Do Lab Rats Like Cheese? – Unan1mous, Premiere by Carrie
What do you get when you take 9 extreme personalities and throw them in an underground bunker (as opposed to an above-ground bunker?) while taunting them with money? Why, you get FOX's new reality show concept of course! That's the premise of Unan1mous, the show that those of us who have been hankering for some good old fashioned reality trash TV will love, and spell-checkers simply abhor.
The show kicks off with a creepy, robotic, female voice explaining that these nine people are being led into the bunker with no idea of what lies ahead. Really? They didn't know what show they were agreeing to be on? I'm assuming they all signed contracts; what kind of moron does that? Let's find out. The contestants are:
- Richard, 42, Temp Worker (although he's listed on the website as a writer)
- Jameson, 38, Human Resources Manager
- Kelly, 49, Minister
- Jonathan, 30, Real Estate Financer
- Jamie, 24, Choreographer
- Steve, 43, Truck Driver
- Tarah, 25, Handbag Designer
- Vanessa, 36, First Grade Teacher/Soccer Mom
- Adam, 35, Professional Poker Player
As the group enters the bunker, they're all impressed with how it's set up. To me, everything seems to be gleaming in different shades of blue, and the fluorescent lighting is more than just a little creepy. One of the women remarks that there are no windows. Thanks genius – you're underground, remember? Didn't y'all have to descend some stairs or take an elevator to get down there?
The fembot voice returns and instructs the group to head "across the bridge to the Inner Circle". The Inner Circle is a round table, lit up like something from a game show, where they will all sit and do the fun stuff like voting and choosing who will be eliminated. Sound familiar?
As everyone sits, a large video screen flickers and all of a sudden some guy who looks eerily like one of my ex-boyfriends shows up on the screen. This, I assume, is our host. But he's not just the host, he's also a producer – it's JD Roth. Since this is FOX and the moniker seems to fit though, we'll call him Big Cheese.
Big Cheese tells everyone that they are all there for one reason – to win $1,500,000. And just to make his point, the numbers appear on a separate screen right above his head. Everyone gasps, and Kelly hollers, "Praise the Lord!" Cut to a confessional where minister Kelly says that money is the root of all evil. Indeed.
Big Cheese goes on to explain that the money will all go to one person, and that they all must decide who that person will be. The decision must be ... dun dun dun ... unanimous. Big Cheese makes it sound easy by telling them that all they have to do is convince eight other people that they deserve the money. Heh – if it were that easy, we'd hardly have a show here now, would we? The Cheese gives everyone one last chance to quit and walk out before the 'game' officially begins. Of course no one does, and the game is on. Now, if anyone quits, the prize money will automatically be cut in half. They are told that the first vote will be coming up soon before Big Cheese disappears.
A few of the guys get quick confessionals that hint at their strategies: Jonathan says that this will be just like BS'ing a girl to get her to go home with him, Jameson is expecting everyone to lie for the money including himself, and Adam says that his entire life is a game so this should fit right in for him.
Jamie isn't so sure that this is something she wants to do. She says that she didn't know what she was getting herself into (duh), and now she doesn't think she wants to go through with it. Jamie, the time to quit was when Big Cheese asked if anyone wanted to exit the premises. Not five minutes later. Eventually she is talked down and convinced to stay.
Left to wander around the house, er, I mean bunker (see, BB is so much easier – they're in a house, and they're houseguests – so simple), people start to complain. Vanessa moans that they're just lab rats, that's all they are. Honey, it's a reality show on FOX – if you don't see Simon Cowell it means you're gonna wind up a lab rat. Apparently Big Cheese has turned up the heat as well – literally. They're feeling hot and bothered, and not in a good way.
Everyone gathers to 'meet' and get to know each other. Kelly is up first, and she says that she runs an "e-business" through which she mentors people, and she's also a minister. This brings on the first of what promises to be many bible rants. She mentions the commandments and says that she believes that every word in the bible is true. Oh boy. Can't wait until the subject of evolution is brought up.
Jameson, who is gay, is a little concerned over the face that he's in the bunker with a minister, because generally they aren't too open-minded about homosexuality. To prove his point, Kelly comes up with the uber-original, "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve". Jameson and Kelly argue a bit. And Kelly says privately that if god wants her to win the game then there's nothing she can do to stop that from happening. Ah yes, the old divine intervention card. I've said it many times before, but it bears repeating: God does not care one way or the other who wins a reality show. He just doesn't. If he doesn't have bigger things to worry about, then we're all doomed anyway.
Fembot announces that it's time for everyone to head for their sleeping quarters and get ready for bed. After some more complaining about sleeping in bunk beds and how everyone is suffocating because they have no fresh air, everyone goes to sleep.
In the morning, everyone is just a little disoriented. They're not sure if it was actually nighttime when they went to bed, and they have no clue what time it is now. That would be an interesting meal dilemma. If you just woke up, logically it would be breakfast time – but what if it's like 3 in the afternoon? Do you eat breakfast, lunch, or a snack before dinner? Or do you just give up and eat whatever you're hungry for at that moment? Moving on ...
At the table, Jonathan says that he's feeling nauseous because of his medication. Of course someone asks what medication that would be, and Jonathan says that he has testicular cancer. He adds that it's 'treatable' though. In his confessional, Jonathan admits that this is all a big lie to get people to feel sorry for him and vote for him to win the money. Kelly's already taken the bait, and admits that if she had to vote right now, she'd vote for Jonathan. Heehee.
Kelly tells Jonathan that he needs to pray for the healing of his testicles (giggle) and leave it in the hands of god. Jameson is stunned at this, and says that Kelly is just going around giving ridiculous advice to people. Incidentally, if you head over to fox.com, you can watch a little video clip of Kelly praying for Jonathan's testicles. Now that's entertainment folks.
Jameson and Kelly go at it again, with Jameson telling Kelly that she'll end up in hell right beside him. He adds that he will never vote for her to win the money, so she might as well leave now. Kelly says that she won't ever vote for him either. Richard, who has told us that his car is ten years old and he really needs the money, doesn't want anyone to leave since that would cut their potential prize pool in half. Steve agrees – he wants the money to ensure the financial future of his family.
It's time now to return to the Inner Circle, where the first vote will be held. The Big Cheese appears on the monitor and tells them that if they can agree on who will get the money right now, then they can all go home. What are the chances of that happening?
The centre of the table rises up from the bowels of the earth, containing nine silver balls. Each ball has the name of a contestant on the bottom of it, and inside are the names of the other contestants. To vote, they simply open the balls and turn a knob to pick the person they want to give the money to. They cannot vote for themselves.
Jonathan decides to vote for Steve, since he thinks no one else will. Richard decides to use the same tactic because he says he wants to keep things going. Richard obviously isn't all that concerned with getting out of there and returning home.
Everyone dials in their vote, closes their ball, and sends the ball down a chute in front of their seat. The balls are sucked through an intricate maze of clear tubing, and arrive like returned bowling balls in front of Big Cheese. Now it's time to read the votes (since "tallying" is obviously copyrighted to Jeff Probst).
Vote numero uno goes to Steve, as do votes two and three. Steve looks almost embarrassed, and Jonathan is beginning to wonder if they all decided to throw away their votes to the same person. The next vote is for Vanessa, but since technically this could be Steve's vote and the rest could go to him, Big Cheese keeps on going. The fifth vote is for Jamie, so the vote is not unanimous. For the record, the rest of the votes went Jonathan, Tarah, Tarah, and Jamie.
Richard says privately that he's not surprised – the two good-looking girls got two votes each. He adds that he means no offense to Vanessa, but she's older and married. And not attractive. Nice.
Big Cheese now says that since they couldn't decide who should get the money, now they will decide who won't. He mentions that everyone has secrets – things that they don't want other people to know about them. (Yup, that's what a secret is all right.) Nine envelopes emerge through the magic of the middle of the table, and each one contains a secret that belongs to one of the contestants. They are to randomly choose three of the envelopes and read the secrets aloud, then decide which secret is the most heinous. The person with the offending secret will then be eliminated from the game. It's worth noting, however, that no one knows which secret goes with which contestant – except for the person whose secret it is, of course. Confused yet?
Kelly and Jonathan are the envelope selectors. The secrets are read out loud: One person filed for bankruptcy, even though they had income and assets worth over $100,000. One person has been detained by authorities on more than one occasion for possessing live ammunition. One person was a patient in a mental ward.
As the camera zooms around the table, each person looks surprised, guilty, or both. Vanessa decides that the person who filed for bankruptcy is the worst, because it's just plain cheating. Cut to confessional, where Kelly admits that this secret is hers. Hmm, where in the bible does it say that it's okay to do that, I wonder? She's trying to figure out how to take the attention away from her secret, and blurts out that she's concerned about the mental patient, since they're all living together.
Richard is the one who has spent time in a mental ward, and he says that they can't base their decision on that since they don't know why or for how long this person was there. That's an excellent point – that and the fact that you can't assume someone is mentally unstable just because they've sought treatment for a mental condition. Steve and Jonathan agree with Richard.
Tarah is the person who has been caught 'on more than one occasion' with live ammo. She's not sure how to defend herself when Adam brings it up, so she points out that this secret gives all the details they need while the other two don't. Um, no – it doesn't say why she felt the need to carry live ammo with her, for instance. Steve is concerned because carrying ammo infers that the person was also carrying a firearm, and that means that they're dangerous.
Someone mentions again that the mental ward secret makes them nervous, and as Richard tries once again to deflect attention away from that one, Big Cheese flickers on the screen and says it's time for them to decide ... but we'll have to wait until next week to find out who is eliminated from winning the money.
Next week, one person is eliminated but not allowed to leave. They will still have to live there and cast votes for who should win the money. Add this to the fact that their money will decrease with every passing second that a decision is not made, and the scene is set for tempers to flare and people to talk about quitting.
Critics hate this show with a passion, and I can see why. It's over the top and tacky, no question about it. But boy, does it ever have the potential to be fun! As long as FOX doesn't decide to mess with the time slot or stretch things out too long, this could really be one that gets people talking.
What did you think? Hit me up with your comments at carrie@realityshack.com.
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