| The Tale of Pippi Laurenstocking: Queer Eye for the Straight Girl Lost Episode ?.? |
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| Posted on Sun 08 May 2005 (1760 reads) |
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-- Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl So I have this really pathetic streak of hanging out with guys who suddenly fall off the face of the earth and then, without warning or excuses, come waltzing back into my life as if nothing happened. And then? I take them back. Why? Because I’m an idiot. That being said… Danny Teason has come back to me after oh so long and I’m oh so glad to have him back. No, he’s not straight—yet—and he hasn’t met me—yet—but he’s still yummy and I’m still in love. And what’s more—Honey, Robbie, and Damon are back as well. After being replaced by a show that focuses on uncomfortable human obsession with canines, the Gal Pals showcase a double-header on Bravo. Without any commercials or excuses, Queer Eye for the Straight Girl is airing again. Against a Sunday night lineup that includes Desperate Housewives. What are the people at Bravo thinking? And where did these episodes come from? Is this a new season? Is this the end of the first season? What the??? I suppose I’ll have to consider these the lost episodes. Now onto the make-over. Lauren is a newlywed (her husband is Lex) and belongs on the Wendy’s fast food bag. Everyone else refers to her as Pippi Longstocking, which I thought had an S at the end of it until now. How many years I’ve been wrong. Lauren is in her twenties and likes to wear overalls which cover her big boobs. Robbie complains that her lingerie has feet, as in long johns. Heehee. The mission: Make the little girl a woman by giving her a road map out of childhood. Aww, Lauren, I feel for you! I too have been mistaken for a thirteen year old. Credits. Pretty lip prints. The GP hike on over to Lauren’s place. She’s wearing white overalls over a long sleeved black shirt. Her reddish hair is in pigtail braids a la Pippi and she wears glasses. The living room has black, bulky couches, white walls, and lots of trinkets neatly placed all over the entertainment center and coffee table. And there are two oscillating fans. God, I love the work oscillating and I don’t get to use it as much as I’d like to. So cheers to the fans. Lauren has a poodle named Charlie that freaks out. Damon compares Pippi Laurenstocking’s hair to doll hair. Then Robbie finds white sneakers that she wore on her wedding day. Robbie is appalled because she won’t wear heels. Then he admits, “I was born in heels.” Robbie, Damon, and Danny complain that everything is blue—blankets, clothes, everything. Then Danny finds a whole bunch of medicine bottles and then tears down some blinds. Meanwhile, Charlie yaps incessantly at Robbie. Danny thinks the dog is homophobic. Heehee. The kitchen is pristine white with everything in its place. Kinda like a scientist laboratory. Lex and Pippi Laurenstocking use troll dolls to reenact their sex life. Lex makes the Lauren troll say that she likes television. Ouch. Damon inspects the living room décor. He tells Pippi Laurenstocking that he likes the candles but they’re too dusty. Robbie tells her that her clothes aren’t sophisticated. She admits that some are from the children’s store. Heehee. I buy child size clothes too! Then Damon finds bacon dressing in the kosher kitchen. Okay then. Meanwhile, Honey complains that there’s a rocking chair in the bedroom because it kills the mood. And Pippi Laurenstocking has Day of the Week underwear. She defends herself by saying that at least they’re not blue. Ha! Then comes a series of people sticking things in their mouths and gagging. Pippi Laurenstocking checks her own lymph nodes. Then Robbie gags on something and says, “That’s why I’m never popular with the boys.” HA! Now that’s comedy! The Gal Pals talk about improving Pippi Laurenstocking without really changing her. Lex kisses his wife goodbye and takes the homophobic dog with him. Danny then makes her walk in heels and he humps the wall. Do it again, Danny! She struts like a dork. Then Honey finds a silver nightie that Pippi Laurenstocking doesn’t like to wear because it’s too cold to sleep in. Damon yells, “You don’t sleep in it!” Robbie chimes in, “You rip it off!” Danny then has his Barbara Walters chat and then she’s on his lap! Damon stays behind and the rest of them leave to start the make-over! The friend interviews that Lauren looks like the Olsen twins when they were seven. Nice! In the SUV, the GP discuss the wedding that her west coast friends couldn’t attend. They plan on giving her a second honeymoon as well as an anniversary dinner. Ooh! Hunky Helpers! But they’re not as hunky as usual. Danny decides that Pippi Laurenstocking needs a workout so he, Robbie, Honey, and Pippi Laurenstocking head to Gold’s Gym. Danny has on one of his look-at-my-biceps-and-triceps shirts so I need to take a moment. Sigh. Okay, I’m back. Pippi Laurenstocking’s changed into Adidas workout pants. Danny holds her hand the whole way into the gym and I become enraged with jealousy. He tells her that the workout is all about losing inhibitions. A good gin and tonic will do the same thing. I’m just saying. They meet Irene (I think that’s her name) and she tells Pippi Laurenstocking that they’re going to “shake the soul and let it go.” What the? So class begins and Irene welcomes them to Fire (?) and it’s jazz and soul and a mish-mosh of stuff. Basically, it’s a salsa workout class. She tells everyone to feel their bodies and Danny feels his head and works his way down and I need another moment. Okay, moment over. Danny admonishes, “Come on, Lauren! You’re not even trying!” And Lauren says she doesn’t want people to see her do it and she hugs Danny’s arm as if she’s three. Of course the whole class turns around to watch her then because she doesn’t want attention. Danny explains that the whole point is to feel herself in front of other people. So he grabs her hips and makes her gyrate. Why can’t it be me!?!? They learn to mambo and Pippi Laurenstocking steps on Honey. Heehee. Danny continues to feel Pippi Laurenstocking up and down and all around. She loosens up and dances. She feels more comfortable than when they started. Dance break! Everyone grinds against each other. This is so weird. They end with Danny lifting her up and everyone clapping and cheering for her. Robbie and Honey take Pippi Laurenstocking to Michel at Lush. They take out her braids and she looks older and gorgeous already. They put in lowlights as Robbie and Pippi Laurenstocking talk about oxygen and carbon dioxide. Next is the cut. Honey reprimands her for washing her hair every day and she gives another science lesson on pores. They blow out her hair and it’s blond and curly. Pretty! Damon and Danny take Pippi Laurenstocking to a furniture store and Damon is all about the fabrics. Obligatory sofa sitting. They sit on a blue sofa. What the? Isn’t that what they were complaining about before? It’s ultra suede. She likes. Then they look at tables with clear glass tops. She likes it because it’s easy to clean. Damon then shows her chairs without arms that are less formal than chairs with arms. Then she sits in a rattan chair which she says is interesting on the bum. Danny says it’s good for exfoliation. Ah, Danny naked at the dining room table. What a thought. Honey and Robbie then meet up with Pippi Laurenstocking at Victoria’s Secret. Honey finds a piece of lingerie that she says she needs a map for. Pippi says she wants nothing complicated. Then she has no idea what cup size she is. Pippi Laurenstocking and Honey remain behind the dressing room door while Honey talks about how she looks trashy. Then they find something they like. They won’t open the door so Robbie slithers under it. Then she gets back into her overalls. Wow, that was pointless, but at least they went to a clothing store. Some of the past make-overs never involved clothes shopping. Sidenote: Discover Card has a very annoying commercial involving a black and white law student and a trip to the Yucatan. The sister-in-law interviews that the apartment is overwhelmingly blue. In the SUV, Pippi Laurenstocking says that Lex is going to think the underwear is “damn sexy.” She then calls her blue décor an obsession. They arrive at the apartment and she omigods a bit. The kitchen now has a blue wall with a six-frame art piece. The dining area has the glass top table. Some floating shelves. A little bamboo here and there. Some stools for the breakfast nook. A new bookshelf with bamboo baskets for accessability without having to see all the junk. And the big blue couch in the living room. Into the bedroom—a big bed with red bedding. And an organized closet. And Robbie kept the chunky shoes! Red curtains. A huge red headboard. Beige-golden walls. It’s got an Asian feel. Pippi Laurenstocking says she’s “ecstatic” and Robbie spanks her. Frisky! Fashion show! Chocolate brown shirt that’s tank top on top and flow at the bottom and white pants. Robbie shows her how to walk in heels and suddenly she can do it perfectly. Danny squeals with delight. Damon skips. Then she changes into a satin dress and walks the runway again. They all clap and Danny falls to his knees and hugs her waist. Sigh. Then Pippi Laurenstocking changes into something that she can lift over her head without ruining make-up after she puts it on. Honey goes over some new make-up which includes lip balm and self-curling mascara. Robbie puts on her blush. Now she’s back in overalls and in the kitchen. Danny shows her how to make kosher tiramisu that’s non-dairy. It involves eggs, mocha, sugar, margarine, Khalua, and vanilla. Some boiling. Some whisking. Espresso and lady fingers. Voila! Instant dessert. The GP and Pippi Laurenstocking sit on her new couches and recap the pointers for the day. They predict shock and tears from Lex and her family. Robbie thinks she’s transformed into a beautiful woman. She says they’re wonderful. Danny suggests she take a “blow torch to the overalls.” Sweet. Hip Tip: Honey says to keep mascara fresh by closing the tube tightly and buying a new tube every three months. The co-worker interviews that Lauren wants to step into the role of the professional. The GP are on the Critic Couch in the Esquire House once again. Danny’s in leather. Yummy. Pippi Laurenstocking begins making the tiramisu. Damon is shocked that it’s a non-dairy substitute that she’s using. She has trouble whipping the custard. Danny yells, “Get some wrist action!” He then mocks the presentation. But then she redeems herself by cleaning the rim of the bowl. She then washes and detangles her hair which Robbie refers to as “the beast.” It’s all about the product. She then puts contacts in without washing her hands. She has lots of trouble putting her contacts in. Wow, she looks like she’s in pain. Then, more product. Toner. Concealer. Lots of skin stuff. Honey loves that she uses the sponge. Heehee. Sounds dirty. Danny says, “She’s been hiding behind those glasses and that pony tail for far too long.” Jeez. She’s taking forever with the make-up! Then she blows out her hair. More work. Lots of time. Over to White Lotus where Lex and friends wait for Pippi Laurenstocking. They laugh and drink and talk. Pippi Laurenstocking arrives in her flowy yellow-green satin dress and simply says, “Hi.” Heehee. What an entrance! Lex is overwhelmed and grabs her in a hug. Everyone cheers and claps. Lots of jaws dropping. Honey says, “We love Lex.” Danny chimes in, “I’ll take Lex.” I’ll take Danny if it’s that simple. Her friends like her dress and her make-up and her contacts. Lex is amazed at her eyes. Then he tells the story of how she was once mistaken for his daughter. Yeah, that’s a story you might not want to tell in celebration of your anniversary. Lex and Pippi Laurenstocking cuddle and she thanks everyone for being there and she tells Lex she’s happy their married. Then they make out! Pippi Laurenstocking takes Lex home but makes him wait in the hallway as she lights every single candle in the place. She takes off her heels to do it but then puts them back on. Lex’s reaction to the apartment? “Whoa.” The GP call him Joey Lawrence and I piss my pants. She then shows him the tiramisu she made. She serves in pretty plates and Lex is impressed with the presentation. Robbie says that Lex can’t wait to see the bedroom. Instead, Lex gives her a present—a vacation. Then they make out again. Robbie says that he “really knows how to dip and kiss.” Heehee. Then she takes him to the bedroom. His reaction? “Whoa.” Pippi Laurenstocking says, “That was your reaction for the other room.” Then she shows him what she bought at Victoria’s Secret. It’s red. Lex says, “I like red.” The GP “whoooo!” for them. The Gal Pals toast to Lex and Lauren. Robbie says that lingerie tanks look good under blazers. Damon says use anti-static spray on furniture to avoid fur sticking to it. Honey says to fold bras properly. Danny says…well, I have no idea. He’s wearing a muscle shirt and I can’t concentrate. Oh, how I’ve missed you so! A real-life Pippi Longstocking becomes a real-life Jessica Rabbit. Email christina@realityshack.com Are you intrigued by the lost episodes? |
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