How to Get My Goat - How to Get the Guy, Episode 2 by Leila
Previously on the Show of My Discontent, we met four “very single women” and the world’s ultimate asshats: J.D. and Teresa. Kris was a drunkard, Asslissa was a dirty hippy that only wanted to date other dirty hippies, Michelle needed to date anyone who asked her out, and Anne was cute but shy. Also, totes the teacher’s bet. Unspoken by the asshats: all these women are spinsters and must find men immediately lest they be scorned and feared to be witches. I saw Goody Asslissa with the devil!
Golden Gate Bridge! I wish I were watching Full House right now. Effing Teresa (which is now her proper name) tells us that if there’s one thing that can kill a relationship in its early stages, it’s expectations. Also, chlamydia. According to Effing J.D., we need to let go of our expectations (read: lower our standards) in order to find the guy. The heinous sounds of “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow” by Fleetwood Mac take us through a truly thrilling montage in which we watch the women complete such exciting activities as opening their mail and using the ATM.
We zoom in on Michelle. She’s talking to her mom. Michelle wants someone who loves to do outdoor things and has personal ambition. Her mom thinks she needs to lower her standards.
Asslissa is at work. I would totally like a massage right now, incidentally. Asslissa is nattering on about this CD her housemate has that details the stages guys go through. Apparently, first they’re running around all crazy like in their 20s, and then they go through “the prince stage”. This is apparently not the point where they show a troubling obsession with getting stoned and watching Purple Rain, but rather, when they focus on “building their kingdom.” I hate Asslissa so much, guys. Then, apparently, they go through “the king stage”, in which they’re all about teaching and being secure with themselves. Asslissa’s client thinks she should date a “late-stage-prince, early-stage-king kind of guy.” Asslissa agrees.
Kris thinks she’ll find The Guy by going on lots of dates. Effing J.D. says that Kris needs to start dating in pursuit of a relationship. Effing J.D. thinks Kris is a ho fo sho. So does Effing Teresa.
Teacher’s Pet Anne gets a check-in from the Effing Twins. She had a great time on her date. Because this show is nothing but filler, we watch a long clip of the date. Effing Teresa is pleased, because Anne cut off the date early and “left him wanting more.” See, this is what I don’t get. If you’re both having a great time, why stop? This is why I’m terrible at being a girl. When asking about the kiss, Effing Teresa totally tries to cop a feel. Awesome. Effing J.D. wants to talk about “what to do between the first and second date, while you’re waiting for him to call, so you’re not agonizing over waiting for him to call.” Well, for starters, you could CALL HIM IF YOU WANT TO TALK SO BADLY, GOD! Oh wait, apparently, that’s Rule #1: Do not call him. Rule #2: go out on another date with another guy. This is the stupidest advice I’ve ever heard. If you want to call him, call him. If he can’t handle that, screw him…better to know now than later. As for the second piece of advice, I’m a firm believer in the golden rule: if you wouldn’t be happy to know that the guy is going on a date with another girl, don’t go on a date with another guy, even if you’re nominally single. That’s not to say that you should turn down dates… just don’t go seeking them out and don’t date just to date. God. Effing J.D. tells Anne that she deserves a guy who likes her enough to come to her. And while that is basically true, why does the guy have to be the one to pursue? Doesn’t a great guy deserve a girl who likes him enough to come to him? Effing J.D. thinks that Anne’s guy won’t play games.
Oh Lord. The next segment is about online dating. Effing J.D. says that dating is a numbers game and online dating is a good way to add some volume. Full disclosure: before getting together with my boyfriend, I had a personal up on Nerve and I went out on two billion first dates. All I’m saying is, after all that volume, my boyfriend is someone I’ve known for almost three years.
The Effing Twins tell Michelle that guys on online dating sites are likely to be more serious about finding someone than random guys at a bar. Or they’re just looking to get laid and are too lazy and/or awkward to talk to girls in person. I’m just saying. Effing Teresa does some egregious product placement that I’m not even going to dignify by recapping it. When you’re making an online profile, your headline should be something that will spark interest in guys, like a movie quote. I am saddened to report that Michelle’s headline is now “Leave the guns… take the cannoli.” In my adventures in online dating, I found that indie music quotes worked well, but I suspect Michelle and I are perhaps interested in different kinds of guys. Effing J.D. says that in a photo, you should be smiling, in focus, and alone. This is all pretty obvious. The Effing Twins also provide some obvious disclaimers about the fact that you should meet online dates in public. All of the women go on a bunch of Internet dates.
Bad date montage: some guy wants to feed Asslissa ice cream, another guy tells Kris that attorneys are jokes, Michelle and her date just awkwardly stare at each other, some dude in leather pisses Asslissa off by drumming at the table, a tooly guy awesomely tells Anne that he normally dates women between 18-29, but he’d make an exception for her, drum guy plays the harmonica.
Michelle goes out with a nice guy who’s a wine salesman. His name is Chuck. He seems a little faygeleh. He shows her how to drink wine. Effing J.D. tells us that this is good, because there’s nothing better on a date than making a guy feel like an expert. I swear to god, they’re going to revoke my Smith diploma for recapping this foolishness.
Anne goes out with a guy named Jimmy. Jimmy has a slicked-back ponytail and a leather blazer and is a serial monogamist. Ugh. Anne says something about trying to protect herself from getting hurt and Jimmy makes a crack about needing an emotional condom and then asks to borrow her lip-gloss. I think we’re meant to believe this is a good date, but it sure looks like a horror show to me. They walk on the beach. Jimmy tells her that his real name is Joey. Lame for hiding the name! He awkwardly asks if they should go out again. During my online dating period, that happened to me a lot and it was always super-awkward because I rarely wanted to go out with the guy again but nor did I want to reject him to his face so I usually mumbled something noncommittal and then escaped into a cab. I’m kind of an asshole. Jimmy and Anne kiss. It is noticeably more like making out than was her kiss with the guy from last week, but I liked him much better.
Apparently, we too often judge people by their appearances, so at tonight’s Effing Twins event, the women will be blindfolded. They will eat a three-course meal, each course with a different guy. At the end of the dinner, they will choose one guy for a romantic dessert. Much giggling ensues. Effing Teresa tells us “93% of human communication is non-verbal. Tonight is about that other 7%.” A fascinating math lesson. Kris asks if they’re allowed to touch each other. Effing J.D. makes a cheap “Kris is a whore” joke.
The dates begin. Of note: Kris’ guy tells her she smells delightful. Michelle gropes her guy while trying to figure out if he’s tall. Kris tries to feed her guy some food and pokes him in the throat. Much sharing of drinks ensues. Asslissa’s date does yoga. Time to change courses: the women are enjoying the experience.
Round two: Asslissa’s guy is silent, Michelle’s is fat, Kris’ humorless, Anne’s thinks she’s an old maid at 31. And then we get my favorite Asslissa exchange of the night:
Dude: So, you’re blindfolded too?
Asslissa: Yeah.
Dude: This is stupid, don’t you think?
Asslissa: I think it’s kind of cool, actually.
Dude: Yeah, me too.
This is followed by him telling Asslissa that he wants to be a painter like Basquiat. When she asks if he intends to kill himself like Basquiat, he says no, but remarks that his girlfriends are always asking him that, because he’s crazy. When the course is over, he seems sad that he can’t take his drink with him.
Which guy do the women like better? Kris likes Bachelor #1, Asslissa likes Bachelor #1, Michelle, #2, and Anne #1. The couples get to remove their blindfolds table by table. Michelle is obviously a little disappointed. Everyone else is elated.
Debriefing: Michelle didn’t like how young her guy looked. Predictably, this gets her some grief from Effing Teresa who says that (sing it with me now) she’s ruling out guys too quickly. The women are all happy. Asslissa has a date with Joey, her guy for the night.
Dennis, Anne’s date from last week, calls to ask her out again. Yay! I like him. They go to the ocean. Quoth Effing J.D. “Anne is definitely on the right track, dating more than one guy and not putting all her emotional eggs in one basket.” I’m sorry, but while I understand the practicality of this idea, wouldn’t you rather be able to say that, ever since you’ve been with someone, it was only he or she? Just do what you feel, and if that doesn’t involve dating multiple guys, don’t date multiple guys. If it does, do it, but don’t do something just because some fakeass love coaches told you to. God. Anyways, Dennis and Anne banter cutely and walk onto a pier. It really is very pretty.
Back in Michelle’s apartment, she is on the phone with her friend, who is confusingly also named Michelle. We’re just going to go ahead and call this new Michelle Shelly, okay? Shelly wants to set Michelle up with some guy. Michelle is not into it, but will give it a shot.
On Anne’s date, the cute banter continues. They go onto a pretty pier. They’re really pretty adorable. He told his mom about her. Oh, that is cute. Ooh, bad teeth on Dennis. The date didn’t end with a kiss, but Anne is fine with that. I wouldn’t be. If I kissed someone on the first date and not the second, I’d be way confused and probably think he suddenly hated me
Kris is out with a guy named Josh, who she’s been out with before, but rejected because he was too serious. I’m impressed that he’d come back for more. They try to bamboozle a waitress into warming up a cold dessert and then walk on a pretty pier holding hands. Then they make out.
Asslissa is out with Joey, the guy from her blindfold date. According to Effing Teresa, he’s a “beer-drinking, corporate guy’s guy.” Yeah, but he does yoga, so I don’t think this is as much of a stretch for Asslissa as the show wants us to believe. Effing J.D. informs us that dinner dates can be tricky. Asslissa meets with the Effing Twins. Truly, a meeting of the minds, that. On the real date, Joey tells Asslissa that she looks gorgeous, which is true. The Effing Twins give their rules for dinner dates. Don’t forget to eat. On the real date, Asslissa says a little prayer before she eats. “It’s nice because you really get connected to what you’re eating, and I think when you lose that then you’re just unconscious to (sic) what you’re eating.” Back at the Brain Summit, Effing Teresa shows Asslissa how to share her food.
And then something funny happens. My TiFaux cuts out and comes back in five minutes later into a commercial Devil Wears Prada. Let’s all guess what happened in the break, shall we? I’ll bet that the Effing Twins gave some more asinine rules for dinner dates and Asslissa said some flaky things and then made out with Joey (since that last part has been teased ad nauseum in the promos). Since this show repeats everything until a three-year-old could comprehend it, I imagine we’ll all get caught up during the “previously”s next week.
When we return to the real show, Michelle is on a date with Don, the guy Shelly set her up with. As Effing Teresa puts it, Don is “6’2’ and easy on the eyes.” True dat, Effing Teresa. Michelle and Don banter about Googling each other (he did, she didn’t). Michelle really shouldn’t wear a tube top. Then they both talk about jeans. Don is wearing Chip and Peppers. Hey, me too! Michelle says that Don is a metrosexual. He protests. Don, in case you’re curious, has never gotten a manicure or a pedicure. Michelle had fun on her date with Don. He asks her what she’s doing next week. It looks like they hug, but do not kiss.
Dating diary time! Kris has remembered how good it is to date someone who’s worth the long haul. Anne has learned to let expectations go. Anne is suggestible to the max. Asslissa is looking for someone with real passion. She’s happy to have met Joey. In a montage, we see that they totally made out. Yes! I am the bomb prognosticator. Michelle thinks that saying yes paid off with Don. Throughout all of this, “Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow” plays, leading me to believe that the writers of this show are deliberately trying to break me.
Next week: the women host some kind of roundtable discussion and go on yet more dates. Valentine’s Day happens. I cry a little bit, inside.
Comments? Email me at Leila@realityshack.com. For more pop-culture overanalysis, check out my blog at http://leilalovestelevision.blogspot.com.
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