The Best Little Frat House in Texas: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Episode 3.10
Posted on Mon 04 Apr 2005 (1820 reads)
--Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl The Fab Five hit the ground running all the way to the land where everything is oversized! Big hats. Big belt buckles. Big, well, you get the picture. We’re in Texas! Because sometimes even the big boys in the south need some help. Especially boys in frats. (Or should I say fraternities? You know the old saying, “You shouldn’t call your fraternity a frat because you wouldn’t call your country a c*nt” although that doesn’t quite work because you’d really be calling your country a count, as in the purple guy with the cape from Sesame Street.) The SUV is sporting some pretty large bull horns on its hood and the Fab Five are wearing pink cowboy boots. Scary. So Cameron is a fraternity frat boy. THE frat boy—he’s chair of the rush committee. And apparently the frat house and the boys in it need some serious making over. The Sigma Chis are having a rush party and need to be presentable. Thom suggests that the frat boys might be the big losers on campus. So mean. They’ve also ruined a brand new fraternity house. The FF are shocked and appalled. Apparently the FF have never met fraternity boys before. They can make a garbage dump messy. With Rush Week only a few days away, they all need to throw a great party. Kyan says that they’ll fix the house and invite the ladies and then the ladies will attract the good pledges. It’s all very scientific. Ted asks if it’s wrong to “use the ladies as bait.” Heehee. Story of my life. (a story that I won’t get into here…) The mission: Make this the best little frat house in Texas. Credits. A burning map of Texas! Because when you take a trip somewhere, you should burn a map of the place. The FF run up to the fraternity house and karate chop it for no apparent reason. One of them carries a beer mug. The living room is HUGE. High, high ceilings. Yet, tragically sparse. The floor is brown, the walls are white, and there are maybe two beat-up couches in the middle. Kyan asks, “What’s that smell?” The frat boys answer, “Frat!” Heehee. The smell of frat is like no other known to man. Carson thinks the smell is testosterone. The frat boys keep yelling and cheering as theFF find Cameron. How do we describe Cameron? He’s a frat boy. Seriously, he’s what everyone’s ideal version of a frat boy would be. Tall, dark short hair, slight build, in a t-shirt. How do we describe everyone else? In the same way. Kyan grabs some guy’s head and says, “Check this out! Who talked you into doing that, bro?” One: the guy’s head is attached to his body and should not be grabbed and twisted in that way. Two: the guy’s hair is a bit stiff but that’s the style for young men these days (and yes, I sound like a grandmother here and I’m ashamed and surprised at myself. Moving on.). Three: what’s with the “Bro?” You’re not in the fraternity, Kyan. Then Carson goes into sneaky mode and tries to see some skin: “God, it’s warm in here. We should all take our shirts off!” Ha! No one does it. YET (ominous!). Ted meanders into the kitchen. It’s icky. Plastic bags all over, garbage all over, and a steak on the floor that Ted tries to play shuffle board with. Heehee. He’s so athletic. Thom and Kyan then high-five some dude who apparently manscapes (that’s Queer Eye speak for trims his body hair). They make the guy lift his shirt. See, Carson? That’s how to do it. Then Kyan is highly disappointed. He says, “That’s not manscaping. That’s shaving it all off.” Carson accosts a brother they call “giggles.” Why? So he can poke him in the sides and hear giggles galore! Over in the kitchen, Cameron is now wearing one of the sombreros used in “The Three Amigos.” Ted asks him if he’s ready for rush. In that hat, he’s ready for anything! No, not really. Carson wants some guy to teach him how to stroke. That sounds dirty. At the pool table. Still dirty. Carson grabs the guy’s arms and makes him reach around his waist. So, so very dirty. The rest of the brothers crack up. Back in the kitchen, they reveal that the fridge is completely empty. Of food, that is. It’s got all kinds of crud in it. Then Kyan starts looking for the porn in some bin in some closet. Then Thom looks back in the fridge and finds Ted sitting in it. Fun with kitchen appliances! Cut to the bathroom with a brown floor, blue stall doors, and towels strewn about. Carson calls it “a real hell hole.” Then Jai holds up a rubber glove and ponders, “Now what do you use this for?” Someone suggests cleaning. Then Carson comes out with a huge orange plunger thingie and says, “And what do you use THIS for?” Jai cracks up. Heehee. Out in the hallway, Ted inspects some walls. With holes in them. One of the brothers calls it “mystery holes.” Typical of frat houses. Back in the living room, Carson still tries to catch them all off guard: “Oh, I want to see everyone’s underwear. Just drop your pants really quickly.” No one does it. YET! (there’s that ominousity again.) Then he harasses Tyler, the boy who manscapes. Apparently, he owns a flat iron. How metrosexual of him. Tyler gets embarrassed so Carson makes it worse by telling the brothers to sing-song, “Tyler’s got a flat iron!” Ha. Over in closet, Kyan has found a tub of green goo. He explains to Ted and some boys, “Someone in this house puts this on their testicles to take off the hair.” Oh, my. I have nothing to say to that. Then in walks Tyler. Kyan says, “I should have known.” Tyler denies that the green goo is his. In the bedrooms, Carson inspects all the mini-fridges. “Omigod, there are bugs in here.” Close-up of several hundred dead black things. Eeeeewwwwwww. Over to the library. Another sparse room with some rolling chairs. Jai asks, “Where are the books?” Heehee. Then he notes that the rolling chairs have mystery stains all over them. Back to the mini-fridges where Carson finds rancid meat. Seriously. The walls are white because who has time to paint when they’re in college? Some walls have holes in them because who has time to spackle when they’re in college? The rooms are messy because who has time to clean when they’re in college? The kitchen is sticky with crap all over the counters, and the refrigerator is empty because who has time to go food shopping when they’re in college? And who has the money for food anyway? Cameron explains that his fraternity is the best because it’s a diverse mixture of all kinds of boys with all different backgrounds. Hooray for melting pots. In the hallway, Thom and Carson wield some pink goo at Tyler who tries to ward Thom off. So instead, Carson dumps the pink goo on Thom’s hair. The brothers cheer. Carson and Thom chase each other, flinging pink goo all over. So this is how gay men fight. They fling pink goo at each other. Heeeheee. Kyan goes frantically into the kitchen. “Come on guys. Help me out. I need a squirtable top.” Everyone opens all different bottles of different goo. Then the Fab Five squirt each other, but mostly Thom, with all their bottles of goo. This is so gross. I have an issue with anything that resembles food fighting. It skeeves me beyond all imaginable skeevability. This goes on for some time. They go outside and yell, “get the hose!” so they can hose off the goo. But not before they dump a gallon of what seems to be milk all over Cameron. Nice. Carson takes Cameron into the house and tells him that his clothes are dull and boring. Thom corrals the rest of the brothers back inside. “Come take a shower with us.” Heehee. Ted asks Cameron if there’s anything he cooks for when girls come over. Cameron and Tyler show Ted a mini-pizza. Then Cameron jazzes it up by dumping sauce next to and on top of the pizza. Ted asks if he’s been trained by a master chef. Then Tyler adds on a sprig of green leaf. Meanwhile, Carson is in the bathroom chasing everyone with a paper towel that he wiped on the urinal. So gross. Cameron tells Jai that he represents the entire fraternity and needs to be presentable. Then he explains that he just got out of a year long relationship. Seriously, I think Cameron may cry. Jai asks if he’s ready to date. Cameron says yes to dating but he’s not ready to have a girlfriend. Jai’s like, “no, no, no, no, no, how about a boyfriend.” No, just kidding. Jai suggests just dating. They all gather back into the living room. Carson says, “If I was a pledge and saw this place, I’d think it was a women’s correctional facility.” Ha! Thom wants to give them a nice room but is weary that the guys won’t take care of it. One of the brothers explains that they are all very nice and courteous and the house is the one thing that doesn’t represent them. Aww, they hold doors open and give up their chairs for girls. I’m moving to Texas! Then a very fraternity-like chanting screaming shouting session occurs. Wow. Something about Sigma Chi. They’re cool. And let the make-over begin. Some sorority girls and Cameron’s mother interview that his flip-flops and sombreros will never make him a ladies’ man. In the SUV, Thom, Carson, and Cameron all discuss how they all smell like condiments. Cameron has never had great confidence. Well, dumping food on him will really help the cause. To make him feel better, Carson calls him hot. But Carson calls everyone hot so I don’t think that’s much of a booster either. Thom tells Cameron to build confidence but avoid being cocky. Thom says, “Be like, ‘I’m good enough…’” and starts laughing at the start of his SNL impression. But Cameron catches on, “I’m smart enough,” and then the three yell, “And gosh darnnit, people like me!” Heeheeeee. Cut to Ted leading the other brothers in a cleaning parade of brooms and garbage bags at the house. Over to Elliott’s Hardware. Some of the brothers show up. Thom takes them around to buy lumber so they can build tables that will be compatible to come together as one table or work as two or four tables. And they’ll be sturdy enough to dance on! Then they find some cowboy hardhats. I want one. They dress up one of the brothers in the hat, goggles, and rainbow suspenders. Heehee. More tools. More paint. Now to Premium 93 clothing store. As Carson and Cameron run down the block, Cameron pushes Carson out of the way. Carson loves the aggressiveness. But Cameron? Overshoots the store’s entrance because he has no idea where he’s going. Ha! Ha! Now that’s comedy! Some more of the brothers show up with Jai. They look at button down shirts with vertical stripes. The woven shirt as a “signature piece.” Some wacky patterns that Cameron gets sketchy about. Carson holds up a shirt and asks Cameron to read the label to him. Cameron says, “That’s Arabic for Do Not Wear.” Ha! Ha! Ha! More comedy! I’m loving it! Carson tells the brothers to get undressed. They want to go into the dressing room. He makes them drop trow in the store. Finally, he’s gotten them down to their skivvies. Carson tells one of them that he needs to buy new underwear that actually fits. He puts Cameron in a t-shirt with a shirt over. He zhushes. Jai puts another guy in a similar outfit. The boy with the big underwear winds up in the shirt Cameron said looked like the dress his mother wore. Then Carson makes them walk with attitude, similar to the walk in the Queer Eye opening credits. Back at the house, Thom is sawing. Ted brings Cameron to a five star five diamond restaurant called The Mansion on Turtle Creek, where several more brothers are waiting. They do that obligatory shake hands even though you saw the person five minutes ago that all college guys do. Ted says, “You know those frozen pizzas you make for the girls when they come over?” Cameron says, “Oh, they serve them here?” Heehee. Cameron is funny! A really good catch. He really should be more confident. They head into the kitchen to meet the head chef who will teach them to make five star five diamond nachos. First is guacamole—avacado, tomatoes, onions. Cameron says something about Emeril and a brother says, “It’s a new show, Cooking with Cam.” Cameron chops an onion and says, “Let’s see him do that!” Lime juice and salt and chili. Tortillas made from corn, black bean, and red chili. Fry, fry, fry until there are no bubbles left. I should write a cookbook! These recipes are easy to follow, huh? Black beans, guacamole, smoked chicken, and cheese on top. MMMMMMMMMMM. Nachos. MMMMM. The chef guarantees that the girls will love it. I love it and I’m not even tasting it. Over to Texas Stadium, home of the Dallas Cowboys. Out on the football field, Kyan, in army fatigues which are down-right sexy, tells Cameron that he’s good looking but fat. Actually, he says, “you’ve got a little bit of gut here” and pats Cameron’s belly. What is it with Kyan telling people they’re fat? He did that to Kord, too. And then the guys simply agree! I would so be like, “get your hand off of me and don’t ever speak to me again.” Anyway, Kyan keeps patting Cameron—belly, shoulder, chest. And to make him feel better, he tells Cameron that he’s not the only fat one and that he’s not going to make him work out with the drill sergeant all alone. Kyan continues copping a feel, and then yells into his bullhorn for the Sigma Chis to come on down. Lots of frat boys run down the stadium stairs. They all line up and Kyan gets all “I’m in charge because I have the bullhorn” and makes them do push-ups. He so cannot intimidate but they play along. The actual drill sergeant is even worse than Kyan. He sort of whispers, “Get it. Get it. Push. Push.” He’d make a good birthing coach. Then Kyan says if they can’t do another push-up, they need to hold the position. Seriously, they can’t even do that. They all do maybe five push-ups and collapse. Meanwhile, an entire cheerleading squad is secretly running up behind them. Kyan calls the frat boys out of shape losers in his almost-shouting voice. He tells them he’s got some help for them, though. He tells them to turn around and the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders start screaming and the frat boys clap. And who’s right smack dab in the middle of the squad? Ted. And Carson. And Thom, who’s wearing a headband 80s style. I suppose Jai is in there somewhere too. Heehee. Men with pom poms. Then Kyan introduces the whispering sergeant. He’s in charge of training the DC Cheerleaders. During the intro, Kyan feels the sergeant’s shoulder. He’s so touchy feely these days. Everyone starts running in circles to work out. Oh, there’s Jai. Ted grabs hold of Cameron and makes him wave around some pom poms while yelling, “Simmer down!” I love the ultimate control Ted has over the straight guys. Ha. Next, it’s abs and balls. Heehee. Dirty. One of the frat boys looks like he may keel over. He’s bright red and panting. Kyan does one-on-one weight training with Cameron. “Up and down, Cameron.” Whatever. Personal trainers have a “holier than thou because thou is fat” attitude and Kyan now thinks with this mentality. More push ups and jogging with the cheerleaders. Carson knees, counts, and waves his poms. Heehee. They shout at the very red frat boy, “You need to hydrate buddy!” Yeah, he may die. Then they try to shove the bullhorn up someone’s nose. Huh? Thom does summersaults down the field. A cheerleader drags Ted in the opposite direction on a scooter. Oh, the joys of a cheerleader work out. After the workout, Kyan lectures to the frat about fitness. He’s using the bullhorn still. How obnoxious. He says something about teamwork. The sorority girls interview that they wouldn’t sit down in the frat house because it’s nasty. In the SUV heading back, Kyan and Ted list all the fun things they’ve done. Food fight. Cheerleaders. Stylin. Kyan’s friend Todd Allen cut Cameron’s hair which wasn’t horrendous to begin with, which is probably why we don’t see it. They arrive at the house and Cameron almost faints. Hell, Kyan almost faints. And there’s less echo because there’s more stuff. The walls are yellow. The doors are brown. The curtains are light green. There’s blue couches and some plants too. The entertainment center is backed by brown paint too, with their Sigma Chi thingie hung above the television. Thom has included headshots of the Fab Five on the wall with the pictures of the founding fathers. Heehee. Thom installed some video games and a new soda machine. He set up the four tables that the boys made as well as set up some orange and gold ottomans for more seating. The bathroom is now white with a beige rug. And it’s clean, which is key. The toiletry closet is now stocked. Thom got them brown towels with Sigma Chi kind of engraved into them. I know, you can’t engrave terry cloth but that’s the only way to describe it. Oh, and Thom included a pin up with Jai’s head. Heehee! The rest of the brothers file in, holding their hands over each other’s eyes. Someone yells out that it smells good. Heehee. They all look and start shouting and clapping and smiling and shaking each other’s hands. They love that it doesn’t echo and then scream a bit to make sure it doesn’t echo. Carson finds Giggles and makes him giggle some more. Then they all gather round the living room and Thom welcomes them to their new home. He lectures that they need to take care of the house and continues to refer to the house as “Her.” Okay then. Ooh, the furniture is Todd Oldham. Love his line. Thom continues to explain the versatility of the tables. Thom then assigns the brothers to build more tables before the party starts. Kyan assembles a group in the bathroom. He gives them kits of grooming tools. He tells them all to wear flip-flops in the shower so they don’t infect each other with athlete’s foot. “Like a condom for your feet.” Heehee. Then he goes on to the importance of manscaping. The boys take their shirts off. Kyan inspects their body hair. He shows them new clippers and accessories. What fun. He then pulls Cameron over and points out that he has a monobrow. I call it a unibrow as does the rest of the world, but Kyan needs to be different and mean. He shows Cameron how to pluck with tweezers. Heehee. Now he knows the pain felt by women. Before they go off to the kitchen, Kyan says, “We have to clean up our messes” because they’re all four and need to put their toys away. In the kitchen, Ted gives out some aprons and talks about dipping sauces and puff pastries and sausage and triangles. Sophistocated pigs in a blanket. Cameron confesses that they used to use dirty t-shirts to get hot stuff out of the oven because they never had oven mits. Carson calls everyone into the living room for the best part of fraternity life: fashion shows! In the bathroom, Cameron and another brother talk about how black is slimming. Heehee. I don’t think they realize that they’re on camera at the moment. Funny! The brothers chant “Cameron! Cameron! Cameron!” Instead, a guy with curly hair comes out. Then the other guy in black comes out. Finally, Cameron comes out dressed in a suit with a mauve striped shirt and sunglasses. Next, jeans, t-shirt, button down, and the same jacket. Carson asks, “Wouldn’t it be fun if we all got in new outfits?” and then rolls out racks of clothing for the brothers to choose from for the party. Everyone shouts and cheers because they wouldn’t be a fraternity if they didn’t. Carson has also bought them all underwear. Because they need it. Thom lets Cameron in on a “cool surprise.” He asks Cameron if he’s seen “Animal House” and if he knows who Otis Day is. No way! Tell me Otis Day is gonna be there! Cut to Carson telling yet another brother to take his shirt off. When Carson tries to help, the brother says, “I know how to do it!” Heeheeeee. Yup, Otis Day is coming to the party. Whoo-hoo! Cameron thanks the Fab Five on behalf of himself and the brothers. Then he says, “I knew no gay people and all the stereotypes that I hear people say and the ones that I used to think are just shattered. You guys are the most chill, helpful, courteous people that I’ve met in a long time.” Carson interrupts, “Don’t forget masculine” and everyone laughs. Cameron continues, “I didn’t have the grace and confidence but just hearing you guys tell me, ‘no, that’s gonna look good on you’. People that know what they’re doing. It’s just a blessing. And the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders were nice, too.” And that’s what make-overs are all about. Cameron promises to kick ass at rush and then they do their chanting ritual again. The FF leave and Carson tries to take Giggles with them. Heeeee. Hip Tip: Kyan says to use a whisking brush to put on shaving cream to lift the whiskers on you face. Seeing as how I know nothing about that, I’ll take his word for it. The sorority girls interview that the Sigma Chis are great guys and they have so much love for their fraternity and its rituals. Such as the whole shouting thing. Over at the Critic Couch, Thom, Kyan, and Jai line dance in. They watch as Cameron climbs over the furniture. Carson says, “They’ve had that couch for ten minutes and they’re already standing on it.” Cameron gives the brothers a pep talk and a list of things that need to get done for the party. He delegates. Brothers dress each other. Thom asks, “Omigod, did we turn them into sorority sisters?” Heehee. Cameron pulls them away from the clothes to build the tables. Some more guys cook. Cameron tells the table builders, “Don’t go for perfection.” Thom says, “There’s my quality control inspector.” Ha! Cameron’s obviously feeling the time crunch. Ted points out that Tyler is still looking at all the clothes. Metrosexual! So many others are still shopping too. In the kitchen, boys are singing about Sigma Chi. Over in the bathroom, brothers brush their teeth. Wash their faces. Get undressed to reveal tighty whities. Jai keels over and Kyan fans him on the couch. Vacuuming. Tweezing. Kyan is impressed and calls Tyler the Kyan in training. Carson loves how they’re grooming. In the living room, some brothers throw ottomans all over, prompting Thom to reprimand, “Go easy on the new furniture.” More moving. More grooming. Cut to the bathroom with Tyler there again. Thom says, “Tyler’s just waiting in the closet to be like ‘hi! Need help grooming?’” Heehee. So true. Then they FF jump with joy because the brothers are zhushing each other. Cameron is a speed shaver! Kyan and Jai are disappointed. Cameron says he’s cut himself. Kyan sneers, “No shit you cut yourself. You were shaving like a maniac.” No sympathy at all! A knock at the door and it’s the sorority girls! They cheer and whooooo at the brand new boys. Hugs and kisses and amazement. Kyan says they’re all cute and Carson says they’re gorgeous. Cameron takes over and directs people to food and drinks. The girls are impressed and call Cameron hot. Carson wishes he would take off his sunglasses because he’s indoors. Um, Jai was wearing sunglasses in the bathroom at the beginning of the episode so he set the bad example there. A band sets up. Cameron tells some girls that they’re gorgeous. Carson calls him the ladies’ man now. Thom comments, “Tyler’s like, ‘Hi, I love your shoes.’” Heehee. Then a brother walks by with a t-shirt over a button down with a tie over it all. Jai points it out to Carson who says, “He’s a little over-styled. Ben looks like an extra from “Out” magazine.” Ha. Cameron then finds himself between a gaggle of girls on the couch. The band starts playing and the girls dance. Carson loves the guitar player. Ted loves Cameron’s dancing. Cameron then announces Otis Day! Out comes Otis. The crowd goes wild. Jai and Carson get their groove on, too. Thom and Ted and Kyan join in at the little bit softer now part. Carson says, “If I get lower, I’ll have to go downstairs.” Heehee. Everyone jumps and sings Hey hey hey. Cameron crowd surfs. It’s madness! It’s fun! It’s fraternity heaven! They all bow in that “we’re not worthy” way. Cameron thanks the Fab Five again. Everyone cheers. The FF shine on the Critic Couch. Cameron wants to be the best fraternity on campus forever. Hooray. Kyan loves Cameron’s leadership. Ted calls it brothers grooming brothers. They cheer to Sigma Chi in that chanting fraternity way. A sloppy frat boy to a fraternity king—what a rush. No tips this week as the Fab Five are recovering from food fights and jet lag. Email me: Christina@realityshack.com How far is too far when it comes to manscaping?

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