Kord--The Making of A Commentator: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy Episode 3.9
Posted on Tue 15 Mar 2005 (1184 reads)
--Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl Queer feet head towards the SUV. Kord is a 32 year old guy who wants to be a sportscaster on television. What kind of a name is Kord? He lives with his girlfriend Marina, who nursed him back to health after he had a major injury. Apparently, he’s a bit out of shape and has a 38 inch waste. Carson passes out in the passenger seat and Thom rubs him, “Calm down, pumpkin, it’s okay.” Also, Kord has been “hunting for this Portuguese sausage.” Carson says, “Me too!” Heehee. He’s going to be on air and they need to make him look as good as possible because, as Kyan points out, “he’s not going to lose twenty pounds” in a day. Thanks, MOTO. The mission: make the armchair athlete step up to the plate or take him from cameraman to sportscaster. Or just give him a name that’s not Kord. Usually, I like unique names, but for some reason, I’m irked. Credits. I looked up Gay Street on the map. Surprisingly, it doesn’t intersect with a Straight Street anywhere. The Fab Five arrive at Kord’s walk-up, which they refer to as “the cardio workout from Hell” while Ted wonders, “Where’s the elevator?” Korderoy is a bit pudgy but huggable, dressed in a baseball cap, t-shirt and jeans. He definitely has a face for television. His place? Disaster it is! Kord’s place has white and light blue walls with hard wood floors and a futon in the living room which the guys despise but I love because I have a futon in MY living room so there. The guys start their introductions by poking and prodding Kordelia in the stomach, reminiscent of those Pillsbury Doughboy ads. Kordina doesn’t giggle as the Doughboy did. In the kitchen that has the same cupboards in my parents’ house, Kyan and Ted inspect an open box of pizza. Kyan says, “It looks like it’s aged a little bit.” Ted avers, “I’d say about four days.” So scientific. PhoneKord tells Carson that the living room is a collaboration of what’s his and what’s Marina’s. Back in the kitchen, Kyan is waving around a lid to a now-open bowl of pasta. The pasta could double for glue. “Whooo-hooo, that’s a nice smell!” Ted is gagging. Over the counter in the living room, Kordless tells Carson that he’s from “the island of Nantucket.” I feel a limerick coming on. Carson notes that Kerd’s not wearing whale pants. What? Apparently, I’m not up on my Nantucket humor. Meanwhile, Thom’s in the bedroom. He pulls something out of the night table, says “ew” and throws it. Ted, who is in a questionable Hawaiian shirt (did he steal it from John D. last week?), finds a book about sportscasters laying around. K-Mart-ord is studying up. Enter Thom. “I have a question.” And he holds up a string of metal balls. The FF all go, “oh, ooh, oh” in unison. Carson and Kwikimartord cover their mouths all daintily, as if KordakCamera has been caught with a secret sex weapon. Kyan berates him, “What are these for? What are these for?” Kitt denies ever having seen them. Jai and Ted are in the kitchen. Jai points to a hanging basket of fruit. “Ted, something’s dying.” He pokes at the fruit. Ew. Next, Thom has found those clippie things dentists use to keep your bib on. He clips one on Carson’s nipple. Then Kelp has on a leash and collar and Carson’s nipples bleed. What kind of make-over show is this? Back in the kitchen, Jai tips the hanging basket and a green thing falls out. It splatters on the floor. Fruit shouldn’t splatter like that ever. Jai frets, “My pants. I’ve ruined my pants.” Sure enough, there’s a big wet stain on his ankle. Ted says, “I’m seriously gonna hurl.” Lovely. Carson has found the clothes. He tells Krod, “A sporting goods store threw up in your closet.” And Ted’s throwing up in the kitchen, so all is right with the world. Kard owns lots of tees. Meanwhile, Jai is whipping Thom’s ass in the living room with the collar leash thing. I guess he’s recovered from ruining his pants. Ted asks Kennedy why he owns a cane. Karma shows Ted a scar on his leg. He had torn his Achilles tendon. Omigod! That skeeves me. By the way, they’re standing in front of a dresser that has no drawers. In the living room, Kyan is pretending to give Jai a haircut while Jai speaks in a Hispanic accent. Watch it, Jai. He might break out the scissors for real. Ted wants a-Kord-ion to use the cane for a song and dance routine. I don’t think Kord-on-the-kob is big on show tunes. But he does eke out “Hello my baby, hello my dolly.” Impressive although he could have learned that from Spaceballs. Kyan and Jai are now trying on sunglasses. Jai is sticking with the Hispanic accent but I have no idea what Kyan’s attempting. It’s part Jewish grandmother and part drunken slur. Thom now holds up a bunch of videos and yells, “Mr. Stickypants!” Is that porn or cartoons? In the kitchen once again, Ted holds a NY1 microphone and mock-interviews KarateKord about the day so far. Korn says, “It’s been a whirlwind of, uh, gayness.” He nods in agreement with himself. Carson has found a sticker or something that says, “Good clothes open all doors.” Ted starts pulling on BeanKurd’s shirt and asks, “Then why are you wearing this?” Thom goes around the house and finds some things he actually likes. That’s a first. He likes bookends with elephants and an African statue. Carson likes the Kubric fabric and then makes beeping sounds at the couch. Okay, then. In the kitchen, Ted lists all the oils he sees and finds out that Marina is a good cook. Konkord goes into the whole search for Portuguese sausage and how he was brought up eating beans and sausage on Nantucket. Because that’s the staple meal there. In the bedroom, Thom and Carson overturn the mattress and boxspring to reveal a little land of shoes. Over in the bathroom, Kyan (in his white belt, a look I absolutely despise) says to Chicken Kordon Bleu, “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but you could stand to lose a few pounds.” What? WHAT? How can you not take that the wrong way? I’d rather Kyan obsess over his hair than say that. Kyan is so the last guy I went on a date with who told me I had mushy parts and he could help me work on my problem areas. Yeah, he’s an ass. KanKan explains that he’d like to lose weight but hasn’t been able to work out all that much since his injury. Apparently, the brainiac didn’t go through proper physical therapy and now has his Achilles stiffen up on him from time to time. Dumb. Meanwhile, Carson finds spiders in a pair of cute shoes. Gross. I was bitten by a spider once and the bite got infected and the infection went into my lymph system and my hand blew up like a balloon and I was on heavy medication for a week. It was pretty cool. Kurdistan tells Carson that his favorite sports are to play basketball, watch football, and attend baseball. Carson asks if he’s into synchronized swimming. He says he gave it up. Carson asks if he’s into the sport where the little Chinese girls swing ribbons around on a stick, and then swings a string of beads or pearls in front of him. Ted and KK color comment as if Carson is in the Olympics. Thom has found a giant wooden lion head door knocker. He asks, “Do you think he owns a big Irish castle somewhere in America?” Heehee. Why would anyone own that otherwise? Elsewhere, Kyan is strapping a bikini bra to Konrad. Over by the bed, Carson has handcuffed himself to the headboard. Then he panics for the keys, which no one will give him. Thom inspects KibblesNBits’ tattoo that’s right below the back of his neck. It’s a chameleon and yin-yan with a crown and five. He says it shows he can fit into any situation at any time and that he comes from Nantucket. I wouldn’t get that from the tattoo unless he tattoos those exact words right underneath it. Thom wants to know about Marina’s style. Kujo says she wants to brighten up the place. They painted the living room blue, which Thom likes. He also likes the chair she brought thought Kujo doesn’t. Kajagoogoo then explains to Jai how he practices on camera. He films games and then does commentary and tapes himself. He shows Jai the tapes, which Jai wants to take to see if he can help Kaja further his career. Because pulling strings is Jai’s new thing. Meanwhile, Carson is still handcuffed to the bed, and the guys are now putting underwear on his head. Ew. Thom shows a chair that he says is made from an outdoor table picnic cloth. Over to the now free Carson, who is wearing pants that look exactly like the fabric Thom was making fun of. Interesting. KarsonDaly says that he needs to get creative because he doesn’t have much to work with in his closet for his big night. Carson likes all of Marina’s clothes, and calls his clothes “tres tragique.” I love made-up French. Then he disapproves of the shoes as well because they make him look like “you’re out selling Bibles in the Andes.” Where does he come up with this stuff? Cut to Kyan stabbing the picnic fabric chair with a fire poker. The FF gather round to make Kordio excited and nervous because he’s going to be the on-air announcer on NY 1. Marina interviews that Kord needs a polished look. Kord’s friend interviews that his style is “New England sports grunge.” In the SUV, KK discusses how he’s excited and how he’s wanted to do this since he was 7 and in Nantucket. How many times is he going to say that? He’s nervous but “it’s about time.” Thom takes him to a furniture store that has dark stuff and also feminine stuff that tie into Nantucket and his tattoo. Obligatory sofa sitting. Kissyface doesn’t like light colors because they can get dirty. Thom suggests using a slip cover. They sit on a white couch. Then move on to chairs. The first one is black with a metal frame that Kendra says is good for playing video games. Next, they sit in chair made of cuba cloth or something to that effect. It looks like a NYC taxi cab. Kastro says he wants the more modern look and Thom agrees. Thom must be on valium because his sarcasm level is way down. Thom then makes him do impromptu sportscasting into an African statue that he’s supposed to pretend is a microphone. Why are they doing this in the middle of the store? This is stupid. He does it because he does everything he’s told. Over to the NBA Store with Jai who has a special guest. I hope it’s not a fake special guest like when Jai surprised Alex with his acting coach. Oh, wow. This is a really special guest. It’s Amaad Rashad (I know--it's spelled fo-net-ick-ly) who was hiding behind a newspaper all surprisey like. He’s been in the business forever so he gives KK some advice. Jai says that he’s already given Amaad the tape from before. Amaad thinks it’s “network quality work.” Jai is “into a little role playing.” Oh, really, now. Oh, he means make Kordy mock-interview Amaad. Kors stumbles and mumbles through the first question, but AR answers gracefully. Some more questions that are better and some more answers that would be interesting to me if I were interested in sports. Amaad is going to watch NY 1 and might give RipKord an interview if he does well. Next is Carson, carrying Kalgon on his back into a clothes store of an American designer who mixes European bold sensibility with traditional American style. Joe something. He dresses sports figures. Carson opens the dressing room door, and there’s Kyan! Carson calls Kyan’s pants “super cute,” a phrase I love. Carson says Kyan’s there “to double team” him while Kyan yells, “Take em off” and claps his hands together maniacally. Back it down, there. They put him in a dark suit with a dark purple shirt and yellow striped tie. The shirt sleeves come a bit past the jacket sleeves which is a good look. Carson makes him hold a designer shoe like a microphone and shows him just how much skin should stick out at the wrist when he’s broadcasting. Kyan suggests, “And perhaps a nice manicure, if I may say so myself.” Did anyone ask you, MOTO? You are so on the list since the whole fat comment. Hush. Next up, rain gear. Carson puts him in a black raincoat that seems oh so comfy. Kandy loves it. Carson then gives him an orange button down shirt and an off white sweater. They both are good colors for his skin tone. Carson then does his whole tucking the shirt into the pants thing. It gives a waistline. But does anyone really tuck anymore? Carson adds a tweed white jacket. It’s all very nice. Finally, a pinstripe umbrella tops off the outfit. Then Carson goes in for the kiss. “Just one little peck.” Kilo slaps him on the back. Carson rolls his eyes and then suggests they move on to hair. Instead of a salon, Kyan takes him to the hospital for physical therapy. They meet the very familiar woman in charge of physical therapy who hugs and kisses both of them. She takes his sock off and pushes his foot around. She shows him some stretches to do on his staircase. Then some balancing on the trampoline. Kyan says, “I can see you at a Gay Pride parade right now,” as Karamia marches on the bouncy surface. Then the loveable therapist bumps it up a notch by making the two K’s play catch while marching. Now that’s hard. Next, they move onto a wobbly platform that Kyan calls, “A head injury waiting to happen.” Any other episode, I would laugh. But right now? Yeah, I’m still bitter. More stretching and balancing on the tilting thing. Keebler is pumped. Now it’s Ted time in the Italian meat place. They talk to Eddie the meat man about the Portuguese sausage and Eddie can make it for him. They grind top quality meat, mix in garlic, Spanish paprika, oregano, sugar, and vinegar and water. Then they make sausage with the obligatory penis comments. The guy makes about ten feet of sausage. Kibbler says he will send some home. Ted says, “Nothing says I love you like a sausage.” Heehee. A friend interviews that he’s never seen Kord inside of a kitchen. Not even for cereal? Marina interviews that Kord needs better eating habits now that he’s not as athletic. Kyan should take tact lessons from Kord’s girlfriend. In the SUV home, Kyan asks Kordelo what he thinks of the hair. He says he likes it. Did I completely miss the haircut part? Or did I just block out Kyan’s segment because of my rage? Or did they not show the haircut? Or did he even get a haircut? Because it looks exactly the same. At home, Thom has reorganized furniture, added in the white couch, the desk and black chair, and a zebra rug. Some shelves for organization. The lion head is hanging on the wall which Carson immediately starts knocking. Thom shows how he put up curtains higher than they needed to be to make the window seem less dwarflike. The bedroom has green bedding on the bed and is neat and clean. Thom hung a black and white photo of Marina when she was little. Cute. He also set up lighted night tables. Cool. I want those. Jai the electronics fairy got KaylieJones a Mac and a camera so he can do broadcasting warm-ups as well as editing programs. Kopakabana says he’s still not nervous. Carson then goes through the wardrobe. Two sport coats and striped button downs make for many outfits. Also, Carson tells him to wear shoes with rubber soles and no socks. That makes your feet smell so badly. He likes a gray coat and orange shirt. In the kitchen, Ted shows Kiki how to make a sausage dish. Olive oil. Penis meat. Simmer. Onions. Carrots. Celery. Garlic. Soften but don’t brown. Cut up penis meat and add lentils and veggies and bay leaves and broths. Boil it. Add penis meat. And let it sit. That’s my favorite recipe of all time. Ted moves on to wine called Vino Verde, which to me means green wine, but I could be horribly wrong as my language skills are not up to par. It’s a white wine with fizz. Kyan goes over grooming. He’s bough MAC make-up which is industry standard. Concealer, foundation, and powder. He shows him how to blend and brush. Remember the neck! They all recap their directions and repeat how the night is a big night. Kaptain Kord thanks them for everything. Jai says his name is made for television and they all yell, “Kord Stanley!” I guess it is a pretty cool name, but I’m so not going back and changing all of my silly jabs at his name at this point in the game. The Fab Five leave. In the SUV, Thom tells Carson, “You put the F U in FUN!” Ha. Completely irrelevant, but funny. Hip Tip: Kyan says to do fifteen minutes of cardio to wake up in the morning and burn more calories throughout the day. Marina wants Kord to “nail it.” The guys gather round the Critic Couch and Carson says something about Courderoy. See? I’m not the only one. Jai repeats the whole audition thing one more time to get more air time. Kord’s in the kitchen chopping veggies. Ted says, “Kord actually knows how to use a knife.” Yeah, he’s really good at it. He pulls out the meat and Carson says, “Oh, my God, look at his Portuguese sausage!” Then pants a bit. Next, Kord drops trow and bends over and ew ew ew. Jai jumps out of his chair. Ted says, “The soaked boxers are kinda freaking me out.” Kord’s boxers are all sweaty and icky. Yuck. And now, we see ass. God, is this necessary? Carson calls it “a hot piece of Portuguese ham.” Kyan’s face is priceless. Next, Kord trims nosehair, which puts Kyan in his glory. Then Kord practically trims the tip of his nose off. Then, he starts putting massive amounts of product in his hair and it gets all greasy. Kyan is none too pleased. He then sprays some cologne on while doing a shoulder shimmy. Kyan says he’s trying to catch the mist. Thom thought he was going to break dance and then proceeds to do his own impression of break dance, but it’s more like a seizure. Kord gets dressed. Kyan points out, “He keeps smelling everything.” Well, so do you guys! And smelling isn’t as bad as the guy who tasted the shaving cream. Ew. Next, Kord puts on make-up. He conceals. He blends. Then Marina knocks on the door. Kyan says, “She’s so hot.” She’s got on a tight pink top that shows, well, almost all of her boobs. And she and Kord have the same haircut. Kord shows her the apartment. “You like?” he asks. “I love,” she answers. Aw. That’s cute. Thom says that they want to have sex immediately. But he says that about everybody. Marina says Kord is like Ricky Ricardo. Then they have wine and he talks about the sausage. Marina is excited. She loves the bedroom too. He tells her about Amaad Rashad. She screeches. Jai imitates her perfectly. He scoops out some stew for her and asks if she’s going to watch. Jai shouts all manly, “Whoa whoa whoa! He’s just leaving her there?” Then he goes into the bathroom to put on more make-up and she sees him and smirks in the doorway. She says, “I like the flick technique.” They’re a cute couple. The big game has finally arrived at Keyspan Park. Repeat the whole audition thing. Kord calls into the studio about what he’s going to talk about. It’s not live, Jai explains. The director and producer talk about whether or not Kord knows what he’s doing. They say that he can shoot himself because the cameraman isn’t there. The studio isn’t happy. The camera people show up. Kord then goes and annoys the team. Ted comments, “Are you the ball thrower guy?” Heehee. Love Ted. Kord continues his search for Dante Cory. Kord interviews two players, all the while Carson yells, “Kord, fix your collar!” Half his shirt collar is in his jacket, and half is out. More interviewing of more players. Contacting control room again. Kord touches up his make-up while studio anchor touches up make-up. Kord then gets all flustered all over his notes and his collar is messed up until one of the camera team people tells him to fix it. Kord practices his spiel. He’s live in the studio but not on the air. He messes up. He messes up. He gets nervous. Now it’s on television. He nails it. The guys sigh with relief and clap. Carson says he sounded good and his make-up was good. Ted says he should keep working on it. They toast to him. After note: Kord got an interview and a broadcast with the NBA. Hooray! This week’s tips: Carson says sand the bottom of slippery shoes so you don’t fall. Kyan says to drink eight glasses of water and mist your face with clean water. Jai says to have your money out and tip well at a bar. Jai just won the title of MOTO from Kyan. Thom says that cloth napkins are better than paper napkins. Ted says that you can remove baked-on stains with salt, water, and soaking for an hour. And Kord becomes the straightest guy in all the land who wears make-up. Is it ever okay to tell someone he’s fat? Email me: Christina@realityshack.com

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