Interview With Jill Tracey of Starting Overby LauraBelle
Sometimes people become so much a part of my enjoyment of a show, it's hard when they leave. I loved Jill Tracey on Starting Over this season, and secretly and selfishly didn't want her to graduate. She could be tender when she needed to be, and hysterically funny when we needed her to be. From her first moment in the diary room on the show, she had me laughing, and I admit to rewinding my TIVO several times to hear it. After meeting TJ, who was a little over-the-top at times, Jill said in her confessional, "Bitch, shut up!" Maybe it's one of those "had to be there" things, but I knew then she was going to completely entertain me for the next few months. What I wasn't counting on, though, was the tender side that we saw. As, by the end of the TJ's time on the show, Jill was referring to her as a best friend.
Jill came to the Starting Over house to escape her mother, and also wished to lose a little of the extra weight she was carrying. By the time she left, she lost weight and all her baggage, and gained a new respect and understanding for her mother, along with the hope of reuniting with her father. Jill's life coach, Iyanla Vanzant, told Jill from her first day on the show that she knew who she was. And Iyanla, as always, was right. She gave Jill a wide assortment of "baggage" one day – luggage, hat boxes, backpacks, etc. Jill had to pack up clothing in them, and label them with the issues in her life that she had been unsuccessfully avoiding.
Jill's "baggage" became the perfect metaphor for what had been holding her back her whole life. I was lucky enough to interview Jill recently, and the first thing I had to know about was her "baggage." I asked if she'd be coming out with her own line of luggage, and she wondered if she should, as she now knows an awful lot about baggage.
After only carrying the baggage with her for a short time, Jill had just decided one day to be "done" with carrying it all. She unceremoniously dumped it around the area of the garbage outside. I asked Jill if she was really expecting to be done with it, or did she know that Iyanla was never going to let her get away with that. She told me she agonized over that decision. "It really started when I went up to the garden for that exercise and I was carrying the bags up that narrow staircase and started thinking, this is the lesson. That this is what my life looks like on the outside. If I really want to change it, I have to drop the baggage. In a sense it was true, but you don't get rid of YEARS of baggage by just dropping them somewhere, and as you saw, I left them everywhere!!!"
Jill realized it was a pattern in her life, dumping her baggage everywhere. She is most grateful for that exercise, but admits when Iyanla asked her to pack them up again, "I was pissed!!!" And, of course, that wasn't the end of it. Iyanla gave her even more baggage, showing her that when you avoid your problems like that, you create more.
It was just the beginning of the "conflama" on the show for Jill. Jill created this word be combining "conflict" and "drama". Everyone that watches Starting Over knows it is ripe with all sorts of conflama. Jill said it was just so much a part of her life and every else's. "That we had just this constant conflict going on within ourselves and with others, which of course leads to all sorts of drama ... hence Conflama!" Jill even set up an online shop selling t-shirts and mousepads with different conflama themes. You can check it out at Jill's Joy Shop
Very early in Jill's time on the show, perhaps even in the first few days, she discussed an incident she had had with shoplifting in 1997. Jill says it wasn't the first time she shoplifted, but it was the first time she was caught. "That was a self-inflicted wound rooted in a growing feeling of unworthiness. We knew I wasn't a kleptomaniac; it was self-sabotage. It was part of my story because I felt that was the beginning of my fall from grace and sanity as it were. It was part of the self-sabotaging behaviors I developed, and we really worked on why I was self-sabotaging and how to move to a place of respecting and honoring my life." Iyanla did do a lot of focusing on the self-sabotage idea, but for some reason, the thought of Jill shoplifting wasn't really mentioned after those first few days.
To get Jill on the sticks with getting to the heart of her issues of self-sabotage, Iyanla had her "indicted" for failure to live an unfulfilling life. It was such a creative way to go about getting through the issues. Later Jill was put through a real hearing, in a real court room with lawyers, and a judge, Della Reese. When I asked if Jill had expected it to lead to all that, she said, "Lord NO! You know I thought it would be like Board or Review, or by the pool like graduation or something. I was completely blown away!" As were we! And it certainly drove the point home when Miss Reese said Jill wouldn't be allowed to graduate until she found a job, went on a date, and made contact with her birth father.
Before the trial started, Jill was talking with her mother about difficulties she faced while growing up. Her mother seemed a little bit in denial about some of the things she faced while growing up. She made mention that she had thought Jill had had a perfect childhood, and didn't realize Jill didn't love herself. Jill pointed out the constant dieting and quitting of high school should have been her mother's first clues that things weren't all that perfect. I asked Jill if she felt her mother, Lynda, was in denial somewhat, and she agreed, feeling her mother ignored a lot of what with going on with Jill between the ages of sixteen through nineteen. "She was in a new relationship, and I was getting more and more ... I don't know, mean, distant, difficult ... 'cause I really just wanted some guidance, for her to TELL me what to do and STICK to her guns. And she didn't. So I just acted a fool."
Jill had told her mom that day that she intended to move away from Miami, and didn't want to hurt her. Lynda told her in return that she was afraid of dying alone. Knowing that Jill had been planning at the time of her graduation on staying there in California, I asked Jill how her mother was handling the continued separation. "She's actually handing it pretty well. I think I miss her now more that she misses me!!! She's about to move to Miami Beach and I'm going down to help her. I had hoped that she would at least let my dog, Pink, visit me in California, but they bonded so completely when I let for Starting Over, that I can FORGET that!" I don't know. Them is fighting words with me. I don't know if I could give up my dog! But I'm guessing Jill felt it was a small consolation for her mother to not feel so alone.
Yet another thing that went unanswered later in Jill's stay in the Starting Over house, was her health. While she was in the house, it was discovered that she had several tumors growing inside her. She seemed to have a different doctor's opinion every week. One felt she needed surgery within thirty days, and that she should leave the Starting Over house. Another felt her weight made it a difficult time for surgery, and felt it was more important for her to lose a little weight first. Asked what happened with all of this once she was out, Jill made a little indictment of her own against women's health care in this country.
"NO ONE really took the time to read my charts and make a diagnosis based on my history until I got to the fourth opinion at the state run hospital OliveView. Oddly enough, it was the place that people would assume you would get the worst care that I found doctors who actually took the time to see if surgery was the only option. I will have to have the surgery, but they are hoping that this Depolupron therapy will serve to shrink the tumors somewhat and make the surgery less invasive."
Twelve years ago Jill had surgery on fibroid tumors and nearly died. She wants to be sure to not enter into that dangerous territory again. "Whether I have health care of not! This is my life, and I learned so clearly through that NO ONE will ever care as much about is as you SHOULD."
One of my favorite things to see with Jill was her "authentic self" Miss Mabel, a beautiful dark mannequin that represented the true Jill, before she covered up the authenticity with her fears and self-sabotage. Interestingly enough, when Jill had enough of her housemates, it was Miss Mabel she would go talk to. Jill had to leave Miss Mabel behind when she graduated, but wished she had been able to take her with. "I miss her. She does live within, but it was powerful waking up staring at her every morning. Yeah, she helped me get clear on what's truly important in MY life."
Working on fulfilling those goals Della Reese had set forth for her, Jill made a demo tape of her on-air radio talents, and later auditioned at a jazz radio station. The night she graduated, Iyanla told her she would be interviewing again with the radio station the next day, but we never heard anymore about it. It was great news to me to know that she got that job. "I host a jazz show on Sundays, which we're about to rename Jazz and Blues Classics with Jill Tracey, from 7pm-10pm Pacific. You can listen to it all over the world at KJAZZ. I am loving it, and working on other opportunities to use my talents to create the life my soul intended!!! I prefer to never again refer to it as a job. Your life's work should make you feel blessed ... not stressed!" Amen! I have to say I tuned in to her show this week, and loved it. The blues reminded me of walking down Bourbon Street, and the jazz reminded me of my parents, who are big jazz fans.
I mentioned to Jill that she entered the house looking to seek freedom from her mother, and exited finding her father. It was an interesting turn of events. I wondered if she had ever secretly wished to meet her father someday, and she gave me a resounding NO. "I walked in that house CLEAR that I could live the rest of my life and not know my father and be quite happy. Just get me away from my mother. BOY, was I wrong!!! I left that house with such an overflowing of gratitude for my mother for putting up with my foolishness, and a willingness to commit to creating a life that ALWAYS includes her, not to mention a relationship with my father and ... oops! that's a spoiler. Well let's just say there's more to the story!" What? What? C'mon, Jill don't leave us hanging!
I got so much email the week after Jill's graduation from people asking if she ever met her dad. We had all expected to be in on that. After all, we were there! We went through all the trials and tribulations of her search, and decision to search. How could we not be included?
But I forgave all, and asked the million dollar question. Did Jill ever get to meet him? This is the little teaser she gave me, "Yes, That IS the Million Dollar Question ... Stay tuned." Oh, c'mon! I guess we'll just have to have part two of this interview after that finally airs!
I learn so much from everyone at the Starting Over house, and always like to know what the housemates feel they learned. We know the great lessons Jill learned from Iyanla. But what did she learn from Dr. Stan? "Dr. Stan showed me that Men want the same things we do. They really aren't from Mars. They aren't some foreign species. They can be warm and loving and honest, compassionate and SEXY!" You just have to love that Dr. Stan. What about Rhonda Britten? "Rhonda is a Ball of Fire! She really showed me how important it is to not be afraid to be the biggest person in the room. Rhonda really helped me accept that even if I never lost another pound I am a beautiful woman just as I am."
That would be enough to learn on its own, but Jill learned a lot from her housemates as well. "I always say that in the real world, if the six of us were standing at a bus stop, we probably wouldn't have spoken to each other. But the house made us create conversation and yes, conflama, but more importantly, we realized we are more ALIKE than not, and that there's nothing more powerful than women working together for their highest good. It was amazing." That all reminds me of the overall message of the Breakfast Club. Stuck together all Saturday, they realized they were all the same. They had the same fears, joys, etc. They really weren't that different after all.
I still miss seeing Jill on the show everyday, but at least I know now that sometime in the future we'll be treated to more of her, seeing something that happens with her and her dad. I'm kind of hoping they bring her back for some graduations as well. She gave the best speeches, leaving 'em laughing and crying as only Jill could do.
Until then, you can check in with Jill at her website Just Ask Jill.
Comments? You can email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
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