Patrick's Mambo Italiano Make-Over: Queer Eye Episode 150 by Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl
Just so you know, vinegar sets your mouth on fire if you’re nursing a tongue you burned while sipping a mocha latte at Borders. Because right now, my lips are numb and I’m having trouble concentrating on all the glory that is Queer Eye. So if I seem a little off, just picture me typing with one hand and spraying myself in the mouth with a fire extinguisher, and you’ll have pity. Mea culpa.
Speeding through the city streets and never crossing a bridge, Jai welcomes everyone to his home of Long Island. Patrick is 21, a recent grad of Hofstra University (I went there for my masters!!!), a weight loss success story, and the sufficient answer to my penchant for younger men. However, he’s single, which means that he’s definitely not for me because I go for only unattainable men. Sigh. Ted explains that he weighed 280 and now he’s 180. Kyan regains the title of MOTO from the very start by saying, “He lost a hundred pounds!” Geez.
Although he’s lost weight, Patrick is still carrying around a lack of confidence with the ladies and some pretty heinous attire. Jai then explains that it’s hard to have friends when you’re fat. What the?? The mission: Something about flab and fab and it rhymed yet made no sense to me.
They arrive at the house which is on the water. Nice! Patrick answers the door in a black tee, black baseball cap, jeans, a thick chain, and a thick Lon Gisland accent. The man jewelry is huge. Sheila, his mom, says that they have to go to Patrick’s apartment out back.
Ah, the bachelor pad is always a pleasure. Thom says it “looks like a seafood restaurant on Cape Cod.” Ha! All white walls. Crap and clutter all over the place. Old rugs and linoleum. A wall of windows in the living room with no window treatment and some windows in the bedroom with random blue curtains that light shines right through. And no home is complete with two bicycles sitting around inside.
Jai omigods and oh boys at the bedroom. Ted finds a roll of paper towels by the bed. He says, “This is someone who masturbates a great deal.” HA! HA! Loving the Ted comedy.
Kyan and Thom check out old photos of fat Patrick. They wow because they’ve never seen anyone lose weight before.
Carson finds a bunch of ties and dress shirts that he says are from the Sopranos. Patrick says that he went to the open casting call for the show. Heehee. For once, Carson’s sarcasm hits the mark for real. Then Jai tries to imitate what I think is the Godfather or some mobster—all I know is that he’s got his shoulders around his ears and he’s doing a really bad impression. Stop that!
Then Thom tells Patrick that his entire place smells like mildew. I love how Thom breaks the news gently. Heehee. Patrick’s excuse is that he lives on the water. Umm, not every house on the water smells like mildew, Patrick. Thom suggests getting a dehumidifier.
Jai then finds a card signed by someone named Renee with a heart. He gasps and then pockets it. It would be really funny if Renee were a guy. I knew a guy named Renee once. I loved him so but he had a girlfriend named Giselle and now they probably have pretty babies together. Sigh. Jai then asks Patrick if he has a girlfriend and Patrick says no because he has “big trust issues.” Don’t we all? Get over it.
Over in the bathroom, Carson suds up the toilet.
Meanwhile, Kyan is riding around a mini-scooter that has pedals. He rides it out of the house and into the street. Heeheehee. He’s endeared himself to me yet again.
Carson jumps into the closet again and tells Patrick that his clothes are way too big now. Thom finds a back brace that Patrick used to wear for scoliosis. Thom says, “Can I wear it?” Ha! Ha! Ha! He calls it “very fashion forward.” Heeheehee.
Over in the living room, Kyan talks to Sheila about how Patrick really does like girls. And Kyan falls out of my good graces once again. Such a pointless conversation. Then they complain about the bathroom. Kyan is amazed how boys can live like slobs.
Carson then gets a hold of Sheila in a doorway and says, “What’s your husband’s name?” She smiles. He says, “Is it Dick?” She smiles more. “I thought so.” Heeheehee. Sheila then says, “He’s my Dick.” Carson exclaims, “He’s your Dick! There you go!” Ha!!!!
Jai then shows Patrick the card he found from Renee. Patrick is more than annoyed. “Where did you get that?” is all he can say in response.
Carson, Ted, and Thom circle around Sheila while eating those frozen ice sleeve things and ask her if she’s Italian. She says, “I am one hundred percent Irish!” Ted says, “So your husband is Italian.” She says, “No…he’s German and English.” Carson asks, “Why does Patrick seem Italian then?” Sheila says she learned how to cook Italian. Because food makes one Italian.
They send Sheila on her way. Thom asks Patrick why he’s going to Italy for a semester and Patrick says he needs to see some place other than the tri-state area which he doesn’t like all that much. You know what then, Patty? Leave! I’m so insulted.
Then Kyan swings around some candles in the bathroom a la some ancient ritual. Okay then.
Patrick takes Ted outside to show him “the nicest waterfront in the neighborhood.” They have a boat named “My Way.” They sit on the dock and Ted tells him that they’re going fishing. Patrick is excited. Ted reveals that they’re going to have a barbeque and host a high school reunion to show everyone the slimmed down Patrick.
Meanwhile, Thom is poking at a layer of scum in the house. Carson instructs, “Scrape it up. We can make a scum sandwich.” So gross.
Patrick returns and Jai says, “Your place sucks.” Heehee. Patrick complains that they’re rude to him but they say that they love him and will make him all better. Then they all whoo-hoo and dance the Patrick shuffle.
Oh. My. God. I really can’t get over these Bobby Brown commercials. Jeez. Someone make it stop!
Patrick’s parents interview that Patrick was a happy little kid but not so little and he needs to get over his hang-up about women.
Ted takes Patrick on a boat to meet Dave who has one of the best restaurants in the city. Either Dave’s last name is Pesca or his restaurant is named Pesca. Either way, it’s all about the fish. Patrick, as endearing as ever, gives Dave a solid handshake and a congratulations as Ted explains that Dave won the big big cooking award of the year. And then they get permission from Captain Artie to come aboard. Yippee. I fear boats. Well, that’s not true. I fear falling off of a boat and drowning. This boat? Very small looking. I would wear wings and flippers. Yet another enticement to attract Patrick into my lair.
Then Ted tells Dave that Patrick used to be fat. The whole point of losing weight is to feel healthier and better about yourself. When Ted tells people that Patrick used to be fat, that kinda defeats the point. Anyway, Dave explains that the food they make at Esca (which is not Pesca, as I thought it was before. Again, mea culpa) is a lighter style of Italian cooking than other types of Italian cooking. Dave is incredibly Italian and incredibly a New Yorker. Accent. Hand gestures. The works. Love it.
They talk more about fish. Have I mentioned that Ted and Patrick are wearing this huge orange fishing outfits. You know, those wading boot thingies that are really pants that come up to your shoulders and have suspenders to hold them up? Yeah, those. But Dave and Captain Artie aren’t wearing them. How fashionable. Dave has a fish in a net that’s flipping around a bit. That’s right. Suffocate the poor animal for no reason. I think they’re using these fish as bait for bigger fish. Can that be right? I’m so not a fisherman. Or fisherwoman. Either way, I hate the smell of fish. I like to just eat it off of a plate without thinking about its back history.
So Dave shows Patrick and Ted how to fish. Captain Artie says, “They say there’s a trick to catching fish. The trick is finding the fish.” Ha! And the comedy rolls in from the captain. Ted comes up with a mass of seaweed algae stuff and says, “It’s for the vegetarians in the group!” Heeheeee. Then Ted catches a sea trout and high fives all around.
Then they start randomly talking about Patrick’s party and his friends from high school who haven’t seen him skinny. I think someone coached Dave to ask because Dave doesn’t seem like the type of person who cares about Patrick’s party when they’re in the middle of fishing.
Patrick then takes off with Thom and Kyan. Kyan asks how dating is different. Patrick says he’s getting more girls now than before. He holds that against girls because they never looked at him when he was fat. Thom points out that overweight people don’t go out and get brought home. Patrick sees the light and decides to let the lovin in.
Thom takes Patrick into Boca Grande to find décor rich in history yet modern. They look at 100 year old Indian wood furniture and a big white sofa. Obligatory couch sitting ensues. Then they look at a brown leather butterfly chair and Patrick is all comfy in it.
Kyan then takes over at some Movement Salon with Patrick. He shows him a system of exercise good for his spine. Kyan introduces him to his instructor. They make Patrick bend over and they poke at his back. Then they put him on the machine and he works it. Kyan watches, spread eagle and in spandex shorts, next to Patrick.
Patrick then meets up with Carson at Armani Exchange because he loves Italian. Carson wants to update his look with clothes that have military inspiration of blues and greens. He puts Patrick in distressed denim 34 inch jeans and Patrick calls them tight but they’re really fine. The rest of the FF show up and Patrick walks the runway for them. Thom says it’s an improvement because he “doesn’t look like he’s going to rob anything.” Ha!
Outfit two is green military pants, a black distressed motorcycle jacket, and a t-shirt. Carson likes how it accentuates his torso. Outfit three is brown pants with a belt with a big buckle, a black shirt, and a black jacket. And he wears sunglasses with everything because it’s Armani, dammit.
Jai and Patrick then run over to the Church Lounge in the Tribeca Grand Hotel. Jai talks to him about girls. He tells Patrick that he invited Renee to the party. Then Jai introduces his lady friend Lala to Patrick. Oh, no. It’s Lala from MTV. She used to annoy me when I actually watched MTV video shows. They make him go introduce himself to girls at the lounge. He’s nervous but he goes to it right away.
He takes a walk through the place and takes a big gulp of his drinks, which looks like vodka and cranberry. Heehee. Liquid courage. He asks some girl if he can sit with her and then asks what she’s studying. He’s very confident and now I notice that he’s still wearing the last outfit he tried on at Armani. Nice. Jai and Lala are listening in and watching using high-tech earplug things.
They talk about NYU. She’s from Texas. Patrick talks about his friend from Texas who also goes to NYU. Jai and Lala say, “no one cares about the friend” and that he should ask her name perhaps. True about the name thing but he may be going somewhere with the whole I know someone you might know thing.
Jai then comes over to cockblock. He gets the girl’s name—Kristen—and then asks if he can steal Patrick. She says sure and Patrick packs up his cock and follows Jai back to Lala. Lala offers “constructive criticism” in the form of telling him he did a good job but he could do better. Jai wants him to find someone else to talk to and invite to the party.
He asks some blonde her name—Ali—and he talks to her and her friend about the party. Jai comments that “he’s very like howyoudoin.” He is! Patrick invites them to the “new me high school reunion party.” Yeah, I don’t think I’d go to something called that ever but you never know what works for other people. They say they’ll come. Lala is impressed that he has two chicks going with him. Umm, did Patrick tell them where the party is?
Buy the Queer Eye DVDs dammit!!!
Patrick’s teacher interviews that he loves his parents.
Carson and Jai load into the SUV with Patrick after his haircut. His head and beard have been trimmed. Carson gushes, “You look hot! I could almost crash the car right now!” Jai says that he should be excited. Patrick says he is and then tells Carson about the girls he invited. Then Carson asks about Renee and Patrick FINALLY admits that he had a crush on her and he didn’t think she had any romantic feelings towards him.
They arrive at Patrick’s place. Thom says, “I have one word for you—gymnasium.” Patrick’s like, “huh?” but when he opens his eyes, he gives an omigod. The floor is squares of blue, gray, and off-white. There’s now a table and chairs in the corner and some exercise equipment along the wall o’ windows. The windows all have blinds but still no curtains. The walls are blue.
Thom shows him an air conditioning system that works with the humidifier to keep the mildew away. They bring him into the “international basement apartment” which is the living part. Same carpeting. The wooden shelves from before are against a wall and hold the television and some odds and ends. There’s also a trunk with a plant on top next to that. To break up the blue, Thom hung some wall murals of the Coliseum and other Italian landscapes.
Patrick and Ted talk about fish in the kitchen. Ted brags that he’s the gay guy from out of town yet he was the one who caught the fish. Ha! The main dish of the day is fish on a cedar plank. Wet the plank so it doesn’t catch on fire. Nail the fish to the plank. Put some ham on top and grill away!
Then Ted grills vegetables. The marinade has balsamic vinegar and extra virgin olive oil. He adds garlic. Yum.
Then he breaks out the white wine. It’s good with fish. This is actually pretty simple by Ted’s standards.
Carson then takes Patrick over to the new gym and gives him new sneakers. Carson lectures about how men don’t know their own sizes. He shows Patrick how to measure himself using bones as reference points. Patrick is a 36. I have no idea what that means. Then Carson says, “The last, and my favorite, is the inseam. Here, let me.” Heeeeeheeeeee! He kneels down and takes the measurement in front of a suddenly uncomfortable Patrick. Patrick cups his package with both hands just in case.
Then they pick out a party outfit. Green, blue, and denim. Hooray.
Kyan then lectures about being in tune with your body. He suggests Patrick does circuit training. He has a tread climber!!! That’s awesome. Next they go to the Bowflex. And then free weights. His dumbbells have some sort of dial function. Weird. Confusing. So unnecessary. Then Patrick does abs. And finally back to the tread climber. That’s a really good workout, actually.
Finally, Patrick and Jai sit down for Jai’s pep talk. Jai tells Patrick that it’s okay to have girls as just friends. I think he already knows that.
They all gather in the living room and Ted lets the Pinot Grigio flow. Carson tells Patrick that he needs to ask Ali out on a date at the party. Patrick tells them that they are sensational. Carson makes him say it “more gay.” Heehee. He thanks them more and then they leave. Patrick cleans up.
Over to the Critic Couch. The Fab Five all compliment each other. Then Ted warns that Patrick is going to “mutilate some fish.” They all groan, Kyan especially. Heehee.
Patrick is still cleaning up and then he finds a note from Ted that says he needs to clean some fish. Oh! Now I get it! The FF had been saying how much they like patchwork before and I kind of ignored it. But now, I realize, they kept calling Patrick “Patches” because that’s how Ted addressed the note. I am so slow. Anyway.
Mambo Italiano plays in the background as Patrick starts cooking. He scales some fish. He wipes some fish. Then he swings his arms around maniacally. Carson and Ted yell, “Bees!” Oh. That explains it.
Kyan grimaces and Jai runs away from the screen holding his nose as if they have smell-o-vision as Patches guts the fish. Jai says, “Tell me when it’s over.” Heehee. Love Jai. Patches follows the instructions from before and nails the fish to the boards. Heehee. I make myself laugh.
Then he goes ballistic on some bags of ice. Carson calls him scary. Kyan says he’s “forceful with that ice.” I think he may be turned on.
Patches goes inside and strips to take a shower. The FF all say, “There we go” and gawk at him. Then they moan because he closes the bathroom door. As if he was gonna leave it open. Skip to Patrick putting on jeans and a green shirt with a blue button down over it. Then he goes to grill some more stuff but he’s not wearing any apron.
Sheila and Dick show up. Carson calls them spellbound. Sheila cries and laughs. He shows them the boat with new furniture. Then, Patrick shows Dick and Sheila his new digs. Sheila is overwhelmed. She leaps into the dramatics with “oh! oh! oh!” and a few “I can’t take it” hand waves. The FF mimic her with simultaneous Oh! Oh!’s. Heeheeheee. They love Sheila. Heeheeheeeeee! This is hilarious. She keeps fanning herself and the FF keep Ahhhhh-ing and Ohhhhhh-ing right along with her. Usually, I hate shriekers but this is funny.
Finally, the party starts. Lots and lots of people are there. Patrick’s parents greet everyone. Even one of his teachers is there. Renee shows up and the FF are intrigued. Patrick finally comes around the bend and the FF cheer and clap while the people at the party? Laugh. But it’s laughs of amazement. Then his friends start hugging him. Carson and Ted point out that Patrick and a guy friend did a straight guy hug. They demonstrate, patting each other on the back three times while saying, “I’m not gay!” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!
More handshaking and congratulating. Ali hasn’t shown up yet. Patrick doesn’t seem to care because he’s cooking and handing out food. He also has his sunglasses up on his eyebrows. Carson, reading my mind, says he wants him to move the sunglasses elsewhere. Ted then puts his own glasses on his eyebrows. Heehee.
Patrick asks his dad to help out. Thom comments, “It’s great to have an indentured servant!” Heehee.
Then Patrick opens his yearbook to show everyone the up-close different. Dick then tries to flag down Patrick because stuff is on fire. Ted gives it all a ten for presentation. Heehee. The cedar planks are burning up so Dick hoses them down. Then? Dick drops all the veggies. Ted and Kyan wave their arms around, shouting “Five second rule! Five second rule!” Heeheheeeeeee! Lovin the comedy.
Patrick then serves just the fish. Kyan says that you can’t tell if grilled veggies are dirty or not. Ted wouldn’t want to eat off the dock, but no one needs to know really.
Then, Ali arrives with her friend. She asks for Patrick and he gets all high voiced and thanks her for coming and then gives her wine to liquor her up good. Renee? All jealous and stuff. Everyone else? Staring and confused. Because why would you invite just one new person to a party that has the rest of your friends from high school there? I’m just sayin.
Patrick then thanks everyone for showing up and he’s happy. Sheila is proud. Patrick takes Renee to the boat and tells her that he’s done lots of thinking since he’s seen her last. He wants her in his life. Renee tells him that he looks hot and he tells her she looks ravishing.
Kyan would rather see him talking to Ali. He wants Patrick to have a “convo” with her. I love that word. Convo. Oh, Kyan. It’s so love/hate with us.
And just as Kyan desired, Patrick asks Ali aside. Thom says, “out with the old, in with the new, come on down because you’re the next contestant on Patches.” Ha ha!!!
Patrick explains to Ali about how he was self-conscious and fat and now he’s not so he wants to go out on a date. Then he shows her to his place. She explains that she just lost eleven pounds too. He tells her she looks great. Yippeee.
The Fab Five talk about how Patches’ parents used to worry about him. They toast to Patches. And to Sheila, and then they all shriek a la Sheila. Heehee. Carson says, “And let’s not forget our favorite.” And they all say, “DICK!” Ha! Best toast yet.
Carson says to remove pills from sweaters with a razor.
Thom says to hang it before you bang it. I’m leaving it at that.
Kyan says that you need to talk while you exercise.
Jai says to avoid pick up lines.
Ted says that lemons can remove smells and clean countertops and they’re tart.
Patrick is now truly a Pasqual and headed to Italy in style.
Losing eleven pounds versus losing a hundred—you decide which is more commendable. Email me: Christina@realityshack.com
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