Hoses and Poles and Sandi, Oh My: Queer Eye For The Straight Girl Episode 1.10by Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl
Sandi is a firefighter who works with 30 men. Wow. A few years ago, this is what I would have thought heaven was. Let’s just say I had a slight obsession with firemen. (Yes, firemen. Not women. Hence, my use of the politically incorrect term. It’s not incorrect when you’re talking about just the one gender.) As in, I dated some of them. And I may have made out with a few between the ones I dated. Maybe like six. And of those six, maybe three were from the same firehouse. Perhaps. Oh, come on! We all have our weaknesses and I was young and stupid. But back to Sandi.
She can’t cook. Cooking is key when you’re a firefighter because you need to cook for everyone else in the firehouse when you do overnights. God, why do I know this stuff? Seriously, I could go on and on about terminology and secret handshakes. I’m so pathetic. It’s all so wrong. But back to Sandi, again. Danny says her cooking sucks.
Sandi is dating a firefighter from a different house. She used to dress like a girly girl but now she dresses like one of the guys. Speaking of dress, Honey is wearing a hot top! It’s a camouflage halter. Love it!
Robbie says that the mission is to go from fashion burn out to burning siren.
Credits. This song is really groovy.
The Gal Pals arrive at Sandi’s house. Not the fire house, but her house house. She has her blonde hair in a low pony tail and wears a basic white tee and comfy black pants. The house has hard wood floors, white and beige walls, and a turquoise couch with elk pillows. Sandi says that her boyfriend firefighter Glen got them for her. Robbie says, “Nothing says romantic like an elk pillow.”
Honey puts on Sandi’s fire helmet and says, “I always wanted to be a firefighter.” The hat is bigger than Honey’s whole body.
Damon picks up a doll that’s lying around the living room. He says, “This is some décor element: a fireman bobble head doll.”
Danny goes into the fridge and suggests that she can’t clean either. He opens a bin and there’s brown crusty crud on the bottom of it.
Damon then says that Sandi should put some color into her house. “What’s your favorite color? And don’t say white or beige.” Heehee.
Then they go through the closet and find some black leather studded tie-shirt thing. Robbie puts it on and says it would get the guys at the firehouse going. Sandi says, “They will never see that in the firehouse.” She points out that the tag is still on it and she doesn’t plan on wearing it.
They find some of her shoes which are all broke down. She has slides and says that she likes them because they slip on and off like her fire uniform. Robbie says, “Like my underwear.” Ha!
Then out comes Danny with a long blonde Bo Peep curly wig, cowgirl hat, and a belly shirt. God, he looks good in that! That’s so wrong yet I can’t look away. He asks when the occasion to wear that outfit would be. Sandi can’t come up with an answer. Ha! I think Danny should wear that all the time. Check out those abs!
In the bedroom, Sandi has some exercise equipment. Danny runs his finger over it and dust flies off. He guesses that she doesn’t use it much. Actually, I use my treadmill quite a bit and it still collects dust. I have no idea why.
Sandi owns horses. She says, “These are my kids.” They’re right outside her back door. That must be smelly. Honey says that Sandi must have been confused growing up and then switches from fire helmet to cowboy hat. “I want to be a firefighter. I want to be a cowgirl.” Heehee. Apparently, Sandi chose both.
Sandi’s boyfriend tells Honey that she doesn’t cook very well. Apparently, he’s lost weight because she doesn’t cook. Hey, he’s a firefighter. He should be able to cook, too.
Off to the firehouse! I’m way too excited about this.
Handshakes all over. Honey looks at the fire engine and says, “Ooh, it’s so shiny.” Then she makes some men and direction jokes. Danny wants to see the hose. Heehee. He’s dirty. Then he finds the kitchen and goes crazy over the spice cabinet. All the guys give her a thumbs down on her meatloaf, which is the only dish she makes.
They go to the laundry room. One of the firefighters says that the machines are currently broken because they use them so much.
Over to the bathroom. Honey finds a bottle of shampoo that’s about a gallon. It has a pump on top and it’s hanging from a rope as if someone would steal it. How bizarre.
Then they go to the gym/lounge. Danny suggests that they need new equipment. So judgmental.
In the bedroom area, Robbie plucks at a comforter and says that his nephew has the same one. The other beds have orange-yellow comforters. The space is very empty. It should be homier.
Sandi says, “Let’s go over to the pole.” The boys get very excited! Damon, Danny, and Honey all slide down. The pole is very squeaky. Robbie dances around the pole for a bit. He looks as if he’s going to pee in his pants. He decides to take the stairs. Honey says that she’s still trying to convince him to sky dive. Ummm, I think that would be a different category. There’s no free fall involved with the fire pole.
Sandi starts to follow Robbie out the door and then says, “No, I’m taking the pole,” and slides down. Heehee. Then she gives the GP a lesson on how to get into gear really quickly. She does it in about three seconds. The GP take a bit longer. They fumble with the gear because it’s so heavy. Honey says that she could pick up so many women in West Hollywood by wearing it.
Sandi takes them for a ride in the truck. She’s going to be an official driver soon. She tells Danny that he doesn’t need the helmet on in the truck. Damon says, “Once again, Danny over-accessorizes.” Ha!
Glen interviews that they’ve cooked maybe ten times in a year and a half.
In the SUV, Robbie and Damon talk to Sandi about how it’s her five year anniversary in the firehouse. They’re going to have a dinner in her honor and she’s cooking it.
HUNKY HELPER ALERT! They roll up some carpet. They take things out of the room. Sigh.
Damon says that he wants to work on her house first. They go to Mitchell Gold. He shows her Asian inspired coffee tables. She says, “Negative.” He says, “Moving on.”
Obligatory chair sitting. He shows her a chair that’s substantial for a man because she has a lot of men over. Robbie jokes, “It’s like a revolving door of men.” Damon says that he means the firefighters. Heeheee.
Damon shows her a chocolate brown bed with cream pillows and white linen. She likes it. He picks out more stuff for her while Robbie takes her away to Danny.
He meets her at The Palm which is an awesome looking restaurant. There are large supercomic book drawings on the walls. Neat-o. Danny introduces her to the head chef for a private cooking lesson. She’ll be cooking her anniversary dinner for the firehouse. He shows her how to cut tomatoes with a really sharp knife to make mozzarella and tomatoes. Mmmmm.
Danny then starts babbling about protein and grams and fiber. Very boring. I think he may be trading notes on how to bore people with Kyan. I’m still reeling from Kyan’s cucumber conversation. This mini-lesson of Danny’s is running a close second. They cook meat on the grill. Then the chef teaches Sandi that to tell if it’s ready, grab Danny’s wrist. What? I don’t understand this demonstration other than it shows how Danny is a limp wrist, reminding me that I will never have him for my very own. Sandi grabs a last piece of meat for the road.
She meets Honey at the Bar Method. But it should be Barre because they’re doing ballet. Oh! Danny is in tight pants. The instructor says, “Danny has perfect form. Show off.” Honey says, “I’m feeling this already.” Heehee. Danny talks about working the core. Stop lecturing, Danny. The three of them squat and bend and plie. And done!
Over to John Frida. Sandi asks, “Why are all the guys in purples and pinks and I’m in black and white?” Ha! The stylist says that her fringe makes her look like a little girl. She agrees. He makes her change because apparently you can’t wear a shirt when demanding stylists cut your hair. He gives her a floofier cut that’s layered and moves more.
Sandi’s friends interview that her house needs lots of work.
In the SUV, Sandi says she fears that her walls will be pink. She walks in and says, “Oh, you had me scared but I love it.” But she’s not screaming and jumping. The walls are sage. The couch is white. The chair is black. There’s a painting/computer generated photo of her horse over the fireplace. The coffee table is black. The dining table is black. There’s more brown artwork on the wall. It’s all very Zen even though she didn’t like the Asian coffee table in the store.
Her bedroom? Is pink. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! She likes the pink with the brown. She likes her bed, which has a striped white and pink comforter. The pink is very Pepto. I don’t like it either, Sandi.
Fashion Show Time. Robbie bought her clothes and she tries them on. Jeans, a white tank, brown leather jacket, and pointy brown shoes. Next, a pair of shiny slacks, a blue lingerie top with chocolate lace, and a velvet blazer. Damon yells, “You have a very nice ass!” Sandi comes out in a little black dress but stands kinda manishly in the heels for a moment. They love it.
Out to the garden for an herb lesson. Or, as Danny says, Herbs, and prounounces the H. Heehee. Love him. He holds up two gloves to Sandi. “Do you want gay or gayer?” She chooses the gay gloves. They pot plants. They fertilize. She asks, “Are you scared to get a little fertilizer on your hands?” He says the gloves are so your hands don’t dry out. Danny takes the basil with them in the SUV.
Damon says, “You smell good, Dan. You smell like horse, ass, and basil.” HA! Now that’s comedy.
They meet back up at the firehouse. The GP give them new machines for laundry and new gym equipment. Sandi yells, “Do you guys love me or what?” The firefighters clap.
Finally, they go into the bathroom area. Sandi says, “I’m so glad it’s not pink! I’m sorry I doubted you.” Damon says, “I am too.” He wanted to create a spa. It does look like a spa. There are dark bamboo drawers and some plants and frosted shower doors. Very cool. Very Zen again. I want my bathroom to look like that. Instead of have sponged frogs and starfish on my walls courtesy of my brother’s excellent painting skills. Don’t get me wrong—I love the frogs. But if I had the choice between the sponging and Damon’s design, I’d go for the Zen.
Honey then gives Sandi lip plumper because she deserves to be pampered. Okay then.
Back into the kitchen. Danny gives her The Palm cookbook. Sandi finds black pepper and wonders why it’s there because she didn’t use it before. Danny rolls his eyes. Sandi panics some more.
Over in the truck room, Danny says, “With everything we’ve done today, there’s still no telling you how grateful we are.” He gets all teary as he usually does. Sandi quickly reprimands, “There’s no crying in the fire station!” Hugs all around. I’m so loving Honey’s shirt.
Hip Tip: Grill fruit. It carmelizes. Yum. Danny and caramel. Yummier.
Sandi’s co-worker says you’ve got to be tough and have thick skin in a fire station.
Danny calls, “It’s happy hour at the esquire house!” No critic couch. It’s a critic counter. They pull up stools and martinis. What the hell is the esquire house?
Sandi tries to convince her co-workers that she’s going to make a good meal. All the guys gather around the kitchen to watch her. They ask if there will be appetizers. She says, “yes. And I’ll be serving them on a silver platter.” Heehee. They won’t leave. She threatens to carry them out. Robbie says, “I’d like to see that.”
Sandi leaves to get dressed. Some co-workers come in and replace her basil plant with geranium. Danny freaks, “I planted those!” Heeheeheee. Then they change the recipe cards.
Sandi showers. Honey loves it! Because she’s the lesbian! And she’s supposed to like it when straight girls get naked! Sandi goes through her Gal Pal kit and puts on some make-up. They say she looks really good. She does.
Meanwhile, her co-workers yell, “This meal must be catered because there’s nothing going on in the kitchen!” They sit around the empty kitchen and wait.
Sandi puts on jeans, pointy shoes, and a flowy tank top. It’s exactly what Robbie wanted her to wear. She goes into the kitchen and then searches for her real recipe cards. She realizes that it’s 5:30 and says it’s bad time management. Danny agrees.
Sandi then gets on the speaker and asks for her basil plant back. Danny says, “I was worried she wasn’t going to notice.” She then goes into the truck bay and demands her basil and tomatoes. One of the guys says, “Oh, she’s hot.” They come into the kitchen and give her the stuff back.
Glen the boyfriend shows up and hugs her and kisses her and so tries to cop a feel. She begs for help and he says, “I’ll help you.” She “oh jeezes” at the hot water. Hot water isn’t hard. She goes into the freezer and finds out that they froze her cookbook in ice. Damon calls it clever. Danny says, “I’ve got another word for it and it’s not clever.” Honey says, “At least they put it in a plastic bag first.” That’s nice. Heehee. I love the firehouse practical jokes. I’m a loser.
Sandi’s friend shows up and she helps too. Sandi has inadvertantly kept the stickers on some of the tomatoes she’s cut. Robbie says, “I call that roughage.” Sandi then takes off the heels and puts on her firefighting boots. Robbie faints. He won’t look until she changes back. Honey says, “Come on. Have you ever tried to cook in spikes?” Danny says yes. Heehee.
Sandi then starts ordering people to cook the meat on the barbeque because she’s now running behind. She’s behind schedule because of them anyway so they should help.
The guys finish the meat. Robbie says, “The meat does look tasty.” Danny says, “And so does the steak.” Ha.
More of the guys pitch in. Sandi continues to cook with her friend and Glen. Danny says, “This is the most feminine I’ve seen her.” That’s a compliment, I assume.
Sandi yells, “Come and get it!” She’s still wearing the big boots. She points at the food and tells them to eat. They start chowing down and they nod in approval. Some guy comes in with dessert, a fire truck cake. They give her dinner a ten. Some guy walks in with a gift for the fire station.
The card is from the Gal Pals saying that they noticed they needed something more. They open the box and it’s a Dell computer!
One of the guys leads a round of applause for her and her cooking. Sandi thanks them for being cooperative during the day and for not harassing her too bad. She says it’s not easy for a woman to hang out with them all the time but she appreciates that they make her fit in. Then she starts eating again.
The fire alarm sounds! She throws her designer boots away and climbs into the truck. Robbie says, “So much for that top.”
The GP clap around the Critic Counter and toast to their hero.
Robbie says use hair care with SPF 15.
Damon says to premeasure doors and stairways to make sure furniture fits.
Danny says to marinate in limes.
Honey says to clean make up brushes with warm water.
From tomboy firefighter to sassy firewoman—Tally-ho, Sandi!
Email me: Christina@realityshack.com Is it wrong to love a firefighter? Is it? Is it?
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