Reunited and Joe Feels So Good: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Texas Episode 3.11
Posted on Tue 05 Apr 2005 (1407 reads)
--Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl Still in the Lone Star State which means the SUV still has some big scary horns on its hood. They yeehaw to Joe of Fort Worth who plays guitar at a nursing home and is married to Penny who was 300 lbs but had gastric bypass. She’s a musician too. They have a baby named River which Jai says is more like Creek because he’s 9 months old. Joe hasn’t seen his dad in 20 years and the Fab Five are appalled. Even more appalling and challenging is that Joe is color blind. The mission: A long overdue family reunion. Credits. Eagle-eyed credit watchers will note that all the men on the billboards as well as some of the background buildings have been Texified. The Fab Five surprise Joe at work. They pull up to a nursing home filled with wheelchairs and old people. Joe is in purple scrubs and wears goggles and a hot dog on his head. He’s singing a song that repeats the lyrics are “I wonder where my hot dog is.” Could this be any sadder or is that just me? Ted tries on a fuzzy purple hat. Kyan plays the tambourine like that little girl in the Partridge Family. They grab Joe, who has lots of facial hair and weird head hair, and go to his little white house with yellow trim and a bush outside. They step into the house with Hairy Joe in the lead and they yell a simultaneous “Ohhhhh!” Very white walls and furniture. A typical wood entertainment center. Semi-sparse. Jai grabs a lawn gnome that’s on a shelf and they claim that the resemblance to Hairy Joe is uncanny. Well, if Joe had on a red pointy hat…. In comes the wife and baby. Penny is a soccer mom type with short dark hair and a pretty pink button down blouse. Baby River is ADORABLE!! Ted then runs his fingers through Hairy Joe’s spiky hair and asks if he’s using hair care products. Hairy Joe says a little bit. Ted answers, “Really??” Kyan asks the wife what she wants him to do to Hairy Joe and the wife answers, “New haircut.” Kyan immediately drops the whole gay thing and steals Hairy Joe’s wife because she understands it’s all about the hair. Well, not really. But he’s happy she wants Hairy Joe to have new hair. Meanwhile, Thom, baby, and Jai find a room behind curtains that is strictly for the refrigerator and Hairy Joe’s clothes. Okay, then. Ted finds lots of canned soup in the cupboard. “These people are lazy.” Can we say judgmental? Carson inspects a tattoo on Hairy Joe’s ankle. It’s a Chinese symbol. Carson thinks it translates to chicken fried rice. HJ says that they told him it means guitar. Carson insists chicken fried rice. “You were duped!” Heehee. Kyan tries on some glasses and says he feels as if he’s walking down a tunnel. He grabs onto a wall to steady himself. Heehee. Penny says they’re Joe’s glasses. They look like the X-Ray glasses advertised on the back of comic books. Carson finds clothes with monkeys on them and Hairy Joe says that’s his nickname. Then Carson makes some flying monkey jokes that I don’t quite find amusing but Hairy Joe laughs away. I think he’s easily amused. Ted finds a tray of what looks like old pizza. He asks if it’s low carb. It’s not appetizing and it was probably frozen at one point. Heehee. Jai finds a mask and scares the crap out of Carson. It’s like a Jason mask meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It’s a scary mask that I never want to see again. Ever. Hairy Monkey Joe laughs and laughs at how Carson got scared. Outside, Thom tugs at a leaf and tells Penny, “You could use a little landscaping.” Penny’s like, yeah, I know. Ted tries on shiny pants and calls himself MC Hammer. They’re not really diaper pants like MC Hammer wore but it’s still funny. He does a little dance step, ending with the whisper, “Fierce!” Heehee. They find some fat Penny pictures and are like, Wow. Because what else can you say about someone who lost like 200 lbs? Then there’s a close-up of a fish who has seen better days. He seems to be saying, “Please let me out of this murky water!” Over in the bedroom, Thom finds Penny’s bra and is impressed. Carson says that she could “hoist up buildings with it.” Meanwhile, Kyan dresses River in a white feather boa and then rubs the boa in River’s nose. Penny giggles. River is unimpressed. Carson sits on the porch swing with Hairy Monkey Joe and discusses his dad with him. They basically lost touch. He started another family. HMJ has half siblings. In the kitchen, Thom and Ted ask Penny what happened to the chairs. They have weird drippy stains on them. Ted asks, “Was somebody murdered here?” Wouldn’t it be funny if someone was? Then what would Ted say? Not that murder is funny, but you know. In any case. Penny has no clue how those stains got there. I have a pillow in my car that has a mystery stain on it. I’d like to think that all mystery stains are either coffee or chocolate. That lets me sleep at night. Kyan inspects HMJ’s teeth. He asks if HMJ either smokes or has coffee. HMJ says coffee. Kyan tells him that he has coffee haze on his teeth. That’s nice. Thom and Jai throw chunky white chairs onto the front lawn. They say, “These are terrible.” Ha. Ted looks through Penny’s fat pictures when she was swimming on her honeymoon. Ted says she looks good with a snorkel. Now that’s a compliment you don’t hear every day. Kyan says that she looks great now. Her hair and make-up are cute. Wow, Kyan actually approves of something. Over in the living room, there’s a tangle of wires in and around the fireplace. Thom asks, “How does Santa Claus get in here?” Instead of worrying about pretend children’s characters, perhaps they should worry about an electrical fire. HMJ says he forgot he had a fireplace because the entertainment center blocks it. In the kitchen, Jai wants Eggos but doesn’t know how to cook them. He throws one into the oven. Ha. HMJ gives River and Penny kisses as they leave. Carson says that he’ll look a lot better when she gets back. Then Kyan asks HMJ if he’s mad at his dad. HMJ says no. He thinks that it takes two people to make and break relationships. Kyan’s like, are you sure there’s no animosity? It’s as if he wants there to be anger. Kyan, quit it. You irk me this season. Meanwhile, Thom has a tantrum in River’s play pen. Carson leans over and consoles him. Thom may get stuck in that playpen. His knees are up to his chin. Hee. And man, can he scream. It’s funny because while Kyan and HMJ were having they’re very serious conversation, you can hear this ruckus going in the background and when you finally see it, it just all makes sense. HMJ sings a song he wrote for his dad. This song does not contain lyrics about a hot dog nor does HMJ wear a hot dog hat. Jai thinks it’s awesome. Now Carson has found the thick glasses. Thom keeps calling him Ted. Heehee. Thom is so into making fun of Ted. The real Ted has HMJ in the kitchen, telling him that he should be prepared to cook for 15 people. HMJ is very hesitant and petrified. Ted is pretty much like, too bad, you’re cooking, so there. Get tough, Ted. The scary mask? Is back in the bathroom. Shaving. Scary. Carson springs a “quick color blind test” on HMJ. He lays out all different colored fabrics on the floor and points to them one at a time. The test goes a little something like this: Carson: “What color is this?” HMJ: “Green.” Carson: “Good.” HMJ: “Blue?” Carson: “Teal!” HMJ: “Blue or black?” Carson: “Blue!” HMJ: “Blue?” Carson: “Lavender!” HMJ: “Yellow?” Carson: “Red!” Meanwhile, Jai and Thom are in the bathroom still grooming the scary mask. The scary mask that I said I never wanted to see again. Ever. In the bedroom, Carson tells HMJ to pull out something he’ll wear to the reunion party. Not much to wear party-wise. He goes through HMJ’s closet and finds heavy tweed jackets. He thinks that the tweed will be too heavy for the party. He also finds t-shirts and cargo shorts. And that’s pretty much it. Thom tells HMJ, “I think you will agree that this house lame is pitiful. And the fish? Can we kill it? It’s in a cesspool of filth. You eat next to that?” The fish is in foggy water. You can barely see the poor fish. Ew. HMJ laughs laughs laughs because he knows it’s pitifully true. Carson finds family photos and HMJ’s dad looks a lot like HMJ. HMJ’s friend interviews that he doesn’t believe that HMJ has no animosity towards his father. Has he been talking to Kyan? Why does everyone want all the drama? In the SUV, HMJ says he’s very excited and wants to show his dad that he’s had a wonderful life. He doesn’t want anyone to feel bad. His dad, his mother, his step-father, and all his siblings and half-siblings will be at the party. That’s a lot of people. At the furniture store, they do some obligatory sofa sitting. Thom makes fun of HMJ’s style of matching all the furniture because he finds one piece that he likes and then buys the whole set. They find an off-white sofa. They move on to coffee tables. One has storage space. Thom says that they can add water and put the poor fish in it. Ha. Obligatory chair sitting on striped chairs. Cool. Then some leather chairs. They’re going for a bungalow look. Then they talk about Penny meeting the dad for the first time because the furniture store is the most appropriate place for that conversation. Over to Ted and Penny as they race around human-sized veggies at the market. Ted calls it “veggie slalom.” Heehee. Ted is showing them food that isn’t in a can. He sends HMJ to get avocados and HMJ asks if they’re all one color. Because he’s color blind. See how that’s the running joke? They drive shopping carts over to seafood. Actually, they race them and Penny loses. The seafood guy says that fish should smell like the ocean and not the dock and the eyes should be red. Gross. They buy fish to feed 15 people. Over to the mall and Carson, who is mall walking. They look at some “nicer” clothes. Weird voice-over stuff is happening here and I’m disturbed because all we see is HMJ’s face smiling and Carson’s hands and a striped shirt moving through the air. Weird. Okay, they dress HMJ up in a black suit with brown suede shoes. He gives him a camel blazer. Very nice. Some reflective sunglasses. Questionable. He looks good, though. Kyan brings HMJ to Todd Allen, his very best hair friend. Kyan tells HMJ that his hair has interesting texture and they had to call in a special stylist to shave him. Kyan is getting a haircut too! Kyan’s excited: “I’ve never had a haircut with a straight guy before!” HMJ says, “I’ve never had a haircut with a gay guy before.” So it’s a first for both of them. HMJ gets shaved and looks about 20 years younger. Then he gets his hair styled as Kyan talks to him about his dad and River. Haircut finished and it seems fuller on top. HMJ meets up with Jai at a saloon with Shawn Colvin. HMJ is a big fan and has goosebumps. Jai says that Colvin’s greatest hits CD is out and she should listen and critique HMJ’s song. She has a greatest hits CD? I know one song of hers and I’m not really sure if it’s her. Sonny Came Home? Anyone? Anyway, they play guitars and sing and Jai joins in with no guitar. HMJ’s friend interviews that bad feelings may lead to disaster at the reunion. IN the SUV, Kyan suggests that HMJ will learn about himself. Jai says that he took HMJ’s fish to the aquarium for a better home. Carson says that they’re making his place Wowtown. They’ve painted the door red and did lots and lots of landscaping. The living room walls are yellow with wood trim on the windows. A white brick fireplace with an orange-brown picture over it. A flatscreen tv mounted on the wall. White couches, striped and leather chairs. The dining room is orange-red with a dark wood table and zen-green dishware. Back to the porch, Thom plugs the landscapers and painting company. It’s bungalow style with white rocking chairs. There’s a Texas flag made of wood on the wall next to the door. In the kitchen, Ted has about a thousand ingredients out on the counter. Olive oil, garlic, capers, tomatoes, Sheri vinegar, sage, thyme, rosemary, olives, chicken stock, cumin, lime juice, and avocado. And that’s just the sauce! They put it over the fish and put it all in the oven. But that’s not all! Corn, black beans, carrots, green onions, basil, and cilantro. I hate cilantro. It tastes like my foot. Not that I’ve ever tasted my foot but I imagine that it’s what cilantro tastes like. Fashion time. Thom is inside the coffee table in the living room for some reason. They put HMJ in non-cargo shorts where they can see his knees. Carson says it makes him look taller. He wears shorts and a long sleeved shirt which some people think you can’t do but you so can. He puts on a suit. Then a “Tex in the City” outfit. Carson also gives him a sweater to give to Penny. Kyan takes him into the bathroom to show him products. Most of them are herbal. And out come the Crest White Strips Premium. He tells him to brush his teeth after he uses them but I don’t think you’re supposed to brush afterwards. Whatever. He won’t have hazy teeth anymore. Next they go into the living room where Kyan teaches HMJ how to massage a rubber baby doll. This is very disturbing. It’s a way to bond with River. Moving on. Jai, who Kyan calls Jai Bird, teaches HMJ how to wrap a present using double-sided tape. They’re running out of things for Jai to do. They cut and tie ribbon. Pretty. And now, Jai the Instrument Fairy gives HMJ a new guitar. Then Jai the Instrument Fairy gets a hug. He then tells HMJ that he knows what it’s like to not have a father and that HMJ has the best opportunity ahead of him. The Fab Five gather in the living room to give HMJ stuff for the baby. Then they tell HMJ to have fun. HMJ appreciates the education he got from them and thanks them. They all cheers and then leave. Thom gives HMJ an extra-lingering hug. Hip Tip: Thom says to move furniture on towels so you don’t scratch the floor. Or just leave your furniture where it is. HMJ’s brother interviews that the reunion is something they need. Over on the Critic Couch, the FF are all nervous for HMJ. HMJ cooks. He chops one scallion at a time. Carson says, “I don’t think you’re supposed to put the dirty roots into the mix.” Ted says, “no, you’re not.” He’s not very good at chopping. Jai thinks they’ll need the ER soon. Or a maid. He’s made a mess out of everything. HMJ smirks to himself. Fortunately, the final product looks delicious. Next, he wraps a bunch of presents and puts the double-sided tape on the outside of present. The FF notice that he’s laughing to himself so he knows he’s making a mess of it all. Then he tries to get dressed. Carson hopes that he’s putting on an in-between outfit because he’s not wearing anything that Carson told him to. They all think this is becoming a disaster. Penny comes home and giggles with glee. She gets teary and then tearier when she walks inside. “I can’t believe this is our house!” She loves loves loves the wall unit that has replaced the fish tank. HMJ gives her a present. He says, “It’s a camisole.” Carson is excited that he knows that new word. Then HMJ grabs the baby for a bonding experience. River keeps crawling away. HMJ says, “Okay then we’ll do your back.” Baby keeps crawling away. Thom crawls across the Critic Chairs to imitate the baby. Heehee. Kyan’s like, “He’s not having it,” as the baby crawls away again. Kyan laughs and keels over onto Thom. River grabs for a pillow and HMJ drags him back again. HMJ settles for bouncing him for a bit. Penny comes out in the cami and cardigan. HMJ tells her she’s gorgeous. The FF think they’re good together. HMJ then tries to open wine. He tries to twist it off. Then Penny tries. Ted says, “I feel bad. I didn’t think I had to teach them this.” They finally figure out how to use the corkscrew but she breaks the cork off instead. The Fab Five are exasperated. Jai throws himself down on the couch. Mom, step-dad, and others arrive but Penny and HMJ are still in the kitchen. Thom sneers, “Let’s hope they don’t like wine.” Carson calls out, “Hello! There are people in your house.” They all love the house and think HMJ looks great. Penny’s family arrives and has the same happy reactions. Kyan loves that they are so “Texas.” Then the dad arrives with the step-siblings. HMJ opens the door with a “Hey, how’s it going? Thanks for coming. This is amazing. Hey, what’s going on?” Hugs. Hugs. And then? HMJ cries and leans against the step-brother. He weeps, “Introduce yourselves!” and everyone kind of looks at him all weird like he’s crying as if he’s meeting his father for the first time in twenty years or something! Jeez. The FF yell, “Someone hug him!” Finally, the step-brother hugs him. The dad meets River and Penny. Kyan says, “Oh he’s meeting his grandson for the first time!” Thanks MOTO. Then HMJ needs to check the fish. Ted says, “I’m so upset that they have to worry about the food.” That’s the first time he’s said that. HMJ tries to check the fish but then cries into his oven mitt. Penny says, “It’s okay,” and hugs him. She takes the mitts and then cries her way through checking the fish. Penny says, “I wish Ted were here to check the fish.” The FF love Penny. Because she cries too and check the fish for HMJ. They wind up in the living room. HMJ says, “So tell me what you’ve been doing for the last twenty years!” The FF are happy that they’re approaching this with a sense of humor. The dad says that he’s been working for the government. Ted says, “That’s where he’s been! He’s a spy!” Heehee. Out on to the porch where HMJ sings the song he wrote. Everyone loves it. Then it’s one-on-one time. They talk about poor communication skills. The dad says that he wouldn’t trade it for anything and that’s he’s missed him and they love each other. Carson sighs, “Huggage!” and the FF awwww. Thom thinks they reconnected because HMJ took charge. Ted says, “It’s never too late.” They toast to courage and new beginnings. A monkey musician becomes a happy host to a long lost dad. And hopefully he’ll never wear a hot dog hat again. Still no tips. Perhaps the guys are flying back. Email me: Christina@realityshack.com Is it right to take advantage of the color blind?

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