How To Bone Your Bat: Queer Eye--Red Sox Episode 204 -By Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl
Grab your facial exfoliant and moisturizer! Take out your turkey baster! Put on your shiniest shoes and matching belt! Rearrange your furniture! And shake hands with someone while looking him in the eye! It’s time for another season of everyone’s favorite make-over show that brings homosexuals and heterosexuals together at last! Queer Eye is back, and this time, it’s personal! Well, it’s always personal—it’s a make-over show.
According to the promos, this is Queer Eye’s biggest season yet! The Fab Five are taking on an entire team—the Red Sox to be exact. And I’ll be lucky my family doesn’t disown me while I’m writing this because they are all Yankee fans. The Red Sox are in Florida for an exhibition game and they need to get pretty. Why? Because they’re all hairy. Let’s see if Kyan’s hair obsession has lessened between seasons. My guess is that it’s worsened and he still calls everyone bro.
We start out with the history of the Red Sox selling Babe Ruth to the Yankees. The curse of the Bambino. Sepia footage. Then five fab babies are born. Then in October of 2004, the Red Sox won the World Series and the FF became champions. However, the Red Sox need a championship look.
Cut to the Fab Five wearing studded baseball jackets with numbers and stuff.
Ooh—new credits! The song is a lot faster. And a new title. It’s just Queer Eye now. And we also have captioning to help us along. Little white lettering tells us the time and where we are. We’re in Florida.
The boys drive up to spring training in a red convertible and kiss kiss the wives of the players. One of them is having a baby. They run out onto the field and Carson asks if they can tackle them. One of them has a pregnant wife in Boston. One of them is sweaty and Kyan plucks off a back hair that he wants to sell on ebay. Carson then hits on one of them. Surprise. He then meets the pitcher, and the player corrects him, “one of them.”
Kyan volunteers to spot a player for naked pull ups and then suggests highlights, much like Carson’s hair. Carson loves the pitcher’s fingernails. The pitcher says he grips the ball with them; Carson says he gets yelled at for that. Ha! That’s comedy.
The FF enter the locker room which is really neat and clean. Blue floor, wooden cubbies, and florescent lighting. Some of the wives are in the clubhouse with them and they reveal that they’ve never been in it before. A handy caption at the bottom of the screen explains “No Women Allowed.” Nice.
Someone has fungus powder. Ewww.
Thom finds a box of fan mail. Some player says Kevin Somethingorother, doesn’t respond to any mail because he’s a jerk. Heehee.
Carson then scoffs at a big yellow shirt. Two of the players rat out the guy who owns it as they all agree that the shirt is terrible.
Thom then finds a bone buffer thingamajig. (That’s a technical baseball term). One of the players explains that if a bat gets splintered, you have to bone it. He then takes a bat and thrusts it really quickly back and forth over the bone buffer thingamajig. Thom giggles, “you bone your bat?” Didn’t take long to fall into that trap.
Now Carson is sitting on one of the players. The wife wants to get rid of most of her husband’s hair. The player just sits there mute. Carson is happy that he’s comfortable with a gay man sitting on his lap. Perhaps he remembers Stinky John from last season who freaked out if someone breathed near him.
Oh, who called it? Who said that Kyan’s unhealthy hair obsession worsened? Oh, dolla dolla bill y’all! And whut? Kyan berates Jai as Jai tries to buzz some of Johnny Damon’s hair off. Johnny Damon is the hairiest ballplayer I’ve ever seen. Seriously, it’s as if he’s wearing a hair helmet. Kyan practically rips the clippers out of Jai’s hand. And yes, Johnny Damon is the only baseball player I can actually recognize and I’m not sure if I’m even spelling his name right. So there.
Cut to Carson telling some guy that they are a “facial hair heavy bunch.” Couldn’t agree more.
Over to Jai finding a picture of Kevin (the one who doesn’t answer his fan mail). He’s got his shirt pulled up over his large gut. Jai asks how many months pregnant he is in the picture and, without hesitation, the wife says five. Ha!
And then they turn around to find Carson with a cup over his face. And I don’t mean the kind you drink out of. Kyan is making him breathe. Then one player says, “I played sixty games in that cup.” Eeeeewwwwwww.
Over to Jai, Thom, and Ted (where the hell has Ted been?) who are chewing seeds. Jai says that he was told they can just spit on the floor. Thom takes that to mean he can spit in Jai’s ear. Heehee. So what does Jai do? He spits back at Thom. What are the players doing? Pointing and laughing and telling each other to “lookit!” because they are twelve years old.
In the showers, Carson discovers a pink washcloth that no one will claim as his own. Kyan asks how they know which soap belongs to which player. Someone says that the soap is universal. Eeeeeewwwwwww Eeeeeewwwwwwww. Two of them then demonstrate how they wash their asses and then their faces. Kyan says, “You really wash your face with that soap?” One guy who looks familiar but I have no idea what his name is says, “Yeah, we need help.” I think I’m going to vomit now.
Next, Thom ogles a baseball card while Kyan looks at a picture of the team from their World Series win. Cut to footage of them after the win. Ted wants them to change their look now that the curse is broken. More footage of the victory parade. If I were a baseball fan, I’d probably vomit now too.
The wives huddle up and tell the boys to shave everyone and get rid of back hair. Mrs. Damon wants Johnny to be waxed and shaved. Kyan caresses Johnny’s abs. Then they all decide that in exchange for a make-over, the team will play a little league game for a team that had its field torn up by a hurricane.
The FF leave with the wives while the players are left shaking their heads in confusion. They ask, “Can you believe we let them into our clubhouse?” Welcome to Oz, boys. I have no idea why I just wrote that but it sounds cool so I’m keeping it in.
The wives interview that their husbands are scruffy and hairy.
The boys pull up to Dunkin Donuts in two convertibles—one white and one red. Ted wants to get iced espresso. Jai explains that DD gives money to the Little League team to fix the field. Thom asks more about them winning the World Series. The wives say it was dreamlike.
Meanwhile, Carson is squirting milk all over the place as he attempts to make them the drinks. Ted puts together boxes of donuts, including pink ones for the gay children. Mrs. Damon suggests putting in more than one pink one in case more than one little child is gay. Heehee.
Drive on over to the field where lots of little leaguers are clapping and cheering. Aww, they all have buck teeth and baseball caps. They cheer for the Red Sox. Then Carson yells, “Who likes the Steelers?” They’re all confused. They then get a tour by a kid named Rocky. One of the kids points out where the bathroom was. Carson says that the bathroom is important to fix your hair.
Then they see all the devastation from the hurricane. The dugout is ripped up. The lights are leaning and dangerous. Then Kyan, Master of the Obvious says, “They don’t work.”
Awww, Carson is so good with kids. He asks why they love the field. He asks if they win games. He gets them chanting and cheering. Awww. Kyan tells the moms that the kids will be going to a game and the moms are happy.
Then Thom tells them that they’re all getting new equipment and tells them they’re going to a game. Hooray! This is so apple pie. They call out names to hand out equipment and Carson starts calling “Bueller! Bueller!” Heehee.
One of the kids has the wrong size shoes. He tells Carson who asks if the kids also would like to see something in a pump. Heehee.
Then they play ball. Sort of. One of the wives hits and runs and gets out. Then the FF want the lady in the pink to try. They mean Carson. Jai is doing cartwheels in the outfield as Ted tosses a ball into his own mitt so he catches something.
This captioning is very Mission Impossible. They head over to the spa and the players are in white robes. The spa is actually a transformed clubhouse. Tables and chairs have been replaced by leather couches, glass tables, and limes. Thom says, “it’s not so bad hanging out with the gays.” Kevin responds, “I am now gay!” Heeheehee! His pregnant wife is gonna be real happy about that. A spa staff emerges and they’re ready for a make-over.
Oh no, Bravo is going to air a show about Bobby Brown. That means we’ll see hours of Whitney claiming that crack is wack.
The wives interview that their husbands may enjoy manicures.
One of the players, Jason I think, arrives via helicopter. They FF are impressed by his large, well, everything.
Kevin gets his head wrapped in plastic. He guesses it’s to keep the heat in. Kyan gives some scientific explanation while Mirabelli says bluntly, “they’re telling you your hair is horrible.” Ha!
Carson tells the Damons he likes the bad boy image. He wants him to wear stripes. Damon has fear in his eyes.
Then one of them gets a paraffin wax and believes that Carson and Johnny are naked together. Well, Damon has his pants off so he’s half right. Meanwhile, Ted is making lobster-mango cocktails.
Kevin gets exfoliated. Jason gets his back waxed. Ted points out, “You flew all the way here to get your back waxed.” Thom says, “that’s gay.” Ha!
Then they all compare Damon to a cave man. They suggest braiding the rest of Jason’s body hair because there’s so much.
One of them, still don’t know who he is, HATES his suit. Carson huffs and gives him a different suit.
The pitcher asks Johnny Damon, “How gay do you feel right now?” Heehee. They all laugh.
They all love the paraffin wax. Kevin gets some yellow-orangey stuff wiped off his face. Damon gets his foils pulled out.
Jai tells Kevin to bite on his pillow if it hurts while they’re waxing his back. Loving the gay innuendo. He looks like he’s going to cry. He screeches like a little girl, “That hurts!” Heeeheeee. Then the pitcher gets his neck waxed and he grabs Jai’s arm. Heeheeheeeee.
More shaving, waxing, dying and stuff. Then the pow-wow. The wives are happy. Kyan tells them they need to get ready for the game. As they all go to get ready, Carson takes Kevin aside to watch over him since his wife isn’t there.
Hip Tip: Use a lavender sachet instead of moth balls. Carson, please come to my parents’ house and tell that to my mother.
The wives interview that the guys are laid back, funny, athletic, and different from each other. Very profound.
The FF are back in their sparkling jackets as the players get dressed in their new snazzy slacks and button downs. The Little League arrives in a huge bus. Thom explains that they’re all going to play a game with the Red Sox instead of watching one. Carson gets them screaming and yelling once more.
They all eat hot dogs and hamburgers. Thom tells them crudite is important before a game.
The FF head out onto the field as the stadium announcer calls their names. There’s a pretty big crowd there. The FF introduce the wives and the crowd cheers as Jai brings them out. Kyan blabbers something about waxing and tells the crowd that the players look good with their make-overs. Carson says, “If you bedazzle it, they will come.” Ha! More comedy.
They introduce the players. Jason is wearing a black shirt and tan blazer. Mirabelli is wearing a navy suit. Tim is wearing a periwinkle button down shirt and white pants. Kevin has on a royal blue shirt and white pants. He has limp wrists and the FF insinuate something happened in the locker room. Johnny Damon comes out in a white shirt, pinstripe pants, and a tie. He does the moonwalk because it’s 1984.
The announcer announces the Little League team as the Red Sox sign a bazillion autographs. People play catch. Jai sings the national anthem and he’s really good! I’ve heard it’s a hard song to sing so way to go Jai.
Thom coaches one of the kids, “Hit it to Carson because he’ll never get it and you can run for hours.” Ha!
Carson heckles Kevin from third base. Kevin in return shoots a line drive at him that pegs his shoulder. Carson lets out a yelp. Thom and Jai? Laugh their asses off. Ha! Ha!
The pitcher yells at Carson and Carson tells him that his pants look good. Heehee.
Lots of ball playing. Lots of good jobs. Carson hits the ball! I think Thom tags him out though. Oh, no, he slides ito home. Jai asks, “what’s the signal for throw it easy because I don’t know how to hit?” Heehee. He makes contact but fouls out.
Kevin fights with an umpire. Ted tells the kid to go back on the base. Kyan comes home. The final score is 6-6 and there are no losers. And that’s how kids learn that they can have anything they want and the world will always be a happy place.
Thom announces that a lighting expert will be putting in more lighting at the destroyed field. Also, Jai brings out a check for a hundred thousand dollars thanks to Dunkin Donuts, BJ’s (the wholesale store! dirty minds), and the Red Sox. That’s $100,000. That’s a lot of money.
So much money that they can’t afford any tips at the end of the show this week.
The biggest season EVER begins with the Fab Five sliding into home and the Red Sox shaving it all off.
What makes this season so big? Email me: christina@realityshack.com
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