How to Get Slightly More Bearable - How to Get the Guy, Episode 3 by Leila
Previously: We are reintroduced to the women AGAIN. Also, to our hosts, the Effing Twins. Online dating. Michelle continued to have too high standards, but then quite liked Sean. Anne “volume dated” and wound up with two guys, Dennis and Jimmy. Kris was a drunken slut, but likes Josh. Asslissa met Joey, “a guy unlike any she’s ever dated.” Oh Jesus. This week it’s Valentine’s Day.
Credits. Hey, apparently Effing J.D.’s name is spelled without periods! I’m very excited to save these few moments on typing. Thanks, show!
San Francisco! Pretty! Effing Teresa informs us, helpfully, that Valentine’s Day happens every year. Apparently, we should ignore the pressure and focus on having a good time. As the same montage of the women waking up that we see EVERY SINGLE WEEK plays, the Effing Twins explain that Valentine’s Day is just another day. To further drive this point home, they’re assembling the women in something of a Valentine’s Day summit. A VD summit, if you will. (Sidebar: I must give credit where it’s due and mention that instead of the dreaded “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow”, Bill Withers’s “Lovely Day” is playing during this scene. As a result, I am much happier.)
In a restaurant, the women toast and discuss their progress. Asslissa finds online dating “exhausting”. Michelle hates to admit it, but thinks online dating makes it easier to diversify. Anne has trouble diversifying, but Kris casts too wide of a net. God, are the women going to start doing the talking points now too? Kris asks about Valentine’s Day plans. Anne would rather go out on a first date than a third date. Michelle will spend all day preparing for her hearing the next day. The women toast to “a year of adventure.”
The next segment is entitled “The First Kiss.” Effing JD informs us that “a date without a kiss is just an appointment” and I really have to say, that’s the first piece of advice this show has offered that I can get behind. If the date is good, you want to make out a little at the end. That’s just a fact. Oh! There’s a shot of a really old couple holding hands. I love old couples.
Michelle gets a call from her brother, Michel. She tells him that she went out with “Mr. Dreamy” (Sean). Michel passive-aggressives that Michelle doesn’t know a lot about this guy. Way to be supportive, Michel. Michelle says that Sean did an 85% lean-in at the end of the date, but Michelle just gave him a hug. Michel says that if Michelle doesn’t kiss Sean on their next date, they’re moving into just-friends mode. Word, Michel. Michelle doesn’t want this to happen.
Kris, who is clearly the black sheep of this show, is being sat down for a talking-to by the Effing Twins. They’ve brought video. They show her date with Mike, when they’re talking about the sour-apple blow pops. See, I think that’s a little charming. On my first date with my boyfriend, we talked about porn. From what I can remember. I was pretty drunk. And we’re doing pretty well, so take that, show. Anyways, Effing JD is not charmed by the sour-apple conversation.
On the video, Mike and Kris are leaning in to talk to each other, which apparently means that there’s no serious potential. Yeah, I don’t get that either. Effing Teresa introduces the concept of “fear flirting”: don’t flirt just to be nice. Flirt if you have butterflies. The author of The Gift of Fear rolls over in her grave, even if she’s still alive. Kris and the Effing Twins watch a video of the traffic light party, in which Kris is leaning all up into Chris. The Effing Twins ask her how into him she was on a scale of ten. Kris says four or five. The Effing Twins are dismayed that she spent an hour talking to a four and give her some tips for getting out of situations where she’s just not into the guy: use friends as an excuse, say you have to mingle. The next video is of Kris and Josh on the pier. Kris is excited and blush-y. She says there aren’t any red flags with Josh. He is way ahead of any other guy on her radar. Effing Teresa says it’s time to trim the fat, guy-wise. Kris agrees.
Michelle has another date with Sean. They go bowling and banter. Sean is really rather good-looking. They banter more. Apparently, Sean was reluctant to meet Michelle because he thought she wasn’t his type. They leave the bowling alley holding hands. Michelle asks him out again. He says yes. He smoothly maneuvers his arm to around her waist. It looks like she sort of pecks him on the lips and then hugs him. Boo, Michelle! I’d totes make out with him.
The women are having some sort of panel in which the women ask these assorted guys every question they’ve ever had about men. But first, an update. Everyone is happy with their guys. The women start pulling questions out of a bowl. Anne pulls one out: “Is a man threatened by a woman who is more sexually trained than he, say, in tantra or other forms of orgasmic knowledge?” Okay, obviously the answer is no, and obviously Asslissa (oh, come on, who else could it be) put that one in there as an advertisement for herself. How can a girl let a guy know she’s interested? Incidental touching. Do guys worry about their penis size? Did eighth graders write these questions? God! How did the guys know they had met the One? Answers range from the way the woman interacted with her family to chemistry. This scene was very boring.
Effing JD joins Anne at the gym. I’m impressed by Anne’s ability to chat while on the elliptical. Anne is going out with Jimmy on Valentine’s Day. She didn’t want to go out with Dennis, because it seemed like too much pressure. Anne doesn’t expect anything from Dennis, but Effing JD thinks that he will send flowers or call.
Kris is psyched for Valentine’s Day. She hopes she’ll go out with Josh. She gushes to a friend about how much she likes him.
Michelle does a lot of children’s charity work. At an event, she talks to a friend about how she plans to work on Valentine’s Day. Michelle is not down with New Year’s, Valentine’s Day or her birthday. She hasn’t had a boyfriend on any of those holidays in eons.
Dennis calls Anne. He’d like to take her out on Friday night. She accepts.
Kris and Josh go to the Chinese New Year’s parade. At drinks later, they talk about their mutual love of travel and things they like about each other. It’s cute. Josh thinks Valentine’s Day is dumb, but he’d like to spend it with Kris. That is kind of sweet. He wants to take her to a wine tasting. They kiss and he tells her he’s looking forward to Valentine’s Day.
Effing JD informs us again that Valentine’s Day happens every year. Anne and Jimmy go ice-skating. She can’t figure out how to tie her skates. She’s never been ice-skating before. Jimmy tries to teach Anne to skate, but it’s not going so well. She falls. I have to say, I like Dennis a lot better than Ugly Hair Jimmy.
Michelle does work. Effing JD says that whoever Michelle ends up with will have to embrace the fact that career is a huge priority in her life. I really don’t like the tone he uses for this statement: it’s kind of disapproving.
Back on Anne’s date, she and Jimmy make out.
Asslissa meets with the Effing Twins, to talk about what to do if Joey comes on too strong with the kiss at the end. Asslissa feels like he was ignoring what she was saying, since she was thanking him at the time. The Effing Twins think Asslissa should give him the benefit of the doubt. For once, I agree.
Asslissa meets up with Joey. He has bought her a bigass bouquet. It’s really pretty. Banter ensues. Joey says that Valentine’s Day is the biggest holiday of the year for his family, right above Yom Kippur. Hee. He opens his button-down shirt to reveal a tee that says “I Have Candy.” He asks what Asslissa is doing this weekend. She says “dating.” He is not threatened.
Kris is out with Josh. Effing JD: “Our one-time party girl has come a long way.” For God’s sake, it’s not The Taming of the Shrew. They’re ordering foie gras. Mmm. They talk about the Q&A session the women had this past weekend and Josh agrees to answer some of the questions. Kris cuts right to the chase and asks him how he’ll know when he’s found the One. He thinks he’ll have no doubt in his mind when he does. They smile schmoopily at each other. It’s cute.
Joey and Asslissa leave the restaurant and make out as they do. She seems pretty pleased about it this time.
Josh brings Kris home. The kiss on her couch, chastely. He’s leaving for the week, but is excited to see her when he comes back. They make out on her back porch. I bet they do it.
Dating diaries! Michelle still doesn’t like Valentine’s Day, but the next day, she won her court case and had a great date with Sean. Asslissa likes Joey. Anne is enjoying dating both guys. Kris thinks Josh might be the One.
Next week: Josh meets Kris’s friends. Chemistry is the theme. Asslissa breaks up with Joey. Anne and Dennis have sex. Michelle is in the friends’ zone with Sean.
Comments? Email me at Leila@realityshack.com. For more pop-culture overanalysis, check out my blog at http://leilalovestelevision.blogspot.com.
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