Hector’s Happy Homecoming: Queer Eye Episode 202by Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl
Another military make-over, the first of the new season. In case you’ve forgotten, this season is THE HUGEST SEASON EVER MADE! Unlike the other military men of seasons passed, this Marine was wounded and is now home. So to bring him good cheer, he’s being surrounded by five gay men who will pluck and prod him for our amusement. Let’s get started, shall we?
And we’re speeding through the streets of NYC in a black SUV. Hector is a 25 year old guy with a button down shirt, jeans, and a military haircut. Because he’s in the military and they all have the same haircut because it’s part of their charm. He’s also now in a wheelchair yet lives in a home that is not wheelchair accessible. And he has a fiancée because everyone on earth has a fiancée except for me. Am I bitter? No. Just alone. All alone. So very, utterly alone. But this isn’t about me, now is it? Back to the engaged Hector. The boys clap because his fiancée stayed with him while he was injured. Nice! The Fab Five decide that their mission is to throw an engagement party for, as Jai says, “a very bright and happy future.” Aww, puppies and moonbeams galore.
The SUV pulls up to Hector’s parents’ house where he currently resides in the non-wheelchair friendly basement. Carson screams, “I love what you’ve done to the living room!” It’s a basement—chill. But he’s right—it’s a big, dark hole. Ted wipes the ceiling and says, “Look, he has a dust collector.” Heehee. Meanwhile, Jai finds a collection of colognes and says, “This is how you know you’re on Long Island.” Ha! I know it all too well.
Hector has been living out of boxes because he can’t climb stairs. Jai? Is still going through the cologne. Among Hector’s boxes are pretty little collectible dolls that he claims are his mother’s. Sure, sure. Because military men don’t collect dolls. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, know what I mean.
Carson climbs the stairs to meet Hector’s flustered and schrreching mom. Then Thom comes up yelling, “OMIGOD!” over and over again. He says he wants to meet the parents.
Kyan finds a nose hair trimmer and gushes. He asks if Hector has always been a good groomer.
Upstairs, they meet the dad too. Then Kyan dons a sombrero as Carson finds a masturbating statue. Love the décor. Then they observe the fiancee’s ring and approve.
Carson and Thom read through an album that the fiancée made for Hector. They talk about how he crushed his pelvis in five pieces. Ouch. He was in the hospital for eight months.
Kyan then asks what he can’t do now that he used to do. Ted finds out that Hector can walk but it’s very, very painful. One day, he may walk again. Then Ted and Jai make his mom cry. Good job.
Carson tells Hector that as much as they love his “Bavarian Wonderland” they need to see the new place. Ha!
Then, Hector takes the Fab Five for a spin! Cool. He tells Thom that he started crying the first time he started driving again because he got his independence and freedom back. That is so gosh darn true. Without my car, I would be bound to my house and dependent on my mother driving me from place to place in her 1988 Toyota Carolla hatchback that now has a busted headlight and a side mirror that’s hanging by chicken wire, I kid you not. My friends would most likely disown me because no self-respecting 20-something woman should have her mom chauffer her around town in a ghetto wagon. Oh, wait, this still isn’t about me. Back to Hector yet again.
They drive up to Hector’s house, which is big and white. Ted says it looks great. But that’s only the outside—dun, dun, DUN! Hector pops a wheely to get past the front door and everyone omigoshes. Carson (I think) yells out, “I love your carpeting!” Heehee. The wall to wall carpeting is fuchsia. No joke.
There’s a mirrored wall (a la the one my grandmother had in her living room in the Bronx) with a golden sconce hanging out in the middle of it. Thom says that the lighting is from the Liberace collection. Heehee. The walls are white. It’s mostly bare save the dining table and chairs sitting in the middle of a big space.
Kyan, Mr. MOTO himself, asks Hector if it’s hard for him to wheel around on the carpet. Hector says, “Yes. Plus it’s pink.” Ha! As if the color impedes his path. I’m loving the comedy from Hector. Kyan, on the other hand, should not be allowed to ask any more questions. As a matter of fact, he should not speak unless it’s something about hair, and even then, he should keep it to a minimum.
Sidenote—I realize that throughout my recaps, I have become very bitter towards the man I once loved so dearly and I have no idea why. So, Kyan, I am extending a heartfelt apology for all the harshness that you’ve endured. And for the insults and bitterness yet to come this season because it’s a lot of fun to make fun of you and I’m so not stopping now. Heeheehee. I am so going to Hell.
Over in the bathroom, Ted opens some doors and comments, “I might have discovered the ugliest vanity on the planet.” And I cringe because I’m pretty sure it’s the same vanity that I grew up with and that still remains in my parents’ bathroom. Thank you, Ted, for scarring me.
I have to say, I like the new presentation this season—they use half screens to switch between rooms and they do picture in picture stuff. Kind of like the techniques the people at “Jake In Progress” use which stars my future husband John Stamos. Maybe it’s the new cut-tos that make this the biggest season ever. Anyway, over to the picnic-table-like dining area that they tactfully call “spacious” because there’s just lots of space and a hard wood floor. Next to that is a huge luxury bathroom that does not contain an ugly vanity. Whatever.
Over to the living room where Carson and Thom are yanking at the wallpaper. Carson exclaims, “Look! It just peels right off!” Jai stage whispers, “He is going to kill you.” I sense real fear considering Hector is a Marine and Jai is about five pounds.
Next to the living room is a big empty room with a blue carpet and some junk. Carson says, “In the real estate world, this is called the bonus room.” I don’t even know what that means but I’ll agree.
Hector wheels through the kitchen and is taken aback as he sees the living room walls from the doorway. He goes on through as Ted explains, “They’ve already started some stripping.” Hector touches the wall where the paper used to be. Jai calls out in a very I-told-you-so way, “Hector’s a little upset!” Heehee. As in, Hector, don’t kill me because I had no part in it and I told them not to do it.
Back in the kitchen, Ted tells Hector’s fiancée that it’s already a dream kitchen. It is. Everything is sparkling white and airy with a wood floor and new appliances.
Over in the foyer, Thom is swinging around a mini-chandelier light fixture until it comes tumbling down, causing Carson to take cover and whimper like a little girl. Nice. Thom, because he meant to do that, says, “See? It comes apart.” Ha!
Still in the kitchen, Ted gushes over their wine refrigerator, which he calls a “wine cooler.” Don’t Bartles and James make those. Hector strolls in and reports that the chandelier is now down. The fiancée? Not very upset about it. Hector says, “Okay but that guy Thom is like a walking disaster.” HA! HA! Bring it, Hector.
Cut to Thom unscrewing an electrical face plate while he complains that the outlets are outdated. He says he hopes he doesn’t die from electrocution. A common wish of all people.
Then Jai asks the fiancée about her dad. She explains that he died but had been such a good guy. So this is one of those uplifting shows.
Hector tells Thom he wants big, comfortable couches so he can stretch out when he’s out of the chair. Then, Carson, Jai, and Thom surround him and try to force him to moisturize. He wheels away rather quickly. They all send the fiancée, Andrea (got her name finally) on her merry way.
Then Carson inspects the closet. Although Hector can reach things, Carson can make it easier. He also wants to buy Hector clothes for the engagement party. And Thom? Is still tearing down the wallpaper.
Ted and Jai are left behind as the others go shopping. Jai asks, “Why do we always get stuck with the dirty work?” Ted, obviously not even thinking about it, says, “You know, that’s a good question.” Heehee.
Andrea and Mom interview that Hector feels like a burden but he’s strongwilled.
On the road again with Kyan at the helm, Hector calls his mom a drama queen. Then he talk about how Andrea visited him all the time when he was in the hospital.
And into Kenneth Cole where Carson molests some zebra-fabric covered furniture. Hector says, “You’re a lunatic.” Heehee. Carson shows him some shoes. Hector no like. Then some more. Nope, nope, nope. Then Carson tells him to try them all on. They find flexible shoes with no metal and then Hector says that he has all kinds of metal in his body. Carson calls him the bionic woman and Hector corrects, “Bionic MAN!” Heehee.
Then, Hector’s mom shows up. Heehee. Drama queen. Hector rolls out of the dressing room and does a 360. Carson tells him to be a model. He’s wearing dark denim jeans, black flexible shoes that Hector didn’t like before, a bright button down, and a black blazer. And sunglasses on his head, of course.
The next outfit is a black and white suit. Hector feels confident and comfortable. His mom has not stopped laughing since she got there. Hector goes to change while Carson and Mom go shopping.
Then, Hector meets John Nicholas, Hector Delgado Sr, and Kyan. John has developed a way to play golf with specialized equipment. (John is in a wheelchair too). Hector swings and hits and swings and hits and everyone cheers. Then Hector stands to swing and everyone is happy again. Then Hector Senior swings and misses about ten times. Carson says, “You suck about as much as I do.” Heehee. John Nicholas says that gold helps build self-esteem.
Thom and Ted take Andrea to a furniture store that designs furniture that is useful for people in wheelchairs. He shows her furniture that slides out and rolls. Then Thom folds Ted up in a bed that folds into the wall. Ha! Then Thom shows her a cupboard thing that helps you reach up and grab what you need from a seated position. Good for Hector.
Now Hector is meeting up with Jai, Kyan, and Diane at a fabric place. Jai has gotten Andrea’s dad’s old badge so that they can embroider something like it. Hector says she’s been through more than he has. Awww. Jai suggests personalizing it. Kyan asks if she has a nickname that she calls him like pookie. Jeez. No one uses pookie anymore! Not even as a joke! Kyan! (There’s that unnecessary bitterness again. Heeee!)
FYI: Bravo is continuing with the idea of airing the life of Bobby Brown. I shudder.
Andrea interviews that the basement is not an uplifting environment. Which would be why he’s moving out, right?
Back in the SUV, Kyan asks Hector to recount his traumatic experience during which someone had to stop his internal bleeding, a friend was killed, and another was injured horribly. Then they discuss survivor’s guilt. Again, part of the uplifting theme of the episode.
The Fab Five count to three and reveal the new house to Hector. He says, “Holy!” And stops short. They encourage him with, “You can say the word.” Without any more hesitation, he says, “Holy Shit!” Only it sounds more like “Holy BLEEP!” Heehee. I love censorship.
The floors are now hardwood. They have a backlit wall of wine. Some square-patterned wall paper. He has green walls and white furniture accented by a red chair and flat screen in the other part of the room. The original living room is now the dining room. Thom left lots of space around everything for the wheelchair to get through. Some candle sconces are on the walls. Just an entirely new house that I want to live in. Can I move in? I’m little and won’t take up much space and I promise not to eat a whole lot.
Ted then shows Hector all the cool wheelchair friendly stuff in the kitchen like the pully down thing for the high cupboards. Hector is so happy.
Back in the living room, Hector realizes he has a plasma screen television. Jai the electronics fairy has gotten him a year subscription to Netflix. I love Netflix! Cool. Then Jai gives him stuff to make a scrapbook for Andrea. Then he tells him he must write an inscription in the beginning. He has no choice. Or else. Jai is so bossy.
Over in the kitchen, Ted shows Hector how to make dessert bruschetta. They use strawberries and mascatone cheese that’s usually used for filling cannoli. They put mint in it too. Okay then. Hector says that it’s way too much for a large party. Ted says, “Well, Hector, you don’t get to make that call.” Even more bossy. Love it, Ted!
Carson then takes Hector into the closet and shows him how it’s more accessible. In the closet. Heeheehee. Let me say it one more time. Carson’s in the closet. Heeee. Okay, I’m done. Carson shows Hector a dark sport coat and a bright shirt. He tells him to wear the loafers for the party. Capice? Capice.
Outside, Kyan shows Hector a hand bike. The whole point is for him to be active and do something with Andrea. So he also got Andrea a bike that has a low seat. Then he opens the garage and says, “You have four homosexuals!” Heehee. Carson complains that he’s just like Jan Brady and then says, “I’ll bring up the rear.” Ha!
They all ride around. Then Kyan runs right into Hector. Stop being so self-absorbed and watch where you’re going!
They all go back inside and Hector thanks them for everything because things have been hard for him and they’ve made it all a bit easier. Then they all leave with Kyan yelling, “Go golfing! Go golfing!” And Hector answers with a slight shrug, “Okay, I will.” Because golfing should be a very high priority when he has to get ready for a huge engagement party.
Hip Tip: Jai says to decorate parties with photos because birthdays are about people.
The marine buddy interviews that they’ve all been through a lot together.
The Fab Five gather round the critic couch with lots of wine. They watch as Hector puts together a scrap book about his relationship with Andrea since she made one of his accident. Hector writes an inscription as he was told by Jai. Then he wraps it with ribbon and the FF are impressed. Kyan says that marines wrap a lot of gifts.
Hector starts to get dressed in the outfit Carson told him to. Then he puts it all back and chooses something else. Carson calls it “going GAY-WOL.” Ha! Hector puts on a gray shirt—so dreary! according to Carson.
Andrea comes home and does a silent laughing shocked kind of thing. She whispers, “Oh my God.” Only it’s more like “Oh, my Gawd.” Heehee. She’s amazed at everything. In the kitchen, they toast to the new home and to their marriage. Carson adds, “To a new life.” Ted admires Hector’s sense of romance.
Thom admires how Hector can just hop on the sofa. Hector gives her the scrapbook. She giggles and smiles. They kiss. So in love. Thom loves how cute they are. Yippee.
Back in the kitchen, Andrea asks what they’re making and Hector has forgotten the name. Then the doorbell rings and caterers arrive. Ted explains that Hector and Andrea are responsible only for the dessert. Thom says, “Good because I was concerned about the four pieces of bread they were making.” Ha!
The doorbell rings again and the first guests are there. Let the party begin. Hector’s parents come in and Mom tears up. She says, “Hecta. It is spectacula!” Hahaha. Jai explains to the FF that the doctor that saved Hector and the third guy from the accident are going to be there and Hector doesn’t know.
Mom then tries the bruschetta and loves it.
Matthew, the third man from the accident, comes in and hugs Hector. He meets Mom who cries hysterically. Matthew hugs her more. Then the doctor comes in. And Ted takes the title of MOTO as he points out, “That’s the doctor that saved his life.” Kyan, say ‘thank you’ to Ted now. Mom hugs the doctor and thanks him. The doctor says, “About 90 people saved his life.” Aww. So humble. Then Mom introduces him as “the miracle doctor who saved my son’s life.” Heehee. Such a drama queen but apropos right here.
In the living room, Matthew tells Hector he is an inspiration and calls him amazing. Hector? Cries like a baby. Again, apropos and I don’t know how he held out this long. Then the doctor toasts to fallen comrades and says he admires Hector’s spirit and service. Then Hector gives Andrea the embroidery and he and Andrea bawl. He boasts that he did some of the stitching and they all laugh and cry at the same time. This is the happiest depressing moment ever!
Carson calls Andrea a good woman. Kyan regains the title of MOTO when he says that Hector has gone through things they couldn’t even imagine.
Jai says to ask people in wheelchairs if they want help before grabbing on and wheeling them where you think they want to go.
Carson says that cutting sandpaper sharpens scissors and then you can cut ties off of mannequins.
Kyan says that oranges help you ride a bike without getting all dirty.
Thom says that wood floors are cool.
Ted says that a flute glass concentrates wine bubbles so wine remains tickly.
So while Hector remains the same guy with a cologne collection, his home gets a necessary make-over.
Do you have a MOTO in your life? Email me and commiserate at christina@realityshack.com
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