Starting Over 3, 4/3 - 4/7 – The Drunken Escapadeby LauraBelle
Monday
As expected, Lisa1 comes back to the Starting Over house to find out if she'll graduate or not. She seems so much different than the Lisa1 we've watched all year. She seems just so much more confident and together. And yes, she seems like a grownup. Rhonda talks to her in Group, and asks what she's lying about, and Lisa says nothing. Asked how she'll feel if she finds out she won't be graduating, Lisa1 says she would be incredibly hurt, but she would go on. Based on that, Rhonda tells her she is graduating, and Andy Paige makes a quick entrance to squire Lisa1 out for a makeover.
Jodi has a really bad day today. So bad, I think I might even hear the Daniel Powter song, Bad Day in the background. She wakes up sick, and Kelly for one is irritated that Jodi keeps going on and on about it. Jodi brings Christie with her for a walk with her Curves personal trainer, hoping the outside fresh air will improve her mood. It doesn't.
Back at the house, Jodi meets with Iyanla who isn't very happy with her. She had previously shown Jodi a video of her first day in the Starting Over house, and showed her how arrogant she was. With the electric fence exercise the day before, Iyanla thought she saw more of the same. Jodi wants to be done with all this, and feels like she's losing part of what makes her ... Jodi.
As if all that wasn't bad enough, it's weigh-in day with Jodi's nutritionist. She put back on the one pound she lost, and admits that she cheated with a big plate of pasta, cookies and french fries. The nutritionist tells her she is never going to lose weight that way, and asks if it will help Jodi if she checks in every night to discuss what she'll eat the next day. Nope! Jodi will not go for losing that control. Talking to Iyanla later, Jodi gets more of the same. Iyanla takes her to task for refusing to keep a food diary, and tells her children cheat, and adults honor their commitments. Hmmm. I've got an almost-thirteen-year-old that I think needs to hear that.
As Lisa1's graduation time nears, just as we'd hoped, we are visited by some ex-housemates – Jill, Jessica and TJ. Lisa1 looks gorgeous and ... grown up. She has quite the stylish new 'do. Rhonda takes us all down memory lane describing all of Lisa1's struggles in the house, but tells her she now really has started over. Iyanla doesn't reminisce, but tells her she hopes she always remembers she is that woman she wants to be. Dr. Stan tells Lisa1 in all his years of psychotherapy, he never saw a forty-year-old woman in a baby-doll dress, and after that, he thought it just may be over. He knew Lisa was changing when she learned she had a problem with persevering.
The only housemate we hear from, old or new, is Jill. She doesn't crack jokes as she normally would, but says she hopes they will all grow old together, and look back on this and laugh. Lisa1 is given a new dining room set and her trophy. She worked hard for it, and I'm sure it means a lot to her. She says she thought her life was over when she first came to the Starting Over house, but now she thinks it finally just begun. Later, as she leaves, she says the Starting Over women all bond, as they all know where each other is coming from. What she doesn't know is that we all know where they are coming from as well.
It looks like a two-Kleenex box day tomorrow as the housemate is apparently there healing the loss of her young daughter in a car accident. I'm bracing myself.
Tuesday
It was indeed the two-Kleenex box day I was anticipating. It's hard to even remember what else happened in the day, as that was all just so stunning and overwhelming. The only other housemate that was focused on was Christie, as Rhonda had her meet with two other women who had plastic surgery. One of them had been heavy in her life, and had plastic surgery after she lost the weight, like Christie. She is still considering more. The other woman had a nose job to fix what is nearly undetectable on her old pictures, a tiny bump on her nose. The plastic surgeon screwed it up, and she had to keep getting it redone, kind of like Christie and her arms. She has struggled with learning when to stop. Christie learned a lot from these women, and found herself thinking they are beautiful as they are. By the time she meets with Rhonda later in the day, Christie said she felt like she was the one counseling the other two women, that their bodies weren't that important, and they should accept and stop where they are now. Quite the turnaround for her.
As cool as it was to see Christie make that huge step, it was even more stunning to sit and listen to Bethany's story. Bethany is the newest housemate. In Group with Rhonda and Iyanla, she explains her story. When she was 20, she had gotten pregnant. After the birth of her daughter, Shelby, her boyfriend had an emotional breakdown. By the time Shelby was eight months old, Bethany and her boyfriend split up, with Bethany and Shelby moving in with her parents.
When Shelby was thirteen months old, Bethany asked her ex to terminated his parental rights, as he wasn't spending time with her, and wasn't paying child support. He did. She went on to get her teaching degree, and teaches second grade, and now has a new boyfriend as well. She and Shelby were very close to her sister and parents. Bethany and her sister enjoyed being moms together.
Bethany's mom goes down to visit her own mother every summer. Bethany's sister drives her down, and Bethany and Shelby then drive down later to pick her mother up and bring her back home. This past summer, on the way back home, Bethany and her friend were in the front seat, her mother and Shelby in the back seat. An elderly man crossed the median, and ran into her car. Shelby and her grandmother were thrown from the car. Bethany and her friend suffered vertebrae and femur injuries respectively, and Bethany's mother suffered numerous injuries, landing her in intensive care for two weeks. At the hospital, Bethany found Shelby wasn't going to make it, and called to have family, friends, and even her ex, come and save goodbye to her.
It's been only a few months, and it's still obviously early in Bethany's grieving process. She tried to go back to work, but it was hard being around other children. she wants to learn to get on with her life. Really, how the hell can you? Looking around at the faces at the others in the room, the mothers are simply beside themselves. And even the non-parents are in just as much ... shock.
It is just so hard to hear this story. Christie put it best, and said it makes her worries of her body seem so small, and she has a feeling everyone there will learn a lot from this story. As for myself, I agree. It certainly put the argument I had with my son that morning in perspective, as I was still angry at him. But, damn, he's alive. I can still kiss him and my daughter to sleep every night. I don't know when I have ever felt luckier.
Later Rhonda, who will be Bethany's coach (why does Rhonda currently have four people she's in charge of, and Iyanla only two?), meets with Bethany and tells her she isn't going to set any steps for her just yet. She wants to give her time to settle in. Bethany admits to placing a lot of blame on her mother. Rhonda asks if it's because Shelby wasn't wearing a seat belt, and Shelby admits she wasn't, but says she blames her mom for having her drive down there every summer. But I can't get past the seat belt thing. Since Bethany seemed not upset by it, was it a normal occurrence? I keep thinking of the old Ann Landers (or was it Dear Abby?) column, the letter from the paramedic said he had never unbuckled a dead baby. I take that to heart as a parent.
Wednesday
Iyanla has Lisa take swimming lessons today, and she's not very happy about it. But first, Iyanla has her take Kim with her to shop for a new swimsuit, which is the first time Lisa has put one on in fifteen years. Back at the house later, it was a nice young man giving her the lessons, so it couldn't have been too bad. But she sputtered in the water every time he would have her try to float.
Lisa has to list all her fears for Iyanla later, and comes up with thirty-two of them. Thirty-two reasons that stop her from achieving what she wants. Iyanla makes Lisa get in the pool to show her what she's learned, asking her to swim across the pool. Iyanla then starts throwing big beach balls at her, which are her obstacles. It keeps stopping Lisa, and not allowing her to finish. In the midst of all this, Iyanla throws in thirty-two smaller balls that have Lisa's fears written on them. Lisa keeps fighting, and fighting to get them out of the way. Iyanla throws her a raft, and tells her to take it easy, relax, and not worry about her fears. When Lisa opens her eyes, she finds she made it across the pool. She finished something, because she wasn't allowing herself to worry about everything else. She stopped fighting it.
In Group, Iyanla talks about aging. She points out all the different stages of womanhood, by looking at the ages of the women in the house. 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, and says when women become older, like 60 or 70, they become wise women, and it is their job to teach the younger women. Iyanla's belief is that every woman should have a wise woman to talk to and help guide her. She instructs all the women to go to a resale shop today, buy clothing that matches the type of woman they think they'll be in their 70s, and write a manuscript of themselves at 70, what they think their life will be like at that point. The women will present their 70 year old alter egos to Iyanla later tonight.
Rhonda is wondering if this is all happening too soon for Bethany. She just lost her daughter a few months ago. Bethany admits to wondering the same thing, and asks Rhonda if this is the right place for her to be. Rhonda, wisely, (she's not even 70, and she's already a wise woman) tells her only she can answer that.
Noticing that Kelly doesn't have any wise women in her life to turn to, Rhonda has her meet two wise women at a coffee shop, and interview them. One is in her 70s, the other in her 80s. They talk about relationships, their husbands, their children. One woman says she married the love of her life, and the other admits to settling, even though she loved her husband very much. Kelly asks what the most important things were that they taught their children, and also what really matters in life. Both agree that happiness, and the love of their children are the most important. Kelly opens up about her own fears about her relationship with her boys, and these wise women tell her not to beat herself up over it. She needs to be happy with who she is. Kelly also calls her mom, and asks her the same questions. She is astonished to find herself realizing her mom was stronger by admitting herself into the hospital, not weak.
All the women present themselves as 70 year old women to Iyanla that night. Some of them are dressed in moomoos, and some are dressed in sequiny snappy little outfits. You can tell from these monologues that some of them still don't get it, yet some are clearly on their way.
It's after this that the big problem creeps up, one that we'll hear about the rest of the week, and I suspect even longer. The women drink margueritas and have quite a good time of it. Christie gets pissed, feeling like she's not being supported, and goes to bed early. Kim is very drunk, although, at least she's a happy drunk. She lays underneath the table talking, slurs her words, and jumps into bed, and falls off. Christie is seething.
Thursday
The next morning, the drunken escapades the night before are still the big talk. Christie is still seething, and feeling like the women all broke a commitment they made to support her in her sobriety. The other women are laughing about the fun they had, and Kim admits to blacking out, and not remembering much after she came inside, including falling off the bed.
While everyone else is still reminiscing, Christie leaves early, as she has an appointment for a consultation with a plastic surgeon. She admits to mixed feelings. At one point she really wanted it, and now she's not too sure. The plastic surgeon lookd at her arm, and gives her two choices. She could just do a little surgery to lessen the scar, or they could do a ballooning thing where they stretch the existing skin out, and then wrap it around to cover the affected area. Christie leaves more confused on this than ever.
Once Christie arrives back home, Rhonda leads Group, and wants to talk bout self-acceptance. This is perfect for Christie today, as she is excited to tell everyone she actually got into a bra and panties at the doctor's office. Normally she changes into her sports bra and shorts, to hide her body, but this time she didn't care. It's certainly a perfect example of self-acceptance. She also talks about the drunken evening everyone else participated in the night before. Rhonda pretty much tells her if she's going to lead a sober life, she has to learn some acceptance of others and drinking.
At the end of the Group, Rhonda announces there's another Board of Review tonight. I know one of them has to be Lisa, as she has to be close to graduating. But I can't make up mind who the other should be. I think the other will be Christie or Jodi. Christie's been doing some amazing work this week, and Jodi kind of needs a comeuppance.
Iyanla asks Lisa to drag out her old landscape, the one she worked on in her first few days at the house. Just seeing it again reminds me how far she's come. She must be graduating tonight. Iyanla goes through and starts plucking off all the old flags Lisa had planted on it, as they don't represent her anymore. She asks her to make up all new landmarks, and referring to Lisa's life as a "battle", she has her make a "shield", and reminds her that everyone needs allies in their battle.
Iyanla turns her attention on Jodi, and wants to see the love letter she has written for herself today. She's a little dismayed to find her avoiding that, and comforting Christie instead. Jodi starts offering other excuses to why she's not done with her assignment, and I have to admit, she's starting to sound a little like Lisa1. Iyanla explains it's yet another broken commitment. This is the true reason why she hasn't gotten married or had kids. Those are broken commitments to herself. As she is told to write down all her broken commitments and dreams, Jodi starts crying saying she's afraid to take off the mask.
Friday
Another Friday, and another Board of Review. Personally, I like the weekly BORs; it's like a reminder on how everyone is doing, although I recognize there isn't always significant changes to applaud or warnings to make.
Jodi is called up first. Saying she is there to fill her empty cup, Iyanla asks how it got empty. Jodi explains it's largely because of a disconnect between her head and her heart, but she does feel she is now experiencing the connection. She knows she still needs to work on peeling off more layers of the mask, but says it's hard since she's been wearing it since she was 6 years old. Jodi also admits to not committing fully to things so that it will give her "wiggle room" to get out of things. Iyanla points out that she gave Jodi the opportunity to do whatever she wanted with the plaster mask of her face, and she decided to keep it. She could have thrown it away or smashed it. It was her choice.
Jodi thinks she deserves a B, since she still hasn't give up the mask, but her housemates all realize Jodi is secretly expecting an A. Her housemates also recognize the work she has been doing, such as forgiving her father, but also feel she needs to "just let it go." Iyanla wants to know why Jodi is here at the Starting Over house, and Jodi says she was lost before she came. Iyanla still hasn't seen the honesty or vulnerability out of Jodi that she wants. Jodi pleads for help, and says she can't do it on her own. Telling her she needs to get humble, Iyanla throws her a C, and tells her, "You have just been helped." Ouch!
Christie is the next up for review, and admits she can see the changes in herself, especially lately, realizing that her plastic surgery wishes were only another addiction. She's afraid to go home now, as she doesn't know how she will handle her addictions on her own. She knows she has done good work letting go of her anger, especially with her mother, and feeling compassion, but fears being tempted with her addiction to relationships that validate her.
Christie would give herself an A, because she has been trying very hard, and has been being very vulnerable. All her housemates recognize her hard work and the changes she has made as well. Rhonda says since she is afraid of going home, that she is going to trigger Christie like she has never been triggered before. Yikes. I don't know about Christie, but I'd be worried! She also gives her that A she felt she deserved.
The housemates are all admonished for the drinking episode the night before. Iyanla and Rhonda seem to feel it was wrong on so many levels. For one, they weren't being very supportive of Christie who is trying very hard to maintain that sobriety. For another, they feel that they are wasting their time, not being open and available with all of their day, spending some of it drunk or with a hangover.
Attention turns to Kim, and Rhonda flat out tells her, that as someone who is 18 years sober, if Kim would have come into their shared room falling down drunk, the way she did with Christie, she would have been pissed. Everyone admits to not confronting Kim about her drinking, but all admit to having concerns. As an alcoholic herself, Christie believes she has seen Kim "hide" her alcohol in regular cups instead of wine glasses. Considering Kim has concern about the drinking that her husband does, it's confusing to why she is doing this as well. It seems to have gone beyond casual drinking, but Kim stills sees it that way. The housemates are told to get rid of every bit of alcohol in the house, and put it out at the curb immediately after BOR. Again, ouch!
And one more review, Lisa. She knows she is doing everything well, and has made many changes. She is now accepting herself, she is no longer fighting herself, and she is now taking risks. Asked what her biggest risk has been, I expected Lisa to say jumping in the pool, but instead she says it was telling her story, as she had never told it to anyone before, not even her family. Iyanla has her repeat a series of statements such as, "I ruined my sense of self." "I have created a clear vision of myself." And finallly, "I am ready, willing, and able to graduate." I don't know if there's ever been anyone more ready to graduate.
After the BOR is very telling. The women all get together and get rid of the alcohol in the house, and Kim acts very odd with this, very nonchalant, and with those wide open eyes. It's like it's back to her childhood years of not dealing with anything in the face of adversity, and back to not feeling her emotions. She claims to have no problem with not drinking, but the next few days should be even more telling.
Jodi is flat out rocked. She expected to graduate last week, expected an A tonight, and now she has received a C. After so many successes in her professional life, this is something she clearly doesn't know how to deal with. Kelly cuts through it all and tells her that the reason she is rocked is because it's the first time the other roommates have been allowed into her process. She can't keep the mask on, as she's been outed. While everyone else sits upstairs in one of the bedrooms helping Lisa create her shield, Jodi sits outside by herself smoking and pouting.
You can email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
Read an interview with graduate Jill Tracey hereJill's Interview
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