| Kim K Kan't Kook (But She Sure Can Cackle): Queer Eye for the Straight Girl Lost Episode ?.?? |
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| Posted on Sun 08 May 2005 (1494 reads) |
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-- Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl Another Lost Episode. I’m not complaining. I love an air of mystery. Kimberly K. is a single gal who is generous and charitable, but she hasn’t seen her father in seven years. Well, charity begins at home, darling! Which is why she’s aiming for a promotion at work. Robbie calls her a looker. Damon calls her make-up, “Like Dynasty. It’s frightening.” The mission: “Clean her up. Make her presentable.” Wow, that’s harsh. Credits. “All that I am!” Onto KK’s house, which is bare. White. Boxes. Empty. Lots of air. She’s just moved in, though, so it’s acceptable. And Kimberly? Is wearing shiny blue-white eye shadow up into her eyebrow arches. And lots of black eyeliner and mascara so that I’m not really sure if she has eyeballs. And frosty shiny lipstick. Lots of it. As if she doesn’t have lips and needs to paint some on. She’s wearing a tiny pink tank top that I would wear around the house so I’m not faulting her for it. Plus, she has the abs to pull it off so more power to her. But it’s fuzzy so that’s a fashion faux-pas. And she’s wearing jeans that have those white patches on them that look like bleach. They ask if she always greets her guests like that and she laughs a high-pitched giggle screech that I can tell will grate on my nerves for the rest of the episode. Honey comments that she loves “the Zen sparse thing going on.” The bedroom has a mattress with a pink crumpled cover. The kitchen has some wine bottles. Robbie pulls out an antiquated curling iron from a box and says, “Never in my life…” but KK screech-giggles and says she’s had it since high school. Yeah, that’s hilarious. Keep on screeching. Then Honey asks her if she’s a size zero and she says, “Yeah.” Honey asks how that can be a size. What does KK do? She screech-giggles. Arg. This is going to be the longest hour of my life. KK has lots of car magazines because she loves cars. She also has a motorcycle helmet that Danny gets stuck on his head. KK puts it on her own head and says that when she rides, she wears a white tank top. Danny says that a white tank isn’t really protective if she, say, falls off the bike. Damon appears wearing pink lingerie on his head. Wow, I’ve missed these guys. Honey then asks, “So this is your daily make-up?” Whoa, she so hates it. KK admits that she doesn’t know a lot about make-up. Honey suggests she reads girly magazines because Motor Trend doesn’t offer make-up advice. Heehee. Danny finds noodles in a can and noodles in a plastic package in the cupboard. That’s all the food she eats. He asks, “Is this the wisest food to be eating? Didn’t you just have kidney stones?” KK gives him a giggly “yeah!” so he laughs right back, “Yeah?” Ha. Over in the closet, Damon still has the pink lingerie on his head. He’s found a pair of jeans that lace up on the front of the legs. Ew. Then Danny comes flying into the kitchen with a faux fur white coat. He asks if she stripped to get through college. KK? Screech-giggles. In my book, that’s a total yes. Oh wow, Danny is also wearing a white corset and a mini-skirt over his jeans. That’s a total stripper outfit. He strips and says, “Who has detachable sleeves and a tear-off skirt?” A stripper does, that’s who! More clothes. “Itsy bitsy thong panties.” And a boa-sweater that reminds Damon of Oscar the Grouch. To redeem her reputation, the GP talk to KK about her educational past. She went to GW University and majored in something scientific and hard. Then Danny finds a Father’s Day card that she never sent. Honey and Robbie look at pictures of KK and her dad. They sigh. Meanwhile, Damon finds cheeseburger hot pockets. Danny and Robbie talk to KK about her dad. They email each other and he misses her. She says that she’s in her field of work because of how he raised her. She wants to thank her dad and show him who she is. Robbie and Damon pervertedly mop the kitchen floor. They hang onto a mop and stroke back and forth. So this is what they do with their spare time. KK then admits that it takes her over an hour to shave in the shower. Honey says that with all that time shaving, KK doesn’t have time to eat. KK screech-giggles. Danny then questions KK about her diet and kidney stones. She drinks Red Bull like crazy and then eats crap all day. Danny says that there’s no reason to have a make-over if you’re not healthy on the inside. Robbie then asks if guys try to pick her up on the street. She says people yell “hey girl” and she screech-giggles. Arg! Again! Then Danny finds all the stripper shoes. Then KK tells Robbie she learned to do make-up from someone on craigslist. And then? She screech-giggles AGAIN. I can’t take this anymore! I’m so tempted to watch on mute. Honey says she’s “baffled” as to how someone can be “that smart without teaching themselves simple things.” I know so many of them, it’s scary. The friend interviews the Kim looks like a porn star on her day off. Ha! In the SUV, Robbie is all happy about going to Sephora. Whoa. Honey isn’t driving for once. Robbie’s at the wheel. Weird. Hunky Helpers at the house! Robbie and KK arrive at Sephora to “tone down the drag queen make-up.” Wait a minute—why isn’t Honey doing this? Robbie introduces KK to Desiree from Stila and tells her to tone down KK. They decide to do a make-over on half her face. It takes about an hour to take off her make-up. Then Desiree puts on new make-up that looks a hell of a lot better. Damon shows up in the middle of everything. Shouldn’t he be working on the house? What is going on in this episode? Desiree continues to put on more make-up. It’s all about blending. When they’re done, they do the infomercial half face reveal and KK screech-giggles. She likes the lighter make-up. Robbie says she’s going to get a lot less guys asking “How much are ya?” Ha! Damon and Honey meet up with KK at a flower store so she learns how to buy flowers and make an arrangement. Did they not have enough ideas for this episode? Anyway, they look at orchids and Damon says that you can pull apart flowers and petals and arrange them in any way you want. And dinner shouldn’t be all about the dinner table. Honey then takes KK to Blu Spa where Danny is dressed in all white and is wearing blu-blockers. Then some hair removal woman talks about laser hair removal. Danny chimes in with all his hair knowledge. KK now puts on blu-blockers as does the hair removal lady and she zaps KK’s face. Then they walk over to a waxing station and the waxing woman waxes her arm hair off. And I just keep typing and I concentrate on the sounds of the keyboard as to try not to hear KK’s screech-giggle that she cannot control. They go over to the hair dying station and KK wants to be blonde. Robbie and Danny are like, No no no that’s not what we had in mind. They leave it up to the colorist. The friend interviews “Kimberly cannot cook. Kimberly cannot clean. Kimberly cannot eat.” Nice! KK comes back home with the GP and she screech-giggles at every friggin thing. The theme is racing but in a really cool way. There’s a cream couch with neon green accents. An awesome picture of a winding road is hanging over the couch. The walls are a mint-sage (I think—unless it’s a reflection of the green pillows). Her bedroom is whites and creams with a custom made headboard. She has some swivel chairs with more neon green pillows. Robbie checks out the closet with KK to show her new outfits for work. He was basically her personal shopper while she got her hair removed. He shows her some pink pumps and some leopard printed clothes. Some more flowy sequined tanks. Then she dons some outfits for a fashion show. First she has on a strapless mint dress. Next is a flowy gray tank, a tweed skirt, and high heel Mary Janes. Robbie says tweed is good for underweight gals. Next she wears slacks and a shirt and everyone thinks it’s sexy. Next KK goes into the kitchen with Danny. He wants to cut out the sodium so she doesn’t get any more kidney stones. He plans on making roasted chicken and roasted veggies. This involves olive oil, oregano, and an oven. Then he makes sauce but I’m realizing that his shirt is unbuttoned almost down to his belly button. Has it been like this all episode? Seriously, he should button up while cooking. Just because. Back to the cooking. Mushrooms. Juices. Chicken. Chopped veggies. Salt and pepper. Big white oven mitts. Drizzling. And “it’s that simple.” Next is arranging flowers. Again. Since when are flowers so incredibly important? More fun with orchids. And now fun with hydrangeas. Damon wants this to be her night to experiment with her dad. What? Maybe that’s not exactly what he said… Honey then grabs KK back into the kitchen to cut up some melon and make some juice. Again, this is to avoid kidney stones. Then Robbie shows her how to clean the kitchen. He uses products that smell like grape and cucumber. Out of nowhere, KK screech-giggles. Probably because she hasn’t done it in the past five minutes and my ears were on their way to recovery. They all reconvene in the living room and she thanks the Gal Pals. They toast to the night and they all remind her of last minute tasks. She then screech-giggles and they say goodbye. The dad interviews that he will see a Kim that’s physically different but inwardly the same. What with all that experimenting and stuff. The GP are back on the Critic Couch and Honey is wearing a striking red dress! And Danny has a racing jacket on that’s to die for. KK puts on make-up and they all sigh that she’s wearing brown eye shadow and not blue. She fixes her hair and they’re all proud that she’s not going overboard. She puts on a satin black dress and snakeskin-looking heels. Then she arranges flowers! Damon is impressed that she’s “reflexing” the orchids. However, she hasn’t started cooking and her dad will be there soon. In the kitchen, KK can’t get the soap to work. Yes, the soap. Danny asks how many educational degrees it takes to open soap. She’s completely lost. She takes some time figuring out how to turn on the oven. She opens the chicken package with a fingernail. She doesn’t wash the chicken (I’m guilty of that from time to time) and she pours about a bottle of oil into a pan. Danny yells “stop” as the rest of them laugh at her. She has yet to turn the stove on. Smart people can be so stupid sometimes. Finally, after pouring in some more oil, she turns on the stove. She takes the chicken out of the oven and it looks white and half cooked. Honey hopes that it’s finished. Her friends arrive, which includes KK’s boss. When she opens the door, she screech-giggles. As she shows them around, she screech-giggles some more. No one cringes so they must be used to it. The screech-giggle echoes throughout the place. Arg. Then they all start drinking as the food starts smoking. They ask if she’s doing a reduction. Honey says “a hair reduction if she doesn’t get away from that flame.” Heeheeheee. The mushrooms are a goo at the bottom of the pan. Then she moves onto veggies. Honey says that KK is going to “eat all the vegetables she hasn’t eaten in seven years.” Ha. Then her friends say that she’s burning butter. Yum. Then Honey points out that KK melted the spoon. Danny says, “It may kill them but it looks great.” Her dad arrives and KK does some screech-giggle-hyperventilating thing. Her dad says she looks so different and lovely. They both tear up. She shows him around and introduces him to her friends. She does some more screech-giggling at hyperspeed. The GP note that she’s happy happy happy. She is. There are more tears. Then they eat. KK serves and asks if anyone minds if she tongs their chicken. What the? Her dad makes a toast that he’s proud and thrilled and he loves her. She thanks him back and says she feel wonderful. They all toast. They don’t show anyone eating though. The Gal Pals toast to Kimberly. Danny says to rotate your bird while cooking. Damon says to cram crayon into cracks. Honey says to use deep conditioner once a week for your hair. Robbie says to use baby wipes to remove make-up and deodorant marks. A drag queen stripper becomes an elegant career woman, cackling all the way. Email Christina@realityshack.com Where does one buy clothes with detachable sleeves? |
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