| Deena's Pre-Natal Tea Party: Queer Eye for the Straight Girl Episode 1.9 |
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| Posted on Wed 16 Mar 2005 (1336 reads) |
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-- Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl It’s a new kind of straight girl tonight—the pregnant kind. Deena is a personal trainer and a singer and is six months pregnant. Robbie says she’s “got quite a gut on her.” Heehee. She’s not prepared for the baby and she thinks she’s going straight back to work right after the birth. Their mission: to have a baby shower/tea party! Credits. Why does Robbie look 10 years older here? The Gal Pals arrive at Deena’s house. Honey says it’s “so cuuuute.” Deena’s in maternity wear. I mean, seriously, who can make fun of a pregnant woman? She could be dressed in orange velvet with lace trim and a tutu and no one would say it’s unfashionable. She’s got blonde, curly hair piled on top of her head in a ponytail. BabyDelilah kicks and dances. The house is also pretty un-make-fun-able. The walls are white. She has an organized desk, some clutter on the floor along the walls, and a pretty nice living room with hard wood flooring. The kitchen is bleached white. It’s all nice. Danny says that they had a bet that she had fake flowers. He holds up a fake flower. Hee. Except for the nursery… Robbie walks in: “This is the nursery?” The walls are a peachy-orange. A faded off-white carpet is on the floor. And it’s filled with a desk and recording equipment. It’s actually not a nursery at all. In the living room, Danny yells, “What is it with every straight girl has an organ?” Heehee. Danny said organ. I’m so twelve. Deena giggles and explains that she writes songs. She wrote “Lullaby for Delilah” for her daughter. In the non-nursery, Robbie and Damon pick and prod things. Damon lifts the blue gingham curtains and says it’s “frightening.” Honey feels Deena’s abdomen to see if the baby kicks. Because that’s what pregnant women do. They let people touch them. Back in the non-nursery, Danny finds out that Deena’s been married a little over a year. And then he drags out a box and starts pulling things apart. Deena’s friends says, “Deena’s gonna kill you.” Pregnant Woman Bludgeons Bald Gay Man in her Future Daughter’s Nursery. Details at ten. Now Robbie and Damon have their hands all over Deena’s tummy. Robbie puts his ear to her belly button. “I hear a heartbeat.” Deena laughs, “That would be mine.” Danny finds unwrapped wedding gifts in the box he pulled out. I think he means wrapped. Deena’s friend hopes to not find hers in there. Honey is now in the middle of a biology lesson. She, Deena, and Damon read through a book which I assume is about pregnancy because they talk about spinal cords and placentas. Damon says, “They make skin care products out of placenta.” So not the way to defuse an uncomfortable situation. Not human placenta, Damon. Then Honey snoops through photo albums and finds pictures of the wedding. She aws over Deena’s husband, Jerry. In a narrow hallway, Robbie screams, “Gal Pals! Come quick! Hurry Gal Pals!” They swarm and find him wearing a gold silky jacket. Then he says something like, “Gal Pals activate” while Danny says, “I’m back in the closet!” Deena omigods and puts her hands to her head. Robbie and Danny dance in the living room in Deena’s shiny shirts. Deena’s friend holds up her drink and eggs them on, grooving along to the tune. Is she Deena’s entertainment sidekick? Like Ed McMahon? Damon wants to take the synthesizers out of the nursery. Why??? He says that he needs to put storage into the room for the diapers and baby things. Honey then makes a meal for the boys: ice cream and pickles. Then Danny licks something. Geez, I need a moment. Yum. Honey finds things that vibrate in the bathroom. Vrrooom. Deena explains her day to Danny. It starts at 5 A M and then she goes goes goes. Danny tells her that she’s going to need to take time off. Robbie starts boiling sheets in the non-nursery. Just in case. Danny finds three toys. “That’s not going to get you by.” Robbie has a coronary when he finds out she’s going to wear shirts that say “baby” on them. Damon rips down curtains because he needs some light. Then he growls at some boxes. Honey then retells the tale of her natural child birth. She says there’s no pain because there’s pressure. What? Danny then talks to the friend and nominates her “team leader” for the surprise baby shower. Who is this friend? Where did she come from? Does she have a name? Deena tells Honey that her body is changing rapidly. Her nails and hair grow profusely. Her skin is dry. The baby takes takes takes. Deena’s friend tells Danny that Jerry and Deena are cute together. Then he tries on Jerry’s thong. At least, the friend says it’s Jerry’s thong. Why would she know that? Is she a special friend? It may actually be Deena’s thong. Either way, Danny still wears it because it matches his outfit. Honey wields a flat iron while explaining the ins and outs of stretch marks. She tells Deena to give herself lots of attention. She’s going to try natural child birth. Robbie says, “you’re going to be like, no! give me drugs!” Finally the GP send Deena’s friend away. Danny stage whispers, “Remember you’re the point person.” She looks like Chaka Khan. Out of the closet, everyone gathers round the counter that separates the living room and kitchen. Honey comes in with a laptop saying that she’s found a childbirth video from babycenter.com. This spells trouble. They gather round and play it. Priceless! Robbie shrieks his usual shriek. Danny covers his mouth so hard that his hand mushes up his face. Damon does the same and then turns away from the monitor. “What is that!?” they scream. Honey backs away so they can get the full effect. Robbie says, “They’re twisting its head!” and then the guys all faint to the floor. Deena remains standing, laughing at the meek men. Damon is on the couch in the fetal position with his hands over his ears. Danny pops a Tums. Robbie sweats. Honey points out the afterbirth to make it worse. Deena sighs that it’s precious. The husband interviews that in the last few months they got married, bought a house and got pregnant. Honey talks to Delilah in the SUV while Robbie asks, “Why in God’s name do you want to do this natural?” Honey says, “that’s a man. Even if he’s gay. He can’t deal with pain.” Ha. Hunky Helpers!!! Robbie talks about the people who won’t be at Deena’s baby shower. Her best friend can’t be there because of distance. Robbie takes Deena to Liz Lang to try on sexy clothes. Robbie and Honey don maternity wear and pregnant bellies. Deena’s sexy parts are the nape of her neck and her shoulders because they don’t change. She wears a bunch of wrap shirts. A sweater with a collared shirt. A satin pink flowy tank top. A flowy strapless black dress. Robbie likens her to Sarah Jessica Parker. Then he puts some pearls around her neck and almost chokes her. She also puts on heels with fake fur which are surprisingly comfortable. Deena meets Damon at a baby furniture store. They find a changing table that is also a dresser that’s good for storage. The drawers have knobs that are grabbable. That sounds dirty. He shows her his favorite crib that has a mattress that lowers and traps the baby inside. It then converts into a toddler bed. She loves it all. Over to The W to meet Honey. They sit poolside and get massages. Mario the Masseuse is doing some foot reflexology thing for Deena’s back. Then some guy feeds them grapes. Honey says, “I just might go straight. I have never had a man feed me a grape ever.” Neither have I. I’m posting a sign up sheet on my front door. Honey repeats that Deena needs to take time to herself and to prepare. She says that her daughter was a life changing experience and it’s a testament for pursuing what you really want to do. Honey, ChakaKhan, and another friend who is Deena’s best friend who Deena thought couldn’t make it meet up with Danny at the Juvenile Shop, which is the perfect place for Danny. He’s wearing a baby carrier with a bunny in it and asks Honey for a breast pump. Best friend and Honey find one. Danny shows Chaka a stroller that looks more like a lawn mower. He calls it, “The SUV of strollers.” Honey then finds a diaper genie that Best Friend says “makes poopie sausage.” That’s gross. So gross. Danny then shows Chaka an adjustable high chair. That seems collapsible. But he says he has a friend who’s had one for twenty years. That’s durable, I suppose. The friend interviews that the house is not ready for a baby. The friend calls it typical Deena. In the SUV, Deena’s hair has been done and was dyed which is okay in the first trimester. It’s straighter and she looks like Marg Helgenberger. The Hunky Helpers leave. Sigh. Deena says, “I’m knocking on my own door. That’s weird.” Then, “Omigod!” She’s all breathy. The wall trim is earthy tones and Deena leaps with joy because she has a table. Damon says that they decorated around the great architecture. They have a wooden entertainment center. Then the nursery. Lavender-blue. Fabric on the ceiling with a chandelier. Crib. Lavender sea grass wallpaper behind the crib. A vase with sunflowers. Danny calls it “Cinderella’s room.” The closet is organized and stocked with creams and blankets and containers. Danny tells Robbie, “Jump up. I want to change you.” Robbie says, “This is oddly kinky” as he hops up on the changing table. Danny corners Deena in the living room and talks to her about life changes. She doesn’t cry though. He hasn’t broken her! Damon and Danny arrive at Betsy’s house. AKA, Chaka Khan’s house. She finally has a name. They drop off some stuff. Danny shows her and Best Friend of Deena how to make scones for the tea party. Flour, baking power and soda, nutmeg, salt, raisins, sugar, butter, buttermilk, and yolks. Then he molds them so the will rise up instead of wide so he can jam cream inside. That sounds dirty, too. Heehee!!! As much as I love Danny, he needs to button up one button when cooking. Meanwhile, Honey shows Deena how to create a time capsule for the baby. She gives her a fireproof box to put stuff in. Then she gives her a video camera to make a tape for Delilah. Is Deena dying? Because this is turning into the storyline of that Michael Keaton movie. Damon is outside with Best Friend and Betsey. He loves the lawn. He makes grandiose arm movements because he’s in his element as an event planner. He gives a bunch of directions about renting stuff, flowers, and rental people and how to give directions to the people with the rental stuff. It’s all in rapid fire. He’s a drill sergeant! In the kitchen, the scones are done. Damon tries to get Danny to leave. He says, “I don’t want to leave! I’m having afternoon tea!” Finally, the GP arrive back in the living room of Deena. Honey gives her a Kate Spade diaper bag. Robbie points, “That’s a bottle for baby and a bottle for you.” Deena says, “I’m never going to forget this for my whole life.” She reads the card they have given her. She still hasn’t cried. I love this woman! Don’t give in! Okay, I just noticed the large cross Danny is wearing. What’s going on with his wardrobe today? Kisses, hugs, and they leave her. Hip Tip: Damon says to use anti-static cling spray on furniture to clean up animal hair. The Best Friend interviews that Deena “has no idea that I will be at her shower. I convinced her I was a total letdown.” Because the best way to make people happy is to make them miserable first. Over to the Critic Couch with tea instead of booze. Deena goes through lots of baby stuff and stocks the drawers. Danny’s says, “She’s like I haven’t got a clue what it is, but I think it goes in the drawer.” Heehee. That’s so me. Deena then records her lullaby into the video camera in the rocking chair. Danny and Robbie embrace and smile these goofy smiles. There are palm trees swaying in the room with the Critic Couch. It’s all very soothing. Damon says, “I wish my mom would have sung to me.” Honey says, “I wish my mom would have breast fed me.” Robbie rings in, “me too.” Deena showers. Then Danny says, “Of course we start with pearls, before we have an outfit.” Then the string breaks and pearls go flying. Deena shakes out her robe and out fall more. She puts on the strapless dress. Honey says, “And who says a pregnant woman can’t wear heels?” Jerry comes home and starts crying. Is he more impressed with his wife, his home, or his entertainment center. He says the room is “so warm. How come we couldn’t do this?” He keeps covering his mouth in disbelief. Deena brings him into the nursery and he laughs in amazement. He cries more. She points out a basket that they can put the baby in. Damon says, “Then they send it down the L. A. river.” Heehee. Then she shows him the closet. He wows even more. They kiss on the rocking chair. Robbie says, “It’s a baby room! Not a brothel!” Over to Betsy and Best Friend giving orders to rental people. Rosanne! That’s the best friend’s name. She’s in the kitchen making scones like, as Danny says, Betty Crocker. He then pushes Robbie off the couch. Scott comes in and asks to squeeze in. Who is this tall, strapping man? I believe one of the rental people. Who cares? He’s a looker. Robbie coughs, “Scott I love you!” Robbie says it’s really amazing how all her friends are pulling together to make this happen. “And when I say all of her friends I mean Rosanne.” Heehee. Because Rosanne is doing EVERYTHING in the kitchen. The woman just got off a plane a few hours ago! The backyard is set up in shades of purple. Damon says, “I don’t like the teepee things they’re doing with the napkins. That’s a little steakhouse-ish, but that’s okay.” Deena arrives with Jerry. Everyone yells surprise. Honey says, “She’s glowing!” Deena hugs everyone. Everyone touches her belly and points at her breasts. They love her shoes. Then Rosanne comes out and Deena screams and hugs her. She jumps. Robbie and Danny yell, “Stop jumping!” They fear labor. Out comes the food. Danny is horrified because there’s no clotted cream and the scones are overcooked. Deena likes them though. Rosanne gives a toast on the verge of crying. She says that it’s a magical beginning.” Then, “Let’s raise our glasses to the journey.” Honey is happy they got her at six months so she can embrace the rest of her pregnancy. Danny says she now looks amazing. They toast. Cheers. Three months later, Deena has Baby D in the rocking chair. She thanks the GP for everything and makes Baby D wave. This week’s tips: None. Because Baby D took up all the time. GP, high tea, and Baby D, a make-over tea party that’s better than Alice in Wonderland. Email me: Christina@realityshack.com Would you use placenta on your face? |
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