Oranges? Really - How to Get the Guy, Episode 4 by Leila
Previously: We were introduced to the women and our hosts, the Effing Twins EIGHT MILLION TIMES. Kris was a “party girl” and then met Josh. Asslissa went out with Joey. They made out lots. “Career girl” Michelle “used to intimidate guys with her success” but then met Sean who “swept her off her feet.” Aaand, for those of you keeping track at home, I do believe that this is the first time my feminist principles have been offended before the opening credits. Kudos, show. Anne went from having too few dates to too many.
The Effing Twins walk through San Francisco and talk about chemistry. It’s exactly as vapid as you might imagine.
ANOTHER montage of the women walking around.
Kris and Effing Teresa get their nails done. Kris is introducing Josh to her friends tonight. Effing Teresa tells Kris the rules of “Boyfriend PR”: talk him up to your friends before the meeting and tell him about your friends so he knows what to expect.
Anne goes out with Effing JD to talk about her upcoming third date with Dennis. Apparently, third dates are about sharing new experiences. Like sex. I’m just saying.
Over at the Meeting Of The Friends, everybody drinks and laughs. Kris goes to the bathroom, leaving Josh with her friends. They start grilling him. He broke up with his last girlfriend in August of last year. He is looking for chemistry. He really likes Kris. Her male friend asks if he thinks Kris could be the one. Josh nods. Good Lord, they’ve been dating for a month! Isn’t this a little presumptuous? No one else seems to be too concerned and they all toast. Kris returns from the bathroom and Kris’ male friend asks Josh for three reasons that he’s the right guy for Kris. Kris is a little mortified, but Josh is ready: he and Kris have become best friends very quickly, they have a lot in common, and he just adores her. Oh. Every once in a while, this show is really cute.
The title of the next segment? “Chemistry is chemical.” Brilliant!
Asslissa has been courted by Joey. Apparently, they need to get past the dinner date threshold and gain new experiences. Weirdly enough, Asslissa is having this conversation in a park in the rain with the Effing Twins. Why? The Effing Twins think Asslissa needs to do something with Joey that will release dopamine. A helpful caption informs us that dopamine is “a neurotransmitter linked to sexual desire, pleasure, and movement.” Confirming my instinct that this whole episode is about sex. “Lady Marmalade” (the Patti LaBelle version, not the Moulin Rouge one, thank God) begins to play.
Michelle is out shopping with her friends. They chat about Sean. No new information.
Anne and Dennis are taking a cooking class with a few of their friends. They make mussels and some sort of chocolately dessert. Dennis, Anne, and their friends talk about cats and chemistry. Yeah, I don’t know. Everyone seems to have a good time, however.
Michelle is on her second date with Darren. Who-en? I don’t know. Apparently, she hasn’t seen him in a few weeks. He will have to wow her because she likes Sean. Banter. Darren and Michelle were both chubby kids. They talk about their physical types. Darren just likes attractive, smart girls. Michelle finds Darren boring. When he puts her in a cab, he totally tries to kiss her, but she is having none of it.
Asslissa and Joey seem to be… at church? Apparently, it’s “a nondenominational church where energy and love swing from the rafters.” Joey is kind of trying to make a move during the sermon, but Asslissa feels smothered. She thinks that even though it can hurt, it’s always worth telling the truth. Ruh-roh!
Kris is out having a drink with her friend Chantel. Kris says that she’s had a chastity belt on. Apparently, it’s still on. Whoa!
Anne is being set up with a guy named Jason. They meet in an outdoor café. Banter ensues. Anne is the banter master. I don’t really understand how Anne was having trouble meeting guys. It seems like they all love her. I’m calling B.S.
Asslissa is out with Joey. They will have a Talk. Asslissa likes how Joey showers her with attention, but sometimes, she feels crowded. Joey takes it pretty well. He does seem like a nice guy. They agree to communicate. Dull!
Time for the weekly Love Coach event. Eight t-shirts are hung on mannequins. Apparently, the smells of lavender, licorice, orange, pumpkin, donuts, and chocolate all increase male sexual arousal greatly. Whoa! Especially oranges, which apparently provide a 19% increase in male sexual arousal. Prevents scurvy and gives you a boner! My stars! Effing JD creepily eats an orange. I make a mental note to buy citrus scented shampoo. For women, the combination scents of cucumber and licorice increase sexual arousal. This is actually kind of fascinating.
Effing JD talks about pheremones. Apparently, these eight t-shirts belong to guys the women are currently dating (two for each woman). The guys slept in the shirts for two nights each. They will smell both shirts and decide which one smells sexier. Asslissa was more attracted to Joey’s shirt than Alessandro’s. Anne likes Dennis’s shirt more than Jason’s. What happened to Jimmy? Kris prefers Josh’s shirt to Mike’s (the sour-apple blow-pop guy). Michelle thinks that Sean’s shirt smells sexier than Darren’s. The women are instructed to get out there and apply what they’ve learned.
Michelle is out with Effing JD to talk about Darren v. Sean. Michelle wants to like Darren, but really just likes Sean. Effing JD thinks Michelle should give Darren one more chance and then break up if he’s still dull.
Asslissa and her friend Danielle are looking at guys online. There’s a cute guy, but he lives in L.A. She still messages him. His name is Grant.
Michelle is out on her third date with Darren. She has enjoyed the date, but feels no chemistry. She tells him that she thinks they’re better as friends. He seems bummed, but like he basically agrees. They part ways.
Asslissa is doing yoga. The Effing Twins join her. They talk about Grant. She likes him, but is nervous, because it’s online. Effing JD gives her the rules of meeting online dates: give him a hug when you meet, know his profile, so you can mine it for conversational topics, and don’t have unrealistic expectations. Asslissa gives the Effing Twins a yoga lesson.
Michelle is at a sushi-making lesson with Sean. Yay! They finally make out. It’s both cute and kind of inappropriate, since it’s during dinner. They leave their drinks and hop in a cab. Hot!
Meanwhile, Anne and Dennis are a little drunk and going out for another drink. They cuddle on a banquet and make out a little bit. Then they go to Anne’s apartment. She falls up the stairs. Classy. The door to Anne’s apartment closes and the Piano of Sex plays loudly.
Josh has to go to Japan for a business trip. Kris will pick him up from the airport when he returns. He will call from Japan.
Asslissa meets up with Grant. They hug. He is short and swarthy. OH MY GOD, WHAT IS ASSLISSA WEARING? They’re these sort of wide-legged pants and they seem to be… floral? And maybe also covered with Chinese characters? They are a hot mess. Anyways, the chemistry sure seems to be there with Asslissa and Grant. They walk off together arm in arm.
Dating diaries! Anne thinks Dennis gives her stomach butterflies. Asslissa likes both Joey and Grant. Kris feels like her relationship with Josh is getting serious. Michelle really likes Sean.
Next week: Josh returns from Japan, Michelle goes to a shooting range with Sean. Asslissa just wants to be childlike. Anne dumps someone and Asslissa dumps Joey.
Comments? Email me at Leila@realityshack.com. For more pop-culture overanalysis, check out my blog at http://leilalovestelevision.blogspot.com.
|
|
