Jonathan Gets Lei’d – Blow Out 3, Episode 6 by Jill
Aloha!
“Oh my God, you guys, can you believe that we’re in Hawaii? How amazing is that?” Jonathan screams to manager Rob Lee and Jonathan Product VPs Tina and Beth Ann, the unfortunate members of Team Jonathan who are stuck inside a limousine with him. And, as Jonathan tells us, it’s important they’re all there together, not just because it’s the launch of the shower filter, but because he’s “on a mission…a mission of hair.” Cue the music. He and his team are at the start of their Hawaiian journey, where Jonathan will be making a series of public appearances to share his expertise on hair. They arrive at their first destination, a Hawaiian morning talk show in the nick of time, with just two minutes to spare before going live.
“Everybody always gets a little scared when I’m coming around…’how’s my hair look?’” Jonathan says, attempting to charm the show hostess. Fortunately for Tina and Beth Ann, who are probably footing the bill for this trip, Jonathan remembers why he’s there and mentions that he’ll be at Sephora the next day and reminds everyone out there watching to come on down.
“How was my hair on camera?” he asks Tina when the taping is over. “Was it pouffy?”
Perhaps. But nothing a little breakfast can’t cure, which next on the agenda. Over a plate of bacon that belongs to Tina, Jonathan and company talk about their next stop, Sephora, and the casting call they’ll be holding there for hair models. Jonathan will need to select a total of five women from a group of ten that have been assembled. When the group arrives at Sephora, it’s a task he’s quick to take on.
“I just need to look at everyone’s hair,” Jonathan says as he starts fondling heads. “No names, Beth Ann, just hair,” he commands when Beth Ann dares to introduce one of the women as Jennifer. The models humor Jonathan who eventually selects the women he’ll need for the hair show the next day where he’ll share with the world his message of “drama-free hair in Hawaii.”
“People don’t realize that hair has a, has a voice. You gotta listen to the hair, the hair talks to you, you know? It doesn’t say it loud, but if you listen really close, it talks.” Right.
Too bad Jonathan’s hair, though, doesn’t seem to be whispering reassuring sweet-nothings into his head as it comes time to get ready for the show. Aided by stylists Olivier and Erica, Jonathan starts to show signs of stress, asking all those backstage to gather in a circle, close their eyes and take a deep breath. “Everybody wants to see good hair. You know, when we look in the mirror, and our hair looks bad, we kind of feel weird. But we look in the mirror and our hair looks good and we know how we feel. Good. So that’s how we want to feel out there,” he says aloud to the group, clearly trying to reassure himself of why there’s a huge crowd gathered in the mall’s atrium to see him.
“Aloha, Jonathan,” the crowd yells after he’s introduced by Miss Hawaii. Inexplicably dressed in long pants, a long sleeved shirt, tie and a suit jacket (um, Jonathan, it’s Hawaii? And, um, it’s clearly pretty warm outside…and inside for that matter), Jonathan begins to sweat uncontrollably and fumble when he begins to address the attendees.
“Let’s, ah, um, hello? Um, first of all, thank you so much—and now I’m going to get really hot— all this sweating, I’m a wee bit dizzy up here. This is what happens when you’re not a performer. All of the sudden, you start looking around and you’re just like ‘okay.’ Am I about to pass out in front of all these people? Is anyone else in here warm?” The verbal diarrhea seems unstoppable, much to the visible dismay of Tina, Beth Ann and the assembled masses. Fortunately, after replenishing with a bottle of (non-Beauty) water, Jonathan is able to regain his composure, wade through the small puddles of perspiration that have formed around him and, as usual, dazzle his followers with his helpful hints for great hair.
“At the end of the day, it’s about ‘do you have great f*&#$n’ hair,’ man? That’s what it’s all about.” That and returning to the mainland to get back in his salons, be with his family and cut some hair, which Jonathan does after wrapping up his stint in Hawaii with a meet-and-greet at the Sephora store itself.
“I got to tell you, man, it ain’t easy turning somebody from an assistant into a professional,” Jonathan confesses. Today is the first day as official hair stylists for recently-promoted Scott and Clarissa. And just to be sure things are going smoothly, Jonathan decides to check in on both of them, starting with Scott in the Beverly Hills salon.
“I’m not, um, sure what I’m doing,” Scott admits to Jonathan as he lays out his equipment. But luckily for Scott, Jonathan has anticipated this and convinced “a babe” named Lauren to let Scott cut her hair. An interesting choice, this “babe,” given Scott’s openly gay and probably wouldn’t view Lauren quite that way, but this detail seems to have slipped Jonathan’s mind. Lauren and Scott are introduced and spend her entire haircut trying to convince each other that everything’s going to be okay. Really.
“I’m not worried, he (Jonathan) said that you’re good,” Lauren repeats.
“If it get really quiet, don’t get nervous,” Scott warns.
“Getting a haircut, it can be very traumatic if it’s bad,” Lauren cautions.
“This’ll be a good, good clean cut for you,” Scott pledges timidly.
And it is – gorgeous, beautiful and wonderful. When the hair cut is over, both Lauren and Scott are pleased with the results.
“I just left Scott at Beverly Hills…started him on his first haircut ever as a professional, licensed hair stylist. So Scott and Clarissa are hair stylists. Today is their first day as professionals. Now, on to the next—Clarissa,” Jonathan babbles en route to West Hollywood. Clarissa, though, is lucky and doesn’t have the same nervous energy that plagued Scott. Her client, Kristen, is also clearly more relaxed than Lauren, leaving Clarissa’s biggest challenge to try and deflect prying, busybody stylists Bill and Caroline, who keep bringing up the fact this her first day, and first haircut, while she works. But like Scott, Clarissa does a “beautiful job,” says her customer when her cut is done.
Which is good, since Jonathan’s attention seems to be more focused on checking his my space “thing” rather than Clarissa’s well-being. But given his lack of technical expertise, he needs Rosie to show him how to navigate his way around the site, which is important because he’s given the URL out to his golf buddies in case they need to reach him. How 21st century. Although it would probably be more effective if Jonathan understood how to check it himself…
After spending some quality time with a new client with whom Jonathan discusses everything from fitness to freezing eggs, he takes a moment to unnecessarily wander around his Beverly Hills salon, supposedly checking everything out to be sure it’s up to Jonathan standards.
“I definitely take a lot of pride in my salons,” Jonathan says after examining track lighting and the awning outside the door. “This is a place people come to feel beautiful. Sort of a type of sanctuary, if you will. And everything needs to reinforce that idea, from the curling irons to the light bulbs. You think I run a tight ship? Maybe so.”
And we all know that running a tight ship often leads to an uptight Jonathan. Off he heads to visit with therapist Dr. Doric George.
“It’s been, ah, it’s been a crazy month,” Jonathan warns. “I’ve come into this new thing about not trying to become a great father but rather just being…you know, I definitely understood that he was my son, but I didn’t really feel like I was his father. You know what I mean?”
Lucky baby Asher. Jonathan has had a huge revelation and I have, too - that Asher’s first steps will probably be into the office of Dr. Doric, given his father’s mindset.
“Like I just didn’t feel, like, a father,” Jonathan confesses to his therapist. Maybe it has something to do with loving the smell of hair product?
“I’ve always acted like I was very capable and never quite felt so capable,” Jonathan professes, the tears beginning to flow. “I’m starting to feel capable. I am. I work very hard at teaching people in the right way. My assistants at my salons and, just recently, I, ah, awarded two assistants with their business cards. Um, and it was kind of a heavy thing for me because I remember when I became a hair stylist, it was like ‘whoa,’ you know? That was a heavy moment for me, you know? Just the fact that anyone wants to learn from me, and anyone wants to work for me, and, that’s, ah, whoa, that’s a pretty good feeling, but, oh, it’s deep-rooted for me, it’s like ‘whoa,’ you know, all the way down to here. It’s a good day today, you know, I’ve done good and I, ah, just want to thank you for that, you know? We did good, we did good helping me.”
Mahalo, Dr. Doric, mahalo.
Comments on Blow Out? Email me at jill@realityshack.com.
Want to read more of my musings? Visit my blog at www.shelikestoeatthedirt.blogspot.com.
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