Pass the Pink Slip - Fire Me, Please!, Episode 1by Syrone Harvey
The premiere episode of the CBS reality show, “Fire Me, Please” is a true life example of “Human Resources gone mad”. Is it possible for a self-respecting, stable minded, retail manager to endure the wacky antics of a new employee, without tossing them out on their bottom? Unsuspecting retail managers and co-workers are faced with a huge challenge; working with a new employee straight from Looneyville. Keep in mind, only the business owners and new employees are in on the real scoop. Two newly hired employees compete against each other in a race to get fired as close to, but not after, 3 o’clock. The winner will ultimately receive $25,000.
Host Dave Holmes introduces us to our first set of candidates. Kurt Basa, a teacher, from Dallas, Texas lands a job at “Awakenings”, a busy coffeehouse, while yoga instructor, Katie Wise, is hired to do retail at Julia’s Boutique. They are told they can do anything in an attempt to get fired except break the law, ask to be fired, or divulge they are on a hidden reality show.
Wide-eyed, energetic Kurt, arrives for his first day at Awakenings Coffee. His new boss, Janice has three pet peeves; people who are unmotivated, know-it-alls, and people who don’t follow directions. She will clearly have her hands full with Kurt, who proudly displays many of these charming behaviors. He begins talking non-stop, and rather loudly. His fellow co-workers are left speechless as he introduces himself as “T-Bone" to a customer.
Meanwhile, Katie arrives at Julia’s and meets Catherine, a serious, no-frills kind of manager. Her three pet peeves are slow people, messy workers and people who “just don’t get it.” Katie flits throughout the boutique like a kid in a toy store. She smells and fingers the clothing, then begins noisily zipping and unzipping jackets.
Kurt closely follows behind Janice and the other co-workers talking about anything that pops into his head. He even asks off the wall questions like, “Do they usually hire people under the age of 14?” Suddenly he spots the steaming cappuccino machine, and shrinks back with fear. He exclaims, “It’s the devil!” then refuses to go near the machine claiming the water is too hot.
At the boutique, Katie is asked to clean the mirrors and clothing displays. She prances from one display to another, singing cheerfully as she works. While she cleans the mirrors, she casually drops the used paper towels, littering them everywhere. Then, she quickly climbs a tall display shelf, lays on her back to “rest” and take it all in. At this point, the other co-worker, Sally, murmurs to Catherine that she thinks Katie is weird. At 10:40, Catherine is more than ready to for Katie to go home. As she follows Catherine around the store, she asks, “Are your hands cold?” and says, “Mine are. When they’re cold, I like to do this", and she sticks her hand underneath Catherine’s armpit for warmth. I give Catherine major kudos for being gracious enough to tolerate Katie’s hand tucked underneath her armpit. She gives Sally a raised eyebrow.
It’s 1 o’clock and so far, neither of them has been fired. Kurt continues to make loud announcements, giving everything and everybody oddball nicknames. He answers the phone then tells the person on the other end of the receiver, that Molly is now to be known as "pistol". He yells across the coffeehouse, “Pistol, you got yourself a phone call!” After awhile, he takes paper cups, stacks them into a tall tower, steps back and aims balls of newspaper at the target. He searches out customers and talks about mundane things. “My father duct-taped my right arm to my body when I was a kid ‘cause he didn’t want me to be ambidextrous.” he says. The customer appears ready to leave without her coffee.
After Katie ups the ante by dizzily dancing into a mannequin, knocking it over, then slurping a drink loudly, Catherine and Sally have a back room meeting. Using the “eenie, meenie" method, they determine who will have the privilege of firing her. When they approach Katie to leave, she apologizes and promises to just “lay low.” The “rest break” lasts only a few minutes before Catherine’s fed up and suggests Katie call someone to pick her up. She tells her “I think we have enough people for the day.” They assume she calls for a ride, so they leave her alone.
Kurt has misoperation problems with the register then argues with the boss about the correct way to use it. When Janice directs him to put a scoop in the cappuccino machine, he becomes belligerent, and tells her, “If you want a scoop in the devil machine, then YOU put it in.” He approaches a customer reading the newspaper, snatches it away then curtly tells him the papers have to be “cleaned up”. He mumbles to the customer, “Nice shirt. Do they make em like that for guys?” (The time is 2:35)
Finally, Katie announces, “I used to be in gymnastics,” turns a cart wheel then takes a bow. She fumbles with a purse on the rack, and begins pulling out the tissue, tossing them onto the floor. Catherine tells her to pick them up, but, totally oblivious Katie is having way too much fun yanking more tissue out of the purse. Catherine hits boiling point and tells Katie she is “on a different planet.” Ignoring Katie’s pleas, Catherine tells her, at 2:56, she is fired. Katie leaves, with 4 minutes to spare before the deadline.
Kurt, also nearing the deadline, becomes aggravated and demands that Janice take the initiative. The co-worker notices Kurt is getting louder, and louder, tells him, “Calm down or we’re calling the police.” He is warned about the customers, but he snaps at her, “I don’t care about the customers!” he yells. The police are called, as Janice tells him to calm down. He becomes even angrier when he notices the policeman walk in. Janice has no other choice but to fire him. His actual firing time is 2:58, leaving a little over 64 seconds left before the 3:00 deadline. Kurt wins the $25,000.
When they respectively return to their previous jobs, they both receive mixed reactions. Once they reveal they were all on a hidden reality show called “Fire Me, Please!”, the managers suddenly seem relieved.
Part 2- “Fire Me, Please!”
Next, Dave introduces us to make up artist, Rachel Stolte, and her competitor, Cherise Bangs, Sales Associate. Rachel is hired at “Girlfriend’s Feminine Boutique” and is introduced to store manager Karyn and co-workers, Jodi and Lori. Pet peeves for Karyn are people who redo her displays, people with annoying habits and behaviors, and employees that challenge her authority. Karyn better brace herself … Rachel is a double threat. Rachel begins snooping around the boutique, picking up things and smelling them. She opens a metal container, takes a huge whiff and starts coughing. “Whew! That’s strong,” she says. Already the co-workers exchange looks.
Cherise bounds into Jeanine’s Dream wearing black stilettos. She meets the store manager, Nancy, who takes one look at her shoes, and gives her an odd look. Nancy’s pet peeves are; improper clothing, people who challenge authority and continuously try on their hats. Cherise suddenly raises her arm, gives it a sniff then announces that she forgot to put on deodorant. She asks if anyone has some she can borrow. Nancy assures her that she smells fine, and tells her not to worry about it. Cherise rushes towards a jeweled crown, puts it on then strikes a pose. "I’m Miss America!” she says. Nancy mumbles, “She’s freakin' weird.” Out of the blue Cherise takes off her shoes, and does a barefooted dance around the store.
In the meantime, Rachel comes off completely neurotic, and fidgets with everything within reach. She digs her hands into a pail of wrapped novelties then noisily rattles them. Pacing around the store, she begins whistling. When Jodi scolds her about the whistling, she casually replies, “Oh, I didn’t know I was whistling.” Jodi rolls her eyes in disbelief.
Cherise tries on hats, while Nancy glares at her. She tells her, “Don’t start with me.” Totally clueless, Miss America continues her perky little dance while twirling a “pretend” baton. She’s unaware of the customers giving her strange looks. Nancy tells her that she won’t need her to work until 5:30 after all. She suggests she go home. Cherise brushes her off, and continues flitting around.
At 12:17, Rachel decides she is going to “walk around the store for a bit.” Then Lori whispers to Karyn she feels uncomfortable with Rachel around. Meanwhile, Rachel tries on a pair of glasses, then, over her clothing, puts on a bright blue bra. When her cell phone rings, she carries on a loud conversation for everyone to hear. Karyn shushes her and quietly calls her “koo koo.” Rachel grabs for the dressing room door and discovers it makes an ear splitting squeaking sound. It must be music to Rachel’s ears, because she keeps tugging the door back and forth. “Do you have any WD-40?” she asks.
By 1:30, both Rachel and Cherise are still employed. Nancy tells Cherise she can dust the store. Cherise tells her, “Ew! I hate dusting ‘cause it makes me sneeze. I think I’ll get a doctor’s note to be excused from dusting." Nancy’s response is, “If I have to dust, then you will have to dust.” She takes a shawl off the rack then puts it on. “You better take it off" the co-worker says. “It’s a free country” she replies, then announces in a baby like voice, “I have to go potty!” The co-worker whispers to Nancy, “She’s mental!” When she returns from the bathroom, she asks whether or not they do random drug testing. They give her an odd look. Then, she gets down on the floor and begins crawling around the legs of a customer. Nancy tells her to sit on a chair. A customer asks her if she’s tired. She replies, “My feet are killing me because of those stiletto heels!”
At the same time, Rachel is in pacing mode. She hurriedly paces back and forth, while her heels click rhythmically on the floor. She whistles then click clacks across the floor. Karyn approaches her and suggests she take a rest. “Just because I whistle, you think I’m a total freak, right?” she asks. She blurts out, “Everything in this store is like a thousand dollars and ridiculously overpriced.” Karyn tells her, “Rachel, I don’t think this is working out then says, “You’re fired.” Rachel starts babbling, “I can’t believe it. This is my first day on the job. Just because I whistle, you guys are all staring at me and making me feel weird.” Karyn firmly tells her she needs to go. It is 2:48.
Cherise is still crawling around on the floor. She nags at Nancy, asking if she will be coming back to work the next day. Nancy heads to her office, calls the store owner and says, “She’s insane. I’m flipping out.” Finally, Nancy hands Cherise money. She looks puzzled. “Why are you giving me money?” Nancy replies, “You’re fired.” Cherise is unfortunately fired at 3:07.
Rachel, who is fired 12 minutes before the deadline, wins $25,000. As they go back to reveal that they have all been on “Fire Me, Please!” everyone reacts with disbelief and surprise.
Maybe it was the cheap canned laughter, but something tells me this show may also get “fired” before too long. In the meantime, let’s see who gets the axe next week.
I welcome your questions and comments. Email me at Syrone@realityshack.com
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