And Baby Makes Three (Unless You Have Quintuplets!): Queer Eye-Paolo Episode 203 by Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl
From the bold world of rear-end patting baseball players to the bolder world of babysitting, the Queer Eye guys are continuing on with their BIGGEST SEASON EVER! I’m still not sure why it’s the biggest season, but we’ll play along for now.
The man to make over is Paolo P. He’s the proud papa of 2-and-a-half-year-old quintuplets. That’s FIVE children. Thom asks if the mom OD'ed on fertility drugs. Heeheee. Anyone who has five children all the same age deserves a make-over, and most likely needs one too. PapaPaolo is a bit disheveled in a baggy black shirt, baggy khakis, and shaggy hair. His wife, Mom Silvia, constantly cleans up after him. Kinda like having a sixth child.
The Fab Five’s mission: to become fairy godfathers and let the happy couple have a romantic night alone. The FF split up the five children and plan to take care of one each. Carson asks rhetorically and unbelievably: “How difficult can it be?” Hahaha. I feel some comedy coming on.
On the way to the house, we learn that only Kyan has changed a diaper. Once. They knock on the door and say wow, wow because they’ve never seen kids before.
Into the house of madness we go. Jai finds a typical straight guy door—a curtain hanging in the doorway. And in typical Queer Eye fashion, he accidentally pulls it down. I really don’t think he meant for it to fall because a sneaky grin comes over his face and he whispers, “Oh, God, I’m gonna get in trouble” but he knows he’s not going to get in trouble. So cute. I love Jai more and more each episode. Kyan, take note.
Speaking of Kyan, he asks Mom if she’s exhausted as a tiny tyke clings to his calf. She says, “What the hell do you think?! I have FIVE CHILDREN! Of course, I’m exhausted, you dimwit!” Well, no, actually, she just says yes, she’s exhausted. But I’m sure that’s what she wanted to say. What kind of question is that? That’s like asking a naked person in the Arctic, Are you cold? Anyway, Kyan goes on to explain his own experiences of exhaustion, indicated the “four of them” meaning the other Fab Five members. Cut to Ted sliding around on a sled in the backyard. Ha! Kyan, you’ve redeemed yourself with Ted’s help.
How scary are big, primary-colored plastic kiddie toys? Very, especially when Thom is sitting spread-eagle in one. He’s somehow crammed himself into a red and yellow toy car with his legs over the sides and his head and one shoulder sticking out the front. He crashes into one of the kids and says, “Hey, lady, move!” Kinda funny, kinda scary.
Carson asks PapaPaolo if the children are standing and peeing. PapaPaolo says, “They pee everywhere.” Does that count as potty trained?
Thom then finds out that the living room is so small because it used to be the dining room. It’s a big white room with wood floors covered by a blue rug with a white box design which I think I’ve seen at Target. Some stereo equipment is crammed against one of the walls near the door. The curtains are flowery and billowy.
Cut to Carson and Ted poppin’ a squat on a training potty in the hallway.
Kyan then inspects the kids’ room and likens it to a nursery ward. Mom offers a slight giggle. The walls are pink and blue and there’s an oriental runner rug on the floor. The rug? Doesn’t make sense in the room. Cribs are lined up along both walls.
Over to the dining room, which used to be the living room. Here, everyone now fits. Although it just doesn’t look right.
Carson and Ted make their way into the playroom which looks more like a spare, empty room. Some green florescent kiddie chairs are strewn about and some toys are stowed in the corners. It’s a big brown room. That spells FUN.
Over in the living room, Jai teaches one of the little ones to say Louis Vuitton. How cute!
Then Carson starts trying to drop acid or something with an eye-dropper-like thing. Can you tell I’m never around babies? Kyan passes by to explain to both Carson and to me, “That’s what they use to suck snot out.” Carson answers, “Oh.” Ha!
Kyan then teaches a little girl his name. She says it. Then he says it. Then she says it. Then he says it. Then she says “papa” and he says he likes that she likes pink. Wow. That’s deep.
Then they find a chart for keeping track of what child has peed and what child has left a load. And then, Carson and Thom change a diaper. Thom hyperventilates into a clean diaper while PapaPaolo explains that they used to go through 50 a day. They all clap for baby Marcus’ bowel movement. That gets checked off the chart. Jai runs away from diapers as Carson rejoices in the dirty ones. Ted lets everyone know that he smells it and that’s enough for him. Then the boys check off their own bowel movements and apparently Ted is still waiting on his. This is very gross. Very.
Next Kyan has an equally deep conversation with Mom. PapaPaolo works all the time. Mom takes care of the children. Deep.
Carson goes through Papa’s closet and calls his style “supercasual.” It’s all about the sweatpants. PapaPaolo used to run but now he just runs after kids.
In the basement, PapaPaolo gets confused between washers and dryers. Thom says that Paolo would get the dryer confused with a microwave. Ha! He doesn’t do laundry. Obviously.
In the kitchen, Mom explains that she cooks meals twice in a row because her pots are too small. Do I sense a non-stick Farberware set in her future?
One of the little boys has a booger in a tissue! He tries to give it to Kyan but he says, “Give it to Uncle Ted.” And he does. And Ted looks mortified.
Cut to Carson in the hallway with a screaming, kicking child. Then, they’re all crying. The FF are cringing. They all meet in the living room, get the crying, kicking children into coats, and take them outside to go to the mall and give Mom some peace and quiet. The one Carson is holding is hitting himself in the head and bawling! Nice.
The volunteers interview that style isn’t PapaPaolo’s highest priority. Who the hell are these people?
In the SUV, PapaPaolo explains that he was scared when he found out they were having quints. And Mom had a reaction in the hospital that made her stop breathing. Bad. Very bad. Carson suggests that PapaPaolo has his tubes tied. Papa says he hasn't done that. Then says, “Guess what we’re doing at the mall!” Heee.
Meanwhile, all the kids are crying while the FF are singing the itsy-bitsy spider to no avail.
In Nordstrom, Carson tries to make a love connection by coaxing a little one hit on another child in a stroller. The mom laughs and the child ignores everyone. He says he’s used to rejection. Ha.
PapaPaolo picks out shirts. He chooses purple and Carson is pleased. PapaPaolo explains that he always used to get dressed up but now what’s the point with all that vomit all over the place? And that's why I'm never having kids ever. Carson is going for an Italian flair.
PapaPaolo comes out to a crowd of FF and his children cheering. Purple shirts. Purple suit and tie. Loading up on the purple. Next, little boys in little suits and PapaPaolo comes out in a beige suit.
And then Carson pours ketchup and ice cream on the suit. The kids stare in awe. Carson shows them how the stain comes right out. Can't use that vomit excuse anymore! Then the FF teach the little boys how to work a runway. So cute again!
Over to William Sonoma. Ted explains that PapaPaolo has a big family and teeny cookware, which is bad. Ted wants to buy bigger cooking stuff. He's so condescending and I love it. Then Thom takes him to pick out unbreakable flatware and plates and stuff. He throws a glass on the floor to demonstrate. Then he shows all different color plates and PapaPaolo nods at him.
Carson again tries to make a love connection between babes in strollers.
Back to Ted, PapaPaolo and a child. PapaPaolo talks about family recipes. Then he makes some lamb. Thom has a milkshake with a toddler. Carson gives the history of fashion to another toddler. Ted empties a pot and the little one says, “hot! Careful!” Heeheee! Then “milk! Cow! Moo!” I’m loving this. Cut to Thom passed out next to a toddler. Oh, they’re joking! Now it’s getting a bit too cute.
Ted finishes off the dish with pasta, tomatoes, and cheese. Then he and the toddler talk about the Italian flag and play with big oven mitts. He tells her, “Cooking is cool!” She just stares. I love that reaction.
Over to Georgette Clinger with Carson and Kyan. Carson babysits while Kyan tells PapaPaolo that Papa will be giving Kyan a spa treatment to learn how to give one to his wife. I think Kyan is so taking advantage of this situation. He gets some sort of facial mask that makes him look like the killer from those Halloween horror movies (or is it Friday the 13th? ). I don’t like this at all.
Meanwhile, Carson is getting a spa treatment from some of the quints. They’re sitting in little lab coats!
Then everybody heads out to a painting plates place! They all get into smocks (what a great word—smock. I could say it all day long.) and pick out ceramics. Jai and PapaPaolo talk about how Papa used to be spontaneous and now they can’t be. Jai reveals that the Fab Five will be babysitting while Paolo takes Mom out later on. PapaPaolo’s reaction? “That sounds good.” Simmer down with the excitement there!
More plate painting. They make a plate for Mom with all the kids’ handprints and names. Sweet.
A friend interviews that Silvia and Paolo were high school sweethearts.
Back into the SUV, they all love PapaPaolo’s haircut. It’s now short and high on top. I liked the shaggy look better. They talk about how he and his wife used to go out and talk a lot more before the children. Well, duh. In the other SUV, children are going wild!
In the house, PapaPaolo is awestruck. The walls are blue. The living room and dining room are back where they are supposed to be. Thom basically redecorated the hell out of it. All new couches and chairs. A new dining room set with the table on an angle to fit everyone.
The play room now has yellow, blue, and green walls and there are toys! Thom installed a dutchdoor which is highly functional. Little furniture for little people. A big red rug and a smaller shaggy white rug are on the floor.
Jai then shows PapaPaolo the security system they installed. They can watch four areas of the property, including outside. Welcome to the world of Big Brother. Jai the Electronics Fairy then gives him a T-Mobile Sidekick that does everything except your laundry.
In the living room, Kyan introduces Eddie from Bally’s to PapaPaolo. Uh-oh. Kyan is wearing Adidas pants. That means that a workout is coming on. Papa and Mom are getting personal trainers to come to the house! PapaPaolo fakes excitement. Then, they do some stretching and push-ups. Next, squats. So far, I haven’t seen Kyan do anything. Baby Ashley pushes her father’s butt to help him with the squat. Awww.
In the basement, Carson shows PapaPaolo how to do the laundry. He sets up a chart with cupcakes and triangles and colors and bleach to show what clothes get what wash cycle. And then he gives Paolo Crest White Strips. Because that has everything to do with doing laundry. Then Carson pulls out the lint trap from the dryer. Wow. Lint build-up from about three years is in there. That’s insane!
Back up to Ted. He’s serving a dessert with an Italian touch. Balsamic vinegar and fruit. Yummy. He holds out a fork for PapaPaolo to taste and says, “I’ve never fed a large Italian before.” Ha! He’s excited.
In the living room, Papa and the FF and the children gather round the coffee table. Chianti for the grown-ups and juice for everyone else. PapaPaolo thanks them for everything and tells them that they can stop by to babysit any time. Heehee. They all grab their sippy cups and cheers. Then, the quints get their coats back on and everyone heads out.
Hip Tip: Wave around money and tip well to get drinks at a bar. Okay, Jai. Flashing your boobs works just as well. I’m just sayin.
The friend interviews that Paul and Silvia’s most important thing is time alone.
The FF take the kids to their place and two of the kids are already having fits. Wow! One is doing that deep throaty screaming thing. In comes Amy (who?) with some cupcakes and the screaming ceases. Then, Amy leaves and everyone eats. Carson says that the lady was as pretty as he is. Ha.
PapaPaolo finishes off the Chianti at home and then cooks up some lamb. BabyVictoria chows down on the cupcakes as the smoke detector goes off at home. Thom says, “Daddy’s making a grease fire for Mommy!” Ha!Ha!
And then PapaPaolo burns his finger! But he goes on to garnish just fine. After all, as Ted explains, he’s Italian.
PapaPaolo puffs out his cheeks to shave. Kyan explains to a toddler that puffy cheeks don’t lead to a close enough shave. Then Papa gets dressed and doesn’t button the buttons that Carson wants him to. Then, the child on Carson drops a deuce while sitting on Carson’s lap. Everyone smells dirty diapers. Nice.
Mom arrives home and squeals and weeps with delight. Carson explains that those are happy tears. Then Papa starts tearing up too. The kids? Stare at the screen. Love it! Then one of them points out, “Upstairs!” Jai says, “Yes!” in the same exact tone. He’s such a kid.
Papa and Mom sit in the play room. She loves it. Thom says, “Mommy’s so cool!” In their bedroom, PapaPaolo shows Mom the baby monitor. She loves it too. Then, they go into the basement to show her that he’s going to do the laundry once a week. What a trooper. Then he shows her how he can fold with one of those folding boards. He counts the steps as he folds. Heehee.
Then Kyan starts putting a girl’s hair into pigtails. He so can’t resist. Ted says, “I thought you never styled hair, Kyan.” Ha! I love the sarcasm.
Then PapaPaolo gives Mom a weird spa treatment by ringing bells. Mom laughs and Kyan sighs, “He missed the point of the lesson.” Well, we all can’t be perfect, now can we?
Papa goes into the kitchen and brings out the baked lamb pasta dish. They say bon apetito to each other which I LOVE! Kyan says that it’s a beautiful dinner. Then Papa brings out the fruit and vinegar. Mom likes it. Then PapaPaolo removes the fruit to reveal the hands plate that they all made at the painting place. She loves it. Then they drink wine.
The FF then talk about happy daddy and mommy and being good kids. Lots of yeays! Cheers to Paolo and the power of five.
Jai say to make a game out of cleaning up toys. Like musical chairs. What kind of musical chairs was he playing?
Carson says to use baby wipes for ketchup spills.
Thom says that dutch doors are perfect for all occasions.
Kyan says to make to-do lists in the car for work.
Ted says to use cheese between and after meals to reduce the risk of cavities and to give yourself really bad lactose breath.
The Fab Five make PapaPaolo into Papa Italian Stallion.
Is the biggest season ever less funny or is it just me? Email me: Christina@realityshack.com
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