Dog Day Afternoon - Fire Me, Please!, Episode 3by Syrone Harvey
With the CBS reality show Fire Me, Please, certain things you can be sure of - someone is going to get “fired, pink slipped, canned or quickly handed their walking papers”. Last night was no exception. Take the usual wild and zany antics, toss in a few water-soaked dogs, a round of “Wonder Woman” smoothies, several scrap booking impressionists, and a continually retching boutique sales clerk, and you have the makings of an unbelievable reality competition.
In the first part of the competition, we are introduced to Brandon Gibson, a bartender, moonlighting for a day at Georgie’s Woof ‘N Poof, dog grooming shop. He arrives and immediately gets Hector his new boss, and Merilee, a co-worker wondering what the shop owner was thinking when Brandon got hired. Hector, already skeptical, likes high energy workers, but hates having to repeat himself and especially dislikes smokers. Working with Brandon may cause Hector to regret he didn’t call in sick that day. Hector begins by demonstrating the workings of successful pooch grooming. He shows Brandon the hot and cold water taps for each tub, repeating the importance of recognizing both. Two seconds later, Brandon asks Hector which tap is “hot” and which one is “cold.” Annoyed, Hector repeats his explanation. Then he shows him the shampoos and conditioners but, oops, Brandon doesn’t quite catch on and asks if the “blue” shampoo can also be used for the body. Hector rolls his eyes.
Meanwhile, John Grange arrives at Big Apple Smoothie. Happy-go-lucky John is a waiter who almost seems interested in learning the art of smoothie making. Not! He meets his co-workers Gustavo and Edgar, then finally his boss, Ozzie. You immediately sense that Ozzie is a no-frills kind of manager. He can’t stand sloppiness, bad customer service and employees who don’t take their jobs seriously. John looks over the smoothie menu and watches as Edgar ladles fruit into the blender. Edgar shows him the “womp, bam, boom” method of smoothie making. John’s first order is for a “Cousin Vinnie” smoothie. He does great with the “womp and boom” but goofs a little with the ingredients. He looks at the finished product and says it looks “disgusting.” They suggest he look the menu over since they are expecting things to get pretty busy. John gives him an “oh bummer” kind of look and yawns. I can’t help but feel for John’s co-workers. He apparently came to work expecting not to do anything.
While Hector continues to remind Brandon about lathering and rinsing the dogs, Brandon looks at a dog waiting in the tub and says, “He looks like a weird dog burrito.” He leaves the little wet dog waiting while he decides to tour the store area, taste testing the rawhide dog bones, and playing noisily with the squeaky toys. This causes French the pup to start barking. This totally irritates Merilee who finally tells Brandon to stop “annoying” the dog. While Brandon continues his tour, Hector pulls Merilee aside and tells her that Brandon is slow and lacks that go-getter personality. Not only that, he leaves the dogs sopping wet, then continuously asks what he’s supposed to do, rinse or lather? Hector’s blood pressure is clearly rising as he deals with Brandon’s short-term memory loss. He can’t even finish his lunch without being interrupted.
Over at the Big Apple, John continues to look over the menu. When asked about the ingredients for a “Wonder Woman” he totally gets things all wrong. His co-worker tells him, “You can’t be that burnt!” John tries to work on his customer service skills. He assures Ozzie that he’s good with customers. He practices his greeting, but he comes off robotic and stiff. He eagerly gives it a try as a female customer comes in and places an order. John manages to make a decent looking smoothie but can’t remember whether the customer has paid or not. He tells her, “You know, tipping makes you sexy.” She does the eye-rolling thing and walks away. The store phone rings but John’s cell phone also rings, so he opts to answer his personal call over the business call. He has an extremely loud and animated phone conversation leading us to believe that someone is stalking him. Ozzie reprimands him and tells him that he is not to accept any more calls unless it’s an emergency.
Meanwhile, Hector continues to be peeved by Brandon and is ready to give him the boot. Merilee agrees with him and says she thinks something is wrong with Brandon. Brandon heads off to grab lunch then ends up falling asleep. I guess there’s nothing like a nap after a good meal, huh?
Ozzie tells John to go outside and clean the chairs, tables and windows. John decides to hop on the phone instead. He casually sits down and complains about how much his job sucks. Meanwhile his ticked-off co-workers are standing there gawking at him in disbelief. When he comes inside, Ozzie scolds him about the phone calls, so in turn John tattles on Gustavo, accusing him of also being on the phone. (He was on a business call). Ozzie gives him a warning, but John begs to stay.
At the dog groomers, Brandon plays around with the dog sprayer, pulls out a cigarette and begins smoking in the bathing room. An irate Hector tells him no smoking is allowed as he sprays air freshener throughout the room. He complains that his room is now ruined. Hector is about to go off on Brandon. He seethes and tells him, “You need to leave.” Brandon feels that there has to be more to his job besides dog grooming. Hector reminds him that he was supposed to be experienced but instead Brandon took personal phone calls, and didn’t do anything he was supposed to do. “It’s not working … no experience, no job. You’re fired!” Brandon’s official firing time is 2:21 p.m.
Back at the smoothie bar, a customer comes in and orders a “Hercules” to which John is totally confused. He can’t seem to remember the ingredients. He goofs off and plays conga drums with the blender and some spoons. Ozzie glares at him and tells the co-workers that John isn’t working. He plans to tell him to go home. At 2:48, John is still employed, but barely. He accepts another personal phone call. Ozzie approaches him and tells him that he saw him on the phone after telling him phone calls weren’t allowed, and overall, he hasn’t been doing his job. John’s reply is, “Well, I’m not Big Apple Smoothie material.” Ozzie tells him to turn in his t-shirt and hat, and says, “You’re fired.” Unfortunately, John is fired at 3:13, 13 minutes after the deadline, so the $25,000 winner of this competition is Brandon the dog groomer.
Part 2 begins with the arrival of Meryl Chambers, at a clothing boutique called Alligator Purse. Her new boss, Christy, is particular about the store’s appearance, hates slackers, and is very meticulous about her name. She suggests that Meryl become familiar with the clothing while Christy cleans things up. Meryl browses through a magazine instead. Christy wonders whether Meryl’s parents were big Meryl Streep fans. Nonchalantly, Meryl tells her that her name is the same as a porn star. Meryl says to Christy, “It must be nice to have the same name as a character from one of my favorite TV shows “Three’s Company”. The character she is referring to is really named Chrissy Snow, and not Christy. You can tell Christy is getting pretty miffed.
At Scrapbook Central, Angela Kinsey arrives and meets co-workers Tina and Shannon and boss, Ginger. Ginger can’t stand complainers, cheerleading types, and people who pretend to know about scrap booking. Ginger tells them they need to move some racks around, to which Angela tells her that she’s a wimp at lifting things, but can do bookkeeping stuff instead. They ask her if she’s into scrap booking. She tells them that she puts pictures in photo albums and used to think she was an artsy, craftsy type of person. Tina can’t relate.
At the boutique, Christy helps a customer choose an outfit. Meryl gives her opinion and suggests moccasins would go perfect with the outfit. They all give her a weird look. Then Meryl takes off her shoes and walks around barefoot. She heads to the bathroom, and loudly makes gagging and retching noises. Everyone looks grossed out and uncomfortable. But she walks out as if everything is perfectly normal.
Over in scrap book land, Shannon attempts to show Angela how to use the scanning gun. She repeatedly uses the scanner and makes cheery noises while she scans. She sing-songs and announces to a customer that she is her “first”. That’s pretty obvious I imagine. Ginger high tails it to the back room, gets on the phone and complains that Angela is “crazy.” Angela offers to help Tina, but chooses to soundly play with a scrap book instead. She has gotten on Tina’s last nerve.
Things are quiet at Alligator Purse. Meryl asks, “What do you do when things are slow?” She tells her they can dust or clean up. Even though Meryl says, “Gotcha,” like she understands, she continues to laze around doing nothing. Christy makes a suggestion that Meryl turn the tags around on the clothing so they’ll be noticeable. As co-worker Kristina walks in, Meryl heads back to the bathroom and loud retching sounds echo from the bathroom. Christy fills Kristina in and tells her that Meryl has done nothing all day. She complains about how she placed clothing on a chair, but Meryl literally plopped down on top of them. She is ready to tell her to go home. As she leaves the bathroom, Christy suggests that since she is “sick” she should go home. Meryl tells her that she’s okay, and continues to “work.”
At Scrapbook Central, Angela spots a flying pig that hangs from the ceiling. She turns it on then pretends to get her finger stuck as she tries to turn it off. Ginger finally turns it off, while everyone exchanges uncomfortable looks. Ginger meets Tina in the bathroom. She tells Tina she is certain Angela doesn’t scrapbook, and has no clue. She predicts Angela will be fired.
Meryl walks around the store, and musses up the clothing. Christy goes behind her and straightens things up. Then Meryl crumples a sweater and tosses it aside on a display. She does this with a purse, moving it to an odd ball angle. Christy is exhausting herself trying to pick up behind Meryl. She is beyond frustrated with Meryl.
Angela butts heads with Shannon and Ginger over their choice in music. She walks over to the boom box and changes the station to classical music. Never mind Ginger, who was rocking out to the song on the radio. As she tries to balance the bass on the boom box, Tina tells her to change the station back to where it was before. I’m waiting for an all out chick fight, but Ginger just walks away totally upset. Angela receives a call on her cell phone. She answers it and loudly announces that she hates her job, feels like a fish out of water and is totally hung over. Of course eyebrows are raised. Ginger confronts her and tells her personal phone calls are not allowed. She also tells her she is fed up with her changing the radio station and says, “It’s not good.” She tells her that she was just trying to lighten the mood, and feels the store should be a fun place. She is skating on thin ice, but proceeds by telling her that she thinks the whole scrapbooking thing is just a big photo album at the end of the day. Ginger tells her it is “So not a photo album.” Angela pushes it, and tells her that scrapbooking is simply stickers and pictures. Ginger is about to commit murder, but pulls it together, and calmly tells Angela to take her phone calls next door if she receives further calls.
Meryl is busy doing nothing. She stretches out on a small cushioned chair and reads a magazine. Before long, she is calling hogs; snoring loudly. Christy and Kristina try to ignore the snoring and discuss clothing instead. Meryl soon wakes up, and heads off to the bathroom, AGAIN! She continues gagging and retching, but Christy remains tough and refuses to fire her. Meryl takes a phone call and says its okay to get phone calls since it’s not like she has “laid around all day”. Duh! She walks around barefooted, leaving her shoes in the middle of the floor. Christy takes a customer to the dressing room scoops up the shoes, and hands them to Meryl as she passes by. She is clearly ready to strangle her. At 2:38, Meryl is still taking personal calls. Christy fumes as she picks up more of Meryl’s mess. Meryl complains that her job is boring. Kristina overhears her and tells her she can leave. Meryl heads to Christy and asks if she could leave. Christy tells her that she is not supposed to walk around the store barefoot and tells her she has done a lot of things that weren’t allowed. At 2:41 she gladly tells her she is fired.
Angela is left with only minutes to attempt to get fired. She talks to Ginger and tells her she isn’t feeling utilized then asks if there’s something else she can do. She challenges Ginger by telling her that since she is the manager, she should determine the best fit for her employees. Ginger fumes. She can’t believe Angela is trying to tell her how to do her job. Angela tells her she would like to “manage” like Ginger. Ginger is offended. When Angela tells her that everything Ginger does is “silly” Ginger tells her that this might not be the best job for her. She tells her that she is fired! Since Angela is fired at 3:11 p.m. beyond the 3:00 deadline, the winner of $25,000 is Meryl.
When its time for the competitors to reveal themselves to their employers they are all met with shock. Everyone is good-natured and seems to be okay with being a part of Fire Me, Please. At the dog groomers, Hector calls Brandon a brat when he finds out the truth. At Big Apple Smoothie, the guys are all relieved but cool that John ends up being normal after all. Christy gives a nervous but relieved laugh when she discovers Meryl’s true identity, and Ginger is left speechless and stunned when she finds out Angela is a fake that actually likes scrapbooking.
Next week will be the final episode of Fire Me, Please. I’m looking forward to the show ending with a huge bang!
I welcome your comments and opinions. Feel free to contact me at Syrone@realityshack.com
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