Extreme Makeover: Joe Edition - Average Joe 4: The Joes Strike Back, Episode 1 by Hildee Weiss
The premiere of Average Joe 4 was delayed two hours due to President Bush’s news conference but I’ll be the first to tell you, it was well worth the wait!
Though I hadn’t watched the three earlier installments, the first few minutes of this run helped me play catch-up. I got to see lots of kissing, hugging, emotional farewells. I admit, I was furklempt. Then, I just felt something else altogether when the next scene showed a bunch of guys modeling the latest line of swimwear. I’m seeing bellies everywhere. Jiggly bellies, grown men doing belly flops, you get the point.
Anna is introduced as a model with a business degree. And she hasn’t watched reality television in a long time! In one scene, she confesses that she wants a nice guy and she can see herself falling in love this time around. In the next scene, she’s playing tongue hockey with more than one Joe.
The preview continues and there are a lot of surprises in store this time around. A few hunks will show up in the coming weeks’ episodes and “make the Joes go home with tears in their eyes.” (I’m afraid it looks like things are going to get ugly for the beautiful Anna.) If that’s not bad enough, a hidden camera will show who is and isn’t being true to Anna. But wait…there will be a chance for some of the rejected Joes to even the score when they are chosen to be made-over and return to win Anna’s affections!
The voice-over asks, “Can there be true love between a true beauty and an Average Joe?” Well, get out the popcorn and come meet some of the guys!
Dante, 34, says either you like him or you don’t. (I could be wrong but I think he’s referring to his hairstyle.)
Chuck, 36, says that despite people assuming that he’s a mean guy with a dog, he has a cat.
Art, 36, has the gift of gab. I don’t know about anyone else but after listening to his commentaries throughout the hour, I wish he’d have a silencer.
Jason, 22, scored a 1550 on his SATs. His brother, however, got a perfect score. Apparently, he’s not the family genius. That was his joke, not mine.
Damian, 36, is a member of Mensa. He claims it’s a disease.
And then, there is Bill, 21. He’s an active member of the Hilary Duff Fan Club. Now, that is a sure-fire pick-up to get a girl!
Anna is then introduced. She describes herself as an energetic, happy person who sees the positive in things. And she’s a hopeless romantic. She’s being driven around in a limo and she wants to know where she’s going. Personally, my guess is to the fashion police. Did she not forget the sacred rule that redheads don’t wear pink?! Alas, she pulls up to a marina, where she is escorted onto a fabulous yacht and a crew awaiting her arrival. “It’s a once in a lifetime experience,” she shares.
While I assume Anna is taking her Dramamine, the Joes gather at a gym for a reunion with three former Joes: Brian Worth, Freddo LaPonza, and that freaky David guy. They are told that they have been recruited to an elite fraternity. One previous player warns the new Joes to show no fear of the steroid-pumping hunks who will be coming in to woo Anna. I hate to be a downer but have you seen these guys? I’m afraid and I’m only a commentator.
Anna gets sentimental as she tours her yacht, claiming this is a dream come true and that she feels like a kid in a candy store. Aww.
We’re back to the Joes, playing a game of dodgeball in the gym. Does anyone remember that toy from the 70’s called weeble wobble? Well, apparently it’s making a come-back and its face resembles various cuties from the Average 4 installment. 22 Joes have gathered but only 18 will make it. Who should be make the first cut?
Should it be Nick the magician? Or John, the circus side show freak with the 163 I.Q.? Or the leotard clad Dante, who is shown falling on his face while muttering about his humor taking away someone else’s pain?
The Joes are getting creamed but they do put up a good fight. As John, the circus freak, is eliminated, he comments that this isn’t the first time he’s been excluded because of the way he looks. I won’t even comment on that one.
Back on the yacht, Anna shares that she is single for the first time in nine years and she doesn’t know what to expect. She’s sure the guys are as nervous as she is! Sure, they’re nervous. They have to make sure their battle wounds stay hidden!
It’s feeding time at the zoo, announces one of the Joes. Igor is featured, chowing down anything that resembles food. Someone compares him to John Belushi’s character in Animal House. I just think he’d benefit from a back wax. More guys are introduced. Joshua says he has a nice Jesus look to him.
Switch over to Anna, who is acting out the “I am king of the world” scene from Titanic. She’s curious to see the guys. Sure. She hasn’t been shown the clip of them in their bathing suits!
Anna arrives at the beach, wearing a different hot pink dress. It seems like forever until the bus pulls up and the door opens. Anna whispers that her heart is pounding. I swear, the theme song from Jaws is playing in the background.
The first to exit is Dante. Anna laughs, saying “oh my God.” And that is before Dante presents her with an aluminum foiled rose. And who says romance is dead?
Clay prides himself on being a virgin. Nick, the magician, wants this more than anybody. (I suggest he performs some magic really quick!) Harold reminds me of Ron Howard from “Happy Days.” Joshua a/k/a Jesus practically runs a marathon to greet her face to face. Matt confides that at five foot five inches, he isn’t exactly the hottest sexual specimen in the group. And these are the cream of the crop, folks.
Another “oh my gosh” is uttered by Anna as she meets Igor, who loves redheads and wants to get more acquainted. Apparently, that isn’t all she said because a hidden camera shows her laughing to herself, “It’s not exactly what I was expecting. These aren’t the kind of guys I would normally date or be physically attracted to.”
They’re not psychos though…she thinks.
Anna mingles with all of the Joes at a beach party and is overwhelmed by the whole scene. There’s 18 of them and only one of her, she cries! Josh feels like he’s back in a New York bar, with all of the other guys pouncing on the pretty girl.
The guys gather on the beach while Anna takes her position on what appears to be a dartboard stand. The guys look nervous as she begins to announce her decision. She admits the situation sucks and that she feels bad saying goodbye to the following six:
Aaron F.
Harold (who, I’m sure, would have taken her to places she’s never been, both mentally and physically.)
Damian
Bill
Matt
Nick (The disappearing act really works.)
But good ole’ Nick has a trick up his sleeve. As one of the six eliminated Joes, he’s been picked for an extreme make-over and a chance to come back to capture Anna’s affections. He is treated to a personal trainer and a life coach, who tells him to forget the magic tricks on the first date. We see Nick getting his eyes, chin and teeth fixed. There’s new hair, new clothes…a whole new Nick.
Will Nick have better success with Anna this time around? Stay tuned for next week’s episode.
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