. So what did she strip off then? Lots of layers? She talks about her financial problems. That gets the girls thinking that she wants a baby daddy.
Shy meanwhile makes a dental appointment because she has stank breath. Prancer thinks that Shy doesn’t brush her teeth because Prancer has never seen a toothbrush for Shy.
Hotlanta gets on the phone to tell someone at home to get money out of people. Thing 1 or 2 overhears and tells the rest of the girls that Hotlanta is trying to get money out of Jerry. Who’s Jerry? They think Hotlanta is being sneaky. Who knows who Jerry is? Maybe Jerry owes her money. Maybe Jerry is a nickname for her local ATM.
Big Rick calls all the ladies downstairs and hands them a Flav-O-Gram. Prancer and Seesinz have to put on leotard to prepare for their date. They put on their spandex and some makeup. They look absolutely ridiculous. Seesinz has on red pumps to match her red leotard and Prancer has on white sneakers to offset her blue leotard. Flav comes downstairs in a baggy white shirt and baggy black pants.
The three of them get in the limo. In no time flat, Seesinz starts making out with Flav. His other arm is around Prancer. Awwwwkkkwwwwarrrrd. They arrive at Hollywood Aerial Arts where acrobats are climbing rings and ribbons. Flav is in awe.
Flav quick-changes into a red jumpsuit. The acrobat lady makes him stretch out. Prancer and Seesinz pull on his feet to stretch his legs and he yells out in pain.
Prancer climbs the ribbon and slides down first. Then Seesinz crawls up higher than Prancer did and yells out Flavor Flav! Then Seesinz and Flav spin around on a ring. Prancer stays on the sidelines, pouting.
Shy arrives at the dentist office. She gets some X-rays done and then the dentist looks into her mouth. He shows her the X-ray and says she probably eats a lot of sugar. He says that she’s not going to have her teeth by the time she’s 40. She needs to brush her teeth at least twice a day and use a fluoride rinse. Basically, she needs to do what everyone else does to have healthy teeth.
She says she wants a whole new grill. He explains that she needs a deep cleaning, teeth pulled, and some more shifting and moving.
Back at the circus, Prancer swings and hangs with her legs spread open while Flav and Seesinz mack it and while I throw up into my bucket. Flav tells Big Rick he needs to go back to the mansion quickly. He’s probably hurting.
Shy tells Flav about her dental visit and thanks him for telling her that she has stank breath. Then she shows him her chain of breath mints that she plans to wear all the time. She eats all the mints and then macks it with him. Then Things 1 and 2 tell him about Hotlanta’s Jerry phone call. They tell him to look into it.
Flav pulls Hotlanta outside by the pool to ask her about the Jerry phone call. Jerry is her youngest son’s father and they hadn’t been together since August. The phone call was about him not giving her money that he should be giving her. Hotlanta had gone to court but someone had already sued Jerry and Jerry ain’t got no money. Viking Flav is very skeptical about why Hotlanta is there now.
All the girls decide to wear pajamas for elimination. They all do. They all have decided something together. That’s odd. That makes me uncomfortable.
Elimination Ceremony Time!!!
Thankfully, Buckwild and Sapphyri are back on my tv screen and I couldn’t need them any more right now to save this episode. They recommend that he get rid of all the girls because the only one they like only a little bit is Seesinz and even then, ick.
Flav loves the PJs. They all look cute. They should wear only PJs for the rest of the season. And the rest of their lives.
The first clock goes to Seesinz. He tells her she needs to get rid of her lip gloss because it’s all over him when he kisses her.
Things 1 and 2 get the next clock followed by Sinceer. The next clock goes to Prancer. The last clock goes to Hotlanta.
Shy scolds Flav. She says that he should have given her the clock and given her one more chance. He says that any man who gets a hold of her has his hands full. Shy/Monalisa (yeah, that’s her name really) post-interviews that she’s in shock. She’s all teary.
Flav tells Big Rick to pour their drinks. Sapphyri stops the drinks from flowing because none of the girls are good enough for him. She calls in four ladies who are supposedly better for Flav. Flav’s all confused to see new hot girls in his house. He doesn’t know exactly what to do but they’re all standing there and staying put.
Then it ends. Like that. All confused. I suppose this is a cliffhanger. Not a very suspenseful one. Eh, they’re trying.
Email me. Chat in the forums. Please, I’m lonely, thinking I’m the only person on the planet who still watches.
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