How to Get Me Annoyed - How to Get the Guy, Episode 1 by Leila
San Francisco! The Golden Gate Bridge! Is it wrong that every time I see the Golden Gate Bridge, I expect to watch an episode of Full House? A male voiceover intones “San Francisco: they call it the little city by the bay”. A woman chimes in “But this little city is full of single women who just can’t seem to find love on their own.” She does not add “because San Francisco is known to be the center of gay male culture” because we’re all pretending that San Francisco is a peachy place to have a heterosexual dating show. I’m so sure.
We meet four of these single women. They brush their teeth. Make coffee. It’s exactly as thrilling as it sounds. “Meet Anne. She’s the girl next door who’s currently unemployed!” Oh, Jesus. She has been in seven weddings, but doesn’t know how to send out “available signals” to guys.
Moving right along, Kris is a “corporate litigator by day, fun-loving party girl by night.” Apparently, Kris is going on too many dates, which is preventing her from getting into a serious relationship. The narrators totally think Kris is a two-bit hooker.
Michelle is… okay, Michelle is seriously Zora from Season One of Joe Millionaire. For real. I guess the Weight Watchers commercials have run out at the fame bank. “Michelle” only dates “10s.” Once again, I’m so sure.
Alissa is a “spiritual massage therapist who is totally in touch with the universe.” I hate her already. She conducts some sort of candlelight ceremony and uses the phrase “life-partner” sans irony. She won’t date guys out of her comfort zone.
Oh God. The narrators are “love coaches.” “J.D. is a happily married relationship expert, but more importantly, he’s a guy.” Who is writing this script? “Teresa is a relationship columnist who’s found love.” I am pretty sure neither of these people are qualified to set two people up on a blind date, much less call themselves “love coaches”, but whatevs.
The credits inform us that Alissa is “The Dreamer”, Anne, “The Girl Next Door”, Kris, “The Party Girl” and Michelle, “The Career Girl.” If you think this sounds like the back of a Girls Gone Wild DVD, you are correct. Also, note that while these women look like they’re well past thirty, in the world of How to Get the Guy, they’re all girls.
Some staged baloney in which J.D. and Teresa babble about the challenge ahead of them. Exposition: these women are not looking for a guy, they’re looking for the guy. J.D. and Teresa are their love coaches. Anne is cute and funny, but dumb. Alissa is a free spirit, but dumb. Kris is a slut. Michelle wants to date out of her league. Oh good lord. Teresa says we need to find out if the women are going to “get in the game” and we go to Monster Park.
J.D. asks the women what is so hard about dating in San Francisco. I raise my hand: the gay men everywhere! The women have a different idea: the men are too focused on their careers, afraid of commitment (to a woman), there’s more single women than single guys. J.D. says that in SF, there are 375,000 single men. Alissa asks how many of them like women. Finally! Teresa subtracts 16% of the total male pool, leaving us with 151,787. That math seems shady to me, but I’m too lazy to figure it out, so we’ll take the coaches’ word for it. Apparently, they could fill every seat in the stadium with an available guy… twice. So, what you’re saying is they’d sit on each other’s laps? Okay, that’s my last all-men-in-San-Francisco-are-gay joke. For now! But how do we find the guy? Lots of dating. J.D. makes them pledge to dedicate themselves to finding true love.
So, the next segment is called “Drop the Hanky: A Classic Twist on Getting Him to Notice.” My feminist principles are getting tired from screaming inside already, and we’re only nine minutes in. We reiterate the talking points about Anne: she’s the girl next door, but doesn’t know how to put herself out there. In case you didn’t get that from the first ten times they said it. Oh God. They’re going to show her “flirtatious, ladylike ways to get a guy’s attention.” Why does she have to be ladylike? Why can’t these women just go up to a guy and ask him the heck out? Oh my god, I hate this show already. The coaches tell Anne that she needs to make four seconds of eye contact with a guy and then get within four feet of him. What? Okay. I’ll admit up front that I probably have no idea how to get the guy and that I met my current boyfriend because of my blog, but for real? I don’t think flirting should involve this much mathematics.
Poor Anne has to go to a Borders and look at dude magazines until some guy talks to her. This is so humiliating. Oh no! JD and Teresa are just hiding and making motions at her. This is so seventh grade and giggly, I’m embarrassed just watching. Anne strikes up an incredibly awkward conversation with the man next to her. “You from here?” Yo, who wants to get picked up in a bookstore? I’m there to read trashy magazines for free, not to have some stranger asking about my business. Is this a West Coast thing? In this thirty second conversation, Anne reveals that she is an unemployed investment banker and then awkwardly says “nice talking to you” and sidles back to J.D. and Teresa, like the twelve year old girl she is. They go to an athletic store and make poor Anne repeat the exercise. She pulls the “you’re about my brother’s size, would you try this on?” For real, I learned this from YM when I was eleven.
Did you know that apparently dating is a numbers game? Because J.D. would like to tell you. It’s time for speed-dating, which might be a trademarked name, because we’re calling it “rapid dating” on this incredibly low budget show. One guy doesn’t believe in monogamy, one guy is a “sex bunny”, one lives with his dad, one hates vegetarians, one has bad punk hair from 1984. And then we get my favorite exchange of the night:
Alissa: I’m a massage therapist. Sketchy Dude: Oh! Do you ever get some fat old guy laying (sic) on the table and you have to give him a happy ending? Alissa: (withering look) No. Sketchy Dude: Oh. That’s good.
Hee. Someone just asked Anne if she’d strip. Also, one guy might be PeeWee Herman.
So, apparently, J.D. and Teresa gave the girls an “assignment” to go out on some dates. Alissa agreed to a date with Alessandro, “a vegan didgeridoo player she met in her yoga class.” From now on, I will be referring to Alissa as Asslissa. She is every negative stereotype about San Francisco, y’all. Although he seems like a good match, the Idiot Duo is worried that he’s just like everyone else she’s dated. Why is this a problem? Shut up, coaches. Asslissa wants to become a yoga instructor. Shock me, shock me, shock me. Asslissa just loves the didgeridoo. Asslissa doesn’t feel a connection with Alessandro.
Kris is going on a date with Mike, a fellow lawyer she’s not really interested in. Yo! He’s cute! And his big line is about Sour Apple Blow-Pops. Awesome! Kris thinks that “Mike’s a nice guy, but I just keep asking myself am I really having an entire conversation about Sour Blow-Pops on a date right now?” Better to be talking about Sour Blow-Pops than ... well, you know. And… the dirty jokes have started earlier than I was expecting.
Michelle has let her friends set her up with a guy named Darren. He is cute and quiet while she babbles on about her fancy trips. He looks bored. I know how he feels.
The coaches are having a “signal party”. Apparently, this is when you invite your friends and family and they invite all their single friends who invite all their friends and family and so on. If you’re single, you wear a green button. If not, a red. This is basically a terrible sorority party. As the women enter, we repeat their talking points. Sing it with me now: Anne needs to be outgoing, Kris needs to not be drunk, Michelle needs to dumb herself down and lower her standards, and Asslissa needs to branch out of the yoga crowd. Quoth Asslissa to some poor man: “Do you notice, that when you’re real, all your energy rises?” After babbling about being real to several men, Asslissa goes running off to J.D. Another direct quote is in order here: “I feel a little bit like… like I have to talk to these men. And I’m trying to be really real, cause that’s who I am.” J.D. says she doesn’t have to waste her time with men she’s not interested in.
Michelle is apparently saying no to too many men. Teresa goes all Taming of the Shrew on her ass. If you ask me, Teresa’s the shrew. Michelle just up and leaves the party.
Anne, who is the favorite, is doing what she was told. Teresa creepily asks if she “broke the touch barrier.” Apparently, she did. WHO THINKS THIS MUCH ABOUT TALKING TO A GUY? GOD!
Meanwhile, Kris has parked herself at the bar and is drinking a steady stream of dirty martinis. Kris is my girl. She is being inappropriate and loud and is clearly having more fun than the rest of the women and J.D. put together. Teresa is not having it, though. She tells Kris “there’s an intrinsic grace and dignity and class about you… three drinks ago.” Teresa is a stone bitch, y’all. Apparently, “if you’re not going to drive a motor vehicle, you’re not going to drive your love life.” And just like that, I realize that all my troubles can be traced back to the fact that I never got my license. Thanks, Teresa! Kris says she’ll stop at two drinks for the next week. Boo, Kris!
The women are told to close things out with the men folk. Anne totally puts the moves on some guy named Dennis on a couch. Kris is getting cozy on the balcony with another guy named Chris. Michelle and Asslissa were unsuccessful.
Oh my God, why is this an hour-long show?
Random sequence of the women hanging out with their confidants: Michelle has a brother named Michel. She talks to him about how she’s not down with dating more than one guy at a time. Kris likes to rebound from a hangover by going to the gym with her friend Chantal. She likes to give guys the benefit of the doubt after the first date. Okay, Kris just said “manslation.” We are no longer friends. Anne and her friend Gina talk about the weirdly compulsive four second eye-contact rule and very cutely try and fail to do it to each other. Asslissa goes out with a fellow dirty hippie named Christo. Asslissa wants a guy who is “totally talented, spiritual and... I want monogamy.” Apparently, Christo is in an open relationship. This revelation is followed by an awesomely awkward pause in which both Asslissa and Christo clearly think “we could have sex. Right now.” It’s by far the highlight of this show.
Anne is hanging out with Gina when suddenly the Olympic speed skating team glides by! What??? Why do neither of them mention this? So weird! Gina wants Anne to show her how to hit on cute boys. Anne asks a guy for the time. He’s not down. Everyone else is inappropriately aged, taken, or limping.
Michelle whines to her brother. Neither of them has found The One.
I have no idea why we saw any part of that segment.
Teacher’s Pet Anne gets the “First Date Manifesto” from J.D. and Teresa. Here are the rules: don’t over-drink (I’ve broken that one), don’t overshare (don’t talk about ailments… what?), don’t bring up an ex. On the date, Anne and Dennis flirt about peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and awkward pauses. It’s cuter than it sounds. Also, I’d just like to point out that I’ve broken at least two of those rules on every good first date I’ve ever been on. Here’s what the acceptable topics of conversation are, according to the Idiot Twins: work, hobby, families, compliments. This all sounds very dull. Oh! J.D. and Teresa have given Anne permission to kiss on the first date! Bring out the trumpets. They creepily make her simulate the pre-kiss moment with J.D. Yay! After lots of cute banter, Dennis and Anne kiss. Despite my better judgment, it is a little cute.
The women write in journals: Michelle refuses to settle, Asslissa doesn’t understand why she hasn’t found the right guy yet, Kris isn’t sure how to get serious about dating, and Anne is happy with her progress but “now comes the hard part: I have to wait for him to call.” OR YOU COULD JUST CALL HIM!
Next time: the girls have to go on blindfolded dates. Asslissa makes out with Alessandro. I drink, heavily.
Comments? Email me at Leila@realityshack.com. For more pop-culture overanalysis, check out my blog at http://leilalovestelevision.blogspot.com.
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