All Play ... And No Work! - Fire Me Please, Episode 2by Syrone Harvey
The second episode of “Fire Me…Please” gave understanding to the recognition of “Boss Appreciation Day" as the “newly hired, newly fired” competition continued. The unwitting targets, the bosses and co-workers, are the real heroes, as they endure the mindless antics of their new employees. However the new hires have an agenda of their own; attempting to get fired as close to, but not beyond 3:00 p.m.
The competition begins with teacher Dave Hill from Chicago, hired to work at a coffee house called Romancing the Bean, while student Cat Reitman lands a job at a trendy boutique called Blush. Host Dave Holmes explains the rules of the competition: to do whatever they can to get fired except, break the law, spill the beans about being on TV, or ask to be fired.
As Cat arrives at Blush, she is introduced to her new boss Adrienne, and co-workers, Kelly and Jessica. Adrienne’s pet peeves; she’s germophobic, hates untidiness, and can’t handle style-challenged people. She begins by showing Cat how to attach price tags to the clothing. She inadvertently says, “Blammo” as she demos it. Cat quickly catches on to tagging and repeats “blammo” each time an item is tagged. This gets on Adrienne’s nerves, so she tells her she doesn’t need to say “blammo” all the time. Unfortunately, Cat totally ignores her and continues “blammo’ing”.
Meanwhile, Dave meets boss, T.A., and co-workers Amelia and Greg. Totally business minded, T.A.’s pet peeves are overly chatty and lazy people. Dave starts the day preoccupied with break time, lunch hour etc. He’s told he will be given lunch at approximately 10:45, after things settle down. T.A. asks him if he’s studied the menu. He glances at it then asks what the ingredients are in the spinach and feta. She tells him to “think about it” after he guesses parmesan, then romano. Instead, he chooses to kick back and read the newspaper.
Realizing the boutique has no music, Cat offers her own rendition of “Good Vibrations,” leaving both co-workers and customers casting uneasy glances at each other. She offers to help customers, becomes pushy and tells them they need to buy jumpsuits then points to one with a dragon. Kelly gives a little laugh, and tells her to “get over” the jumpsuits. Moving on to another customer, Cat asks her if she’s a fighter.
At 10:15, Dave tries to figure out the ingredients in the salad dressing, by doing a taste test, sniffing, swirling and sampling it like it’s a fine wine; then chokes on it. He gets personal with co-worker Greg, asking him if he has a girlfriend. When he replies, “I have an ex-girlfriend”, Dave asks if she is an “ex” with benefits. He calls Greg, “Sly Dog.”
Cat loudly announces that she’s taking a break. Relieved, Adrienne, Kelly and Jessica begin discussing how weird and bizarre Cat is, and wonder if she might be on drugs. They predict she won’t last long at Blush. Kelly quips, “Cat is like school in the summertime - she has no class,” then immediately hides the jumpsuit. Adrienne, fearing she’ll lose her job because of Cat, decides to have a talk with her. She reminds her that their customers deserve respect and don’t appreciate the hard sell. She kindly advises her not to be so aggressive. Cat thanks Adrienne for the help, and tells her she is her new role model.
At 12:30, Dave is training on the register, but shifts into bizarre mode when he notices Mr. Pibb, and says, “It has prune juice in it. That’s what my grandfather said.” Then, he solemnly talks about his grandfather who died several years ago. Overcome with grief, he walks off to get some water. Greg looks at him, then continues with the training … but wait; Dave, still caught up in the sad moment, walks away for more water. He does this a few more times before finally returning.
At this time, Cat pipes up and suggests they all sing a rousing chorus of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.” Dangling a jacket in the air, she performs a circus-like tune. Adrienne mumbles to Kelly, “She can’t work here. She’s a circus freak.” Cat continues to be annoying. She sneezes all over germophobic Adrienne, and a bunch of sweaters she is folding. When they ask if she needs to wash her hands, she replies, “No, I don’t need to.”
Dave barely hangs on to his job at 1:15. He stands around doing nothing, yet complains loudly about T.A. who stops to look at a customer’s baby pictures. He complains of having low blood sugar and whines about being hungry. He tells T.A. that since the crowd has died down, he is ready for a break. She’s fed up and suggests he clocks out permanently. He promises to get back to work, but in time, slacks off again, sipping on a drink. By 2:30, T.A. tells Dave he is unmotivated and not working out. He becomes belligerent, so she warns him that he needs to be quiet because of the customers. He asks if he’s being fired, but she tells him, “No, but you need to get back to work.”
To everyone’s annoyance, Cat rhythmically taps a pen on the counter. They look at her and finally tell her to stop. She belts out another song. The co-workers all agree that Cat is insane.
Finally, Dave is frustrated and wanting to get fired. He demands T.A. give him an answer on whether or not he will be returning another day. She is pushed to the limit; and finally, at 2:39 tells him he is fired. He has 21 minutes to spare before 3:00.
Cat is also nearing the finish line. She becomes more annoying, and then in chorus line fashion, sings “Getting to Know You”. She complains about being tense. Pulling her aside, Adrienne tells her to stop singing. Cat insists that it improves the environment. They go back and forth until finally, Adrienne loses it and tells her she is fired. She is officially fired at 2:52, making her the winner of $25,000.
Part two of “Fire Me…Please", takes place in Louisville, Kentucky, where we are introduced to Marion and her competitor, Rob. Marion is hired at Copy Copy, a copy and printing business. She meets no-nonsense supervisor Cheryl, who hates being corrected, dislikes smart-alecks, and as a smoker, stands in total support of smoking. Co-worker Connie looks at Marion uncertainly. Her first charge is to make 100 copies. She does this while singing a song about making 100 copies.
Robs walks into Firehouse BBQ looking haggardly. He meets his supervisor, who is called Torch. Torch believes in doing things by the book, takes his job seriously, and claims to be a perfectionist. He is also introduced to co-worker, Cowboy. Rob asks how Torch got his nickname. He tells him he’s a “redneck,” that enjoys NASCAR Racing. Rob replies, “I hate NASCAR Racing. How can anyone stand watching the cars go round and round?” Torch tells him it takes patience; waiting until there’s a wreck. Rob suggest racing become an Olympic Sport, right along with “bug-spitting.” Rob notices the sweet tea machine then comments that he has never tasted it before. At Torch's urging he takes a swig, then spits it out, saying he doesn’t like the way it tastes.
Marion brings out a bag of pretzels and announces they’re having a pretzel party. She encourages them to eat pretzels, and shows them how “fun” pretzels are, crunching on them noisily, and tossing them into her mouth. But, she misses most of the time, sending pretzels everywhere. She belches loudly in front of a customer. Cheryl suggests she fill out a W4 form. She trots of with it then reads everything aloud, including the small print. She complains the form is confusing. Connie tells her she doesn’t need to read it out loud, but Marion says she needs to be accurate. She begins digging in her purse, looking for her zip code which she somehow manages to forget. She sings as she digs into her purse. A customer asks her if that’s a “part of her job.” Then, Cheryl realizes Marion has been working on the wrong form. She’ll have to start the process all over again.
Meanwhile, Dave says, “Man, my stomach is killing me.” He heads off to the bathroom, where he lets out ear splitting moans. His groans are heard throughout the place. He finally leaves the bathroom. He opens a can of string beans then says, “These string beans are making me sick!” He clutches his stomach, groans, and then heads back to the bathroom again. Torch murmurs to Cowboy, “That guy is friggin’ stupid.” Once again, he returns and begins handling meat. He casually says, “I guess I should’ve washed my hands.” Looking stunned, Torch and Cowboy ask why he didn’t wash when he was in the bathroom. He simply answers, “There was no soap.” As he walks away, Torch takes the meat he was handling and tosses it out. “He’s killing me,” he exclaims.
Marion continues to munch on pretzels, grinding them into the carpet as she paces around. Cheryl decides Marion needs a break. She tells her to take an hour, but Marion insists she will probably be back sooner. She cautions them and tells them they may not want to use the bathroom for awhile. As she leaves, Cheryl tells Connie she is having a hard time dealing with Marion. She brings out the vacuum and begins cleaning up the pretzel mess. Marion returns at 12:11, with a new bag of pretzels.
Rob makes up a song about country music and Cowboy being a “redneck”. He tells him, “I sunburn pretty easy. I could easily get a red neck too.” Torch argues that there’s nothing wrong with country music. Rob replies, “…unless you’re a redneck.”
Marion reads the employee handbook out loud, then approaches Cheryl and tells her that with Copy, Copy’s expectation of teamwork, she feels co-worker Connie is mean. Cheryl tells her she’s wrong. Marion proceeds to tell her that the place is a dump, and an unhealthy mess. She points to the cigarette butts and says “Those are unhealthy and poison.”
At 12:20, Rob is supposed to clean a trash can, but instead stands and reads the newspaper. Frustrated, Torch calls Rob “Dish Bitch”. Rob says, “That’s not very nice.” Torch answers, “That’s about all you’re good for, washing dishes.” He tells him he is being paid to work, not read. And unless he starts working, he will be sent home. Rob looks at him and asks if he’s kidding.
Marion counts each copy as it runs through, and says, “Copy…Copy….Copy…” She has become totally obnoxious. They tell her there’s no need for her to say “Copy” after each one is made. She spins around in a chair, and singsongs, “This job is boring, boring, boring.” Cheryl tells her to clean up the back table. She answers, “I don’t want to.” She says, “I want to take a nap.” She lies down, and continues singing about how boring the place is. She’s asked if she’s applied anywhere else for a job. She says she hasn’t but didn’t realize how “boring” this job would be.
While everyone is busy working, Rob disappears, again. He soon returns, explaining he was in the bathroom, again. Torch tells him that he usually never has problems teaching employees how to work. He calls Rob, “McFly.” When he asks what that means, he explains that in baseball, when the umpire tells a manager to leave, he’s out! He tells Rob, “You’re fired!” Rob responds with a cheer, and then asks when he’ll get his paycheck. The time is 2:30, a half an hour before the 3:00 deadline.
Marion continues to be irritating. She picks up a greeting card, shows it to a customer and says, “They have asses on them.” The customer makes a suggestion that she make up a sign, then stand out front in order to bring in more business. Liking that idea, Marion runs with it. She goes out front then yells, trying to stir up business. Inside the store, a customer asks, “Is she okay?” Cheryl replies, “I don’t think so.” Marion says, “Everything is on sale.” Then she changes her sales pitch to “things are just for sale.” She goes inside the store, and tells them they should consider selling something else, besides copies. Cheryl tells her things aren’t working out then finally fires her. Marion good heartedly accepts being fired, and says, “I’ll leave the pretzels for you.” Officially fired at 2:56, she becomes the winner of $25,000 with only 4 minutes to spare.
As they go back and reveal their missions to their former employers, all of them are relieved and pleasantly surprised. Although, T.A. from the coffeehouse looks scared when she spots Dave approaching with a camera crew. But, in the end, it’s all good. Another one bites the dust! Until next week…..
I’d love to hear your comments and opinions. Contact me at Syrone@realityshack.com
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