John Stinks - Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
--Christina M. Rau/GatsbyGirl
The Fab Five do the SUV scurry. The guy this week is John, who Ted calls a frat boy. Kyan says he has BDJ—bad dye job. Already he’s started in with the hair without even meeting the guy. John is a workaholic and has an online friend Emily coming to stay at his place. He’s also a recently promoted manager of the minor league baseball team in Staten Island. He needs to clean up for his job and a party. Ted suggests the mission is to take John from minor league loser to major league manager. Carson ups the ante and says, “Major league schmoozer!” Hooray.
Credits. Is Thom talking to Pier 1 on that cell phone?
And the boys invade the frat house. Carson calls out, “The Staten Island fairies are here!” John is a skinny All-American boy with a receding bleached hairline and a dirty baseball cap that covers the nasty blonde color. And I don’t quite understand the Hawaiian shirt and its relationship to his baseball job.
The guys corner John, and Carson unbuttons and removes John’s Hawaiian shirt. All the while, Ted asks in disbelief, “Are you really wearing that shirt?” They toss it out the window, which is the Queer Eye way to get rid of tacky things.
Now he’s left in a wife-beater, some gold man-jewelry around his neck, and his ugly hair, which the guys liken to plastic. Kyan’s reaction: “Holy Moley. Omigod!” John claims that someone told him it looked good. You should stop being friends with that person, John.
His place is NASTY. Your basic graying white walls but not your basic crap. It’s advanced crap. Piles of it. And not just dust bunnies. There are dust ducks and bears as well. A whole forest-ful of woodland dust creatures. Mismatched furniture abounds, including a fold-up metal Yankees chair. Oh, don’t be that guy, John. Thom says “the city would shut this down like a bad ferris wheel.” Heeheehee! Then Ted shows Thom that John has a Mexican blanket hanging on the wall to cover up a huge hole. Ted calls it “innovative decorative techniques.” Heeheehee!
Carson comes in from the bedroom closet all perplexed and asks John, “How do you explain this?!” while holding up a jersey that has Gay written across the back. John laughs uncomfortably as Kyan nods along with Carson, pondering John’s sexuality. Heehee. I love making straight-semi-homophobic men uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, Jai walks into the bedroom and ew ew oh oh ews.
Kyan and Carson are now scruffling up John’s hair. Kyan asks where the bleach is so he can make John’s back hair match the awful color on his head. Ha!
Pan over to the garbage pail that’s overflowing. It’s surrounded by bags and bags of garbage. Ted says that he hasn’t thrown out garbage “in like six years.” Ha. It must really stink in there. And are you supposed to put light bulbs in the regular garbage? I thought you couldn’t because of chemicals and the glass factor. But, believe it or not, I’ve been wrong before.
Jai comes in, suppressing panic-mode. He tells Ted that this is probably the worst straight-guy house he’s ever been in. Ted agrees.
Carson and Thom take John into the bedroom. Carson’s description: “It says romance but it smells like ass.” Heeheeheeeeee! This, by far, is the funniest episode all season.
Cut to Jai jumping and sprinting up and down in the living room. He chants, “I don’t like it here!” Heeheeheeeee! I don’t think Jai has ever been more endearing or amusing until this very moment. He is so skeeved.
The guys look at old pics of John. He actually looks really good in them. They tell him that he looks better with dark hair. I agree with them on that one. He reveals that he thought blonde would make the receding hairline seem less receding. Kyan, hair extraordinaire, guffaws and says no no no.
Over in the bathroom, Ted is pondering the existence of a rotten banana. “This shouldn’t be near the toilet.” He scrunches up his face. Jai does the same. Ted says, “It belongs IN the toilet” and he tosses it in. So gross.
Now John is wearing a red, short-sleeved button down with Hawaiian imagery on the front of it. He’s in the closet with Carson (sorry, I just can’t resist these closet puns). Ted appears with a huge gold ring thing hanging around his neck. Carson and Ted tell John that it’s as if Ted and John are going steady. Then Ted kneels, grabs John’s hand, and presses his head into John’s side, all lovey-dovey like. John skeeves, “Oh God no.” He’s so uncomfortable.
In another closet, Kyan dons a dinosaur-like mask. It’s scary and unnecessary.
Meanwhile, Thom is flipping out because his bare foot touched the carpet. Why he took his shoes off in the first place, I have no clue. But he’s hopping around as Jai did before, but he’s not chanting. He’s just bitter and pissed that his foot is now sticky. Ew.
Back over in the bedroom, Carson sits on John. John stands up to push Carson off his lap. Carson says, “You’re gonna hurt mother that way!” John sits back down, unimpressed.
Kyan asks Ted if John is giving “closed off body language.” Ted says yes, and he’s giving Carson the same thing “which is understandable.” I love how they all talk about Carson behind his back and he so knows that they do so it’s okay. They decide that John “has got some issues with the gays.” Ha!
John explains that he does on-field promotion at the games and he wears the Hawaiian shirts to get the crowd going. Yup, they’re a crowd pleaser.
Cut to Ted among the muck, calling John “The straightest guy who ever lived.”
And onto John’s feet. They stink really badly. Carson says they’re the worst he’s ever smelled and dumps a bottle of baby powder over the shoes. Next they make Jai smell the shoes and he literally swoons. Next up is Ted who says, “That’s not even human!” John explains that it only happens when he sweats and not when he wears sandals. Carson yells, “Sandals it is!”
Kyan confronts John in the bathroom and asks why he skeeves when they touch him. John says it’s not a gay thing. It’s a touch thing. He prefers not to be touched by anyone. So he’s a touch-phobe. Then Kyan asks about his online girlfriend and John yells, “She’s not an online girlfriend!” because he’s twelve and girls have cooties. He tells Kyan he’s known Emily for four years and therefore, she will sleep in his bed. His stinky bed. Carson says she’s 20 and impressionable and “she’s going to think everyone in New York lives like this!” The horror.
John then randomly confesses that he doesn’t treat his back well. He’s thrown it out a bunch of times. Relevance?
In the kitchen, Ted weeps over a fermented bottle of White Zin.
Over in the living room, Thom tells John that the house is “vile.” That’s one of my most favorite words ever. John says he doesn’t spend a lot of time in the house except to party so he doesn’t take care of it. Yet, one of his favorite things to read is Ultra Modern and Clean. Cut to Ted yelling for a shovel instead of a vacuum to clean the not-so-ultra-modern-or-clean frat house.
Jai then tells John that he has no method to his madness. He needs to take charge of the roommates and delegate chores to clean.
John does his on-field crowd rousing announcement for the FF. They love it. He’s really good at it. Too bad he smells. Ted then starts in on him about his food situation. It’s all fast food and convenience. Again, he’s not home much and that’s why. Ted asks if he has anything planned for Emily. John answers, “I’m not a big planner.” No! Then he mumble-laughs, “God, I need help.”
Elsewhere, Carson climbs into a laundry bag. With the dirty clothes. Ew. Seconds later he complains that he can’t breathe. Wonder why.
John’s sister interviews that his hair “doesn’t work” and “no one looks good in a Hawaiian shirt.” Smart woman.
In the SUV, Carson admits that they’ve been hard on him and he agrees. Thom pipes up, “Your house is disgusting!” Heehee. Rub it in.
They arrive at Nautica which offers a good color scheme because it’s all American, and has good fabrics for a dirty boy who is laundry-challenged and stain-prone. Carson says that the knit shirt is good for business casual. Knits come in three levels of class; from lowest to highest, they are pique, interlock, and jacard. And all are stain-resistant. Stains won’t penetrate. Carson says, “Sometimes penetration is bad.” Hee.
He puts John in medium shirts and John is shocked to learn that he shouldn’t wear extra-large shirts if mediums fit. Carson then explains that John’s feet stink because they’re squished into tiny shoes that make him sweat. Moral of the story: wear the proper size.
John moves on to a furniture store named NKYPLZK or something like that. Thom reiterates the whole disgusting, hideous, affordable house thing. He says that this store will be hip and affordable, which is a much better alternative. They start with a lamp that’s a person’s body with a lampshade-hat thing. They move on to a wooden wall unit. John likes the whole look, especially the colorful plates. Thom smiles and exclaims, “You’re getting it!”
Thom then insists on buying him a book about Turkish wrestlers. John thinks that Thom may find that more enjoyable for himself.
They move on to pillows. Then they need to find something for Emily. John says she’s punk. Thom is surprised but they find something punk.
Thom then sends John off to Ted, taking the opportunity to take a cheap shot at Ted by calling him old. For no reason other than to take a cheap shot.
Ted takes John to the Gourmet Garage, which is where he shops for his own food. The GG has pre-made, fresh meals. They look at soup which is freezable and travelable. Then they discuss organic beer—it really does exist. Cheese—it smells better than John’s feet. Sauces. And finally, Ted reveals that John will be making bruschetta. John says Emily will like it because she’s part Italian.
Over to Jai at Details because John has pubic hair soap and that’s never good for a houseguest. They sniff around the scented candles. Jai asks, “How do you want your bedroom to smell?” Without a beat, John says, “Good.” Ha! They decide on a rosemary sage scent. Jai inquires about the towel situation. John says that his towels are falling apart. Jai explains, “That’s when they become rags.” Heeheehee. I so love Jai this episode.
John meets up with Kyan at RoJo Salon, where Kyan used to work. And he got fired for Haircut OCD. No, I’m making up the firing part, but I had you going for a second, right? Kyan exclaims, “I can’t believe you ever thought your hair looked good. Let me tell you what’s wrong with it.” Hair arrogance. He tells John that the shape is a mushroom and that he has too much contrast between the black roots and bleached top. True, but still condescending.
This job isn’t for any colorist. It requires a master colorist because John needs color correction, which is really complicated. Enter the Master. John tells Kyan that Emily doesn’t like blonde hair anyway. Kyan says, “I’m getting you laid as we speak!” Then he says “dude” some more because it’s now Kyan’s favorite word. For fun, count the number of times he says it in an episode!
The Master finishes. Then he gets a cut. And, it’s a miracle. He looks like a person. A good-looking person. So much better. Kyan says that John’s original hair was much more gay than it is now. Heehee.
John’s roommate interviews that any change will be positive.
In the SUV back home, the Fab Five say that John’s feet still smell but the rest of him is clean. John says his boss will be happy.
At the house, Thom yells for John to wash his feet before he enters. Then, “Unbelievable!” Seriously, Thom is a magician. The living room is actually a living room. He installed a cranberry banquet around the entire room to seat about thirty people for John’s parties. There’s also a stainless steel keginator in the room, which is a refrigerator with a keg inside. High-tech frat boy. On the coffee table? Turkish wrestlers. On the floor are brown and orange industrial carpets. The walls are butternut squash and sage.
The next room Thom calls the bar slash kitchen. There’s a stainless steel bar and black walls that are actually a chalkboard. The entire room is a chalkboard! Cool.
The bedroom has bamboo wallpaper and brown bedding. And it’s all clean. CLEAN. It’s amazing what cleaning can do.
Over in the kitchen, Ted is talking about bruschetta. Garlic, toasted bread, olive oil, sea salt, artichokes cannolini beans, and pesto. John can’t believe it’s so easy. Ted suggests he make it for the boys at game time as well. I think they’d prefer the chips.
Ted then introduces him to Big House Red and White wine. It has a screw cap! Corks aren’t high tech. John says that he won’t be seen as cheap, but he’ll be ahead of the times. Ted says, “You can still be cheap but it won’t be because of the wine.” Heehee.
Carson then tells John to send out his laundry because he’ll never do it in a timely fashion. He separates the dirty clothes into three hampers: dark, light, and dry clean. Hey, I do the same thing. Carson and I have something in common after all. He tells John to pre-treat all the stains. There’s that nasty penetration thing again.
Fashion show! Carson took John’s Yankee t-shirt and used sandpaper and bleach to distress it. Then Carson demonstrates so he can cop a feel on John’s chest. He pairs the shirt with a seer sucker blazer, flat front khakis, and a belt made from a tie with sports stuff on it.
Outfit 2: muted Hawaiian shirt with khaki shorts.
Outfit 3: shorts, blue-striped knit shirt, and slide sandals. The Fab Five clap for ventilated shoes.
Jai takes John into the kitchen to show him a chore calendar on the wall. John needs to delegate the chores to his roommates and have them stick to the schedule. Then Jai gives John a laptop and a bag for Emily that has water, chocolate, and Time Out Magazine. He calls it “everything a girl needs to feel comfortable.” Jai is obviously not the expert on female comfort. He forgot the tampons and the my-ass-looks-fabulous jeans.
Kyan enters and says, “I’m in my underwear.” And he’s in his underwear. What the? He tells John that he’s had back trouble, too. So he has John roll around on the floor to stretch and do crunches. Then Kyan shows him a big surprise in the bedroom. Kyan enters and says, “I’m naked” and he is and he attacks John which is John’s worst nightmare come true. No, I lie. The surprise is a new mattress that molds to the body.
In the living room, John toasts to each guy individually. Then he gives Carson a kiss on the cheek and everyone cheers. John is no longer a homophobe or a touch-phobe. He says, “I feel like I’m home now.” Aw. They chant “let’s go Yankees.”
Hip Tip: Season your grill with veggie oil. Recycled, Ted. We’ve seen that tip before.
John’s brother interviews that John wants a relationship.
Over on the Critic Couch, the Fab Five sing “take us out to the ballgame” to the beat of their own drummer. Carson says that John’s stench is still beneath his fingernails. That’s very gross.
John gets ready in the bathroom and the FF comment that he is quite fuzzy. Kyan says, “I could only do so much in one day!” Corrective color, foot odor, back remedies. Kyan had his work cut out for him. Then Ted calls John “a creative shaver” as he shaves diagonally against the grain. Ouch. He puts on stone khakis and a Yankee t-shirt.
While making bruschetta, the doorbell rings. Enter Emily under really large luggage. She has short black hair, fair skin, and is wearing jeans and a white jacket. They hug. She calls the place “geometric” and scoffs at the keg fridge. John gives her the gift bag from Details and goes to finish the bruschetta. Emily makes faces.
Kyan becomes my grandmother when he yells, “I didn’t hear a thank you from her.” She smacks her gum and grimaces. Jai yells at her sneering.
In the kitchen, Emily tells John that he’s not really cooking. John calls it “Cooking for Dummies.” Ted sneers, “Why don’t you whip up some stroganoff then?” Thom is impressed that John rolls off all Emily’s negativity with a positive and says, “Her laugh drives me nuts.”
Emily tastes the bruschetta and Ted braces himself. She calls it “toast with stuff on it.” Ted says, “John just wants to sleep with her anyway.” Low blow! I love it!
Then Emily finds the Turkish wrestling book. She’s perplexed. She thinks John might have a little fairy in him. Thom yells, “I’m sorry John! It was a joke.”
John gets ready for the party. He tries on some sunglasses. Emily doesn’t like them. A thousand pairs later, Emily approves.
They move to the big game. John comes into the party with mascot cows in tow. Everyone hugs him. The boss runs his fingers through John’s hair. John hugs some more people. Wow, that “I don’t like touch” thing disappeared. Thom says that John is smart by not introducing Emily to anyone. Ha! He calls her “little Mary sunshine in the corner.” Heehee.
Then there’s another bickering moment about how making bruschetta isn’t really cooking. The FF want John to leave with another woman.
Outside, the rain is pouring. The boss tells John to make an announcement that the game is cancelled. Thom says he should start the announcement, “Ladies and Gentlemen: I have good news and I have Emily.” HA! Now that’s comedy! John makes the game is cancelled announcement and adds a thanks to the Fab Five.
John then pulls Emily aside to give her a gift. Kyan says that if she doesn’t react correctly, he should throw her off the balcony. She jokes, “If you’re proposing, the answer is no.” John instead gives her earrings. She likes them and thanks him more than once. Carson gives her two brownie points for being gracious.
They are impressed with how charismatic John is around a crowd and they toast to a home run.
This week’s tips:
Kyan says jumping rope is good for you and you should steal jump ropes from children.
Jai says to treat friends’ homes like your own homes and leave gifts behind.
Carson says use erasers to unstick sticky zippers.
Thom says use a brazil nut to fill in scratches in wooden tables.
Ted says that a screw-capped wine can be stored any which way. But loose.
A major case of foot odor and a minor case of homophobia cured all within a queer-filled hour!
Email me: Christina@realityshack.com Is making bruschetta really cooking?
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