Jim's Guide To How Not To Kill A Lobster: Queer Eye Episode 144
Posted on Tue 05 Jul 2005 (1557 reads)
--Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl Whoo-hoooo! Driving that SUV through the mean streets of the city, the Fab Five get ready to make over a straight guy who has a frumpy apartment, a lot of hair, and problems in the romance department. Hmmm, that sounds vaguely familiar. Sort of like a whole lot of other guys they’ve made over. But one difference exists here—this is the BIGGEST SEASON EVER! Ha! Forgot that, didn’t you? Well, it is so here we go. Kyan is creaming as we see Jim J (not Jm J Bullock, just Jim J) who has? A lot of hair! Hooray!! Time to break out those shears! And you know what else? It’s frizzy hair! Kyan is going to have a field day. They all sing a song about frizz. He has “crazy mutton chop sideburns” according to Ted. Jai says one of his problems is that he doesn’t ever shut up and they all go into a non-stop-talking garble. Jim J Not Bullock has a girlfriend named Lauren who loves him for who he is but not for what he looks like or how he treats her because, although he’s not mean, he’s an idiot when it comes to romance. As in he gives her birthday presents to her months late. So instead of just finding another boyfriend, she’s having him made over. I guess you work with what you have. The mission: Shear Samson’s locks so he can delight his Delilah. As in take her sailing around the city. The FF arrive at Jim J Not Bullock’s place and it’s a typical nasty straight guy’s place. Crap all over. Dirty kitchen. Plain dank walls. You know, the usual. Jim J Not Bullock is wearing a t-shirt with a button down over it and he’s all disheveled. Immediately, Kyan and the boys go for the hair. They yell, “Shake it out! Shake it out!” as if they want him to do the latest dance move. He shakes out his hair and Kyan yells, “WOW!” as they all start pulling on chunks of it to make it even worse than it already is. As someone who has struggled for years with frizzy, curly hair, I know the frustration that Jim J Not Bullock must have with the hair and I know that other people yanking on it is not a big help. Kyan and Carson twist his hair into side buns a la Princess Leah (from Star Wars—I have no idea if that’s how to spell her name because I don’t like Star Wars). All the while, Carson chats with Jim J Not Bullock about living in PA. Thom omigods his way into the bathroom and I gag a little. It’s ultra dirty. And there’s a wad of wiry hair in the drain. So. Gross. Clean that shit up! In the kitchen, Ted and Kyan analyze a photo of Jim J Not Bullock and his dad. The hair is the same for both men. They actually look very much alike. Kyan asks if he’s taking his hair inspiration from his dad. Heehee. Back in the bathroom, Thom lifts up the toilet seat. Why would you do that? After seeing the tub, he should run away. He exclaims, “Ew! Brown powder!” And along the rim of the toilet is brown mystery powder stuff. So. Very. Gross. And then he goes into the kitchen and starts screaming “Ahhhhh!” because that too is so very gross. Carson inspects the bedroom and comments, “There’s a lot of debris here.” Heeheehee. Understatements are funny. Piles of clothes and things are everywhere. Kyan finds a bunch of cookbooks and alerts Ted to the fact that Jim J Not Bullock likes to cook. Ted says, “I don’t think eating food out of this kitchen is a good idea.” Ha! Very true as the stovetop is black and the sink is lost under dirty cups and dishes that are overflowing out of it. Then Thom pulls something off the counter top and says, “Ooh, that’s not a drawer.” Heehee. Then Kyan has a deep conversation about cleaning, or the lackthereof, with JJNB. Why is Kyan eating a biscotti? I wouldn’t eat anything in that place. It’s so gross. Anyway, JJNB says that his schedule is so hectic that it doesn’t allow for him to clean. Kyan gives a sarcastic, “Uh-huh. Because otherwise you would be cleaning.” Heeheehee! Loving the sarcasm. Keep it coming. And might I add that I’m quite impressed that Kyan is not obsessing too much over the hair. Perhaps he’s been reading the recaps and has settled down. Carson continues to go through clothes and sheets and other stuff and it’s all plaid. Plaid plaid plaid. Next up is fun with marshmallows! Jai sticks a marshmallow into Ted’s mouth and instructs him, “Say chubby bunny.” Ted chews the marshmallow to the side of his mouth and says, “Chubby bunny.” Jai says, “You can’t chew it!” and sticks another one in (that sounds dirty!). Now it’s time for a chat with Thom. He tells JJNB, “Pardon my French, but there’s shit everywhere.” That’s what I’ve been saying! JJNB gives the lame excuse that he has a hard time throwing stuff away. Well, tough. Just do it. Meanwhile, Jai is still stuffing marshmallows into Ted. Jai coaxes, “Come on. Chubby bunny. Say chubby bunny.” Ted goes into this gagging motion and practically spits five marshmallows out of his mouth. Jai starts giggling and runs away while Ted keels over. Ha! That’s my idea of a good time. In the kitchen, Thom breaks the fridge. Then JJNB tears apart the fridge door. Then they all yell that they hate the fridge. Next, they get a hair curler stuck in JJNB’s hair. Then we find out he thinks he gets all his power from his hair. Much like Samson. What the?? Jai berates JJNB asking him why he isn’t talking if he’s such a big talker. JJNB says that it’s hard to talk when people are destroying your house. Then they talk about how he’s not romantic and his girlfriend is so picky so when he tries he gets shot down when he’s wrong. Why doesn’t he just call on his hair for power to deal with it? Jai then tells him he’s a big talker because he’s going on and on and on. Keep shooting him down, Jai. Next Ted reveals that JJNB will be doing something with food for Lauren kind of like a walk in Central Park but not. That’s so informative. Carson hides old socks in kitty litter. Thom breaks off the doors of the cupboards. JJNB pitches in but can’t tear them off. Thom says that he’s not as strong as the gay guy. Hahaha!!! Carson asks if JJNB irons. Jim J Not Bullock says he’s not very good. Carson translates that to “lazy.” Heehee. So true. I never iron either. However, JJNB does some weird trick with the dryer to pseudo-dry-clean his clothes and get the wrinkles out. Carson yells NOOOOO because apparently it’s really bad to do that to clothing. All of Jim’s friends interview that his clothes and hair are horrible. Nice friends. In the SUV, JJNB says that Lauren is his other half and gives him stability. He says that when he’s left alone, he won’t clean up after himself. Thom says, “I noticed that.” Hahahahahhahaaaaaa!!!! Jai takes JJNB to a day spa because Lauren thinks he talks too much. That’s what a spa is for? Jai says, “The gays are very sneaky” as he reveals that Lauren is there with them. They meet a therapist who puts them in a water chamber with 800 lbs of Epsom salts heated to 98.6 degrees that will let them relax and float. While JJNB goes to float, Jai talks to Lauren about the gifts she’s received from her boyfriend. Key chains. Several of them. Wow, that shouts romance. JJNB floats and then comes back looking like a wet rat. He had a problem being still but he’s learning to be quiet. And thankfully, he didn’t pee in the water because Lauren’s taking a turn. Thom meets JJNB in the Door Store for furniture. Obligatory couch sitting. They find a couch that has removeable pieces. It’s beige. It’s big. Then they sit at a glass table. They like the idea of a cleaner look. Over to some French four-star restaurant with Ted to plan a dream picnic. They meet Chef Rivera who shows them how to make a lobster and truffle salad. First they kill the lobster by quickly slicing it in half with a machete. I’m never eating lobster again. Then they drop the lobsters in boiling water but they’re dead already so that’s fine. Then they chop up the lobster because killing it wasn’t enough. Next they do some stuff with truffle and chives and then add in the mutilated lobster. This is why I don’t cook. I like my food on the plate in front of me without knowing the vicious back story leading up to how it got there. Carson then brings JJNB to Penguin, a store that does “plaid in a cool way.” First, he wants to dress him up like a queen at a day at the races. What does that mean? I don’t know and I’m watching intently. Carson puts him in a horizontal striped shirt and sport jacket. Next is a plaid shirt and then a collared shirt. Carson then tells JJNB if it doesn’t work out with Lauren, he wants to be next on the list. Heehee. Finally, it’s Kyan’s time to shine. Carson and Kyan go to the salon. Carson wants to wash someone’s hair. Kyan tells them to not let Carson get scissors and then says, “That’s what happens when ADD goes undiagnosed.” HAHAHAHA!!!! JJNB might donate to Locks of Love but can’t decide. His mom has survived cancer twice and he’s a special ed teacher so he feels the cause. He does it!!!! Good for him!!!!! Carson tells him to keep breathing and Kyan tells Carson to become a midwife. They shape his hair and put in some product and he’s finished. He looks 100 times better than what he did before. And now someone will get a fantastic wig made out of his hair. Locks of Love is really a great cause. My friend grows her hair really long specifically to donate it when it’s long enough. Me? I’m incredibly selfish and would never be able to do that. But that’s because I looked like a boy for the better part of my childhood and then when I did start to grow my hair out I had an afro. I am now completely traumatized and find my only identity in my long hair and I think that if I cut it, I’ll be unrecognizable and mistaken once again as a boy. Yes, I have issues. Jim’s friends and family interview that he’s a dirty boy. In the SUV, the FF and JJNB discuss Lauren’s reaction to the hair. She’ll be happy probably. He’s excited about the date. They run to the apartment and Jai omigoshes about his hair. Then JJNB is completely speechless. The kitchen has a stainless steel fridge and dark brown cabinets with silver handles. The walls seem to be sage but that could just be the lighting. The living room has a wall of shelves and ran the line of the shelves around the room with horizontal lines against a beige wall. The sofa floats in the space and the round table is at the edge of the sofa. And it’s all clean!!!! JJNB asks, “Is this really my place?” Carson, in all his glorious sarcasm, says, “No, this is a cruel joke. You really live next door.” HAHAHAHHA!!!!! Jai then teaches Jim J Not Bullock how to talk to people and then listen. Then they discuss haiku. Jai wrote one—it doesn’t sound like a haiku at all. He tells JJNB that he needs to write one for Lauren. Kyan then brings JJNB, who he calls curl-friend, into the bathroom. He tells him the first rule is to not fuss with it. Curly haired people always fuss with their hair. They have to. But Kyan doesn’t have curly hair so it’s easy for him to say. He then shows JJNB all the gels and mousses that he can use to have happy hair. Carson comes in and says, “Curls just want to have fun.” Heehee. Carson takes JJNB to the bedroom and shows him an iron steamer to get wrinkles out. Cool. I want one. Now there’s a fashion show. He comes out in a pink button down, blue tie, herringbone blazer, and military fatigues. And sneakers. Next is a plaid button down gray shirt with a maroon collared Oxford and a puke blue wind breaker that kills the outfit but what do I know? I’m not Carson. Who, by the way, is wearing red paisley pants. Heehee. In the kitchen, Ted and JJNB make gazpacho and a burrito. This entails tomatoes, jalapenos with seeds, red pepper, and a blender. JJNB learned to cook from watching his dad and thinks Lauren will be in awe of his food masterpiece. Because everyone is in awe of jalapenos. Next they throw together cream, chives, and tortillas. JJNB then cuts off Ted mid-sentence and immediately apologizes for it. He points out that the FF are talkers as well. Ted giggles in agreement. Aw, that’s genuinely sweet. Hip Tip: Thom says to go to a design museum in an international city instead of carrying around design books if you want to learn about design. Because traveling to a foreign country is about ten times the cost of, say, going to the library. The friends interview that Jim talks a lot and Lauren does not. The Fab Five gather round the Critic Couch and so begins one of the FUNNIEST Queer Eye Criticisms in the history of Queer Eye. All they need is Jim J Not Bullock and a poor, unlucky lobster. Jim J Not Bullock takes a huge knife and massacres a lobster who does not die with the first cut. It’s supposed to be quick and painless. Instead, it’s long and tortuous. They all yell, “NO NO!” Thom yells, “It’s still alive!” Carson points out, “It’s still moving.” Ted pretends to puke into a box. Jai has run away, shielding his face from the screen, and asking them to tell him when it’s over. Thom and Kyan want to know why Ted told him to do that and Ted defends himself by shifting the guilt, “The French guy told him to do that!” Then they yell that lobster guts are squirting all over the place. They are all freaking out!!!! Heeheeheeeeee. Thom asks, “Did you see his little eyes?” Then Jai finally comes back and says, “That was horrible.” Thom then takes the cake for understatements when he says, “That was really hard to watch.” Heehee. Then they yell, “Ted, you’re a murderer!!!” Ted says, “most chefs say that’s the most humane way to do it but he did it wrong.” Obviously!!!! Kyan asks why JJNB is wiping lemon on the board. Ted says, “To get the fish smell,” and Kyan interrupts, “to get the smell of death off of it??!!!” Ha! Good times. Next Jim J Not Bullock writes his haiku as Ted counts the syllables. It may not be working out exactly to haiku quality but he’s trying. Next he changes a zillion times. Then the doorbell rings and the sisters shriek with happiness. One goes to touch his hair and he tells her he can’t. Kyan approves, saying, “That’s right. Don’t let them touch the curls.” Next Lauren comes in and Carson thinks she on a sedative. Thom calls her reserved. Jim J Not Bullock insists that he state an opinion. Then he tells her what they’re doing and the FF think he’s talking to her as he talks to one of his students. Kyan says, “Jai, do you have to go to the potty before you leave??” Heeheheeeee. JJNB keeps asking Lauren what she’s been doing and she says barely anything. The FF say it’s no wonder he talks so much because she says nothing. They call her cold and boring. Then JJNB reads his haiku to her but he goes into baby talk weirdo mode. It annoys the crap out of Thom. And out of me as well. What’s wrong with him? Ted says, “Can’t wait for this date to start” and rolls his eyes dramatically. They are kind of boring. It’s like watching two strangers on a really bad first date. Why are they together? The date begins. They go to the Adirondack schooner at Chelsea Piers. I’ve always wanted to go there. JJNB serves her and Kyan says he would be making out with him by now. The FF get very catty about Lauren because she hasn’t said thanks and is mean. She’s scared to try everything. They wonder if she may be sea sick. Kyan says she’s thoroughly unimpressed. Then the champagne falls over. She whispers that she doesn’t like fish and Jai thinks she’s sick. Kyan, Ted, and Carson try to write a haiku about blowing chunks and getting back on land. Heehee. JJNB and Lauren then start snipping at each other. He asks her questions and she doesn’t answer then and then he tells her she needs to answer. Then she says she’s having a good time. Could have fooled me! Carson says that they’re not a match made in heaven. Kyan says that she’s holding back and waiting for him to prove something. Thom says she wouldn’t know a good date if she had one. They toast to Ted the lobster murderer and to the martyred lobsters. Carson says to wash graphic tees inside out. Kyan says to bring photos of hair to your stylist. Jai says to arrive early for interviews and hit on the receptionist. Thom says to put movies into DVD cases. Ted says to use room temperature alcohol to melt ice. Much unlike the Biblical Samson, Jim J Not Bullock gains all his strength and romantic flair right after he cleans up his act and cuts his hair. Give me one good reason to ever use an iron! Email me: Christina@realityshack.com

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