Starting Over 3, 02-22-06 – Victor or Victim?by LauraBelle
Today in Group Rhonda talks to the ladies of Starting Over about "victor." She makes it clean she is not talking about a man named victor, but about becoming a victor in your life. Creating a victory over the past that as made you feel like a victim. Rhonda tells the women about how great it would be to wake up in the morning and just feel like a victor, and know you triumphed over that past that has been haunting you.
Kim knows for herself to feel like the victor, it would mean finally being able to love herself instead of having to depend on others. Similarly, Kelly says for her it would be the ability to love others and not have it make her feel week. Jodi admits this is particular hard for her, as her Dad always shut her down when she would feel emotional, and wouldn't allow her to express her emotions. As Rhonda closes Group, Jodi is still feeling emotional about her childhood, and Rhonda consoles her.
Rhonda wants Kim to see that she projects her thoughts and feelings onto others, forcing them to be at blame for her problems. Rhonda gives her paddles with faces on them of her family and housemates. She is to spend some time with these and write down on each how they trigger her. Can I just interrupt Kim's moment to say Jill looks incredibly hot on her paddle? This looks like it is a publicity shot from her radio days. I couldn't figure out where the difference was in the two different Jills, then it hit me. The face on the paddle is the authentic Jill. In that studio shot she is extremely confident. She's hot and knows it. I wish today's Jill could feel the same way about herself.
Once Kim finishes her paddles, Rhonda puts the paddle with Kim's mom's face in a somewhat life-size cardboard cutout. Kim admits looking at her like this, that she doesn't really know her mom. Rhonda points out that's kind of interesting, being that she leads everyone to believe t hat her mother is the center of her universe. Putting Kim's husband Jeff's picture up in front of her mom, Rhonda shows her that her feelings for everyone else have to filter through her feeling for her mom. It's as it she wants to get the feelings from everyone else that she could never receive from her mother. That's what leaves her feeling the others don't love her enough, as they don't love her the way she wanted to be loved by her mother.
Kelly is brought into a room with Rhonda. On the wall are cartoon "thought ballons." Rhonda asks Kelly to come up with those things she is afraid people are saying about her, and the things it makes her say about herself in return. She feels people think she is a bitch, cold, weak and crazy. She thinks she is weak, toxic, and a joke, being a forty-one year old waitress. Rhonda leaves Kelly to finish these thought balloons on her own.
When Rhonda returns, she places Kelly in a strait jacket to represent how she has been handling herself. Rhonda, of course, leaves her alone in the room, strait jacketed, with her thoughts. But we kind of saw that coming, didn't we? We know Rhonda too well. The strait jacket represents Kelly's fear of becoming institutionalized like her mom.
Rhonda returns again, and informs Kelly she still isn't going to take off the strait jacket, believing those thoughts of hers gives her permission to live her life in an essential strait jacket, preventing her from hurting anyone. Rhonda wants Kelly to learn to be weak, vulnerable, and need people. Kelly says she's scared of asking her housemates, particularly Jodi, for help. She doesn't want Jodi talking behind doors about her.
Kelly returns to the main part of the house, and tells the other women she needs to ask for their help. In a bold, vulnerable move, she admits her fear to Jodi, of being hurt by her. Jodi feeds Kelly and helps her drink, then hugs her. Kelly apologizes for not being able to return the hug, and they both apologize to each other. Jodi says she would never laugh at Kelly about this.
Rhonda returns to the house, and verifies Kelly has been asking for help. Kelly says she felt good having someone do something for her. Rhonda suggests getting help is something we all need. Returning to her thought balloons, Kelly is shocked at those words she was feeling about herself before, and as Rhonda covers up the old words with fresh paper, Kelly, without any prompting, covers up the old words with "I need people. I need support. I need love." She then writes what she needs, and how they others can help her.
Jill gets a call from "George," and is quite perplexed as to who he is. It turns out he will be her blind date for the evening. He sets it up to meet at a restaurant called, "Toast," as Jill says, "Like the bread?" Getting off the hone with him, she has a look on her face like, "Eeesh."
Meeting with Iyanla, Jill discusses her fears about dating again. It has been at least five years she figures. The last time, her date told her, "I didn't realize you were that fat." Those words have stuck with Jill all these years, and guide her fears about dating. Iyanla asks what George looks like and how Jill can contact him if something comes up. She is utterly shocked that in all this time Jill seems to have forgotten her dating etiquette. She suggests Jill go brush up on some of these rules.
Upon Iyanla's suggestion, Jill gets a pedicure/manicure, just to get herself all ready. She also researches the restaurant online trying to find out what she should wear, dressy or comfortable, heels or not heels, etc. She is beginning to completely freak, and says she would most prefer a visit to the dentist's chair. It's kind of funny, because when I sit in the dentist's chair, I wonder if I would rather be doing that or giving birth.
Jodi drives Jill to "Toast," and drops her off. Jill finds George and sits with him at a table. She looks a little stiff and freaked. George talks low, so it's hard to understand exactly what he's saying, but he says something about if Jill is open to alcohol. She laughs it off. When George mentions his thirty-year-old son, Jill asks how old George is, and all I can make out is "8." Forty-eight? Fifty-eight? At the end of the date, she admits he set the bar a little higher for her prospective dates. As he walks her to the car where Jodi is waiting, he tells Jill he is holding her hand. She says she noticed that.
In the car with Jodi, Jill rates the date an 8 out of 10. Asked what would have made it a 10, she sys, "Wild sex afterwards." The two return home, and Jill tells her housemates all about her date. Jodi tells the other girls George was a hottie. Jill admits he expressed interest in seeing her again.
Jill was most definitely a victor today. No question. Kim and Kelly seem to be working hard at doing the same.
You can email me at LauraBelle@realityshack.com
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