| NAKED JIM (nuff said): Queer Eye Episode 208 |
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| Posted on Tue 12 Jul 2005 (3563 reads) |
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--Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl Viewer discretion advised!!! HAHAHA!!!! The Fab Five are yet again taking on a straight-guy situation. Cruisin in the SUV, they discuss Jim B., the scary, hairy nudist. He hails from Jersey, and I was so unaware that there was a nudist just one bridge and turnpike from me, and now I’m scared. Ew, there are pictures. He’s 39, 5’5”, very hair. Thom calls him “scary Garcia.” Kyan says, “It gets better. He lives with his mother.” They figure she makes him sit on a doily when he’s naked. NakedJim has a nudist party to get ready for. The FF all say, “I’ve got nothing to wear!” Heehee. He also has a daughter. The mom has a method to not see her son nude—she honks the horn. The FF decide to honk the horn when they get there. They drive up honking and then keep saying “honk honk” as they come up to the door. NakedJim is messy. Not regular messy. More like psychotic messy. He’s got Jerry Garcia meets Al Sharpton hair and a beard to match. The place is messy, too. Why would you want to be naked in a gross house? Wouldn’t that be incentive to be clean? And have I mentioned that the dude answers the door naked? It’s digitally blurred but he’s clearly nude. As in no clothes. Now why is it that NakedJim here trounces around in all his glory without a care in the world while the hot cowboy from seasons past wore layers? Not fair! Okay, I’m lying. He’s not completely naked. He’s wearing socks. Why do guys do that? They’ll run around with a hairy ass rubbing up against everything in its path, yet they need to keep their tootsies hidden! Kyan’s face is priceless. I don’t think he was expecting that NakedJim would actually answer the door naked. They all ask, “how’s it hanging?” Ted says he feels overdressed as Carson hangs his coat on NakedJim’s flaccid penis. Thom tries to talk but then apologizes and says, “It’s kind of hard to focus on anything.” He stares at the ceiling and all around trying not to stare at the clean shaven package. Heeheee. Kyan finds a waterbed and starts rolling around on it. Thom and Jai point out that NakedJim has been naked on it. Kyan starts laughing and yells, “Oh no!!!!” Heehee. But isn’t everyone naked in a bed at one time or another? I think the idea here is that it’s excessive nakedness and they’ve seen Jim naked. Carson asks, “Is it cold in here or is it just you?” while checking out NakedJim’s package. Well that was obligatory. Jai in the kitchen fans himself and says, “I need a breath. Uncomfortable! Uncomfortable.” That’s it, Jai. Go to your happy place. NakedJim is clean shaven down south. Ewwww. Carson asks if he’s a nudist or naturist. Does it matter? The man has no clothes on and he should! Thom feels like he can’t do much to the room because it’s been tainted by nakedness. Then the guys inspect all the trinkets and odds and ends all over. Ted calls them old lady things. It’s true. He’s decorated with tiny pretty plates and things. Ted finds a nudist magazine. Thom then thumbs through it. Carson bets that NakedJim’s favorite movie is “Free Willie.” That was easy. Thom sees that the neighbors would see NakedJim naked in the backyard. NakedJim says that he stays naked indoors because of it. Carson decides he wants to be nude. Jai helps him. He bounds out the back door. And so emerges the naked Carson. Carson has no clothes on. Carson has no clothes on. Carson streaks through the backyard with no clothes on. Carson’s package and rear are digitally blurred with the Queer Eye logo. They lock the front door for a while too. Then they let him in to save the neighbors and Carson hugs the NakedJim. Then he chases Thom and Ted around the house. Ted puts Carson’s clothes in the freezer. Thom is traumatized and says, ‘That was horrible. I quit!” Kyan asks if other people getting naked is a common reaction. NakedJim lies and says sometimes. Kyan then starts to compare the types of nakedness, saying that Carson is more clean cut. The mother and daughter come home and Carson holds a decorative Granny plate over his penis. As NakedJim gets dressed, Carson realizes, “Somebody has my clothes.” Heeheeheeeeee! Then he puts on the freezing clothes. Thom talks to Mom for a while. She says that she’s fine with the nudity as long as she doesn’t see it. NakedJim comes out with clothes on. Kyan chats with the daughter and she wants her dad to learn how to take care of himself. Kyan says, “Okay, yeah,” in a very sympathetic way. Jai then asks what she wants to do for fun and she wants to see “Phantom of the Opera.” WHY??? That play sucks. Note that I'm more upset about the play than I was about the scary nakedness. Anyway. Kyan then inspects NakedJim’s hands. They’re all rough because he’s a mechanic. Ted and Carson then accost a neighbor and ask if she’s ever seen Jim naked. She asks if there’s something going on that she doesn’t know about. Apparently, she didn’t know that she lives next to a nudist. How could you not know? The FF discuss the cocktail party. They want NakedJim to wear a tux. A blacktie cocktail party for the nudists. Hooray. The naked friend interviews that Jim is caring and he would give the shirt off his back for you (no pun intended). Ha! Naked comedy! In the SUV, Carson feels liberated having felt the wind between his pubes. NakedJim says that his daughter is the joy of his life because she lets him be naked when she’s not around. NakedJim says nudity evens out the playing field of life. NakedJim meets up with Thom and his daughter at a furniture store that has sexy and comfortable furniture. They like mauve pillows and chairs. Obligatory chair sitting. Thom says that the chairs have “freeballing” written all over them. Ha! They look at a tea height table, which is basically a short table. It’s good for game playing and eating. Jai and Ted then meet NakedJim at a gallery place. They meet an artist and then decide to sketch. Jai leaves and comes back in a robe. Ted says, “This is making me very uncomfortable. I thought this was about the ideal male form.” HAHA! Jai drops his robe and reveals nothing but a fig leaf. The artist shows them how to measure the model body and scale it to the sketch. Jai asks, “Jim, how bad do you want to fix a carbeurator right now?” Heehee. The artist gets all snobby and critiques the pictures. They all share pictures and the artist has the best one. No surprise there. NakedJim give Jai a big hug for coming over to the nudist side. Across town, NakedJim runs into a salon to meet Kyan. Kyan blabs about sensibility and vibe. Seriously, we’re talking about a shave and a haircut. Kyan finds out that the stylist walks around naked every night after washing his hands. Good to know. They chat about nudity some more. NakedJim equates nudity to being gay. Kyan agrees completely and swears that he’s not all about sex. Wow, NakedJim’s hair is now short and layered and his beard is cleaned up and he looks swell. Carson calls it “Shear perfection,” as he meets up with NakedJim at an eyeglass store. He and Madeline the eyeglass woman pick out frames. Carson then calls himself a chiseled Greek god. Nice. NakedJim tries on a square pair and looks great. Then he tries rimless. I tried that once and looked awful. NakedJim, on the other hand, is getting better looking by the minute. Then they choose prescription sunglasses. They get him a squared off aviator and another pair that’s rounder. My mom wears aviator style and I hate it. She’s not a pilot! The Allure Expert Alert suggest putting your hair in a ponytail during the summer. It’s also an obvious plug for Allure magazine. Queer Eye gets more product-oriented by the episode. The naked co-worker interviews that Jim needs more privacy. No shit! In the SUV, Kyan and Carson discuss the art class with NakedJim. Carson says that they need to try on tuxedoes when they get home. NakedJim explains that the event starts out with clothes and then ends without any. They arrive home and Thom and Ted love his hair. They reveal the new and improved “nudie lounge” and Thom says, “Take your clothes off! Hurry!” NakedJim smiles wide to see the house. There are iced glass doors that Carson presses his naked ass against to Christen it. Thom also installed blinds from the bottom of the windows so that no one will see NakedJim. Outside, Jai is in a hot tub with his tighty whiteys on. The deck is no maintenance and there are lounge chairs and plants and all new landscaping with a back door for nudies only. Thom asks if Mom will freak out when she sees the hot tub. Why would anyone freak? That’s awesome. Kyan then tells NakedJim that his “whole vision for him is to have him look his best naked.” Nice. So first he gives him Crest White Strips because teeth are what everyone looks at when someone is naked. Then they wear moisturizing gloves to help moisten his hands. And now the moisture socks too. NakedJim says it feels neat. Carson then goes into tuxedo options. There are way too many and it’s way too boring which is weird for me because Carson never bores me. However, he was running around in the buff before so perhaps he’s lost steam. They talk about bow ties and cumberbunds and socks and footwear. Then he makes a sock puppet. Then he bounces back by saying, “There’s nothing gayer than a patent leather pump.” Heeheeeee. Ted asks if they can put bowties on their Johnsons. Heeheee. Then Carson hasn’t gotten NakedJim any underwear. They’re all enjoying putting the nudist in a tux. They think it’s fun. Kind of like those cut out dolls that you can dress up. Only they wear underwear. Out back, Ted and Jai show NakedJim how to make drinks. The first one is a mojito and Jai gasps. Ted points out that Jai is conveniently Puerto Rican when the drink calls for it. Jai says that the drink is from his gente. That means people! I know basic Spanish!! The second drink is the El Hemingway. Hemingway liked being naked. This involves rum. That’s so non-sequitur but it’s exactly the way Ted’s conversation is going. Jai then suggest that NakedJim give his daughter a gift for graduation. He gives NakedJim three tickets to Phantom and says that she’ll get to meet the stars of the show. The FF gather round the hot tub and NakedJim jumps in naked. Kyan reminds him to put on his glamour glove and the FF can’t believe that Kyan said, “glamour glove” and they all repeat it because they’re twelve. Hip Tip: Ted says to avoid choking by slamming food with a rolling pin and then throwing it into a wide open mouth. Are you turning thirty in the NYC area? Call Queer Eye now! The naked friend interviews that a nudist party is great fun because naked people accept everybody. The Fab Five gather round the Critic Couch and say nudie a bunch of times. They find it more shocking on the screen than in person. They cover their eyes and sigh as NakedJim cooks and then goes through his Crest White Strip routine. Thom can’t take it and says, “Put some clothes on!” Heehee. NakedJim preps with the glamour gloves and socks and then tries on the sunglasses Carson got him. Thom calls it Jackie O and Ted is so offended by it. And that’s all he’s wearing as he goes outside and lounges on one of the new chairs. Naked. Jai says it’s the craziest thing he’s ever seen and Carson says he looks like a blind nudist. He goes inside and Ted says, “He’s putting on a garment!” They cheer. He still has the gloves on though and Carson likens him to a mime. Carson then says that the bow tie is crooked and the rest are just happy he’s got something on. Mom and daughter arrive and cry tears of joy. His sisters are there too and they are overwhelmed with glee. They love the house with its white couches and red chairs. Thom says that the room is a bit too modern for Mom but its nice dammit! NakedJim then shows them the sunglasses which he is obsessed with. Mom seems to like them. They go out back and Mom remains subdued. Thom’s impression of her is dead on as he gives a simple, “mmm-hmm.” NakedJim then gives his daughter the Phantom tickets and she jumps with giddiness. NakedJim goes to his naked party in his tux. When he arrives, he sets up the two martinis and Ted calls him a high class bartender. The FF love the two drinks Ted suggested because they’re different. Other people arrive. Everyone is wearing clothes. The FF don’t like the tuxedo tails on some of them. Someone disses Carson’s shoe choice and he gets all uppity. NakedJim tells them about the house and Thom says, “This is why Mom is mad at me.” Heehee. They all want to visit all naked and stuff. Ted feels constricted and takes his shoes off. Carson takes off his watch. Some time goes by and NakedJim announces what we’ve all been fearing—the party is now clothing optional. Oh, jeez. All kinds of nakedness occur. Tattooed naked. Frizzy hairy chest naked. Fat naked. Droopy naked. People just tear off their clothes at rapid speed. Thom’s chin disappears into his neck as he tries to get as far from the screen as possible. He shakes his head and finally gets out a NOOOOOOO as Jai wags his finger in a no no no fashion. Then Thom yells, “Omigod they’re eating!” and requests another drink from Ted. Kyan points out that some guy’s testicles are hanging over the hummus. Then Jai notes, “Grampa’s packing heat!” Then Kyan asks “what’s next?” Never a good question. They start to boogie. Ted asks, “Do they have to dance!?!?!” Heeheheeheeeee. There’s a lot of sliding and gyrating. Some people are wearing hats. Is that against the rules? Then they take a group photo. Jeez. Ted says, “Nobody said there would be dancing!” Thom says that anyone can do what they want as long as they don’t hurt anybody but he’s a little hurt. Hahahahahhahaaaa! They make fun of NakedJim because all he talks about is being nude. True. Jai compliments everyone for being comfortable. They toast to letting it all hang out. Jai starts to take off his shirt. Again. Carson says to clean glasses with dish soap. Jai says to turn your home into a personal gallery. Kyan says to use toothpaste after a bee sting. Thom says to sniff mulch. Ted says to get spouts for liquor and keep it all to a four count when pouring. Wanna see me naked!??!?! Just kidding. Email me: Christina@realityshack.com |
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