| Scott the I'm Not Wearing Rhinestones Cowboy: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Texas Episode 3.12 |
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| Posted on Tue 12 Apr 2005 (1573 reads) |
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-- Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl Break out your spurs and lassoes for one final round of Queer Eye for the Texan Guy. Actually, I think it would be fun to break out the spurs and lassoes for every episode from here on in. In any case, we’re still in Texas (why they’re showing the Fab Five running from the airport again, I don’t know—it’s not as if they keep flying back into Texas) to help out Scott the Ranchero. Or Ranchman. Or cowboy. Or something. Ted yells, “we’ve got a cowboy!” and they all yee-haw. He’s 130 pounds and they think he’s very boyish. Carson thinks he needs boy clothes. Apparently he was injured. Scott, not Carson. Scott is a horse trainer who has a baby with a lady from Arizona and he’s moving back to Texas. His parents’ names are Tinker and Buckey or something. The mission: Help the cowboy rope in his cowgirl. And then Carson says something like “aha” only Texas style. Credits. Brand me, baby. The FF pull up yee-hawing to Scott’s house and they knock silently on the door as to not wake the baby. However, they are very concerned with the hole in the ceiling. Scott is a wiry white guy with brown hair that’s kind of surfer-dude-ish. The living room has white walls, a gray carpet, bulky blue furniture, and a lone wooden coffee table. But mostly, it’s just empty space that looks abandoned. And there’s a purple couch with a television set on it. They find Jessica, the wife, feeding the baby. The FF love a pina colada in the morning. Heehee. I just got back from the Bahamas, and I totally agree. Over in the kitchen, Ted says there’s a lot of smells. Scott says it’s a work in progress. How does that account for the smell? Carson finds a picture of Scott and a horse. Scott says it’s his stud. Carson says that he has a stud too: “Mine’s named Matthew and he has an amazing rump.” The bedroom has the same run-down furniture. Thom says it looks as if “big women with Adams apples” decorated it. Ha! In the living room, the FF ride Ted and he bucks and bucks and they all laugh. Kyan then lassoes a gay man. He swings a lasso around recklessly. Ted and Carson yell, “Watch out for ceiling fan” as they get whipped with the rope. Scott explains that the house was his grandfather’s place. That’s where everything is from. It was a weekend home. He passed away in there. One of those factoids was highly unnecessary. Can you tell which one it is? Hint: It’s the dreary one about death. In the living room, Jai hits on the horse picture on the wall. Really. He asks if the horse is single. What? And Thom finds it amusing. Since when do gay men hit on animals? Ted inspects some sofa cushions. He says they are sticky and smelly. He tells Scott, “Furniture shouldn’t have a smell.” Scott defends, “It’s lived in.” Heehee. Carson then yells, “There’s a penicillin farm in freezer.” They keep the baby away. The kitchen is a bevy of grossness. The refrigerator is all molded out. Ted says that there’s so much crap because someone else left it. Scott says a dear friend left stuff for them to use. Such as deep fat fryer with grease still in it. The baby’s nursery is white with gray carpet and some distressing chairs that have been draped in pink. The baby falls asleep in Thom’s arms. In the living room, Carson ropes Jai and hog ties him. He says it’s “So gay rodeo.” Heehee. Back to the hole over the front door. Ew. Things are falling into Carson’s hair. He claims they’re worms. He’s lying but still, ew. Jessica explains that she packed up dog and horses and baby and came to Texas for Scott. The FF say her story is like a Reba song. Heehee. Meanwhile, Kyan does a solo hoedown in the bathroom. Jessica tells Ted that the horse business is hard work. A lot like equestrian figure skating. Ted says, “Thanks for putting that in terms I understand.” Ha. How did Scott get injured? A horse flipped over on Scott and his femur and hip broke. Over to the closet. Scott’s clothes are boring. Too much blouse action. Looks normal with right size. Carson wants “big solid horse flesh.” Carson suggests they go riding. Outside is a huge truck trailer thing and a man with a cap who welcomes them to Texas. It’s Scott’s dad. Carson introduces himself as “you’re Buckey and I’m lucky” and Dad goes “you’re right!” Love an old Texan. Thom, wrapped in a Mexican wrappy thing with another Mexican-flavored thingie wrapped around his head, says bye to the baby and climbs into the cab with Dad. The boys Whoooo! as Dad Buckey honks the air horn while driving off. Ted asks Scott why he’s returned to Texas after so many years in Arizona. Dad Buckey says he needed help. Scott says no, that his brother needed him. Something about more than enough riding and showing and expanding and I’m guessing this is all about horses. Ted asks Carson if it’s like the same kind of system that takes care of his horses. Carson says yes and I can’t even tell if they’re joking or not. When two dry-humorists get together, sarcasm is no longer detectable. And then, what’s the point? Sigh. After some more obligatory whooing, they arrive at the horse place and we know this from the horses attached to the metal clothes hanger thingie that makes them walk around in circles and stuff their noses up each other’s asses. The horses, not the cowboys. Are you confused? Me too. Moving on. They meet brother Jeff. Kyan puts on some riding gear and asks how he looks. God forbid, anyone say something negative. But why would they do that anyway? He looks hot. As usual. He explains, “The gays wear chaps too but it’s really kind of a different thing.” Heehee. Punctuate that with a yee-hah. Ted finds himself on top of a horse and he asks Dad Buckey, “Do you think he can tell that I have no idea of what I’m doing?” Dad answers, “Absolutely.” Ha! Over to Thom atop a horse. He looks none too comfortable. Carson asks if he’s on a stud and Thom’s like “yeah” in a very distracted way because he’s concentrating on staying on the horse instead of coming up with witty, sarcastic comments. Kyan is now on a horse too. And what is he doing? Combing his fingers through the horse’s mane. I kid you not. He asks what they do to make the manes shiny. Seriously. He asks that. No one answers him but I’m sure the horse is thinking, “If he breaks out the scissors, I’m so bucking him into last summer.” Carson and Jai have made their way onto some horses as well. Jai is oh-godding and his horse is walking backwards. Carson gets all horse-teachery and tells Jai not to pull back on the reins. Presumably because pulling back will make the horse go back more. Some woman’s voice is telling Jai that horses move away from pressure. Cut over to Carson who is making his horse do 360s. More galloping. More whooing. More Jai getting the hang of it. Carson suggests to Scott they throw an open barn barbeque for Jessica and the baby. Scott thinks it’s a great idea. He better because otherwise, no make-over. The mother interviews that Scott lives in work clothes and has lots of room for improvement. In the SUV, Scott says Jessica is the love of his life. HE doesn’t do well in large crowds. Jessica is impossible not to like and is so sweet. Carson says he knows all about that. It’s a blonde thing. Ha. They go to Arrangement that has handcrafted regional mix-n-match American-Western furniture. That’s a mouthful. Tinker is there! I so love that name. Obligatory sofa sitting. Thom likes mahogany. He shows how a deep sofa is great. It’s brown suede. Pretty. Thom shows them a dining table made from a wagon wheel. It’s good for congregating according to Tinker. Thom then shows them the oldest living wood that is sandblasted. It becomes a coffee table with a glass top. Scott keeps referring to the furniture as art. Thom loves that. Over to the mall, Carson is stealing coins from the fountain. Carson loves Scott’s style of denim and buckles and cowboy. He wants to add the cool. Brother Jeff shows up. He puts Scott in a smaller shirt that is surprisingly not restraining. He gives him a denim jacket and a sport jacket for a layered look. Next is an orange cashmere sweater, jacket, and jeans. Jeff calls Scott a “rhinestone cowboy.” Heehee. Jai and Scott go to the art museum where Jessica is. They focus on western art. He tells them to take in the whole piece. They analyze a picture with a cow in it. Scott calls it “Dali-esque.” More pictures of horses. What is the point of this? Anyone? Over to the market where Ted is all about the steak. Rudolph’s Meat Factory or something. And Buckey’s there! Hooray! Ted loves a custom-cut steak. They talk to the butcher about aging beef. Isn’t that a bad thing? Doesn’t that lead to botulism? The butcher is in a family business and loves serving the meet to the neighborhood. Then they discuss brisquet (which I am spelling so completely wrong that the correct spelling isn't even coming up on spellcheck and I'm too damn lazy to check the very heavy dictionary three rooms away).It’s intense. Ted asks for chicken and pig as well. It’s a whole meat fest. Kyan is sore as he hobbles into the College of Oriental Medicine. He wants Scott to try acupuncture to heal his injury from when the horse fell on him. Okay, I just giggled at writing that. It’s really not funny but still. A horse fell on him. Heeheehee. I am so going to hell. Anyway, Scott recounts the tale of his injury. The acupuncturist tells him that he has a stagnated chi and starts to shove needles into his leg. Cool. The father interviews that no woman would be happy with the house. Back in the SUV, Scott says that Jessica will be ecstatic about the new house. Ted says he can’t take credit for that. He suggests that Scott be proactive in the introductions. They arrive at the house, count to three, and “yeay!”, and Carson says, “We cleaned up your dirty hole!” Ha! Now that’s comedy! There’s no more hole in the ceiling. Scott seems happy about that. Then he “good Lords” as he sees no trash or bad linoleum is on the floor. Thom says that the original laminate wood floor is back! There are curtains and rods and green walls and brown couches and leather chairs and a coffee table with the oldest wood in the world. Also Thom painted the stove red. There’s a new stainless steel fridge and the new dining table is there as well. Scott is happy that the woman and child he brought into his life will not have to live the way he does. The nursery is striped blue and yellow. There’s a new crib and a soft carpet. Also, the walls are decorated with horseshoes. Scott says it’s the most important room. Thom calls him a good dad. Jai sits Scott down and talks about how he brought Jessica flowers when she had their daughter. Jai gives Scott Texas flowers to give to her. Then tells him that he needs to make a speech at the party. He then gives Scott a digital camera and printer because he’s the Electronic Fairy. Out in the yard, Kyan shows Scott how pregnant horses can also benefit from acupuncture. Seriously. Back inside, Ted has brought in reinforcements. Ray, a chef. They make a dry rub with sugar, chili powder, and mustard. I might be missing a few ingredients there. Ray rubs with brisquet “like a democrat, liberally.” Ted sprinkles more stuff on more meat. He then makes bleu cheese cole slaw to serve sixty people. It’s got garlic, cabbage, cauliflower, broccoli, bleu cheese, and pickle juice. And no, I don’t think I’m missing ingredients from that. But I could be wrong. There’s a food processor involved. Carson is disturbed that Ted always “tries to get people to rub his meat.” Ha. Carson dresses Scott in a blue fitted shirt and brown blazer with brown jeans and a belt. It’s sophisticated cowboy. Carson gives him chaps and a Stetson and Jai thinks it’s sexy. Then Scott changes into a suede shirt jacket and cool belt. Next is a suede fringed jacket a la Jon Bon Jovi 1982. Carson then gives Scott a heart charm to give to Jessica and gets choked up. Scott thanks them all. He calls them true gentlemen and he’s proud and glad to know them. That’s so Texas. They wish him luck and leave. Scott says, “And the silence falls across the land.” Hip Tip: Ted says to try portion control to lose weight instead of giving up the foods you love. I’m so with you on that one, Ted! The father interviews that Scott can backtalk every now and then. Over to the Cowboy Critic Couch, Ted says something about steers and queers. Thom comments that the jeans Carson put him in look very very good. Scott showers and puts on white tube socks. Thom calls him nonchalant. Scott puts on some jeans and a button-down shirt that he tucks in real tight. None of it is Carson-approved. Carson complains, “He’s totally dissing me right now!” It’s hard to believe Carson is upset when he’s wearing such a sparkly shirt. Ted explains that since he’s a cowboy, he’s not going to take direction from Carson. Scott moseys on into the living room to braid some flower stuff. He puts it in his mouth and the FF yell for him not to eat it. He puts together some flowers. In the kitchen, he makes the slaw. Kyan says life is too short for one color of cabbage. Words to live by. Jessica returns with the baby and omigoshes and omigods. Scott stands there and says, “I can’t tell a whole lot of difference, personally.” Ha! She never thought the change was possible. She loves the baby’s room. Thom watches and nods but not in the arrogant way you’d expect. Scott gives her the flowers. Thom says she deserves flowers every day for moving there. Scott changes into different jeans that aren’t sanctioned but wears the suede jacket. He gives Jessica one of the belts. They go to the open barn that has a smoking, anatomically correct armadillo. Tinker and Buckey greet them and gush at Scott’s transformation. Except for the fact that he looks the same because he’s wearing all the same clothes, save the jacket. They bring out the brisquet and pig. Jai freaks out, “It’s Piglet.” Kyan asks, “You condone this?” Ted says yes. Jessica starts introducing herself to people as Scott gives the camera to someone else to take pictures. Carson calls Scott a stubborn jackass. Scott rings the triangle, thanks the Fab Five for straightening out his life, and then has everyone line up. The FF asks why he hasn’t mentioned Jessica. Good question. Scott then introduces her to small groups of people. He did say that neither of them like crowds so maybe that’s a good call on his part. Then Jessica and Tinker make fun of Carson’s fashion sense. Jessica says, “They wanted him to wear this,” and points to the belt. Tinker says, “I don’t think so!” with a half-laugh. Carson is flabbergasted. Scott pulls Jessica out of the family crowd and introduces her. He gives her the charm and says that the house is more hers than his. Jai is on his knees complaining that Scott is not romantic at all. Thom suggests that maybe she doesn’t like PDA either. That’s what I just said! Ted says that since she’s lived with horse people all her life, she’s used to people like Scott. Then there’s lots of riding. Carson says it’s called sliding, like ballet and horseback. Buckey wants acupuncture after being on a horse because he rarely rides. Jessica rides. Tinker rides and brings the baby along. They all line up and have their picture taken. Then Scott and Jessica get one by themselves. Kyan says that the most important thing that happened was bringing Jessica into the family ride. They cheers to family tradition and Jessica. No tips this week. The boys are flying back. And so go the homos on the range off into the sunset with Scott the unmade-man and Jessica the belt-wearing bandit in tow. Email me: Christina@realityshack.com Ever been hog tied? |
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