Don’t Rain On Art’s Parade - Average Joe 4: The Joes Strike Back, Episode 3by Hildee Weiss
The hunks have arrived and Arthur is concerned. And for good reason.
“There were these fireworks going off and suddenly, I see six waiters behind me!” describes Art.
Dante reminds the other Joes that they nixed his idea of strategizing against the hunks. So realizing that, in Nathan’s words, the dynamic in the house has changed; the Joes nominate Dante to be “the crazy guy.” Dante accepts his title proudly, with Gino cheering him on ala Knute Rockne. Then, they await the arrival of the Ken dolls. I mean, their new roomies.
Dante greets the hunks with hugs and words of welcome. Arthur plays the role of tour guide, explaining ever so politely that most of the rooms are already taken. Is that going to stop the newbies from settling in? The hunks look around and start throwing everything out the bedroom window. There are bedsheets flying, clothes being tossed aside. Nathan warns them that they missed a shoe. Chris/Carson the hunk warns that the Joes will be sent home crying. Do you see a tear?
Enter Dante. He notices his luggage on the patio and his oh so charming furniture movers. It’s personal property, he rants and raves to the hunks. But they’re not paying attention. In fact, they’ve shut him out of his own bedroom! Dante somehow finds the house key (or maybe one of the other Joes took pity on him and let him in) and confronts Carson. They go eye to eye and as things are looking grim for Dante, he gives Carson a big kiss! In between bleeps, Carson threatens to beat Dante to a pulp.
Later by the pool table, Dante tries to apologize to his latest object of desire. Carson shares in his private interview that if this hadn’t been on television, the situation would have taken a different turn. Hmm. Did NBC just miss an opportunity for Queer Eye for The Hunky Straight Guy?!
School is in session and the Joes are ready to take on the Jocks. Arthur says he thought he was done with school bullies. Anna enters the gym, wearing not much more than a smile. The guys are donned in wrestling garb or a piece of dental floss, as Josh the Joe puts it. Anna feels bad for Jason as he takes on Josh the hunk. Jason admits he doesn’t remember too much about it but in the end, he shows everyone! He has Josh pinned to the floor! Gino confides that he definitely saw stars in his own showdown with a hunk.
It all comes down to Dante and Carson. Dante tells Carson he’s happy to be up against him but is it another lip-lock he’s after?! Anna notes the tension between the two men as Dante tries to shake Carson’s hand. Looking into Carson’s eyes, Dante recalls his high school days of getting picked on. “It hurts inside,” cries Dante. “I just want to show people I have love to give. I feel misunderstood.” The theme of Rocky one through six can almost be heard playing in the background as Dante decides that Carson is a bully and he is going to stand up to him and not take it anymore! The Joes watch dumb-founded as Dante takes Carson down. But then Carson takes Dante down. Again and again and again. The fight is over and the Jocks are declared victorious. Don’t feel sorry for Dante though. He says that the wrestling match is like everything he’s ever gone up against. He feels he can accomplish anything now.
Round two takes place in the high school cafeteria and doesn’t Anna look sweet, serving the milk? Clay thinks so. “She’s the best looking lunch lady I’ve ever seen!” This round will show a true test of strength and endurance as it’s all about who can eat the most sloppy Joes in five minutes. Rocky the hunk recalls his strict protein diet as Nathan thinks, “great. I can do that!” The hunks watch in disgust as the Joes get sloppy over the Joes on their plates. A not so amused Carson is sure that Anna will be turned off by how the Joes eat like animals. In the end, the Joes take in 25 Joes. The hunks are next but instead of chowing down, they stand and clap on for the Joes. Clay thinks the hunks were chicken not to compete. Sure, that’s because they’re self-proclaimed vegans!
Everyone is prepping for the tiebreaker – a game of dodgeball. That is, except Josh, who is all a-gag over his sloppy Joe fest. Jason the Joe is shown sitting in the corner of the gym, praying. We are treated to clips of the Joes practicing. It doesn’t look good, folks. Even coach Gino is getting nervous as he pounds on his locker. In between push-ups, Carson says it’s going to be a beautiful thing to pound the ball against one of the Joes.
Anna the ump decides that the hunks have to take off their shirts before the game begins. Arthur notes that he is a finely tuned made Sedan to the hunks’ finely Italian made sports car. Between you and me, Artie boy, sedans are much better for getting closer to the opposite sex! Anna cries, don’t break him, don’t hit him as the hunks dodge after the Joes. Josh the Joe admits it was pretty much a blur as a sea of red balls came toward him. Arthur wants to know how he is expected to manuveur around the balls with a bunch of sloppy Joes in his system? Apparently, Clay has forgotten his beef and buns orgy as he goes after the hunks with a vengeance. Yes, Clay…the smallest guy on the court. Arthur is sure that if Clay hadn’t been on the Joe team, the floor would have been swept with them. Um. Yippee for Clay but the floor got swept alright and not by the janitor!
Anna picks Rocky the hunk for a one on one date on the “Sojourn.” She picked him because he stood out in the wrestling match and he was polite in congratulating the Joes. Anna admits in her confessional that she is nervous and she feels like a school girl. She wonders if he really likes her or if he’s playing a game. They adjourn to the jacuzzi, where they play several rounds of tongue hockey. Call me a cynic but when Rocky looks into Anna’s eyes, I don’t think it’s similar to looking into her “soul.” Anna realizes that the passion they experienced together is dangerous but she doesn’t know if it will last.
Back at the house, Clay tells Gino and Josh that all he wants is a one on one date with Anna. As Nathan sits alone, Josh feels confidant that in the end, Anna will pick someone with a good heart.
It’s like a scene out of “Top Gun” as Anna plays beach volleyball with the hunks. Anna reminds herself that while hunks have great bodies and look pretty, it doesn’t mean that they are great individuals. She invites Josh the hunk to join her for dinner on the yacht, simply because they are both from Las Vegas. Dressed in pink, the very masculine Josh explains to Anna that he’s been alcohol free for eight months. Anna feels awful. She was so sure that Josh was a big party guy, what with his being a BARTENDER IN VEGAS! They share a kiss, which Anna describes as “not too much, not too little. Just perfect.”
Carson and Mike play hardball for real as they try to convince Arthur that Anna is a fake. At first, Arthur refuses to let them rain on his parade. Arthur won’t listen to their talk of Anna doing all of this for her career. (You think?!) The hunks get to him as Arthur start to question Anna’s intentions. Nathan says that Carson and Mike added a new dimension to the house. Josh suggests that if things don’t work out for either hunk with Anna, they might give each other a shot. Arthur gets back in the ring as he decides to fight for Anna. He figures that as long as he keeps expressing himself to her, he’s a true contender. But that’s a whole different show.
It’s the elimination ceremony and Anna has to send two hunks and two Joes packing. She dumps Michael the hunk. As he walks away, Michael claims that Anna does nothing for him and he would hate for her to wind up with Carson because she’d be tagging along on their time together. Next, Anna says goodbye to Jason the Joe. He is caught off guard by his name being called but then again, they never had any one on one time. Greg the hunk is next but he has nothing important to say. Anna cries as she announces that the next person she has to say goodbye to is a really beautiful person. Now, I have nothing personal against Dante but he’s mighty quick to assume that he’s that studly dude Anna is talking about. Of course, he was right and he says his goodbyes. He feels that he can now face his worst enemies and stop feeling misunderstood.
Dante might just get his chance in the coming weeks as he is picked for an extreme make-over. After talking to a life coach on his low self-esteem, Dante is treated to a seaweed body treatment for his “hygeine problem.” Dante also gets his hair cut and colored, a back wax (ouch!), a new wardrobe, a tan, brand new teeth and blue contacts. Dante is ready to return to Anna in the hope that she will say no to the other guys and tell him he’s the guy for her.
A guy can only dream.
You can e-mail Hildee Weiss at HildeeW@SBCGlobal.net
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