Beauty Water, Bacardi and Bangladesh – Blow Out 3, Episode Five by Jill
It seems to be a morning just like any other in Jonathan’s world.
“I got to get to Beverly Hills, I got hair to do…major issues,” he says hurriedly, rushing around his house dramatically. Goodness, gracious, what’s got Jonathan so riled up? He’s just wrapped up his recent appearance on QVC and, more likely than not, has already had a good cry in the last 24 hours about how difficult it is to be him—what on earth could be making him seem even more emotional today than he usually is? Fortunately for us, Jonathan can’t contain the reason much longer.
“Silky Dirt, dude.”
Ahh, that crazy Jonathan! Giddy with excitement, Jonathan pulls a small tube out of his jacket pocket, our first look at the newest addition to the already super-selling Jonathan Product line—Silky Dirt. And, to really underscore just how big a deal Silky Dirt is, Jonathan just can’t resist telling us viewers that Jonathan Product VP Tina, well, Tina’d just FREAK if she knew we had gotten wind of the existence of Silky Dirt.
“BANG-la-desh,” Jonathan says, applying Silky Dirt to his own head. Wow…who knew that in addition to doing great hair that Jonathan was such a wiz with geography and able to morph the name of this South Asian country into slang? What a wordsmith!
“Bottom line is you want to be dirty, or you want to be silky, or you want to be silky and dirty at the same time,” Jonathan explains as he tucks the tube of Silky Dirt back into his jacket. Funny – I never had the urge to actually be silky or dirty. But now, after having watched Jonathan fondle the packaging and speak of the product so lovingly, I actually feel both. I guess it really is amazing what a little bit of Silky Dirt can do.
But Jonathan has no more time to marvel at his Silky Dirt or his reflection—it’s time for him to make his way to his Beverly Hills salon, where he has a ton to do, not to mention a client actually waiting for his infamous long-layered haircut. But before he can get to that, he needs to poll his stylists to be sure they watched him on QVC, of which none of them did. Bad stylists – no Silky Dirt for you!
After completing a “sexy, beautiful, all-about-you-being-able-to-do-it” haircut, with assistance from Scott in Clarissa’s place (she’s out for the day), Jonathan makes it known that he needs to call Bacardi. The rum maker has contacted Jonathan to see if he’d be available to work on their upcoming advertising campaign for Bacardi Limόn. It will involve creating three different looks – one for a Miami setting, one for a New York setting and one for a Los Angeles setting – to highlight the versatility and mass appeal of their tasty beverage. And despite the tight timeline (Jonathan has to fly to Hawaii immediately following the shoot), it’s simply an opportunity he’s unable to resist. In his own words, he tells the representative from Bacardi on the phone that he’s ready to “rock you guys some genius hair.” As if he’s rock anything less.
“When I hear of a great hair opportunity, it’s kind of like Batman, when they shine that light up into the clouds,” Jonathan explains. “You know, it’s like the hair signal and my sensors, ‘beep, beep, beep,’ go off, you gotta go and do the hair! Listen, I just finished QVC, and was on my way to Sephora…for me to squeeze in a Bacardi advertising campaign is crazy. But I had to do it because I knew it’s gonna be great hair.” Finally! I now understand what Batman was carrying around all these years in his tool belt—he, like Jonathan, must have been doing great hair!
The following day, Jonathan is in his West Hollywood salon when he receives a phone call from his manager, Rob Lee. Rob has talked to Scott at Zorbit who, despite Jonathan’s temper tantrums and histrionics, has another packaging idea for Beauty Water that he’d like to share. Jonathan stubbornly declares he’ll package his own Beauty Water, an idea that Rob is fortunately able to coax him out of following through on. The two make arrangements to meet with Scott again, with Rob gently suggesting to Jonathan that he “be open-minded, okay?”
At Zorbit, Jonathan is rendered speechless. The first time, it’s due to anger—Scott presents yet another box concept, which visibly fills Jonathan with frustration, then rage. But order is restored when Scott is allowed to actually OPEN the box and show Jonathan what’s inside – a smaller box with two contrasting flaps that open to reveal Jonathan Product Beauty Water. The box is decorated with rock imagery and Jonathan Product branding. It seems as though Scott has literally created the most beautiful box in the world.
“This is f*&#@n’ unbelievable,” Jonathan cries, literally, to Scott, who’s struggling to keep from smirking during this touching moment. Crisis averted. And just in time, too, because tonight’s West Hollywood cutting class will be led by Jonathan and, unbeknownst to his students until that night, will be the final exam for assistants Clarissa and Scott.
“Jonathan, like, looking over my shoulder is so nerve-wracking,” Clarissa says while trying to remain calm during class. Her sentiments are echoed by Scott, who says, “I was, like, oh my God, this is going to be a disaster.”
And who wouldn’t feel that way? As Clarissa and Scott struggle to keep their cool, Jonathan tells them to stop and switch scissors and models. The two will now need to finish the haircuts the other started while not only being harassed by Jonathan, but by the other stylists whom he’s invited to watch. Jonathan explains, using an odd sports analogy that doesn’t quite fit, that there are things you need to be able to do to be a good stylist, describing “if you can imagine playing in the US Open, with someone else’s equipment, that would pretty much right there throw your whole game off and make you freak out and have a heart attack. That’s what I need to know, that people can handle that when they’re on my floor, cutting hair. If you can’t, find somewhere else to work.” Four!
Fortunately for both assistants, and both hair models, all emerge unscathed and Clarissa and Scott are rewarded with their own, official Jonathan Salon business cards. Now they, too, can join the ranks of other stylists who inexplicably command upwards of $200 for a hair cut.
But there’s little time to celebrate – Jonathan needs Clarissa to help him out at the Bacardi shoot the next day. Too bad she’s of little use correcting his pronunciation of the word “Limόn” before Jonathan meets with the three Bacardi executives—Celio, Claudio and Maria—all of whom are quick to correct him. Repeatedly. But there’s no time to dwell on Jonathan’s grammatical shortcoming, as they have three looks to complete and Jonathan has a plane to catch.
“You know, doing jobs today, especially big jobs like Bacardi, are completely different than it used to be for me, because it’s a big deal for me to do absolutely f*&#^n’ perfect work every time I’m out there because it’s my name on the line and there is no second chance,” Jonathan reminds us. In case we had forgotten, since last week, how hard it is to be him.
Time for the first look – Miami. And Jonathan thinks that, “Bacardi Limόn would be served better by a side part, slicked back into a bun.” Um, okay…whatever that means. Although the final style looks nothing like what Jonathan had originally described, its still “bangin’,” per the photographer, nonetheless. The Miami pictures go off without a hitch.
But the New York look is a different story and not going nearly as smoothly. It’s taking the model a bit longer than Jonathan would like for her to remove her makeup from the Miami shoot and he’s growing impatient. Not only that, but the wardrobe for the shoot has changed, meaning Jonathan now needs to adjust the style he had planned on doing. He argues with Daniela, a brand representative from Bacardi Limόn about what’s best, rejecting her suggestions of an up do and a straight hair look. But, in an attempt to keep the peace and keep the shoot on schedule, he concedes to work with the latter style…for now. But once Daniela’s out of sight, Jonathan quickly changes his mind and goes a different direction instead—the New York look is now “a faux hawk into a woven ponytail.”
“At the end of the day, it just, boom, came to me like that, and that’s how great hairstyles happen,” Jonathan says about his faux hawk. The New York pictures are wrapped soon after and Jonathan basks in compliments given to him by the photographer on the set.
“BANG-la-desh, dude,” Jonathan says instead of a simple thank you. While the photographer laughs awkwardly, there’s little time for him to delve into deciphering whatever Jonathan really means by that – it’s time to head to the roof for the last shoot of the day, the Los Angeles look. And the conditions there aren’t looking too good – there’s lots of wind blowing that could compromise the quality of hair. Oh, and of the pictures, too.
“Well, I’m just Jonathan Antin, not Mother Nature, you know what I mean?” Jonathan says when he’s warned about the weather. He’s got bigger issues to worry about – like only having 30 minutes to get the model’s hair styled in a “Hollywood classic, finger wave, Veronica Lake look,” something that normally takes a minimum of two hours to look right. But, fortunately for Bacardi, Jonathan’s up to the challenge.
The clock is ticking…Jonathan’s only got about 90 seconds, he says, before he’s got to hop on a plane to head to Hawaii for his shower filter debut. Under the watchful eyes of the Bacardi executives, Jonathan scrambles to finish the style and, unsuccessfully, to not continue butchering the “Limόn” portion of the Bacardi name. And, although “it’s hard to do a finger wave in seconds,” Jonathan comes through. The hair done, he’s off to the airport.
“I am so fried right now… I just finished Bacardi Limόn and it was just insane,” Jonathan says on his way to LAX. “I mean, it was really insane… just grinding out the hardest hairstyle to do in the world in fifteen minutes, a finger wave. By the way, no one in the world can do it in fifteen minutes like I can. And I just want you to know… I’m out… it’s like, I’m crazy right now.” He arrives at the airport and exits the car, leaving us with these sweet, parting words:
“Just in case any of you motherf*&#@$s out there are keeping score, its bad hair, zero, Jonathan, one million.” BANG-la-desh.
Comments on Blow Out? Email me at jill@realityshack.com.
Want to read more of my musings? Visit my blog at www.shelikestoeatthedirt.blogspot.com.
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